#SICK sick. every day that doesn't end with me in the ER is a major win sick

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

If I had to rewrite Changing Skies:

Tawnypelt

The Clans are going to fight the humans.

Tigerstar is too busy leading and keeping everyone calm, so he sends Tawnypelt and whatever friends she wants to go on a mission to find out how they can stop the Twolegs.

Tawnypelt doesn't really WANT to, but does it because she wants her son to know she trusts his judgment.

She brings along Crowfeather (let me cook) and Brambleclaw. (LET ME COOK)

First major event is Crowfeather dying. He gets a terrible wound on his back leg from doing something Tawnypelt TOLD HIM NOT TO, and the infection kills him.

Tawny and Bramble are on their own now, and tensions are high. Not only that, but they have NO CLUE what to do, and the Twolegs are getting closer every day...

The only clue they have is with a strange kittypet named Rufus, wearing a strange bulky collar.

Tawnypelt is getting angry, and tired with Brambleclaw. He isn't the brother she thought he was, and their relationship has been fractured since the reveal that he trained in The Dark Forest. Sure, she supported him during TBC, but that ended up not being HIM and it was a terrible mistake to make...

It's his insistence that she listen to him, that he "prove himself", that he is the choice-maker and... Tawny's had enough.

"Brambleclaw, you're older than most cats around the lake, for Starclan's sake, GROW UP ALREADY!"

He leaves, insisting that he knows what is best, and she'll feel so sorry once he's right! No one ever believes in him, just because of his father!

She finds his body the next day. Rufus helps her bury him, but there isn't time to dwell, she needs to keep going. Rufus keeps walking up to humans wearing sleek white pelts that hild little flashing boxes up to Tawnypelt, he keeps saying it's fine but the way he lets them PICK him UP is going to give her a heart attack!

Kids these days. (Affectionate. Bewildered. 3 seconds from signing adoption papers.)

Leafstar

Leafstar is suffering from depression, and notices that her sight is starting to dim.

Fidgetflake tells her that she is developing cataracts, and Leafstar just takes it as "one more thing to happen to me". Her mate has died, her daughter Stormheart was killed in the horrific war against Splashstar and Berrystar that she herself barely made it out of with her last life... Her children have grown and have kits of their own, they don't need her anymore, cats don't want to talk with her...

She's completely lost her spark, and finds no joy in anything. She's not only losing her vision in a physical sense, but she's lost her 'vision' for Skyclan.

She also needs to hold the election for a new deputy, as Skyclan does things differently, and Hawkwing has been killed by a polluted stream.

The candidates are: Violetshine (who now has trained Beetlepaw instead of Reedclaw), Macgyver, and Rileypool (death swapped with Sagenose and mentored Kitescratch).

Violetshine is selected, and immediately some cats are calling for her to be made leader instead. A vote goes through, but not enough cats vote in the theoretical Violetstar's favour. (She doesn't mind!)

Leafstar is distraught when the construction comes Skyclan's way, poisoning their main stream and leading MANY cats to sickness, including her sweet granddaughter Wrenflight, born of Harrybrook and Bellaleaf.

The others Clans have less sympathy. Skyclan is using kittyp-er Daylight Warriors, they'll be fine if they just go back inside their homes. Maybe Starclan's angry that they're taking resources.

She slams her paw down onto the Moonpool's thin frozen surface, it cracks beneath her paw, the cold water spreading its horrible chill, ignored as Leafstar snarls at Starclan.

"Answer my pleas, stop punishing me, or my Clan, or I am taking us back to The Gorge, Other Clans be damned. Help us, or you will prove to me that you truly are a bunch of useless dead cats parading around with sparkling fur and empty promises!"

A ghostly figure appears, just for a moment, whispering to her.

"You may not have sight any longer, and I know all hope seems lost, Leafstar, but brighter times are coming. Do Not Let The Moon Fall."

Moonpaw

Since the writers wanna be awful about Sunbeam, I'm going to one-up them and do this pre-emptively.

Nightheart brought Sunbeam to Riverclan. He wasn't made Leader or Deputy, no, that was given to Icewing and Minnowtail.

Sunbeam, tragically, passed in childbirth soon after she got pregnant by accident... She left Nightheart with a single kitten, a tiny tortoiseshell tabby molly with a white chest, and wide blue and yellow eyes.

Nightheart, still stubborn about names and meaning and holding a grudge against his mother for not providing him with the Orange Gene, names his daughter Moonkit, determined to constantly remind her how she Doesn't Have To Be Like Sunbeam. She has quite a few friends, some in different Clans!

Moonpaw is apprenticed to Flame. An ex-Kin member that joined Riverclan during WCR!AVOS who Nightheart hates with a passion. Guess why.

Moonpaw is a good kid, but her relationship with her father is strained beyond belief. She wishes he would stop... Acting like this. Like he's the only cat to have ever suffered, stop arguing with her sweet mentor over the pettiest thing, stop comparing her to her mother in the most backwards way he can by trying to push her to somehow be the opposite of a cat she's never met...

She is good friends with Frostfeather and Whistlemoon, especially Whistlemoon, for obvious reasons. Moon buddies!

Moonpaw is dared by an older apprentice, Rapidpaw, to "go spend a night at the Moonpool when it's a new moon with all the ghosts!"

She's scared, not of the dark but if her dad finds out. "Sunbeam LOVED breaking rules!" He would always say, "But you can be good and do what YOU want. Just because your mother liked to stand out, doesn't mean you always have to! You can be special in your way!" She always saw Frostfeather glaring when he said that...

"Rule breaker." Frostfeather would scoff. "Didn't know her at all..."

Anyways, aside from a fright from a possum, she makes her way to the Moonpool with ease.

Too much ease.

She walks around, stepping into the pawprints on the ground, and batting a little plant that's growing at the entrance.

Not scary!

She walks into the main chamber, eyes sparkling and growing bigger as she lays eyes on the Moonpool for the first time.

It's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

In awe, Moonpaw slowly steps up to it, looking at her own reflection in the sparkling, crystal water, she pokes a paw in.

The gentle ripples lap at the edges, and Moonpaw swears she can hear a soft whispering.

Immediately though, she is bombarded with noise, giggling kittens, cats chatting with one another, and a soft warning.

"Careful, don't fall in!"

Moonpaw looks around for that voice, softer than any others, yet more clear. She stares into the crystal clear, sparkling water of the Moonpool, deeper, deeper, and deeper, drawing her in and making her more calm than she's ever felt...

She falls into the Moonpool.

#warrior cats #warriors #warrior cats rewrite #wcr #leafstar #leafdapple #tawnypelt #crowfeather #brambleclaw #moonpaw #nightheart #sunbeam #frostpaw #whistlepaw #changing skies #moonpool

[tsukidrama]

Yay, more Connie and Jean! I’m happy you’re going to include them in more chapters, I really did like reading the bits with them in it. I don’t even think Annie has left yet, but I’m still very excited to read when she comes home. I’m trying to think of how they’ll both react, what they’ll say, if it’ll be a long hug or a passionate kiss or both. Hard to tell, but I’m very very excited.

I can imagine the reader waking up wrapped in blankets on the couch, because Annie decided to do some early morning engraving on the bed frame. It just couldn’t wait another hour, the idea was still fresh in her mind. Annie would make it up to her with tea or cuddles later, though.

they'll be back! they'll probably make a brief appearance next chapter along with everyone else. chapter 7 is the only chapter that she'll be gone for so it won't be too long, it's just still gonna hurt the whole time. they send each other letters? better than nothing

lmaoooo imagine getting kicked out of your bed so she could carve on it? i'd be so annoyed, but it's better than waking up to the sounds of banging and a face full of sawdust! i couldn't be mad at her either way, it's too intrinsic for her to go too hard or too far without realizing (or caring, tbh).

> Gah— I don’t know when the smut will happen but it hasn’t left my mind! Just the thought of Annie lifting something heavy and wondering why the reader is staring at her, only to ask and have the reader respond with, “Oh, nothing.” Unconvinced, Annie inspects her shirt and accidentally flashes some abs, causing the reader to lay her head onto the table from how flustered she is. Look what this idea has done to me, Tsuki! (Any preferred name? Can I call you Tsuki?) <

yep yep it goes down pretty much exactly like that. "hey Annie could you help me carry this basket of laundry upstairs?" and when she hoists the basket up on her shoulder like it weighs nothing.... ma'am could you please do that to me next? toss me around like i am. a sack of potatoes. ... .

its okay! you can call me tsuki! it's def not my real name but i do prefer to go by a pseud while talking about my writing and smut in particular hah. i don't go out of my way to hide it but these days i only really give it out to people who have unlocked my tragic backstory ?

> I do understand unintentional angst bit in the story! I feel like having a rocky road to happiness is very in character for Annie, but I know in the end she’ll get what she wants and needs. I’m happy we got some fluff in this chapter, and I am looking forward to seeing more fluff (and angst!) in future chapters. <

that's very true -- Annie is the biggest obstacle to her own happiness and especially now that it's the only obstacle she has to deal with. she could and has massacred armies singlehandedly but bitch has no ability to ask for help when she's overwhelmed

> Also, I can’t believe you already had that song! I heard it a week or so ago and immediately thought of Annie! I can just imagine the chapter it goes for is going to be devastating. However, whenever I listen to it I can imagine the reader and Annie slow dancing in a comforting manner and all that cheesy stuff. Holding her close to your chest, having the lyrics, “All I want in life's a little bit of love to take the pain away,” mean so much to Annie. Just— it absolutely fits the story. <

it plays all the time on the pandora station that my job uses, most of the time its the same 10 songs but every so often something genuinely good will cycle into the algorithm.

the lyrics fuck me up when you sit down and look at them (you could go line by line and it all fits). but even just the mumbly dreamy vibe almost nostalgic vibe of the song is really nice and fits the peaceful setting of the cottage.

> I hope you’re feeling well, <

> Pink Anon <

thank you babes you too! have a good week

#pink anon #tsuki answers #also i don't think i may have been entirely forthcoming about this but like. i am extremely sickly all the time #your well wishes are very much appreciated but unfortunately i dont think i will ever reach a threshold of 'good' beyond being out of pain #i've always been a little fragile but then i developed a chronic illness in my late teens #and please dont apologize or feel bad for me im genuinely fine i live w this every single day and i dont like being pitied #but recently i've been sick like #SICK sick. every day that doesn't end with me in the ER is a major win sick

[aster-survives]

please help me avoid having to move in with my abuser come march.

p4ypal (@/asteronauts) | vnmo: /asteronauts | csh 4pp: $asteronauts

goal: $900

[image description: a transparent image of moomintroll. he is putting his fingers together in a pleading gesture. he is a white creature outlined in black and has blue eyes. end image description.]

more details under the cut 💜 [purple heart] content warning for mentions of suicidal ideation and abuse!

four hours of work a day three days a week was leaving me practically bedbound. a week after quitting, i ended up having to go to the er to get iv fluids because of my psych meds interacting with my pots and causing it to flare up.

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my name is aster. i am a 25 year old black and trans disabled abuse survivor. i had to quit working as a gymnastics coach in december because my chronic illness was getting too bad for me to take care of myself and work at the same time.

i have been slowly getting my meds adjusted the last few months. im on a new antidepressant (the one that caused the flare, but ive stabilized now 💜), a new mood stabilizer for my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder and cptsd related mood swings, and a new beta blocker for my pots.

this has made life liveable again! for a long time, i felt so sick that living didn't seem to be worth the pain. but i feel hope right now for the first time in over a year. i want to live and be happy. im finally able to take steps to make my life better!

but i still can't work. my chronic pain is so bad that even sitting up for an hour causes immense pain, and though my fatigue is much better it is definitely still an issue so i need lots of time to rest.

im doing a lot better than before, and i want things to stay that way. but i have no way of paying march rent and february utilities. and if i dont pay them on time, i will have to move back in with my abuser. this would be a major setback for me and very likely cause me to fall victim to severe depression once more. there is no space for me in my abuser's house. last time i stayed with her long term i was living in a tent in her backyard and still was asked to pay rent. it is an extremely toxic environment for me, and while i can handle it in small doses, there's no way i can survive living with her.

i am just now starting to feel like a person again. the idea of losing this small amount of happiness terrifies me. i want to live, truly, for the first time in i dont even know how long. maybe next month ill even be able to find an accessible job, or something that doesn't require as much standing. i am still searching every day.

please help me. the future is so scary, and i don't know what it holds, but i want to be in it truly for the first time in so long. and i dont want to lose that.

p4ypal (@/asteronauts) | vnmo: /asteronauts | csh 4pp: $asteronauts

[theangrypokemaniac]

Since no one cares about Alola I can therefore say what I want.

Team Rocket's Pokémon are all worthless toss. That's such a surprise from this oafish writing team.

Remember when Jessie and James had two each, to offer variety? Permitting them even that is too much focus nowadays.

We don't what anything interesting going on, thank you. Repetition is what we and they deserve.

Arbok, Weezing, Lickitung and Victreebel are spinning in their graves.

Stufful was missing for three years and she displayed not the slightest pang of concern until its belated invention. Given her temper she ought to have torn the island apart searching for her baby, but no.

Not bothered about Bewear. It shouldn't really be in this list as it didn't belong to them, although catching has no value anymore.

A bit thick are we? Or conforming to the usual parental standards?

Well, she's sufficiently neglectful that she let it out of her sight long enough for it to be crushed under a tree, then was too idle to come to the rescue. In consequence he was obliged to wait days until one of Lusamine's lackeys arrived.

She's 'Mama Bear' though, isn't she?

It's based on a red panda, is partly the colour of a black bear and as strong as a grizzly, but all that is a mere cover for its true nature as a Bear-Face Ham.

The modern pretence is that everyone's a vegetarian (are they balls), and Ursa Major lives on fruit, not, you know, flesh.

Just because it there's no hibernating in the tropics doesn't mean it can get by without a salmon now and again.

The name is stupid, since a red panda is not a bear. A play on words isn't clever if based on what it isn't.

They should've called her 'Pandamonia', or 'Pandour', which is a brutal soldier.

It is at least redeemed by battering the klepto cockroach into the next dimension. Good on 'er.

Mind you, this is Alola, a cesspit of incest, so it's probably some sick arrangement, like Bewear being slipped the length by that previously unmentioned Oakie-Dokie clone.

He's the spit of Jimmy Savile, thus every depravity is on the table.

Where's Stufful's dad? He buggered off too?

What kind of name is 'Stufful'? What's it made from, 'stifle' and 'suffocation'? 'Stuffed'?

Thanks for that. Whenever I see its ovine face I'm reminded of taxidermy.

Were Ursa Minor and Bewear described as mother and son, or were they 'friends'?

A series of games involving breeding and the 'anime' is too squeamish to even imply animals live in families.

I don't care either way for Stufful, but I'd like it better if its mouth wasn't a camel toe.

I understand it's a sea creature, and the contents of the oceans are their own brand of peculiarity, but looks like a limbless, undead spaniel plagued with extra teats. Its 'ears' resemble distended mammeries.

Hey, remember that interesting, original Pokémon James had called Victreebel? Let's do it again! And again! AND AGAIN!

Victreebel is a venus fly trap: an anomaly in nature as a carnivorous plant. It makes sense that the Pokémon version would be a bit more full-on in catching a meal.

New law: Team Rocket are required to collect monsters as ugly as themselves.

Hurting James was its personality quirk, particularly to it, fitting its nature, its 'thing'. It was never meant as a template for most of what he caught in the future.

Something is funny if it happens once, and can be now and again if done with a least a little flair.

Nothing repeated as a constant leaden thud is remotely amusing, but this is an unknown fact to Nintendo bone heads. They think certain events are utterly hilarious in themselves and require no finesse in application.

They have a checklist of moments obligatory to each episode, which explains the plodding lifelessness. Tick 'em off to keep the fans from being ticked off. All we supposedly care about is each gong struck, not how we got there.

At least Victreebel used to vary its behaviour:

Occasionally it even did as told without any chomping preamble.

It didn't do the exact same action every single time it was involved!

Mostly it swallowed James.

How long was it once Victreebel was chucked out on its leafy arse before Cacnea arrived?

Oh look, it's a Grass Pokémon and attacks James!

Sometimes it ate Jessie.

Carnivine got in on the action before Cacnea's run was even up: kick 'em when they're down why don't yer?

Oh look, it's a Grass Pokémon and attacks James!

Now we have Mareanie. Wasn't there a few in between? No, shush, they don't exist anymore.

Every bloody time it came out, it turned round and punctured him.

Every bloody time.

Ah, it's not a Grass Pokémon. That makes it totally new!

Oh yes, it's the complete opposite of Victreebel. It's Poison instead. Not like it at all.

Every bloody time it came out, it'd gnaw his head off.

Every bloody time.

That's endearing.

Oh but it is! It's just showing him love!

As that makes it alright!

If a muscular man squeezed his girlfriend so tightly he cracked her ribs, is that 'sweet' because he 'meant well' but his feelings overwhelmed him? Or is it A.B.H.?

Every bloody time it comes out, it injects James's head with toxin until it swells up into purple pustule of disease.

Every bloody time.

I never took Victreebel's assault as affection. To me they were real attempts to devour James, especially with the accompanying frenzied screech. Interpreting that as a positive emotion is bizarre to me.

At soon as James found it wedged in a Breeding Centre cage and opened the door it grabbed him, which appeared to be Victreebel lashing out in anger for what'd happened in the intervening period.

What Mareanie does is worse than the other three put together. At least they delivered mere bite marks or pinpricks, but it infects James!

Whole episodes of this programme have involved a Pokémon falling foul of Poison Powder and being on the verge of death, with all done to preserve it until Ash hunted down the cure, but now it's a big laugh, apparently.

Not one character ever has the wits about them to carry an Antidote, otherwise the writers wouldn't be able to fall back on the tired old race-against-time scenario, which is no such thing as we know they won't die.

Is it likely that James is always going to end up picking a violent Pokémon, of all the individuals of a race, of all the lifeforms in the universe?

Aren't his allowed to come with their own personality, or is there a set pattern they must follow, and when caught they absorb it, for fear they might be memorable?

Mind you, it's interesting the reactions these abuses provoke:

Victreebel eats James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Cacnea impales James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Carnivine chews James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Mareanie poisons James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Meowth claws James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Jessie beats James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Jessibelle whips James: EEVUL BITCH!!!

Mimikyu should be opposed for breaking it's own world.

To us, Pikachu is the most famous Pokémon, belonging to Ash, the protagonist, and the franchise's mascot.

To them, Pikachu is just another middling Pokémon hundreds of young Trainers catch, and holds no greater value.

It's blatantly a reference to Pikachu's real-life status, acknowledging itself as fiction. No Pokémon would hold the same significance for this design to work but him.

Otherwise why would Mimikyu, when it has the choice of every Pokémon that exists, and, if meant to be a believable world, every Pokémon we don't know exists, choose Pikachu to ape? Why wouldn't it pick a Legendary?

Alola Pikachu is looking off colour.

It's not even this specific Mimikyu, it's the entire species!

What, they work to a hive mind, incapable of individual tastes and opinions?

Do they all hate Pikachu too, even though the entire mouse population of Alola has been rounded up by that loon and trapped in a valley, or were we lumbered with the lone demented obsessive with a severe complex?

Is it well jel that Pikachu's a real one, whereas it can only manage to knock up a bog-standard costume with a face daubed by a chimp paralytic from scrumpy?

Well stop imitating it then! Invent your own design!

Oh come on. The animators can't even do that, hence its creation. You can hardly expect it to display inspiration if born from its absence.

I wonder if it hates Raichu. And Pichu. And Plusle and Minun. And the rest of the Pikachu derivatives, although it is one.

(As an aside, I don't know why Raichu, Marowak and Exeggutor were redrawn for this era, but not Pikachu, Cubone and Exeggcute. Why does the sweaty climate affect only evolutions?) 

Here's an idea: make Shiny Mimikyu have a different get up, not colour.

You can have that free, Game Freak. I'm too lenient with yer.

Presumably, Mimikyu hatches (already dead?) in all its eye-bleeding nastiness, and instinctively reaches for the discarded yellow bedsheet and pack of crayons that just so happens to be nearby, and the scissors to make the peep holes.

Them inbreds know how to litter.

Flippers?

Nah, it's probably hooks.

How is it born aware of a Pikachu's face, and why is it compelled to copy them?

Knowledge of his own ugliness is innate, thus he must cover his nakedness before it lays waste to the forest inhabitants.

Yet if you breed 'em, it emerges wearing it, like the cloth formed from left-over albumen and stained with yolk!

What's it reaching with? Paws?

Mittens?

Oh, and there was a deceased specimen in the series, so it's either a ghost, and nothing but bedsheet, or a zombie, and it's repulsive carcass has upped the ante by putrifying.

Even its name doesn't fit. Apart from the unsightly spelling, what's 'Mimikyu' about? It's not mimicking me.

Mimikyu? It should be Mimikchu!

And you know what? Even Nintendo agree their own inventions aren't good enough, because they made return almost impossible.

They hate these more than they do even the pre-Unova Pokémon, most of whom were condemned to a dark existence within the iron corridors of H.Q. and haven't been seen since.

• Growlie is such a beloved figure in James's life he's been involved all of twice.

• Dustox got pensioned off.

• James was practically bullied into gifting Cacnea to that cloying bitch Gardenia.

• Whilst he still tecnically owns Chimecho, it's as lost to him as any of them.

Remember Seviper, Yanmega, Carnivine and Mime Junior?

Hell, remember Woobat, Yamask, Frillish and Amoonguss?

Or Gourgeist and Inkay?

Of course, since the makers appear to have the Reverse-Midas Touch, Team Rocket still took that useless, wincing lump Wobbuffet to Galar instead of dumping it over the sea. Apparently we're stuck with it forever.

Arbok, Lickitung, Weezing and Victreebel got shafted, but THAT survives?

Yes? That's more the writers do. In current canon these Pokémon never lived at all. Dead memories in the haze.

#Team Rocket #Bewear #Stufful #Mareanie #Mimikyu #Wobbuffet #Alola

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

d+1 national board exam day review

hello everyone, hope everyone's feeling fine today!

it's been a month since my last post and i would like to report that i'm done with the national board exam(s)! announcement day is on December 16th, hurrah!

i can't believe i actually did it??? despite the obstacles and dramas i have to go through, i survived??? now that i have nothing to do, to kill time i'm here to tell the tale!

so, will you guys believe me that i fell sick right after i published my last post? like, literally in the morning after, my body temperature spiked up. at first i thought it's just a light fever that will end in two or three days, so i took some paracetamol tablets and didn't pay much attention to the symptoms.

the fever did go down in a day, but guess what? the fever came back. this time, even higher followed with nausea, head pain, loss of appetite, and almost debilitating fatigue. i couldn't focus on anything, i couldn't even move or walk without having the sensation of someone drilling right through my skull!

what's even worse is that, that very same day i have to start the first class for the national board exam tutoring that will go on every day for a month. add all those symptoms plus exam related stress and anxiety... i was a full blown mess. i was supposed to move to my study group's apartment on early November, but my seemingly simple fever kept on plaguing me. on day 7 of this very confusing fever episode, red spots started to appear on my extremities. alarmed, i asked my dad to get me to the doctor as soon as possible, since it was starting to look like i caught dengue hemorrhagic fever.

one doctor trip and blood sample testing later, i got confirmed that my thrombocytes level was super low, only 70,000 (normal is 150,000-450,000). what made me panic even more was that the doctor said i have to go to the ER right at that moment to receive intravenous infusion right away, since there's really no medication you can administer to elevate Tb level except hydration.

so i went to the ER:

(in this photo you can actually see some of the red spots that appeared on my wrist)

i was hospitalized only for 2 days 2 nights, luckily. the professor in charge of me is a believer that if my Tb level keep increasing twice in a row, it's safe for me to go home. my study group sent me this herbal Chinese concoction that helped my Tb level to increase rapidly in a few days too :,)

throughout the entire time at the hospital, i was super stressed. imagine, you're only less than 30 days away from a major exam that is well known to be very hard but there you are, weak and lying on a hospital bed!? i cried almost every day because i felt very left out, everyone was being super ambitious while all i did during 11 of my sick days was sleep? i even considered opting out of the exam, because i thought there was no way i would still have enough time to study and catch up.

but my mum and dad, God bless my parents, persevered. my mum said something that left a special imprint in my mind: any time left before it finally happens is always time enough to do something about it.

it truly doesn't matter, how much everyone's clocking more studying hours than i do. by God's will, somehow 2 months before the exam i already started revising and joining classes, they were just light reads and i happened to be able to memorize things quickly, and my tryout results had been stable in passing scores, all before i got sick. it was as if the timing was right and knew i was gonna be sick 1 month before the exam. i didn't even try to be ambition driven, i was just 'jokingly' revised, since i was already done with my MiniCEx exams quicker than some of the others. so yup, i still have time to extort all my efforts to finish the 'challenge' ahead.

with that being said, i'll put credit where it's due. i have a study group called Weekend Ceria, and it consists of 2 boys and 8 girls. at first we didn't really know each other much, but after one month through ups and downs shared together... we're besties! it was a wonderful time spent living together in the apartment with them, i laughed a lot. i feel so happy in every moment we have. they're seriously one of the best support systems/backing bones during the hard times. i don't think i can write down my favorite memories i have with them, since it'll be a super long post. i hope we'll graduate and do the Hippocratic oath as dentists together on February 2022!

also!!! i had my 24th birthday on the day before the big exam day... :~) Weekend Ceria surprised me right 00.00 on the clock with a strawberry cheesecake and loads of Elmo related stuffs! they got me Elmo eye blinds, wallet, keyring, and neck plushie :D we had birthday lunch at Seirock-ya Ramen later on the day. i felt genuinely super happy, grateful, and most importantly: loved.

on the days of the big exam, it was thrilling in a way i was so nervous yet i know that this would be the beginning of the end, the end of 6.5 years study on being a dentist. so i was also excited :D on the night of the last day of the exam, Weekend Ceria had a BBQ party and we had so much fun with all the exam tension evaporated along with the smokes of our beef slices hahaha

we all went home and finally checked out from our shared apartment on the next morning. i couldn't help but feel emotional, these 10 soon-to-be dentists had been with me for the last 1 month, and i'm not really that good at dealing with goodbyes, though technically we'll meet again lol but we got teary eyed when we took our last group photo at the apartment.

end note, all of us did our best during the CBT and OSCE exams, and i sincerely wish all of us too will receive the same good news 17 days from now.

i'll see you soon on the next post with that very good news! ;-)

#the beginning of the end #bismillahirrahmanirrahim #a day in my life

[chemical-cat]

Just an update on me as a person...

So over the last few days I've been very quiet not only here, but on other platforms as well, especially on my tiktok.

Overall, I've just been trying to work on myself as a person. In the last 3-4 years, I've slipped into a rut, in which some of the behaviors I personally do are not healthy not only to myself but to my partner as well. Now they aren't anything abusive or anything like that, but to me personally they just aren't healthy and I wanted to work on myself.

Over the last year, I've been out of work mainly because I've been having significant health issues which have ultimately impacted my life to the point where I can't work a regular job because within the first 90 days, I'm running the risk of being fired because I'm having to either call in because I'm sick or if I try and push through, my previous jobs would send me home but still tie on a "strike" because I was a liability. (Even in some of these jobs where I worked a year or more, I would be on management's shitlist because of that despite me trying to push through as much as possible.) I've been dealing with these particular health issues for almost 5-6 years now, and while I have been actively seeking medical care for it, I've become so exhausted and tired. I'm tired of the countless tests, the pokes and prads, that result in absolutely no answers and sky high medical bills. I'm tired of countlessly being brushed off as a hypochondriac when I have people in my life, friends/family/partners there with me looking my doctors in the face and telling them they witnessed what I'm saying and that it's true.

I've had so many doctors look at me and tell me so many things that have broken me over the years, I've always been a very petite individual to the point I was labeled as a failure to thrive when I was 9 because I was failing to put on weight the way I should and to grow, I had stalled overall from growing. I have never had an eating disorder, and I will openly state that, if I did I would be honest about it because I fully understand that if I did I could get help and honestly if I did, then I would finally have an answer to my health problems. But I don't, I have always been able to out eat my younger brothers and family. However despite this, despite being with a family practioner who has watched my weight bounce around like a yo yo, and who knows I personally follow their advice for my diet and have tried multiple different changes to my diet just to try and maintain a solid weight, I have experienced my whole life being brushed off because of my size and that I must simply have an eating disorder that I'm to ashamed to admit. However, as I've pointed out several times to various doctors these crucial points if I did:

If I was anorexic, then not only after 5 years would it show but there would be other significant issues (not to mention I'm only putting this is into the 5 years where I have been experiencing health issues not the whole timeline of my life)

If I was bulimic, then I would be having issues with my throat being burned from throwing up constantly, as well as there would potentially be damage to the flap that covers your lungs from food/your stomach from getting air in it and it wouldn't work properly. Not to mention that throwing up has ALWAYS given me panic attacks and anxiety ever since I was a child, now as an adult who has ptsd for me personally, when I throw up I go into a panic attack, which more often then not during the panic attack ends up triggering my ptsd and I end up having flashbacks despite throwing up and the ptsd being unrelated. So personally I don't like throwing up, and I try my hardest not to.

Despite this, over the last year I've had so many negative experiences that it is beyond frustrating. Perfect example being that I went into the ER one night because I was throwing up so badly that I couldn't even hold water down, I was terrified. I couldn't even drive myself, I had to have my mother drive me to the ER at 3-4 am. When we got there, the doctor was completely dismissive and rude from the beginning, insisting that I was pregnant (just from looking at me when he entered the room), when I said there was no way I was pregnant, he got irritated and asked how I would possibly know if I wasn't pregnant (not like it's my own body, god forbid if I know whether or not there was a chance I was pregnant that I would or wouldn't know), when I replied that not only had I had my period every month like clockwork (and that alone isn't usual for me as I have pcos), but that I was currently on my period, as well as the biggest factor being that the last time I had sex was over 7 months ago so I think I'd know if I was 7 months pregnant, he dismissed me and insisted on doing a pregnancy test because he was sure I was pregnant. Which I did with no complaints just to show him that I knew what I was talking about, when the test came back negative, he entered the room and then insisted I had an eating disorder simply based off the fact that I was petite, and when I got reasonably upset at this and told him he was wrong, he once again said how would I possibly know. By this point my mom piped up, and defended me insisting I don't have an eating disorder, and that I out eat my younger brothers (one who is an adult and the other two who are teens), to which he replied with "in all due respect ma'am, how do you know she's not throwing it up later? You may see her eat in front of you, and then she goes and throws it up later, and she's just doing this for attention?" (Yes. He openly stated that I was in the ER at 4 in the morning, when I had to work that morning because I was 'doing it for attention') by this point I was irritated, stressed (because among a string of irrational phobias, I've always had a phobia since I was a child of doctors of any kind and hospitals, so being in a hospital is extremely stressful and scary to me.) I snapped, I was just so done with him as a doctor and wanted to go home, and I told him "because we live in a 115 year old house, and I can hear my parents fucking from one end of the house all the way on the other, so I'm pretty sure they would know if I was throwing up. Now are you actually going to help or can I just fucking go home?" To which he got huffy, and stated I had a stomach bug and released me. In the last 5 years, I've experienced many doctors like this and it is so beyond exhausting. I wish I was making up my symptoms, I wish I was being a hypochondriac because then I would have an answer, and I would honestly know it's all in my head.

Over the 3 years, I've experienced so much depression over this that I've lost a lot of joy in the things I once loved. Simply because as much as I wish it was in my head, I know it's not and the others around me have insisted that it's not either. Yet despite countless tests, there's still no answers, I'm left scared, anxious, and with no answers. At this point I don't even want a solution, I don't care about a way to fix whatever is wrong, I just want to know what's wrong.

My memory has faded to the point where I'm lucky if I can remember a conversation I had with someone 5 minutes ago. I have pass out spells where I'll faint randomly, sometimes I'm lucky and I'll get what I call 'warnings' where I'll get tunnel vision and I know I have less then 10 seconds to get down to the ground to limit possible injury to myself because either way I'm going down. The pass out spells happen whether I'm standing, walking, sitting, laying down, it doesn't matter. I get migraines so badly that it feels like someone is taking a spoon and trying to carve out the cavity where my eyeball as well as I get this hollow type sensation in my head as well. I have what I call 'eye twitches', where my pupils vibrate so fast I can't see for a minute or two, it comes on fast with no seeming cause as to why and it fades as fast as it comes on. (I have been checked multiple times by the eye doctor and it's been determined that there is no cause for this from the eye itself, and that nothing in the eye could be causing it, that other than an astigmatism my eyes are both healthy, I have been working with a neurologist and a cardiologist to get to the bottom of this). Off the top of my head, that's the major ones I can think of, I've been checked for low blood sugar, I've been checked for heart issues, I've done so many tests that I'm exhausted. This isn't a way to live, but yet I have to live in this body, in pain and scared and there are no answers.

As of now, I'm waiting on another test while fighting to get my insurance to actually pay for my medical bills (so far they're refusing and I have almost 10 grand in medical bills, for some of these tests it was verified with insurance before admistering them that they would be covered by insurance because they're expensive tests, insurance agreed it was covered and now refuses to cover anything). It's frustrating, and beyond stressful because it seems like I'm just watching the number climb, because of this I have been unable to get in for the next test I need. While I have been waiting, I've been trying to just make it day by day, I've been trying to be happy.

Because I'm tired of doctors looking at me and dismissing me based off the way my body looks, I've been desperately trying to put on more weight. Which I'm honestly happy about putting on weight because, I do have body dysmorphia and I can't stand the way I look I feel like I'm a walking skeletor, even though my friends/family/and my partner all insist I don't look like a skeletor but that I just look petite, I know it's just my own inability to see my body the way it is. So I've worked on not spending as much time in the mirror, when I do to check how an outfit looks or brush my hair that if I start saying negative things I start pointing out positive things instead, like:

A few days ago I wore a top, with a smokey type print, because this top had more print on one side over the other my first thought was how it looked like I had one boob massively bigger than the other (despite wearing a sports bra where even if that was the case it wouldn't even be that obvious, and it's natural to have one breast bigger than the other), and I pushed that thought to the side pointing out to myself that it was the way the print looked and that even if I did so what? It's natural and no one would really notice that.

I noticed I was starting to put on more weight, and started to get a little more of a tummy while wearing my favorite pair of sweatpants, initially thinking that I'd be unattractive with a 'muffin top', however I pointed out that it's ok to have a tummy, that it's natural and that having even a little bit of a muffin top is ok because I look healthier.

I've been desperately trying to work on the way my body dysmorphia shapes my reality, I know I will never get rid of it and that's ok, but I want to let myself even just some of the time find positive things about myself. During all of this, I've been tracking my diet, in doing so I have implemented a possible weird solution but it's working and that's what matters, I noticed when people diet they try to keep track of calories, and it can help them lose weight. On my phone, it has a health section, and based off my height and weight it has a section where you can monitor your diet (making sure you taking in enough protein, vitamins, veggies, if your taking in to much sodium/sugar, etc. As well as calories), based off my height and current weight, it automatically calculated a daily calorie intake to help me maintain that weight, I figured if I upped it and tried to hit at minimum that calorie intake then I may be able to gain some extra weight. (It was automatically calculated to have a daily calorie intake of 1,300 calories, so I upped it to 2,000 although if I go above that I'm not upset with myself I'm more proud than anything), as well as I'm working on taking in more protein, dairy, carbs (all three were recommended to me by my doctor to have more of these to try to maintain weight and possibly even gain weight), I've tried to scale down on how much caffeine and sugar I'm taking in as well, because I've noticed I have a fairly large sodium diet and I don't want to become dehydrated (because I also don't want dehydration headaches), so I've been trying to upscale in my water intake as well and trying to force myself to drink water versus more caffeine or soda/pop/sugary drinks. (Although, the sugar cravings definitely suck).

I've gotten a agenda/planner to help better keep track of appointments as well as just trying to set a daily schedule for myself as well (like I did back in school, especially with my memory issues so I didn't forget anything), in scheduling things I've been trying to schedule in time during every week to have a "weekend/relaxation time" where I don't do any type of work if I don't want to, a few days to just mentally de-escalate.

In terms of actual work, I've been working on making my own etsy store and products for it, reviewing other products from other businesses/tarot decks, doing tarot readings for clients both on livestreams and privately, as well as general work around the house.

In terms of my online work besides working on my shop and products for it, and doing reviews, and working with clientele in terms of tarot readings, I've also been slowly working on doing research for book reviews for witchy books. Some may see it as not legitimate work, but it's work to me, I'm trying to create an income in something that not only makes me happy but something I strongly believe in as well, but it's slow going.

Now this is just a disclaimer, I am not asking for advice, money, or opinions on my current situation or medical status. I am actively working with a medical team to best get to results as fast as they are able too, I do not want any form of donation to deal with medical debt. This was honestly just a place for me to vent away from my main profile on other platforms where people may have gotten the wrong idea and thought I was asking for money or tried to give me money, I honestly just wanted a place to vent and that's all this post is. It is a place to vent, and it's a moment in time that I can look back on in the future and see where all my progress started while I continue working on myself as a person.