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riverdale-retread · 1 year

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Riverdale s7 e1

There is a lot of commentary about whether the show is bad or good, and among those who hold that it's bad, a debate about whether said badness is intentional (It's camp! It's satire! It's commentary on culture and/or our times!) or brought about from a lack of talent or planning by the producers, writers and/or actors.

What I say is this - I love the care with which Riverdale is made. Starting with the S7 opening sequence!!

Archie’s painted hot rod is shown, then as the song plays Archie spins into view, his face framed in a little circle. He's doing something with his eyebrows. His smile is just a little off. Not a LOT off. Just off. Immediately after that we see him press a kiss to Mary Andrews' cheek. We know it's all wrong because Mary Andrews is wary of the violence of this son that she regrets mothering and can't wait to get rid of. They are not this affectionate.

Next up is Betty Cooper, short hair in the cutest ringlets, smiling sweetly, looking wholesome. Betty Cooper found the pressure to be sweetly wholesome unbearably suffocating all six seasons of this show. Immediately after her is Veronica with the most spectacular bangs, looking pretty and hard and insincere. These are things that Veronica hates to be thought of as.

Then comes Cheryl, severely annoyed to be there, giving an evil eyed false smile. Assuming arguendo that this is Jughead as world-maker as well as narrator, the fact that Cheryl gets to have a do-over of her intro in the montage, a doubling-up if you will, is noteworthy. Everyone else gets the one shot in the juke box, but Cheryl gets a twofer, wearing the Lolita-Grundy sunglasses and pouting over the door of a great looking convertible. Kevin, looking gormless is up next and it makes me feel worried. Toni Topaz is looking ultra heterosexual with her long ponytail up-do. She winks at the audience. This is not edgy Serpent Queen Toni at all. But she and Veronica both look spectacular with bangs. Tabitha in white cats’ eye glasses and white gloves, blows a kiss to the audience, looking sheltered and innocent when we all know she's a weirdo and not above cosplaying a truck stop hooker to catch a killer.

The only person who looks like "himself" is Jughead, who comes last. Worried, frantic, concerned and unhappy - basically, fail-adult Jughead without Tabitha. Poor Jughead.

The year, he says, is 1955 and apparently people didn't mind when couples executed complicated dances involving swirling skirts inside a diner where people are trying to eat. Jughead is narrating as he clatters away on a huge typewriter at the Diner. Apparently the patrons don't mind that either. Does he keep it there? Did he commandeer the one in the office?? Does he haul it around??

As Jughead narrates, speculating about where he is - Not sure if he's in the past or the past of an alternate universe - he speaks faster and more frantically, sounding more and more like Bunker Jughead of Rivervale. He tries to sound unhappy about living in a railcar with Hot Dog (". . . which actually tracks" sighhhh) but we all know he's relieved he's not homeless and couch surfing. Having a dog and a residence of his own is more stability than he's had since graduating high school and before Jabitha began cohabitation.

They're all juniors in high school again! Betty and Kevin holding hands down the hallway, Betty in excellent patterned pants with eyes only for Kevin who won't look at her. Jughead looks at the two of them with an expression of suppressing in indigestion burp but neither notice him. Jughead is worried for Betty, all the time, nonstop, in every universe. Plus Bughead were the horniest little fuckers in any high school on American television ever, and so the fact of Betty dating a gay man worries Jughead. He doesn’t want to have sex with her anymore, yet Jughead wants Betty to have good things. And Jughead has never liked Kevin much, but he’s worried for Kevin too. Betty wasn’t and isn’t a girl who takes not getting her way with grace.

Cheryl still has a twin brother, but she is completely not at all in love with this one. The face she makes is not of a girl dominating the halls of her high school with her soulmate. Jughead feels very similar about this iteration of a Boy Blossom, noting first and foremost that this kiddo is Cheryl’s twin, then second that he is not Jason, before introducing us to his actual name: Julian.

Julian like the possessed doll, the chimera twin that got eaten by Cheryl in the womb, etc, that Julian. Who actually knew this Julian name, other than Toni?

Jughead’s thoughts turn directly from Cheryl to Not-Jason to Reggie then on to Archie. This is the first of several pings back to earlier seasons, which I am sure I’m not going to be able to catch in a perfect way. But! Reggie and Jason were constantly in each other’s company in Jughead’s hallucinatory reminiscences of Jason during S1, even though Reggie barely ever mentioned Jason, and Cheryl has never been shown actually discussing Jason with either Reggie 1.0 or 2.0.

The key thing that Jughead notices about Archie is his body, in the same way the key thing he notices about Julian is that he is not Jason. Archie being wholesome enough to kiss his mom on the cheek goodbye every morning being into body building in 1955 is very progressive (and gay) of him, isn’t it? That sort of muscular build was still sort of a niche thing, I thought.

Jughead has been frowning at all these people for quite a while, long enough to confirm that they have no recollection of their S6 selves. He hasn’t seen Tabitha, who he helpfully explains is chronokinetic and the town’s literal guardian angel AND his girlfriend.

Just in time, Pop Tate announces that the bus from Mississippi has arrived. Tabitha, looking very sad, is accompanied by Toni, equally sad, and a third person, who I assumed was Chuck even though the actor has changed because that wouldn’t be Munroe. Sadness from having to witness an act of racial injustice and hatred makes people move in slow motion into the Diner.

Jughead watches Tabitha slowly walk past him before he calls her name. The way he says “Tabitha” is so cautious, because she might reject any conversation with the guy wearing a bulky sweater with the S stamped on it AND a felt crown making very loud tappity tap noises at her grandfather’s diner, and hopeful, because maybe they’re friends, and maybe hearing Jughead will make this Tabitha remember season 6. The guarded, questioning response he gets from her makes Jughead change tack fast, to discuss the Emmett Till hearing verdict as something he heard “on the radio.” When Jughead says the verdict made him “sick to my stomach” Tabitha frowns slightly, wary of where he might go with this, perhaps. Tabitha saying that she and her friends are trying to figure out what they should do next, Jughead isn’t even breathing. He’s watching her so hard, so hopeful that Tabitha will give him some hint that she knows this is the wrong universe, and so worried she might not.

When she asks him to confirm that his name is Jughead in a way that indicates they aren’t even friends in this universe, Jughead is so hurt that his drops out of his careful, speak-in-full-sentences 1950s speech, and stutters. His eyes get much, much sadder, right before he says it’s overwhelming and heartbreaking. He looks like he might cry. Poor Jughead.

The cruelty of his fate is astounding. He was a kid who was left behind and rejected by his mother, let to live homeless by his father, rejected by Fred Andrews, routinely forgotten by his girlfriend during what he thought of as their shared childhood memories, and now, the singularly stable adult friendship and relationship of his life is like it never existed. Jughead Jones is someone who hasn’t ever been without a girlfriend, it seems since starting one with Betty Cooper, but now when he needs a relationship the most, Tabitha literally doesn’t know him.

Simply because Tabitha Tate doesn’t know him, Jughead hates everything about the 1950s. (Whoever said the 1950s was the greatest decade should have their head examined, he deadpans.)

Archie is trying to skip out of the house when Mary calls to him. Archie grimaces so hard at his mother’s summons that I can see it through the back of his head. This did give me a small twinge of hope that maybe he does remember S1-6, and that Archie is putting on this wholesome teenager act, same as Jughead, until he can figure out what’s going on. He puts on an evidently false face of doe-eyed innocence when he gets it together to go talk to his mother. He’s literally never made that face before in the past six years.

Mary Andrews is very upset about the photos of James Dean’s car accident in the papers, so she confiscates the keys to Archie’s “hotrod” with “fire painted on its sides.” Archie tries to talk his way out of this but fails. He longingly looks at his “barely above a jalopy” vehicle before turning to face the reality of having to take a very old looking bicycle to school.

Archie has never been this cute to me. His little face! Then he’s peddling uphill, getting honked at, and so mad . Just, adorable. I wanna give him a cookie. He gets to school just in time.

Meanwhile, Betty in her very excellent 1950s pants is sitting with Toni in the Blue and Gold room. Her sweater says Betty on it in a curly font. With her short blonde curls framing her sweet face Betty looks picture perfect. She and Toni both have such enormous eyes that I keep getting distracted from the serious topic they are discussing - how to get past the school censors to properly cover the Emmett Till travesty. When Betty says she will throw her weight behind getting the story told, Toni smiles at her in a small cheek scrunching way that she’s never done before. She looks amazing, by the way - the bangs, the big hoop earrings, the scarf /headband thing in her hair, the Southside Serpent Jeans jacket.

Cut to a class where a 1950s tv announcer voice is explaining what a mill is (a souped up hot rod or jalopy) in a film the class are watching when the principal (Warden Norton repurposed as Principal Featherhead!) bursts in to make an announcement. Archie is wearing an R sweater, with Jughead in the S sweater seated nearby.

What do these mean??

Veronica make an iconic entrance, complete with heralding blues horns. Yellow heels, yellow belt, black dress with white polka dots, black purse, sunglasses, big black sunhat trimmed with the same fabric as her dress, and red lips. Lace gloves with little black polka dots.

OMG SHE LOOKS SO HOT.

I want this whole thing. I make a vow to only wear yellow heels with black dresses.

Archie, getting his first look, drops his pencil. (Kevin, right behind him, has no reaction whatsoever.) Jughead, Tabitha-less, looks constipated as he notes: “Damn.”

Girl, that’s what I said!

With everyone else in some sort of sweater or jacket, buttoned up to the neck, Veronica’s plunging neckline and sleeveless dress makes her look practically naked. She’s a Hollywood scion - Hermione and Hiram have “Amercia’s number one rated television program,” and of course they’re going to call it, Oh Mija!

I LOVED this in-joke, because it functions as a tribute to Hiram. Mija was the word he said the most, after, maybe, Archie.

For some reason, this whole situation - Veronica’s appearance, introduction, presence and existence- piss Cheryl off entirely. She is huffing, rolling her eyes, and generally extremely antsy.

Seated right behind her, Archie is just in heaven. Veronica is being very alternative-universe here: her self introduction is very pompous. Real Veronica Lodge actually hates pomposity. Her vocabulary is still very Jughead-huge though (“opportune” and “raven haired.”) Veronica says that she’s trying a method acting type of thing (de rigueur for the age perhaps - another thing she might actually say) of experiencing small town life so she can better portray the “innocent ingenue” in the upcoming production of “Our Town.”

Longtime viewers are meant to know that she is lying about staying with an aunt-and-uncle, mostly because these people have never been introduced in the past six seasons. As far as we’ve ever been told about Hiram in the competing lores of his life, he doesn’t have siblings. We have almost no lore about Hermione, other than FP hit on her almost once in high school and she had the affair with Fred Andrews as an adult.

Both Cheryl and Betty do not like that Veronica called them “small town lifers” basically. Archie is entirely entranced with her, laughing at every little joke that Veronica makes, and even Cheryl pointedly turning in her seat to glare at him can’t make his besotted grin falter even a little bit.

Veronica purrs and preens when she calls herself “the scion of Tinseltown royalty.” I’m surprised she doesn’t roll her Rs. When she winsomely says Thank You, Archie, whose face has been lit up like a christmas tree this whole time, bursts into solitary applause. Cheryl is still very mad, but Archie gets rewarded with an extremely sexy wink by Veronica for being such an immediate fan.

Is that a blush I see on Archie’s face?

I love this Archie. He’s so cute.

The table that Veronica chooses to try to join is Cheryl, Betty, Kevin, Julian and Archie. This is a weird fricking cluster of people. Cheryl and Betty? And what the heck would Kevin and Julian have in common? When Veronica asks to sit, Cheryl wants to say no but she is betrayed by both of the other redheads, who clear the space immediately. Veronica comes to perch gracefully between the two redhead boys.

Veronica says she caught all their names in the class they were just in. Of course, Betty having BETTY embroidered into her sweater probably helps with that too. Remembering that the R wearing Archie is Archie might be more of a feat. Veronica shows that she took Cheryl’s eye rolls to heart by pointedly asking Cheryl what her name was. Cheryl is extremely displeased, yet again. This seems to know exactly what just happened between Veronica and Cheryl- he is trying very hard not to laugh too much.

Cheryl tries to explain that that they’d been discussing James Dean’s death, very self-importantly adding that she is president of his fanclub, when she gets undermined by Julian, who interrupts with a very weak joke about the Oh Mija! show being “high-larious,” to Veronica. He says that the Blossoms “tune in every week” which must be a lie, because Cheryl’s whole face sours. Betty and Kevin seem like they’re on the same wavelength. They project the same calm, almost bovine energy when they ask Veronica where she lived in LA (BelAir) and if she knew James Dean.

Cheryl sharply tells Kevin off for being “so provincial,” then goes off to sideways disparage Veronica by implying that she wasn’t important enough to be a friend of James Dean, a person who was friends with Elizabethe Taylor. Turns out Veronica Lodge was ‘friendly’ with Jimmy, “friendly” enough to go skinny dipping together at the Chateau Marmaduke (standing in for Chateau Marmont).

This makes Archie choke. Literally. He focuses on “skinny dipping” -Veronica! Naked! She does Naked things! - while Betty and Kevin (Bevin? Ketty??) are entranced about being that friendly with James Dean. Julian is more in Archie’s camp - he wants to know if Veronica has done the naked thing once or more than once. I so appreciate the asshole energy that Julian projects nonstop. He reminds me a lot of Bret Weston Wallis that way. You know on sight that he’s a dickhead, which is 180 degrees different from the angelic way that Jughead used to hallucinate Jason.

When Cheryl plays with her hair to sarcastically ask if Veronica will claim that she had dated Jimmy Dean, Veronica says no, but then drops a bombshell. James Dean “played both sides of the net.” In case the small town rubes don’t get her meaning, Veronica clarifies that this means both girls and boys. Kevin has a milder version of Archie’s choking reaction from seconds before at this thought. He’s smiling, and Betty is frowning. Oh? Oh???

When Kevin wants Veronica to name what James Dean was, Archie interrupts. This made me wonder if there was a 1950s term for bisexual, that everyone would’ve known, that you can say on a CW show in 2023? I guess not because Kevin never gets to finish his question.

Archie has a confused reaction, which fits canon so far and why Jarchie hasn’t happened yet even though it should. He finds the concept of regular guys who are almost cowboys (all American? Is that what he means to say?) being anything other than 100% proof heterosexual incomprehensible. Cheryl reacts with homophobic anger - it’s besmirchment, it’s foul, to say Jimmy Dean was not straight. When Veronica calls her provincial, Cheryl slut shames her. Nobody cares that Cheryl has flounced off, so now Kevin wants to know about Sal Mineo.

Kevin is definitely not straight in this universe. Veronica knows it, apparently immediately. Poor Betty.

In science class later that day we see ETHEL is Jughead’s lab desk partner. Jughead is miserable to be back in high school. He has an Asian American science teacher, who wears nerdy round glasses and has a bit of a lisp. The teacher says Bailey Comet is due to arrive in two years. He sounds vaguely Singporean, his teacher.

Cut to Cheryl screaming GUYS as she floats in the air, trying to ice the comet.

Cut to the end of school, where Archie winsomely offers Veronica an escort home. He has no ride, however, and Veronica isn’t the type of girl to walk. (She also just can’t, not in those high heels.) Julian has offered Veronica a ride, ditching his sister wholesale. JASON WOULD NEVER. Archie and Cheryl can’t bear to look at each other in the face of this rejection they’ve suffered.

In the waning light, Betty and Veronica are trying to talk to two old white men. Dupont from Stonewall is here in Riverdale now as Werther a ‘child psychiatrist’ who fully backs Warden, I mean Principal, Featherhead that the Emmett Till murder and trial are not suitable subject matter for the school paper.

Toni tries to advocate for publication by saying that people need to know what happened “so that it doesn’t happen again.” That is so adorable and incorrect. Knowing something terrible happened again does not in any way ensure that it doesn’t keep happening. I think the better way to think about it is, We owe it to the wronged to mark their stories. Featherhead shoots her down by saying that “these sorts of things don’t happen in Riverdale.” He also says a wrong thing - that “change doesn’t happen overnight.” Actually all change happens overnight. That’s where there’s always a backlash to any progress, because those who can’t keep up want to turn it back. A lot of the time, they succeed. In any case, Featherstone patronizes Toni by telling her take satisfaction in how ‘well written’ in article is.

Later, at family dinner in which Polly and Charles don’t exist, Betty tries to push her parents into reading Toni’s article on the air at their nightly broadcast on RIVW. 15 minutes is what they get, of which Toni’s article would take a whole minute. Hal’s 50s persona is very hilarious. He looks extremely shifty and chipunky, reminding me quite a lot of Peter Pettigrew of all things. Alice has absolutely killer eyebrows, sharp enough to slice your face open. They both repeat Featherstone’s line about the article being ‘well written’ but have no intention of rocking the boat. Betty is angry but she is overruled by the power of the Blossom money and her parents not wanting to upset their only sponsor.

1950s Archie is still the cutest. He is working his car, underneath it, as he breathlessly narrates his ove for Veronica Lodge. He actually says SHAZAM! persuasively. Hit with a thunderbolt indeed. He’s so 1950s in fact that the things he says and the way he says them feel suspicious too perfect. “How’s a guy like me gonna get anywhere with a girl like Veronica Lodge” and so forth. Jughead is perched like a depressed crow in his S sweater that seems to get darker and darker as the day goes on, looking off to the side and not listening to this earnest puppy love talk.

Jughead’s narration takes over. He is just so anxious. He’s talking so fast, thinking about Bailey’s Comet, trying to harness that to get back to the future. “But I needed [ pause ] help.” He sounds increasingly like the wigged out Bunker Jug of Rivervale. Archie asks for his dad’s hammer, which sets off Jughead’s memory - that Archie buried the hammer in the time capsule.

The capsule they buried in the year 2020 when they graduated from high school, not to be confused with the year 2020 when they were 6 years after graduating from high school, might still be in existence in 1955 even though they were sent ‘back’ to this time from the first but not the second 2020.

Jughead seems to think this is a logical leap and I am very tickled. I kind of find it annoying (sorry, anti-intellectualism incoming, mea culpa in advance) when time travel stories get too precious about theoretical physics, so this made me very pleased with the wild swings they take in narrative on Riverdale.

So! Jughead asks for a shovel to Archie, who gives him an odd look. Is it because Archie thinks “Can I borrow a shovel?” is a really weird response to “Have you seen my dad’s hammer?” or is it because Archie knows something?

Later that night, Jughead is digging something out of the ground again. Grave robbery is one of his leitmotifs, I suppose? He hits something hard, and guess what! It’s the time capsule. Jughead is out of breath as he says “Thank God” but he seems just as frantic and scared as before. And dun dun!! Someone is watching him do all this from the shadows! The hairline looks vaguely like Tabitha.

Veronica is going to school the next day, wearing more modest neckline and weather appropriate warm clothes. Archie has somehow gotten his car out of the garage, so now he’s able to offer her a ride home. She’s very pleased, but Jughead walks right in between the two of them, carrying the time capsule ice box. Summarily, he insists that the two of them come meet him in the music room. Veronica has no idea who he is.

In the music room, they’re all holding their 2020 self’s contribution to the time capsule. Toni has never seen the Pretty Poisons jacket. Veronica thinks the Pop’s menu is an only passable prop. Betty finds the headlines to be “like Dr. Seuss” meaning amusing gibberish, perhaps? And Kevin keeps asking unanswerable questions - he wants to know what the “inch” is in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Archie wants to know when Jughead buried Fred’s hammer in a cooler.

Jughead tackles that one first, saying “YOU did.” Archie genuinely looks like he has no idea what Jughead’ is talking about, but I’ve sussed it out now - 1950s Archie’s response to confusion is to smile about it. So he smiles. Jughead can see that his attempt to “shake something loose” in his friends’ minds isn’t working, so in his frustration, his presentation starts to get very garbled. He tells them they buried all these things 67 years ago IN THE FUTURE which, given the tenses, doesn’t even amount to English. He says they need to get back to ‘our present, our future’ before full on stuttering. Betty is concerned, Cheryl is annoyed, Toni and Kevin look embarrassed for Jughead, Archie is smiling because he’s confused. Veronica, however, is very entertained.

Archie wants to know what Jughead buried. Jughead knows it was his “yarn beanie” but then says it wasn’t in the time capsule. For some reason, this takes the fun out of this exercise for Archie, the fact that Jughead didn’t include an item of his own in the ‘cooler.’

Veronica says she’ll play along, and asks if she or Elizabeth Taylor is more famous in the future. Cheryl, not to be outdone, cuts in with a request to give a bird’s eye view of the future. Jughead has not thought this far in advance, so his answer is (adorably) piss poor. he just throw things out - smartphones, text messages, spotify, the internet - in THAT order which is the most confusing thing of all time. Betty tries to help him out since he’s getting frantic during this speech that makes no sense to her - she asks Jughead to describe everyone’s Season 6 selves.

Jughead’s summaries are as follows: Archie was in the army, fought in a war. Betty was in FBI hunting serial killers. The way Betty practically salivates at the word serial killer, which doesn’t exist as a word yet, is VERY interesting. Veronica owns a casino, and before that a speakeasy. Toni bought the speakeasy, turned it into a biker bar. Both Veronica and Toni are charmed by this story.

Jughead positively chokes when he tries to summarize Kevin’s life. He can tell, by this time, that this is going very sideways, which won’t be helped by how out of sorts Kevin’s life became by the end of Season 6. Kevin is summarized as directing some musicals, after which he joined an organ harvesting cult. Not wrong, but not very fulsome. Cheryl, Jughead says, was possessed by an ancestor and became a witch. She is not a happy customer, at all.

Archie says a fascinating thing- that he wouldn’t want to go back to the future because “we” sound miserable. Well, given that he was just told he joined the army and went to war, this is true for him, but not all the futures are miserable.

Veronica wants to know how the whole ‘going back to the future’ thing will happen, to which Jughead’s entire presentation falls completely apart. When he says that one of the ways might be a comet, Toni (who has tried very hard to be polite so far) gives a What the fuck look to Betty, who answers it with a Oh he’s just like this smile. Jughead is fully in frantic world-maintainer Bunker Jughead mode now, and starts shouting about having Archie and Betty make out on Archie’s bed and then “BLOW UP A BOMB UNDERNEATH THEM.”

This is so funny. I love with Jughead gets all Bunker-Jug, with the shouting and the extreme hand gestures. Is he perhaps channeling Hiram??

Everyone thinks this is very funny, but Archie has had enough. Archie tries to make Jughead ‘take five’ which puts Jughead fully into feral motormouth mode to ask “YOU’RENOTGONNABEATMEUPAREYOUCUZYOU’REREALLYVIOLENTINTHEFUTURE”

The whole sentence is spit out as one long word.

When the two of them are alone in the gym, Archie lets it rip. “People are going to think you belong in the looney bin with the other nutjobs!” and “It’s hard enough without your crazy stories” etc. Jughead is coming down from his frantic mania so being called a ‘nut job’ is not helping. His eyes actually start to glisten with tears. “You think I’m crazy?” he asks, in a more normal, much sadder cadence. Jughead is so upset, and so lonely, and so despairing.

This is a big change from his mid teens, when he took on being not understood, being isolated, unique and alone, as a badge of honor. This Jughead understands the horror of being trapped in a solitary reality. He can’t even stand to look at Archie, because that would mean confronting how trapped and alone he actually is in this universe. Archie tries to be kind, telling him to keep using his ‘overactive’ imagination by channeling that energy into creating fiction. When Jughead gives up altogether, and agrees, Archie actually skips a couple steps (something he’s never done in any of the other universes) before leaving Jughead standing in the gym.

At the very red, very depressing Blossom mansion, Penelope, who has the most fascinating hairdo (it’s both ornate and simple, hideous and perfectly coiffed) while dressed like the nightmare camp version of the English queen wants to know why her twins look so sullen. The way the Blossom twins of this universe bicker seems much more realistic, and, accordingly, much more dull. I think this is post facto validation for the way the Cheryl-Jason relationship is in the S1-6 canon. It’s so much more interesting than this mundanity between Julian and Cheryl.

Penelope delivers movie magazines to Cheryl, and on the cover is someone not Veronica Lodge being cast in Our Town!

Meanwhile, Veronica is on a date with Archie at Pop’s! She loves the food. All her attempts to make lighthearted conversation with Archie fail. He has no idea who Gloria Swanson is. This literally breaks Veronica’s spirit. So she changes her line of questioning - “Tell me everything there is to know about Archie Andrews.”

His life is so boring. “Work on my car. I like sports. I come here to pops. And i hangout at sweet water river. mostly to fish.”

Then Archie reveals that Fred didn’t make it back from the Korean War, making him one of the 33,000 American servicemen who died. Thank you Fred Andrews for your service, I guess? I’m slightly peeved that they didn’t make up a different war like they did for Archie to go fight in during the 2020 that lasted for seven years, but then they used the real Emmett Till story so they might as well use the Korean War, I suppose. Archie is very used to people being upset about having asked, as well as not knowing what to say, so he is very smooth in the way he assures Veronica that “It’s OK” when she tries to apologize for prying. In this universe, Mary Andrews works part time at the dress shop (no lawyering for her, alas). I’m shocked she doesn’t work at Pop’s. Though I guess maybe this economy is better.

Archie has never had a serious girlfriend by his Junior year of HS, about which Veronica is shocked. Two days after meeting Veronica and in the course of their first real date, Archie more or less says that he wants to be Veronica’s boyfriend. He looks so starry eyed at her, that Veronica is extremely charmed. (So am I.)

But Veronica can’t be let to have nice things, so in comes Cheryl, shouting “J’accuse!” Cheryl hates Veronica SO MUCH. Just the ad hominem insults - “lying liar of a spoiled brat” and “banished by your parents!” - and she insists on shouting the fact that Veronica employed a bit of puffery when she was introducing herself to the class.

At the Pembroke, Veronica is weeping while consoled by Archie. Archie tries to say nobody takes Cheryl seriously Veronica fesses up that she was in fact banished, and she was a problem for her parents. Veronica says she was ignored and sidelined since the Lodges started Oh Mija! This is fascinating actually because Veronica’s persistent problem during her high school years was that both her parents were completely obsessed with her- and when she acquired a hitherto unknown older sibling halfway through her years in high school, Hermosa exhibited the same Lodge trait - obsession with Veronica, wanting to love her, wanting and willing to shoot at people on her behalf, and hating her just the little bit. Now, in this universe, she’s an inconvenient burden neither parents cares much about - which indicates that Veronica was so the object of her parents’ focus because the two of them didn’t have sufficient creative outlets. “The show is their real baby, not me.”

This happened in a slower way during S5-6. When Hiram finally, FINALLY killed off Riverdale and began his SoDale giant real estate project, he stopped being as invested in Veronica per se. And when Hermione found the semi-acting gig of being a “Real Housewife,” she disappeared entirely out of Veronica’s life.

It turns out Veronica’s deep dark secret, the thing that got her banished to Riverdale by her parents, was that she was in fact tangentially involved in James Dean’s death. She was one of several good time girls who formed a sort of racing fandom for Dean, and were going to meet him to cheer him on during a race.

After consoling Veronica, Archie gets home late, to be immediately yelled at by Mary. Mary is traumatized by the loss of Fred Andrews - which she honestly wasn’t very much in S4-6. Maybe this is why, if he does remember, Archie prefers to stay in this universe. He has a mom who cares deeply that his father died. Mother and son bond over their shared loss. The compromise is that Archie is allowed to drive as long as his car goes very, very slow. I will also note that his question about how he took HIS car out in a drive is a very unteenager thing to say. So the question remains - what does Archie know or sense about this alternate universe?

In a fit of masochism, Veronica watches her parents’ show. The kid cast to play the Mija is Tillie Temple (aka Shirley Temple, perhaps??). Veronica hates Tilie. Of course, right now is when Hermione calls. Turns out someone is keeping a strict eye on the guests that Veronica has over at the apartment. Veronica wants to go home for Thanksgiving, but Hermione doesn’t say she can come. She has Orson Welles visiting. Veronica is so lonely. This is also new for Veronica - Maternal rejection has never been her problem. That was usually reserved for Jughead, Cheryl and to a lesser extent, Betty and Archie.

Betty reads the Emmett Till newsletter which show the pictures of what Till went through. It radicalizes Betty into wanting to publish the article Toni wrote. But Toni wants to read a poem out during the morning announcements. There’s an echo of the larger theme in S1 through 6 here. In previous seasons, Cheryl took it upon herself to make up for her ancestor’s sins. In this one, Toni wants Cheryl to make it up to - who? Toni? the world? - someone for her parents’ cowardice in not wanting to cover the Till murder. Toni is planning an ambush.

Tabitha immediately approaches Jughead She asks for help. NAACP is taking Emmett Till’s mother on tour, so Tabitha is going with them. What Tabitha needs someone to help her ‘stay on top of’ school while she is on this tour. It’s really not clear to me what that will be, but Jughead - though he is crushed that this Tabitha doesn’t even seem to know him at all - agrees immediately. His eyes get all sad again, as he looks with wistful tenderness at this person who is exactly like his girlfriend but isn’t, at all. He smiles and says “Awesome!” which he corrects to “Swell.”

Meanwhile Toni ambushes Cheryl in the bathroom with Betty. Cheryl doesn’t mind letting Toni borrow her platform, but points out that Featherhead has pulled the plug before. For what, I wonder? When?? She’s otherwise very easily persuaded.

Tabitha has fainted, Featherhead is tending to her, Miss Bell is off, and so now, Toni can take over the morning announcement!

As Toni was reading the Langston Hughes poem I realized with the Rs and Ss stand for on those sweaters. R is for Riverdale. A bunch of other students have Rs emblazoned on their sweaters and sweatshirts. So the S must be for Southside. Jughead wears a Southside High sweater all the time to attend Riverdale High, and they just let him!

So anyway Toni exhorts everyone to ‘talk to each other’ about it, and this is the third weird lie propagated in American society. The emphasis on dialogue as somehow a catalyst for systemic change, which it is not

The four girls get a telling off from Featherhead, who tries to call them liars -but Tabitha has an answer for that (she felt sick! but felt better!) and insubordinate - but Cheryl has an answer for that (there has not been a rule that poetry can’t be read during the morning announcement or that they have to pass censorship).

In the classroom later, the teacher does open up the discussion to the topic, but see, this is the problem. It puts the burden on the three people of color - Tabitha, Toni, and the unnamed guy I have assumed is Chuck Clayton- to explain reality to everyone else, who can be passive recipients of information and responsible only for articulating their emotional responses.

Later that school day, Veronica is offered a ride by both Julian and Archie, and rejects them both in favor of walking home!

Late at night, Jughead is freaking out by himself in the diner, no typewriter. He is cracking up. Maybe seasons 1-6 were the dream and he finally woke up!!

Tabitha slides into the booth and Glory Hallelujah it’s HIS Tabitha! “The Tabitha who remembers and loves you.” He reaches out to grasp her with both hands. He’s so happy to see her, he says, covering his eyes with one hand, trying not to burst into tears. Tabitha says that the comet hit because Cheryl failed, so they had their extinction level event after all. This isn’t the Sweet Hereafter. She instead used her life force to send everyone back to 1955 to try to change the future. She has to be ALONE to untangle all the messed up timelines. “You have to make a go of it here in the 50s.”

So she parked Jughead here in 1955 to be safe, but because he kept remembering the actual reality (and could drive himself insane or further corrupt the safe timeline) she had to come back to make him forget, so that he can “live in the present, in the moment.” Oh, but Tabitha. Jughead was already so bad at that! And now that’s his part of the mission? To hold it together without her while she fixes the universe?

Jabitha may be the MOST EPIC relationship in scale which doesn’t quite make up for the tiny amount of screen time we’re likely to get if Tabitha has decided that she has to solve this universe sized problem ALONE. Jughead was willing to die a LOT. Tabitha went through every single scenario where Jughead died to see how to make that not happen. And now, Jughead is going to endure having the happiest time of his life wiped from memory - the time when he was a stable adult, who knew who he was in the world, when he was in a relationship and family unit of people who accepted him and supported him, when he had a real home - because Tabitha says it’s “for the best.” He decides to trust her with erasing the thing that any of us hold the dearest - his memories that constitute his sense of self. And can we talk about Tabitha’s self sacrifice? She’s going to do this very difficult work of setting the UNIVERSE RIGHT while voluntarily, entirely, completely forgotten (by her own hand!) by her significant other who adores her, all her friends in the community she chose to become independent from her parents, all alone.

Holy shit.

Jughead’s sprint home after their kiss, which rightly seems to freeze time to be everlasting before Tabitha steps away, is so desperate and frantic. Jughead who was terrified of being forgotten is beginning to forget the most important person in his adult life. All he has are the words “bend. toward. justice.” and the sense that something terrible has just happened to him, without the ability to remember what it is. This isn’t the Sweet Hereafter. This has to be hell.

I am LOVING this. It’s so BIG. I wish they could SHOW it though. But I think eventually, because the universe does in fact bend towards justice, someone will write me the fanfic that will have me lain flat on the floor from devastation. Because omg the Jabitha relationship has SCOPE.

And the final kicker- Jughead doesn’t recognize his stupid hat. Ha!

P.S. The title reference, “Don’t Worry Darling” if it’s to that movie that came out this year, in 2023, then it’s very twisty and fun. Because that movie is about a man manipulating a woman’s mind for his own aggrandizement, and this episode is the mirror of that - a woman manipulating a man’s mind, with his explicit agreement, to save the universe.

#riverdale season 7 #riverdale opinion #jabitha #tabitha tate #jughead jones #veronica lodge #riverdale episode 7.1 #i am back on my bullshit #but wow these are taxing to write #i was so insanely bored during the pandemic that i could churn out one of these per day almost lol #i love this show so much #riverdale positivity #riverdale s7 recap #riverdale s7 #Riverdale s6 #riverdale recap #riverdale episode recap

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Riverdale S7 E2 Skip, Hop and Thump!

Mind-wiped 1950s Jughead Jones who doesn’t remember the true universe reads things like Pit of Tyranny and Things of Darkness while in bed with a very happy looking Hotdog (he’s so shaggy!) wearing long johns with gray socks.

“Superheroes were out! Horror and crime comics were in!” Jughead says. This I guess is Riverdale’s parting statement about the State of The Culture as of the airtime of this episode (April 5, 2023 in the US). We are not with the MCU! We’re doing something else!

Jughead is still wearing the felt crown on his head, in bed, in his long johns. Does he never take it off? Is it on his head in the shower too? Does it function like glasses? As in sometimes when I change clothes I have to take the whole thing off but other times I don’t. How does it stay on his head? He’s either been reading all night, or he reaches for one among a pile of comic books as soon as he wakes up every morning the way I reach for my smartphone (a tech he completely failed to explain properly last episode) to see what’s happened on tumblr? Many thoughts about the first 25 seconds of Ep 2.

Jughead says he and his friends are obsessed, before he sees something he doesn’t like. Jughead marches into school with a crown pinned to his head (it has to be pinned), a side slung book-bag and Charlie Brown’s mustard yellow sweater with the black stripe across the chest. They are not fooling around in the costume department at Riverdale the Show.

Mind-wiped Jughead speaks with the same weird cadence now as 50s Archie who may or may not be aware that he is in an Alternate Universe: much more singsong, elongated vowels, generally slower speech. He tells his group of comic book loving friends - Ethel (Hi Ethel!), Ben Button, and the AU Dilton Doiley. (Why couldn’t they get the OG Dilton back? Did he refuse to cute his beautiful long hair for this time skip switcheroo?)

Jughead is in a high dudgeon. He says the comic publisher “stole his story!” and that he should “sue ‘em!” One of Jughead’s minor themes is that of plagiarism and accusations thereof. He was first accused of plagiarism (wrongly) while at Stonewall Prep which then led to his being, in essence if not in the legality, expelled from that school for the said charge. As an adult he then had an entire novel stolen out from under him by Jess, an ex, with one ex, Betty, and one future girlfriend, Tabitha, helping Jess steal it, after which he tried to steal the novel handed to him by the one night stand that blackmailed him into reading it. He fessed up to that one at the last minute, but it cost him his writing contract and his relationship with his editor, a gruff-but-loving father figure in a life woefully deprived of a reliable fatherly presence. And now, in this timewarp 1950s, he is certain that a publisher stole from him.

Can I just say - I love maniacal Jughead. Whenever he gets like this, his eyes get really weird and bright. He just loves to be vibrating in outrage, with or without his core memories. Dilton thinks he’s being illogical, Ben is too sick of these forays into mania to even continue to look at Jughead, but Ethel is fully turned on. Ethel has a really really beautiful pair of eyes on her, and she’s getting very bedroomy at Jughead about his insane sounding plan to go “pay a visit” to the publisher. Nobody agrees to go with him though.

Toni, followed by Fangs, followed by some white kid who is NOT SWEET PEA swagger into the class room just as Cheryl is making her candied-sweetness announcement about the upcoming Annual Sock Hop. I have heard of a “sock hop” but being a not terribly curious person it did not occur to me to look up what the heck that was. I knew they wore white ankle socks and had like ‘bobby soxers” and stuff so I assumed it was about wearing those socks. But no. You’re supposed to dance in your socks (no shoes).

An aside: I am furious not just at the loss of Sweet Pea (Yes, I know he left in S5 but I am not over it and you can’t make me) but the fact that they gave Fangs Sweet Pea’s middle of forehead curl hairdo. That does not work for me!

Cheryl in this universe is a specific kind of naggy person that I feel very called out by. She doesn’t just invite people to the Sock Hop. She reminds them (well, tells me, so I’m thankful for this but I think everyone in the universe knows that you don’t wear shoes to dance at the Sock Hop) that Sock Hop = shoeless dancing but then has to go on to tell boys to make sure their socks match AND that they have no holes. The reason you do this kind of nagging is because you assume whoever you’re nagging is dumber than a pile of rocks. Notice that Cheryl, whose lesbianism often comes with a side of straight on hatred of men (her Jason-love being the only exception), only lectures the BOYS about this.

She looks extremely adorable with her red headband that perfectly matches her bright lipstick.

We get a cute montage of sorts of everyone looking at their heart’s desire.

Fangs is making eyes at Midge, who pretends she wasn’t the one that turned around in her seat wholesale stare at him for no reason when he just was walking to his assigned seat. She is shooketh. Archie turns around in his seat to stare longingly at Veronica, who has eyes only for herself - she is fixing her make up in a little handheld mirror. (Foreshadowing??) Aha but it turns out Veronica knew that she was going to be looked at by someone, and has put up the mirror as a ploy to hide her sightline. We are treated to her point of view- It turns out Julian is also looking directly at Veronica. As Cheryl keeps talking, Veronica’s view goes from Julian all the way to Archie, who is fully staring bug eyed and open mouthed at her pulchritude. I have to say once more I love 1950s Archie. He is so guileless. In this age of being stuck being penpals of people on what’s supposed to be dating/ hookup apps, this level of direct physical statements of intent, of clearly twisting your spine to give someone A LOOK feels very refreshing. And (More Foreshadowing??) Veronica’s gaze does not stop at the agog-Archie. It continues on to Betty, who looks very annoyed at the way Archie is gawking at Veronica. She gives Veronica a disapproving look before turning her sights on to Kevin. Or rather, the back of Kevin’s head, because once more, Kevin is not looking at Betty Cooper.

Which basically tells you everything you need to know about Kevin, because HAVE YOU SEEN 1950S BETTY COOPER?? Why would you look at anyone else ever? But of course, Kevin is looking at the new student who I have assumed is Chuck Clayton but absolutely isn’t, because even in an alternate universe Chuck Clayton would not be not straight. (Lucky me, I guess? Ugh.)

Cheryl, who has been going on and on this whole time about how the Sock Hop is going to be “Both the Bee’s Knees and the Cat’s Pajamas” (very interesting that so far, 1950s Cheryl doesn’t use 19th Century syntax) positively squeaks as she announces that Kevin and the Crooners will be performing at the dance! Betty, who is very good at certain kinds of support, reaches over to squeeze Kevin’s arm at the mention of his name, which finally gets him to take his eyes off the boy of his dreams.

The bell rings, and Archie chases her down. Veronica’s headband matches her dress and I have bangs and shoulder length hair and am seized with an irrational desire to wear a headband. Archie wants to know if Veronica wants to go to the Sock Hop with him. Veronica is pleased, but she doesn’t say yes. Instead she asks Archie if he knows how to cut a rug.

Archie looks down, then away, making an uncomfortable face. Veronica assumes that Archie doesn’t know what Cut a Rug means. She thinks Archie is really, very, extremely dumb. Interesting. She asks “Are you a good dancer?” by way of explanation. Archie’s response is still delayed. He dredges up a “Oh! Yeah. Of course I am!” and - the performance is really hilarious to me because I’ve watched it three times in a row, just this exchange and honestly I CAN’T DECIDE if Veronica is right that Archie does not know this extremely commonly used idiom in his one and only language OR if it’s because Archie does have fluency in his mother tongue but is simply bad at lying to the girl he likes a whole lot (He can’t dance, it’s later revealed). Veronica says that she believes him yet will “still need a demonstration.” Then she calls him “Daddy O” which turns him all so hard that all the blood from his brain goes somewhere else in a hurry and he just is mutely nodding. Oh Archie.

Toni Topaz, looking excellent in her ponytail-with-bangs, oozes up to Cheryl who eagerly asks if she’s going to buy tickets to the Sock Hop. “Are you asking me out?” is what she says, which then rings about the cutest meltdown. Cheryl entirely fails at sounding outraged because she’s elated, but is aware that Midge is there, so she stutters (to Midge, by turning her head away from Toni) that she OF COURSE ISN’T asking Toni out because - because she’s the *host!* And and and (Cheryl never stutters, but here she is, stuttering) also she’s a … [unspeakable word: GIRL] and Toni is also [unspeakable word: Girl]!! And girls don’t!!

Toni makes fun of Cheryl - smirkily asking what she means to say: “Girls don’t what? Dance with other girls?” and then says “Calm down, Peggy Sue.” To add insult to injury she then talks about how Fangs is a singer who deserves to be in the lineup for the music for the dance. The dirty look that Cheryl gives Fangs is a balm to my heart. I stan Cheryl Blossom for many reasons, but her persistent hatred of Fangs makes her my avatar. Cheryl suddenly remembers that she does not like anything associated with the Southside, and so is rude about the Serpents. She doesn’t want them at her Sock Hop because they will “Start a Rumble.” Toni tells her nobody will buy tickets to this thing with Kevin’s “B-grade barbershop quartet.” BURN. Fangs follows Toni around like he always used to in the proper universe, but this time he says bye to only Midge, who pretends rather incompetently that she is not all about that attention. Cheryl smacks her.

At PEP comics, which is in the building that used to house the Charles Smith FBI Field Office in the future, Jughead Jones is waiting impatiently for his turn to speak to the editor in chief. There’s a secretary lady and a young male assistant to the EIC. Jughead is determined to have his say, and his trying to stay true to that purpose while being obviously a bit intimidated by Al Fieldstone is very cute. He can’t even face him head on, instead angling his body towards the door in case he needs to skedaddle for his life in a hurry.

Mind-Wiped 50s Jughead speaks in the same OG Disney Channel (like, when Walt was on shows on it) Ozzy-and-Harriet, the OG Mickey Mouse Club candances as Archie. It’s very funny when placed against the more natural delivery of Al Fieldstone. Jughead is very scared but he says what he came to say. “I submitted a story that you - rejected it. And then- surprise surprise! - you ran a story that was exactly like it! Now, you might call that a coincidence, but I call it theft!” Even the way he puts his little hands on his little hips has no conviction, because Jughead is so intimidated by Mr. Fieldstone. He looks a little astonished at his own moxie at having said all this to this man.

Fieldstone growls that there are “no original ideas” and that he has hundreds of submissions every week which are all “slop” - and Jughead stutteringly insisting that the “timing” and “details” are too much to be a coincidence? Fieldstone rolls right over him. Filing cabinets, he says, are filled with every germ of a story idea he’s ever had. Fieldstone boasts about a backlog he’s “waiting to farm out” to potential writers. Jughead is very gifted at making the most of opportunities, I guess, because he immediately volunteers his own services as a writer.

“You’re looking for writers??”

“Always!”

“Well I’m! A - WRITER.”

Again, Jug looks so amazed at himself, for calling himself a writer in front of an actual publisher His eyes hold more than a small amount of fear that he won’t be believed, and won’t be allowed to claim this title. But he doesn’t blow it! Jughead wants to know how he can be ‘considered’ for a writing job, to which the editor in chief hands him a slip of paper with the aforementioned story kernel on it, and tells him to come up with “seven pages” that won’t “make him want to puke.”

Jughead leaves elated, entirely having forgotten about why he came to begin with. Obviously, Fieldstone has been through this spiel thousands of times before. What writers want, according to Riverdale, is not actually justice in the event of a plagiarism event. What they want is a paying writing gig, and the offer of one will make them forget everything else.

Meanwhile, in Betty’s bedroom, Archie confirms that he indeed knows the phrase “cut a rug” but he has a panic response to the word “dance” because he once broke Midge’s toe attempting to dance once. Betty is going to teach him the twist. She tells him to move his hips from side to side. Archie’s hips stay stock still but he moves his shoulders in rhythm which is a start. Betty tells him less shoulders, more hips, but then he just has a body disregulation event. It makes Betty give up right then and there, switching them over to slow dancing. The song says “Be miiiiine/ For the Rest of my Life” while Betty and Archie in a peachy glow look lovingly at each other. Oh they are so cute.

Of course, this is when Alice Cooper has to come barging in. She is scandalized. While she shuts off the music, Betty and Archie try to explain that they weren’t doing anything bad, that Archie was gearing up to ask out “The new girl” (according to Betty) who is “a celebrity from Hollywood!” (according to Archie). She summarily kicks Archie out. I LOVE Alice’s outfit - the floral print, the wide skirt, the green cardigan, the skinny pink belt, the super high heels. This looks like the more uncomfortable thing you could choose to wear at home, but it look undeniably excellent.

Meanwhile, in the extremely big traincar in which Jughead lives, we have AN ETHELEHEAD MOMENT. Jughead has shown his draft to Ethel, who says she is so jealous of the opportunity he has to submit something to Pep Comics. Jughead says she’s as good as anybody, then goes on to offer that if his story passes muster, he will recommend her as an artist to the publisher. This is so cute. I love this. I also like it in general when Jughead Jones has a nice looking place to live.

Cheryl is obsessed with selling tickets to this Sock Hop thing! She drives solo to a lakefront piece of land where clearly people go to fuck in their cars, then does an INSANE thing. She knocks on windows to ask if they’ve bought a ticket. Of course, the first car she picks is the one Fangs is in. He rolls down the window for some reason to reveal Midge who looks scared and is in a pose that looks like she either just got done or was about to give head.

WHY DOES FANGS LOWER THE WINDOW???

Cheryl has a very Penelope Blossom freakout. “One of my precious Vixens with a common greaser! SACRILEGE! GET OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT THIS MINUTE!” Ah there is the Victorian syntax, back in full force! Further, the sheer power that Cheryl has is amazing. Midge, whinging, does exactly as she’s told. Cheryl’s coitus-interruptor outfit is excellent - red skirt with white polka dots, a white coat, red barrel handbag.

In one of the cars is Kevin and Betty. I hate Kevin. To quote Nathan Lane talking to the gays of Brokeback Mountain - “Leave those poor women alone!” He looks unhappy while he is in the car with the beautiful Betty Cooper, who wants to know why she and her so called boyfriend are sitting in a car at the make out spot not touching. He can’t even come up with some sort of answer for why he’s being such a withholding jackass. She points out that he hasn’t even asked her to the Sock Hop, to be his date. The way Kevin’s closeted self hatred manifests apparently is to be a misogynist. He doesn’t apologize for not asking Betty to the dance. He says he’d assumed she’d be there, while he performs, as his fan.

Betty can’t take it anymore and plants a passionate kiss on him. The revulsion he exhibits with his hands before he pushes her off! Kevin! Then he has the GALL to call her a sex maniac because she wants to be ‘pinned.’ (Just like I didn’t really know what at Sock Hop was, I am not sure anymore that I know what the whole ‘pinning’ business is actually, even though it’s mentioned a lot in things set in the 50s and in pulp novels.) I think it’s related to ‘going steady’ and I suppose promising to dry-hump only each other (because sex wasn’t allowed at this time officially between teens, right?). Betty rightfully leaves the car so she can walk home.

“Pretentious, clunky, too much dialogue, but it’ll do” is the assessment that Jughead’s writing gets. His hands are in an anxious prayer position, his foot is tapping from terrified nervous energy, and the hideous squares of his vest do not go with the hideous squares of his red checked shirt, but Jughead gets a job! Sort of! He gets paid for his writing, in any case.

Aside: In the same way that perhaps Archie was never very talented at music (the only person who thought he had a gift was his groomer - the university professor rejected him outright, for one) are we supposed to think Jughead is a hack? He got into a prestigious writing program for college, sure, but he didn’t place at the writing competition he submitted things to that got him Chippings’ attention, his classmates at Stonewall rated Donna’s fic to be the best, Betty as an adult called his writing cringe and now this.

Is a dollar a page a lot in 1950? It sounds dirt cheap pay, to me. Oh and see - the care with which Riverdale is made! The publisher is totally gypping Jughead, who is too naive to know it, and he doesn’t give a shit who the artist is that Jughead claims to know until he says that magic word - CHEAP- in which case the publisher wants the illustrations for the 7 page zombie story TOMORROW. The way Jughead frantically throw out the word “cheap” because the editor isn’t interested at “incredible artist, young, hungry” and the way the editor immediately wants to know about the CHEAP part!

Jughead’s wholesome offer of a handshake thanking a man who (a) definitely DID steal his story after rejecting it and (b) is going to pay him slave wages for a story he churned out based on a kernel probably stolen from yet another writer and (c) is now going to exploit Ethel’s work being met with suspicion was a great touch.

The next day at school, Kevin is drawn to the music room by the siren song of melodious piano playing. It turns out to be the black student who isn’t Chuck. We finally get told what his name is - it’s Clay Walker. He says he was “horsing around” even though he sounded extremely accomplished on the piano. Clay Walker gives Betty Cooper her dues - Kevin is ‘dating the prettiest girl at Riverdale High.” Once more, Kevin, STOP TORTURING HER. Clay says he has transferred in from ‘all over’ though that’s an evasion, not an answer. His father was military and he may now be dead (or perhaps somehow dishonorably discharged?) - Clay says his father WAS in the army. When Clay asks Kevin to recommend someone he should take to the dance because he doesn’t have a date yet, Kevin says the most damning thing. That “lots of people go stag.” Which means that his level of failing at comp het is not actually necessary at Riverdale. He’s ruining Betty’s teen years and subjecting her to constant sexual rejection on purpose when it isn’t necessary for his survival. I hate Kevin.

Aside: And actually, Kevin has a lot of weird toxicity doesn’t he? I’m not just talking about the strange way he yanked Fangs around, ultimately yeeting out on the relationship that he insisted they have with Toni and so on. That and his using white privilege to steal Toni’s baby away from her. And the fact that in his soul-selling to get Broadway success, Fangs is his servant and his sexual servicer, not an equal partner. When Jughead-Narrator of RIvervale sold his soul for comic book success, he just had the comic book success and a permanent resident booth inside Pop’s. He didn’t sexually or emotionally dominate a significant other.

Archie tries officially asking out Veronica again. She still doesn’t say yes. While reading Peyton Place, Veronica invites Archie to her place later that day, with the express purpose of auditioning to be her beau for the evening. Even though this proposition is actually quite insulting, the way Veronica looks - so alluring and perfect and knowing - is inducement enough. And really, Veronica does know how to lure them in. She tells Archie as he cutely skips out, “I’m rooting for you, Stud,” in the most sultry voice. He can’t control his happiness at being singled out (when he’s by himself, no less).

Once more, I adore 50s Archie. He’s so bouncy and cute and sweet and wholesome. This is how I think Jughead thinks Archie is, even though he isn’t, and I wonder also if that’s why this is why he’s like this in the universe that is Tabitha’s creation. (Even though she didn’t take the narrating duties away from Jughead, this is, in essence, a universe fueled by Tabitha’s power, so this is in some way her version of these people, right? In which case, Betty being insanely horny as fuck all the time is actually very funny to me.)

Speaking of which, Betty wants to know how Veronica makes this happen - how she gets boys to just do whatever she wants. “So they just do whatever you say!” she remarks. Can we just take a moment to discuss how absolutely spectacular Betty looks in this green sweater and cinched-waist skirt combo? Just SO sensual and sexy. Veronica totally finds her hot. I mean, generally, my central thesis about Veronica is that she’s gay. This is why her relationships with men never quite work out. She may be bisexual sexually but she is homosexual emotionally. She loves beautiful women, and wants to love on them and dance with them and boost their confidence. So Veronica does what she does with pretty ladies to Betty here, telling her she’s “a total Marilyn” and tells her how to break up with her boyfriend - ask some other boy out and make Kevin “all hot and bothered.”

Cheryl is still shilling tickets to her sock hop dance thing, but not very successfully. She accosts Dilton Doiley.

I am sad about what they’ve done with Dilton Doiley for this scene. He’s such a stereotypical Asian nerd, of the type that Riverdale has hitherto successfully avoided. OG Dilton was a feral little weirdo, who did things like encourage Archie to get a gun. Rivervale Dilton had long excellent hair and was a different kind of feral weirdo. Reggie 1.0 and 2.0 were also not the note-for-note rote racist Asian boy nerd stereotype that 50s Dilton is. He’s bespectacled, stuttering, scared of Toni Topaz (Minnie Mouse Serpent, be gone!) and bullied by Cheryl who seems literally half his size. A gormless Asian nerd afraid of women - feeds right into the Is he gay or is he Asian hatefulness which manages to be homophobic and racist at the same time. Great.

Back at the Andrews residence, Archie has tried on Fred’s jacket so he can have something to wear to Veronica’s shindig in the evening. The jacket does not fit at all whatsoever, so he presents himself awkwardly like a pretty scarecrow to ask for assistance for his mother. Mary Andrews giggles like a Flintstones wife which she’s never ever done before. She fixes the jacket. I wish I knew how to do things like ‘let out a hem a little bit. One more normal life skill I have neglected to acquire all this time. The faces that Archie makes in the mirror are, just to keep going on about it, SO VERY CUTE. He looks so handsome, so fresh faced, so excited, so sweet spirited.

He’s so in love with Veronica’s ‘celebrity’ or maybe ‘celebrity adjacent’ status. He keeps saying that about her to the mothers, even though Veronica actually shared how miserable her present existence is. She’s abandoned by her parents, has been always neglected by them, and lied about it all only to have it humiliatingly thrown in her face. And yet, Archie is just so taken with her Los Angeles, Big City, Glamorous It-Girl persona. Poor Veronica.

Mary cries about seeing Archie in Fred’s suit because she and Fred went to their Sock Hop together. Fred apparently wrote Mary love poetry in this universe. Archie has very cute pale blue wall paper with different sports implements. Archie seems very charmed by his parents’ high school courtship.

Inspired by this story, Archie writes Veronica a poem, then gets Betty to take a read through in case in sucks.

Okay so.

So.

I object to this sort of ‘friendship’ between boys and girls. I just feel like they aren’t really friendships but some sort of (at best) unconscious emotional cruelty by one party to the more sexually interested party or (at worst) taking advantage of someone who you know is into you and you’re not sure or you think you can do better so you’re backburnering them. And having them ‘coach’ you on how best to date someone else is a pretty shitty backburner-stoking method. So in principle I dislike this, but the fact that Archie is doing it to THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN RIVERDALE (that both gay boys agree on - that is Clay and Kevin) is a bit too much.

In any case, Betty likes the poem. I was supremely relieved that they didn’t make me listen to the poem, ngl. Because I really didn’t like any of Archie’s songs either (Sorry, Arch).

Cheryl has some courage. She goes to the site of the Speak-Easy that existed in the infinite space underneath Pop’s which looks like a trailer but somehow isn’t, which then hosted the second Whyte Wyrm, and in this era is a “coffee house” which actually looks like an amazing place I’d like to go to. Toni must have incredible vision because that space does not look like it has anywhere near enough light but yet she is reading. It’s literally called THE DARK ROOM. Bikers, beatniks and badasses are who Toni thinks she’s a part of but I ask you this - why would such cool people give a shit about playing music at the goddamn Riverdale Sock Hop?? Why is Toni so goddamn invested in Fangs taking the stage at what sounds like THE preppiest event of all time??

I do very much enjoy all the weird 50s hipster lingo that Toni uses. “Take a load off” etc.

Archie has brought wholesome flowers Veronica’s thing. She is wearing the most RIDICULOUS dress. An absolutely enormous flat black bow topping cancerous looking black buttons on a painted-on purple tightness. I both love it and hate it. She is holding an alcoholic drink when she enters, telling Archie that they were all discussing Eisenhower and presidential politics. Archie and I are both alarmed that there are “others.” There are no fewer than THREE others - one of which is the cursed Julian.

Meanwhile, the Cooper ladies are doing dishes together wearing really, really high heels at night. Do - did? - white people actually live like this in the 1950s? Like, outdoor shoes in the house is gross enough to me, but to wear 5 inch heeled shoes while doing the dishes at night? That is some extreme kink dominatrix shit to me. I’m very square and preppy, it’s true, but come on! Anyway, Betty tells her mom in the most winsomely adorable way that she is having ‘fluttering’ feelings about Archie. Alice, because she’s a piece of shit in any universe, tries to kibosh that by asking if the attraction is purely because Kevin makes Betty feel ‘underappreciated.’ This bitchy comment kills Betty’s glow immediately.

We skip to Jughead looking through Ethel’s illustration work. “Holy Hell, Ethel!” he exclaims. He thinks she’s produced something great. Ethel looks so happy. I know from previews something terrible is going to happen to her, but why can’t Ethel just have some nice things! Why?? And because Jughead doesn’t seem to think her being a girl is going to be an obstacle to getting paid for her art, Ethel takes courage and asked Jughead to be her date at the Sock Hop.

Except 1) Jughead was not at all keeping track of the date of the Sock Hop and 2) when he asks “For Kicks?” as a response she caves and agrees, even though she clearly meant it to be a date invitation.

I hate this. I hate this so much. They always do this in so much media, that a girl asking a guy to go to a thing like this can never lead anywhere good and often starts out with her being rejected outright in an offhand manner. Riverdale! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!!

Anyways, as though this wasn’t bad enough, Ethel’s very terrifying mother opens the door without knocking, bringing scary music in with her, and gives Jughead such an evil look of hateful silence that he goes from wanting to politely greet the woman (and possibly tell her how talented he thinks Ethel is) to being confused and a bit offended. Mrs. Muggs implicitly threatens her daughter and her guest with Mr. Mugg’s violence like this is a normal thing to do, which Jughead takes as his cue to leave.

At the Pembroke, which omg has a baby grand in the living room - I am so jealous when anyone has a huge musical instrument just in their living room - Archie cannot keep up with the competition. Veronica is telling an anecdote about Frank Sinatra. This might be a lie, right? Veronica is established as a liar. But in any case, I miscounted. There are FOUR, not three, other suitors in the room. The most annoying one is of course Julian Blossom, who insults Archie gratuitously.

Veronica has a fricking actual Monet in her living room. Julian recognizes it, preening that the Blossoms go art buying every summer. Bored perhaps, or maybe egotistically annoyed that instead of just being impressed Julian keeps trying to compete with her stories, Veronica solicits Archie’s opinion. The thing is, Veronica knows Archie is a know nothing. She even thinks he doesn’t know what Cut A Rug means. So she has to know she’s setting him up for humiliation, asking him for an opinion on Monet.

I do like Archie’s forthrightness. He says he prefers Norman Rockwell. Not letting it go, Julian attacks him about his clothing, which then touches the sore point that sets Archie off in every iteration - besmirching the honor of the sainted Fred Andrews. Veronica, recognizing a strategic blunder, tries to redirect everyone to a game of charades.

The Archie I know and kind of loathe finally emerges in this alternate timeline. Stiff with rage, he threatens violence on Julian before excusing himself to go. The concerned disappointment on Veronica’s face, as well as Julian being a jackass right behind her got to me.

Julian is what Bret Weston Wallis would be if Bret had been straight. But Bret wanted to bottom for Jughead Jones, so he came off somehow less repellent even though a lot of the things he did and said were just as terrible. Julian is Riverdale’s anti-heterosexual statement, I guess?

Archie tosses his poem for Veronica in the trash as he leaves.

The next morning, Veronica pays the Andrews home a visit, trying to put on her best nice girl front to Mary Andrews, who isn’t having it at all, whatsoever. Mary Andrews says about her son that he is “simple, so simple” which - OK so everyone including his mom thinks 50s Archie is as dumb as a sack of rocks. So Mary rightly tells Veronica off - “What kind of person auditions boys to go to a Sock Hop?!” and calls her “Little Miss Femme Fatale” before slamming the door in her face.

This is the most I’ve ever liked Mary Andrews in seven years.

That same morning, Alice Cooper has summoned Kevin to talk about Betty. Kevin basically tells Alice that he’s gay. “Betty wants THESE THINGS from me, but I’m not sure I can give them to her.” Like really. Any straight boy saying this to his girlfriend’s mom is almost as clear a statement of his homosexuality as saying “Mrs Cooper I want to suck cock.” But because Alice is a POS she thinks that this is normal. Or at least, she says so. I’m inclined to think she’s cockblocking Betty. If Alice in the 50s has the same sorts of things happen to her as the main universe - teen pregnancy from FP or Hal or whatever throwing her entire life off course - then she has an understandable motivation to make sure her totally gorgeous, sensual daughter is dating a gay boy who can’t stand to touch her even to keep up a straight front. Out of her bra, Alice produces a pin, and tells Kevin that what girls really want is a “fella who carries her books home for her from school or takes her to the movies or call them on the telephone.” She says the pin (which Hal gave her) will solve all sexual tension and make things be ‘pure.’

Whatever Alice and Hal have going on in this universe is just as sick as the thing they had together in the real universe.

Kevin looks like he wants to throw up, but takes Alice’s explanation that pinning Betty with her mom’s pin is going to take care of everything with a smile.

Suddenly, Toni is all about selling tickets to the Sock Hop because Fangs will be performing. Oh. Is this supposed to be an echo of like, their eventual marriage with baby stupidity in the main universe? And to top it off, Toni bullies the new Dilton Doiley into buying 5 tickets to the Sock Hop because this is supposed to be funny. It’s not and I hate it. Toni asks Cheryl if she’s told Kevin that he’s been replaced by Fangs, to which Cheryl says she hasn’t but also takes the chance to use a new hipster phrase she’s learned: “Can you dig it?”

Poor Ethel. Two hideous old white men are bearing down on her in the Principal’s office. She was doodling in Mr Doiley’s class (so Dilton is the science teacher’s kid - I feel too tired to point out this is a stereotype). It’s the illustration suitable for that comics magazine she wants to work for. Ethel’s work has a really cool R. Crumb kind of energy. So she tells the truth - she says she’s trying to meet a deadline for the Pep Comics project. The world is against Ethel, so she now has detention.

Archie approaches Veronica. He says he’s sorry he left in a huff but then scarily says, “I sincerely was going to rip Julian’s head off.” When Veronica responds with a suitably chastened apology, which she tops off with a sweet affirmation that she really liked getting to know him, Archie asks her out yet another time. Very interestingly, Veronica seems pleased that he’s still interested in her like that but rejects him for what looks like might be once too many times. She won’t be going with anyone. Archie gets rightly very annoyed, asking why she’d made him jump through hoops and participate in a dog and pony show. Veronica says it was a game, because to her way of thinking the queen bee is supposed to rile up the worker bees then fly off. Archie has finally had enough to stalk off.

Right before gym class (? I guess? I don’t understand the yellow button downs + belted blue shorts outfit they’re all changing into) Betty wants to know if Veronica has made her choice. Veronica says she’s going stag. I wish the gay girls flirting storyline was given to Veronica and not Toni or Cheryl. Anyway when Betty asks why, Veronica says without saying so that she is going alone as a form of penance for having been so thoughtless and careless with Archie’s feelings, making him do her bidding to compete for her against other boys. Betty asks if she didn’t like his poem, which Veronica doesn’t know anything about. Veronica tells Betty she doesn’t know who if anyone Archie is going with, but whoever she is “She is one lucky girl.” Betty looks at her beautiful self for reassurance, happy to hear her flutterings about Archie can maybe be explored, before skipping off adorably behind Veronica.

Immediately after, looking like 50s barbie in one of her sexy sweater-and-cinched-waist outfits of this season, Betty walks in slowmo to the beat of 80s synth music to ask Archie to the dance. I was so excited for her, but then Kevin FUCKING KELLER makes the record scratch happen by demanding that he must talk to Betty right this particular minute.

He takes her to the music room where all the sexual things happen at Riverdale High. He says he’s very sorry, mentions that he was cut from the program at the Sock Hop, and then tells Betty that she’s the “most wonderful, the ginchiest girl” which apparently means - sexy and cool and excellent - after which he asks Betty to go steady with him. Betty has doubts but the motherfucker (I hate Kevin so much right now) bulldozes over her very justified objections by promising that “things will be really different this time.” He says what I think is a true thing - “I love you” - followed by a lie - “You make my heart feel full.” Dude. He’s pulling out all the stops, manipulating the fuck out of this girl who he knows is so horny which horniness he hates because Kevin Keller in this timeline isn’t just gay because he likes men- he’s gay because he hates women. He can’t even bring himself to touch a piece of clothing over a tit. Betty has to put the pin on herself.

Ethel didn’t show up to detention because she was selling her artwork to the publisher. Mr Fieldstone turns out to not hate women like Kevin Keller. He finds it difficult to believe that Ethel, whose skin looks so clear and milky, whose collar is so lacey and sweet, could draw art to his liking, but once assured that it’s real, gives her the standing-greeting and handshake respect gestures that he did not give Jughead Jones. He nicknames her Freckles, saying, “You have some real talent” and calling her work “putrid (admiring).” And Jughead Jones, bless him, seems surprised but not at all jealous. He’s just beaming at her.

The publisher, all smiles, calls Jughead Boy Wonder, to go with her Freckles nickname, and wants to know if they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Jug says they are “creative partners” to which she adds, “We are going to the Sock Hop together.”

Smithers has found Archie’s poem in the trash bin he was emptying and duly brought it up to her. Uhhh. So Smithers is going through Veronica’s trash every day!?! And I guess reporting on the contents to her parents?? Like, why is he examining the contents of the trashcans instead of just throwing them away?? In any case, I am unhappy because I think they’re going to read me Archie’s poem at some point.

Ethel is excited as she comes home to her terrifying parents. Her dad calls her a delinquent and they’re both immediately screaming at her. Ethel calls her mom a drunk and her dad ‘miserable all the time.’ She says she’s going to the Sock Hop, to which her mother hollers, OVER MY DEAD BODY. Oh, I’m so sorry for Ethel. Why can’t she have nice things? (I mean, because the actress is gifted and can shoulder big heavy burdens in the story, but still, it’s hell for the character.)

At the Sock Hop, which looks even weirder as a cultural activity now because it’s canon that the Cooper women wear super high heeled out door shoes to wash dishes, Clay approaches Kevin. He tells a terrified Kevin that he thinks Fangs is handsome, then adds that he thinks Kevin is handsome too. You know what Clay - Run! Run away! Kevin is a piece of shit! He asks for a private concert, and Kevin just looks like a deer in headlights.

Fangs, whom I hate since he undeservedly became Serpent King in S6, sings Tutti Fruitti. Everyone likes this song, because it’s a good song, but I genuinely hate this performance. I’m usually forgiving about the singing performances on Riverdale but this is unbearable. Toni asks Cheryl for a dance (Cheryl is absolutely correct that Fangs is most definitely not the next Chuck Berry. Midge is an utter airhead, given that she swoons at Fang’s horrible singing. Anyway, Toni takes to the dance-floor with Cheryl which for some reason their principal who is clearly fucking Dupont, I mean, Werther, is mad about.

They overburden the very limited vocal range of the Fangs actor by giving him Only You to sing. Overlaid over this horrendous singing is Archie’s poem which Veronica has memorized. She does a Sylvia Plath meets Ted Hughes thing of reciting a poem back at its poet. Except Archie (and uh, the Riverdale writers) are no Ted Hughes. The only thing that is getting me through it is the extremely wonderful pearls-of-many-sizes headband Veronica has on. It sets off her black hair perfectly. She asks him for a dance, but Archie after looking so thrilled, says no. And that’s because Veronica has been cockblocked by Archie’s mom.

When Archie leaves her behind, Veronica is rendered vulnerable to Julian Blossom oozing up to her. But she’s not the one with the shittiest end of the stick, actually because that honor goes to Betty, who looks so adoringly up at Kevin, who can’t bear to look at her, and seeks reassuring eye contact from Alice Cooper of all people. The evil principal - who has to be another woman hating gay man in this universe - comes to remind Cheryl that they live in a comp-het world. This breaks Cheryl’s heart, and I’m sure the sting is made even worse because Fangs is tunelessly crooning the beautiful song, Only You, in his horrendous butchered version.

In comes Ethel, blood smeared over her pretty pink outfit, blood competing with her sweet pale blue eyeshadow on her terrified face. Jughead runs to her as she collapses, and she tells him that something terrible has happened. I mean, Fangs is butchering a ballad, but yes, something even worse has apparently happened to my poor girl Ethel. Uh, also I didn’t know Jughead was packing that much cake behind so that’s another thing that’s been denied her. Ethel better not have the worst plot line after Betty this season! I swear to GOD.

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