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gutterflower-dreams · 6 years

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So I think I have Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder, but I can’t say for certain, because some of my circumstances are different from what I’ve read.

I pace to music pretty frequently; it started out with my sister doing it when we were little, and I kind of just copied her (because that’s what younger siblings do), until it became my own thing. I usually do it after watching a movie or show I really like/that I fantasize about, but I don’t have a playlist. It’s usually more of a “this character is singing this” or “this character is listening to this,” etc., but it’s always tied into the song I’m listening to. I usually can’t focus enough if it’s instrumental and without words.

I also have to have my room a certain way before I pace; it has to be clean, tidy, and can’t have distracting stuff nearby (paper on the ground, even specks of dirt, dresser drawers have to be closed, lights on...). I don’t pace outside of my room, unless I’m desperate. I don’t do it in public, either--I’m pretty sure people would notice.

So, I’m able to control it. Kinda. I can keep from being “triggered” by music and stuff, and can listen to music without daydreaming...but if I’m walking and listening to music, it’s usually not my typical daydream that I’d have in my room, so much as a “I’m-picturing-my-crush-or-favorite-character-watching-me” for whatever illogical reason I can come up with.

I have one main character that I use for all my scenarios. She changes a little bit depending on the fandom/show/movie I’m daydreaming about, but is mostly the same. She also fits whatever image I need (ie: A real person/celebrity for her as a real person, a cartoon character for cartoons, an anime character for anime, etc. I even insert her into fanfictions that I like). She’s got a dark and tortured past that’s really detailed and elaborate, and totally mary-sue.

But the thing is...I usually use my fantasies solely on a romantic level, and usually only with pre-existing worlds (tv shows and such). It’s rare that I myself am in my fantasy, and not my “other self” (character that I use for everything). I don’t have very high self-esteem, so it’s hard to picture myself in my daydreams (unless I look slightly different or something). So, I usually use my character and pair them in my head with whatever guy I’m falling hard for (very rarely a real person--usually it’s a character).

Additionally, my daydreams are always...unsatisfactory. I only ever get as far as like...where the show is? What season it’s gotten to? I try to not stray from canon as much as humanly possible in my fantasies. And! On top of that, the fantasies almost NEVER get to the actual point of my character actually being with the guy I like. It’s almost always me just picturing scenarios in which the canon guy character is watching my character, and seeing them with other guys and stuff, in situations where they might be jealous.

I think it’s because I’m too literal, and can’t think beyond what the author would have wanted their character to be like. Which is why I enjoy roleplaying sometimes, because then I can take my daydreams beyond just them...existing (except in roleplay, I have to play as a more reasonable character, unlike my totally-unrealistic-OP-mary-sue persona)? I can’t actually make my brain figure out what the canon male character would *do* if faced with my character, and never actually fantasize about them being together.

Is that weird? It frustrates me to think about it--always fantasizing about the canon character being present or overhearing something my main character says, or somehow seeing their memories or something from their past--but never actually being able to play as that character myself. It’s why fanfiction writing is also hard for me, because I feel like I could never actually write how the character would react under these circumstances.

So...it’s normally just me picturing my character in (insert whatever canon universe), maybe being in the presence of the guy canon character...but they rarely even so much as interact, or even speak to each other in my world. It’s more of them seeing something without my character knowing, or overhearing my character talking to another one of my characters that I’ve built.

I would LOVE to be able to fantasize about *actual* stuff happening, and my character getting romantic and sexual with the guy I like...but it just ends up weirding me out when I try, because it feels so...forced? Or like the guy is OOC? Again, that’s why I prefer roleplay, because I can play as my character and get the rp partner to play the guy.

So why are these daydreams so appealing to me, when I get basically nothing out of them and am left usually feeling kind of depressed? No clue.

I go through periods of depression from them, because I know in my heart that they will *never* be real, and that real life is kind of...disenchanting to me. In comparison, my daily life seems so dull and out of my control. So while my daydreams leave me feeling empty afterward, I still love them and use them.

I usually daydream before bed--that’s my most frequent time. Despite other people saying it keeps them up, it actually usually helps me sleep. I never get very far into them, and usually repeat a scene over and over again to death, and by the time I fall asleep, I haven’t gotten anywhere, and end up starting from the beginning the next night.

So, I can control when I daydream, but I still don’t *feel* like I have much control--if that makes any sense. I don’t hallucinate or actually appear physically in another world in my head, but I do drift off and indulge in them a lot, and look forward to being able to climb into bed and play them out in my head. I don’t daydream in public, half because I don’t want anyone to notice, and half because I just...can’t? I get distracted easily, and need a lot of focus for my daydreams.

I used to daydream A LOT as a kid, which I figured was normal, but looking back...it was constant. It’s a wonder I ever passed my classes, because I would zone out alllll the time. I mastered the art of looking at the teacher/looking like I was listening, but would be in my head. Except in school, it was usually me picturing characters or animals or something in the room with me, instead of playing out a fantasy dream in my head.

I also had imaginary friends, and pictured them often in class. I see a lot of people with this disorder saying they don’t have many friends, but that hasn’t been a problem for me (minus wanting people to leave so that I can go pace in my room to music, or take a nap and daydream). Otherwise, it’s not a big issue for me, minus the depression it often brings.

I also usually can’t read a book or watch a movie without inserting my own characters into the plot. Even with fanfictions, and reader-insert fanfictions, I have a strong need to put my own character in them. This is also probably why I don’t like the canon guy characters that I like to be gay or bisexual in fanfics and fan stuff, because it would then mean that my character wouldn’t work with them (and sure, I could *pretend* they were straight--but again, my brain doesn’t like it when I stray away from canon, so I can’t get myself to change the guy, even in my own damn daydream).

My daydreams tend to follow whatever show or fandom I’m currently obsessed with. And my characters are never something I think up on my own (their appearance, I mean). I always have to have some kind of “faceclaim” that I can picture in my head for my characters, and they have to fit whatever art style the show is, or age of the canon characters in live-action.

I rarely make up my own world--and when I do, it’s for the sake of a book I’m writing. But those aren’t as much fun, because I have to make my characters more realistic, I don’t have any structure to go by, and I don’t have a canon character I’m crushing on. So, I don’t do that a whole lot.

Does any of this sound familiar to you guys, or am I just the odd man out? And is this really maladaptive dreaming, if it’s almost all based on existing fictional worlds?

#maladaptive dreaming #maladaptive daydreaming #daydreaming #dreaming #maladaptive daydreaming disorder #madd #help

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vernitacracknell-blog · 7 years

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