#No hate on recreational horoscopes but as a philosophy? they suck

[gallusrostromegalus]

Why dies tousen hate horoscopes?

Scene: Ninth Division HQ, about 10 years after Turn Back The Pendulum and a few years into the regular publication of The Seireitei Bulletin, The Gotei-13's officially endorsed monthly periodical, produced by the 9th Division, of which one Captain Kaname Tousen is Editor-In-Chief: Tousen could feel the sizzling aura well before he ever set foot in the 9th divisions courtyard, and a good ten minutes before the loser of the hasty break room janken tournament coughed nervously at his office door.

"Yes, Hashimoto?" he sighed.

"The. Uh. The Captain-General is here to see you." Hashimoto stammered. "Actually he's right here in the hall if you want to-"

Yamamoto strolled up to the threshold of the door but did not quite step inside. There were rules, and even The Great Genryusai Yamamoto was beholden to them. "Captain Tousen." he spoke evenly.

"Sir." Kaname stood up and bowed as Hashimoto sprinted back down the hall. His footfalls did not entirely cover the sound of others slinking closer to eavesdrop. This was the 9th, and Kaname would be the first to admit he'd be a little disappointed if their meeting wasn't being carefully and discretely documented by several division members.

Now that he had been acknowledged, Yamamoto stepped in. "At ease." he nodded, and Tousen shifted positions a bit into an easier but no less cautious stance.

The Captain-General went to stand in front of the window beside Kaname's desk, looking down into the courtyard of the Ninth, or perhaps the extensive collection of Bird feeders a confused but earnest Ukitake had gifted Kaname over the years*. "...Captain Iba has been to see me."

Tousen winced. Third Division Captain Chikane Iba, mother of Young Tetsuzaemon and Astrology Fanatic, was Kaname Tousen's third-greatest personal nemesis, and that was only because he had not yet figured out how to Murder Aizen and Gin.

"She claims you were rather sharp with her when you turned down her proposal to include a Horoscope in The Bulletin." Yamamoto continued, watching an exceptionally round bird with dramatic black facial markings hop between feeders, sampling the wide variety of seeds available.

"The contents of the Seireitei Bulletin are not the concern of anyone except the Ninth save in terms of veracity, and to that end, there is not, and will never be, a Horoscope in The Bulletin." Tousen spoke as evenly as possible, but the acid in his voice dripped through.

"I am aware this is not actually my problem," Yamamoto nodded as the little bird settled on a feeder full of safflower seeds. "-But Captain Iba seems determined to make it my problem, so I am politely asking you to make it cease being a problem at all."

"As I said, the foremost requirement of any information or article in the bulletin is that it be, to the best of our ability, accurate and true. In that sense, no horoscope has ever managed to pass the first requirement of publication." Tousen stood up straighter. "I cannot help it if Captain Iba chooses to believe in patent nonsense, but I absolutely refuse to indulge her childish and cruel superstitions."

Yamamoto turned to look at Tousen. "Cruel?"

"A horoscope is, fundamentally, a means of arbitrarily grouping people into various stereotypes based on the accident of their birth. Several of the stereotypes are as cruel as they are inaccurate. For instance, everyone born in from late August through September is a quarrelsome slut, according to her favorite theory of divination."

"...That doesn't sound like Sajin at all." Yamamoto muttered.

"Putting the fraudulent pseudoscience and outright fabrication of all the Zodiac's so-called facts to the side for a moment- It encourages prejudice in a very literal sense. Deciding whether you will be worshipful of or nemeses with someone based entirely on a date, and not one hint of their actual conduct!" Kaname waved his hands evocatively, trying to avoid raising his voice in from of his commander. "Furthermore, predestination is a callous philosophy- to say that our fate is written in the stars is as good as saying that any unfortunate circumstance someone may be born with is 'just how things are' and encourages an apathetic neglect of one's fellow man- if this is destiny, why bother trying to improve things? Worse still- if the stars dictate that someone be born with some misfortune, it is implied also that they *deserved* this misfortune somehow, and heaps the further misfortunes of guilt and being perceived as wicked onto people who were already suffering!"

"...You can tell why I cannot give even the barest hint of endorsement to this kind of thinking." Tousen sighed, gesturing to his face.

"Hm." Yamamoto nodded, watching the birds for a moment. "Your point is well-taken, but this still leaves Captain Iba and her cohort to be dealt with."

"I can lead a horse to water sir, but I cannot make her think." Tousen shrugged.

Yamamoto snorted with amusement. "She did say you compared Astrology rather unfavorably to livestock waste. What was it, Stupider than..?"

"I believe my exact words were that if one were to channel the entire farm animal waste of the rukongai for 100 years into a single location, one would still not have a pile of shit as spectacular as this stupider-than-sheep-smegma attempt at prognostication. Sir." Kaname mumbled.

"...Your former career as a Librarian really enhances the quality of your work." Yamamoto nodded, turning from the window and stepping closer to Kaname, head bowed conspiratorially. "Would you like some advice?"

"Sir?" Kaname tilted his head to point an ear at the old man.

"Understand that you shouldn't follow this advice too often, but I feel like it might help in this situation." Yamamoto cautioned.

Kaname nodded, curious.

"If you do something badly enough the first time, you will not be asked to do it a second time." Yamamoto explained with an audible grin in his voice.

Kaname blinked a few times, processing that, then broke out in a small, hopeful smile of his own.

"You understand. Good man." Yamamoto nodded, affectionately clapping Tousen on the shoulder.

"Thank you, Sir." Kaname grinned. "If you can remind me, When is Captain Iba's Birthday again?"

"September Fourtheenth." Yamamoto replied with a speed that indicated he'd looked up and been waiting to tell Tousen that date all morning. "As you were then, Captain Tousen."

"Thank you, Sir." Kaname bowed.

"I look forward to your next publication with great anticipation!" Yamamoto cheerfully called over his shoulder as he turned to leave, chucking quietly at the sound of manic typing already emanating from Tousen's office.

---

*Upon Tousen's extremely unfortunate promotion to Captain, an entirely good-natured and generous Ukitake had asked Tousen if he had any hobbies, with the intent of trying to get the poor thing's mind off The Tragedy, and scoping out an appropriate end-of-year gift for his new colleague.

Unfortunately, Kaname had been in a foul mood on account of the horror show his life had become, and had sarcastically replied "Bird-watching."

"Oh of course!" Ukitake had replied without missing a beat "-You ryouken is so sensitive you can probably pick a thrush out of a thicket a mile off, and you must be excellent at identifying bird calls!" And then proceeded to gift Kaname varying types of bird feeders, baths and houses until the small porch outside Tousen's office had become a stronghold of the Audubon Society.

Kaname did have to admit, Ukitake was right- with a little practice he *had* gotten quite good at using his spiritual sense to identify the hundreds of birds that passed through the Ninth, and the Birdsong both a comforting blanket of white noise and early warning of Gin's approach were it to suddenly cease.

#AEIWAM #An Elephant Is Warm And Mushy #Bleach #Bleach Fanfic #kaname tosen #genryusai shigekuni yamamoto #No hate on recreational horoscopes but as a philosophy? they suck #There will be a Part 2 to this at some point #long post