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raethethey · 11 months

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hey its me. rae. im fine. im just having a breakdown rn and uhh idk how to deal with that really. like in a healthier way. whenever i was little and had an overwhelming experience or a day filled with anxiety i would shut down and escape to my room and turn on music and hug my blankie. but like thats not really dealing with the issue yk, its ignoring it until i forget abt it and then it happens again sometime later. i get stressed over the little things and they pile up. but idk when the mountain ever topples bc i pile it up behind me if that makes sense. just throwing it over my shoulder yk.

read at your own risk. i delve deep into traumas.

i grew up in a sheltered house, lower middle class, religion available to me. i didnt show up to school and have teachers pull me aside and ask me questions abt my parents and home life. but i did have issues. i apparently had a mother who occasionally abused alcohol (i guess i blocked this out and thought she was just smiley a lot) i had a father who decided a belt was more efficient than his hand when disciplining us, soap mouth washing was normal, holding his hand over my sisters mouth so the neighbors wouldnt hear her absolute monster of a meltdown screams (she could scream/ i was sitting on my bed watching this and covering my ears as best i could) yes he let her breathe but she was 7(?) she would just take a breath to scream again. i witnessed holes in the wall but never a bruise on my mother or father. (thats when cps was called) (thats when i realised i would become a statistic kid someday). i witnessed so many tears and yelling and walking out the front door (or even getting out of the car on a highway exit in the middle of a state we didnt live in to get away from him) i witnessed my mother connect with the ladies at church who didnt wear big hoop earrings or high heels or gaudy make up bc they grew up with 'bigger' struggles. (divorced parents, trailer homes, smoking, a sister who got pregnant at 14). i witnessed my dad struggle with someone who wasnt a good match for him but he was religious, death should happen before divorce. he would plead and beg and that sound when his voice cracked haunts me to this day. on the 28th of december when they gathered us to tell us they were divorcing i stood up, said, "i knew it." and went to my room until i had to pee or eat or go to school i dont remember. i lived between 2 separate houses until i turned 18 always lugging my sister around after she came back from boarding school for 2 years. i chose to live with my dad bc he was more financially and mentally stable. do i regret that? almost everyday. would i go back and change my choice? no.

im attending college rn with almost nothing in my bank account and no more help from dad. im scared bc im not smart, i believe i have learning issues bc not every teacher teaches the same and its been a constant guessing game as to whether ill pass or not based on them. i can apply myself when i get interested but if you lecture us like youre talking like a middle schooler abt the weather in an awkward convo with your crush, what the hell am i supposed to get excited abt?

how am i supposed to live in a home that expects more than i think i can give just because im an adult? with a man who doesnt understand social anxiety or burn out or depression bc he has the lord and faith and hope and he doesnt need to worry abt whats next. how am i supposed to recover from a night of not sleeping and watching youtube videos to drown out the thoughts (sometimes suicidal) and then be expected to get up at 8am and go apply to 7 jobs and grocery shop for your ass and clean the house and not take a nap that turns into 15hours of dead sleep at noon bc im adult and thats just what adults do.

no thats society. thats society fucking everything up for ill minds and those with disabilities and disorders and chronic sickness. society tells me i need to move out at 18 (when your brain only finishes developing at 27 ish). society tells me i need to figure out my life when im not even a 1/10th thru it. to get a degree at 22 a job at 23 bc youve interned somewhere for 2 years already and have that job for 50ish years, a spouse a house and kids at some point during that time and still be financially okay and be able to pay off student loans and hospital bills and mortgage and whatever else. society says fuck you all the fucking time and i cant fucking stand it.

im not ready to be 23. im not knowledgeable on how life works bc i was sheltered. we were poor we couldnt look stuff up willy nilly, if i did i was terrified i wasnt allowed to bc god is always watching, youll go to hell. i know nothing abt sex ed bc our teacher wasnt even fully certified. i know nothing abt taxes or bills bc we didnt have a finance class available. i know nothing abt dating bc no boys until youre 30. i know nothing.

when my parents split and i lived with my mom every other week, i searched everything under the sky in my room at night bc i was scared. i was scared my dad might find out that i thought [sally] was cuter than [sam]. that i was jealous of [jasons] body and the way it was shaped. that i liked the way [marys] voice sound bc she was cool on tv (she smoked) the way [johns] voice sounded bc it was lower. i read fanfiction as soon as i knew what it was. when i gravitated toward more mlm fics i was scared of those new apps coming out that let a parent see what their kid was doing.

when i graduated high school and didnt know what to do with myself for two years, i drowned myself in fanfiction and fantasies. when i was given an ultimatum of moving out or going to school and/or working i chose school bc by then i had found kpop. i fell in love with something for the first time in a while since fanfiction. i like the new language i hadnt really ever heard before other than psy's song that rocked the world. i realised ive always loved languages why not teach mine? thats popular. so i chose school, i dragged myself through months of mental torture and physical stress torture and im still doing it bc one day ill live a dream that was forced upon me bc i know im not ready for the world. and bc i chose school i met some of the greatest ppl. ppl who accept me for who i truly am bc that summer wasnt just abt kpop it was abt realising i was not a girl. i wasnt a boy either but goddamn idk what i am. so not only did i read abt gay men but i read abt gay anything. researching wtf was going on in my head. what exactly do i feel like, who am i attracted to, what do i want in life in a partner if i ever get one

and through all this in the back of my head im still thinking im not good enough for my dad bc he believes that even just who i am is a sin, im not good enough for mom bc i chose dad, im not good enough for myself bc im lazy and incapable of doing normal things and a wimp and a loser. im not good enough. i dont deserve this. i shouldve been kicked out years ago. thats how you know if youll make it (i wouldntve). theres smth wrong with me and my brain. the doctor said i had depression and gave me pills i didnt want bc pills make it real. there really is smth wrong with me. thats why they dont love me, they dont think im good enough. i havent been to a doctor in 6 years (1 covid hit so i just couldnt 2 i cant make the fucking phone call on my own) i know i have anxiety and worse depression. i think i have other stuff bc like i mentioned when i think theres smth wrong with me i research the fuck out of it.

cant even keep a best friend. the one in elementary moved, elementary-middle i moved schools, middle-high school stopped talking to me out of the blue, my church friend from elementary is still my best friend and has many the same views abt religion aa i do now and accepts me and loves me for who i am, but shes getting married this year. still have my college bestie but its only been 2 years. i hate myself for thinking 'wait until its been 7, he'll hate you then, but hes too nice to drop you to your face he'll just ghost you like the last one did'

cant commit to a partner either. first one was a mess, he had anger issues. second didnt respect the law. third one was 3yrs older and ready for marriage. 4th was going to the navy in a month. 5th (first girl) was in israel. i was the one who ended them all. my current partner is literally amazing and im scared the day they realise i literally cannot commit. we will dance around commitment forever until you get bored and realise i was just there bc i want to try but deep down know i cant and wont succeed. im scared the day they leave bc they think im playing with them and i unintentionally break their heart. im scared bc i know that will never happen, ill leave them before they can bc i dont want to string them along bc i cant commit.

well ive "journaled" for like and hour now and i need to pee. so thanks for reading if you did. im sorry if you were triggered. i dont want responses. i just needed to get this out.

#rae rambles #tldr: im sad #tw: depression #tw: mental health #tw: long post #tw: sucidal thoughts #tw: religious trauma #tw: alcholism #tw: anxiety #tw: depressive thoughts #tw: gender dysphoria #tw: medication #tw: negative thoughts #tw: vent #delete

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peterparkers-sparkles · 4 years

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long nights apart

Here! Take some long distance!Winterspider.

Featuring : They met during Bucky's summer in NYC, but now he’s back in California and Peter is BIG SAD about it.

___________________

It was the third time this week that peter saw his boyfriends face through the screen of his shitty iPhone 6. The video was a little laggy at this point, but Peter was just happy to see a glimpse of James through the glass screen. He had the phone balanced against a few books in order to continue scribbling on the lined paper in front of him, coping down the notes from the lecture, while listening to his older boyfriend ramble on about his day.

James was a good few years older than him, being 27 while Peter was 22, still in his masters program at Empire State University to gain his biochemistry degree. After he was done with his masters program, he was going to transfer to USC next semester in order to stay closer to Bucky, but if they ended up not working out, it was still something he wanted to do, see the world a little bit.

“--eter?” He heard the back end of his boyfriends rambling, before he peeked up, giving his lover an apologetic smile. Bucky just let out a little laugh as a response to Peter's space-cadet state of mind, which wasn’t unusual. “I was saying, how are your classes going? You should probably take a break, love.” he said and nods firmly. “Are Tony and Bruce in? You could go out with them for a little bit, just to have a little fun!” Bucky was always suggesting things like that, because apparently Peter was a hermit when his boyfriend wasn’t around.

Peter found himself snorting at his boyfriends antics, because it wasn’t like this didn’t do this every time they spoke on the phone this late (it was not even that late, maybe 6:30 in the afternoon). “My classes are going well, you know me. I’m just a worker bee, Buck, always getting things done.” Peter said as he sat his pen back down on the desk, before getting up and moving to lay on his bed, sighing softly. “Here, I’m taking a break, love. Tony and Bruce went out for drinks with Natasha and Rhodey.. They asked if I wanted to come, but I thoughtfully declined. You know that drinking isn't my thing, especially after Tony gets absolutely hammered and I have to drag him back home afterwards. I would much rather be cuddled right now by my boyfriend, who is all the way across the country.” Peter said that last statement with a small pout, making his best puppy dog eyes at the camera. “I can’t wait to see you again in a few weeks. You haven't done anything completely crazy, have you? No tattoos or things of the sorts I should know of?” Peter said with a small, teasing smile.

The older of the two barked out a small laugh, knowing exactly how Peter was with these kinda things. Peter didn’t go out much, unless it was for food or class or his friends forced him out of his hidey hole.. Ironically, that was how the two met, the one time that Peters roommates, Tony Stark and Bruce Banner (both biochem majors like peter), decided to drag Peter clubbing with them.

Bucky had found Peter sitting at the bar, drinking not an alcoholic beverage, but chocolate milk. His curly brown locks looked blue under the neon lights of whatever club they were in, poor kid looked miserable. James was also clubbing with his friends, Sam and Steve, but they were both currently on the dance floor making absolute fools out of themselves, since James volunteered to be DD that night. The group had decided spontaneously spend the summer in NYC, since this is where both Bucky and Steve grew up, but they had both moved to California after high school ended. At the bar, the two of them spoke for a bit, and Peter got comfortable enough with Bucky to give the other his number. They exchanged texts and had decided to meet up again, but in a slightly more controlled environment, so they went out for Mediterranian in Manhattan. And that was sort of how their relationship took off. Peter asked Bucky to be his official boyfriend on the fourth of July, while they were sitting on the roof of Peters apartment complex, watching the fireworks go off over the Hudson River. That was when they shared their first kiss, no matter how cheesy it might be.

Bucky had left two month later, in early September. He had walked peter to his first class of the semester, caught the train to Newark International Airport, and took a plane from there to California again.

And now they were in early January. Freshly fallen snow coated the ground in New York, and the still warm sun beating down on Bucky's side of the country.. Well.. Peter assumed he was still there.

“Nope.. No new tattoos, but I do plan on getting your name printed on my ass.” Bucky jokes and smiled as he moved, he looked like he was walking up a flight of stairs from peters angle, but the setting looked different from the steps that he had at his own home.

“Hey, Buck? Where are you right now?” Peter asks curiously and cocked his head to the side, before he suddenly heard a small knock at the door, and the call with his boyfriend ended. “You did not..” Peter mumbled to himself and opened the door back up, revealing none other than his boyfriend, in a semi-heavy winter coat and simple jeans with his boats, and a larger suitcase.

“Hey there, dollface.” James said and smirks softly, reaching down to lift Peter up in his muscular arms.

Peter could not believe what he was seeing, but he quickly wrapped his arms around the other, leaning into his touch more now. “You did not come all this way just to see me..” he said and moved to rake his fingers through the others hair, smiling happily. “I was literally coming to California for my spring break!” Peter said and cupped the others face in his hands, giving him a small, playful, smirk.

“Yep, Im staying with my ma until your spring break, and then we're gonna fly back to Cali, together this time.” he smiled and kissed peter right on his forehead, humming softly to himself. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

#winterspider #bucky/peter #peter/bucky #bucky barnes/peter parker #long distance relationship #mostly fluff #honestly ill write another part if yall want it #mentions of tony stark #mentions of bruce banner #mentions of buckys family #peter is a biochemistry major #buckys job is unspecified #i wrote this at school

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mastersblog2019 · 5 years

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logs from 13/6/2019 to 05/08/2019

the link for the “blog logs” exspired so im going to post the text under the read more of this post

13/06/2019 –

Worked on reviewing my summer work form after feedback and sent that for review. I will be concentrating on developing my practice-based research report. Right now I am trying to figure out how to structure and write the report. I don’t know if I should try and make a flowing narrative of research or work areas to give overviews to topics I have been looking into. It’s hard as I have looked into a range of different things to do with narrative.

Topics I have been researching include:

Theory on narrative structure.

Narratives that share similar tropes to my story ideas and stories that inspired themes

Comic theory and how comics can affect the medium and the narrative.

However the report paper asks for a narrative on what leads to where and how I got here.

So I think the best way to structure this is to try and start from the summer project and build from there.

I could structure the report like this:

Research - this includes talks, books on narrative and comics.

Idea development - this includes ideas, books with tropes that inspired me, and how my story has developed with themes.

Making – this would include story structure, discussing some videos I watched and how ideas have been presented and the reason why. I can also talk about the process of developing character, and the shorter story of the Grand Guardian.

With all these parts I must show reflection and thought on the work I have been doing, and consider if I started from the beginning again what would I change? This is kind of hard but hopefully I will be able to produce something soon.

17.06.2019

I am working on trying to structure the written report more. I am finding writing the main points / parts of my project really helps with planning it. I am finding it difficult to put my thoughts into words . Also earlier I have sketched a few lose drawings of the lost child for the narrative, I really like the concept of her face being hidden is the dark, as it helps make her character look scary and intimidating. I think trying to imagine her voice and describe it is hard due to the fact she acts as both a villain in the story but also she’s meant to be sympathetic.

19/06/2019

Today I went to lectures and there were a few different points on how to write the reports although most of the questions where targeted towards the full timers and second years the information that was brought up was useful, like what the relevance is and how to reference and other points that I have written down.

After this talk I thought I should have a look at my older references so I could write about them refreshed with new ideas. One of the videos I watched and had included is “Outsiders: How To Adapt H.P. Lovecraft In the 21st Century” which can be found on YouTube by “hbomerguy” where within the video he talks about his thoughts and feelings on a range of different media that has connections to hp Lovecraft. Looking back I can see the influences this video has had on my work, for my antagonist of the story feels this isolation due to a small part of their personhood that has be criticized or maybe how she feels about herself. I was also very interested in the idea of gods and things larger than our self. I guess in the case of my concepts of gods they do care and are very human.

At this stage I was very interested in drawing monsters. I was trying to do a ink October with a prompt sheet to mix together different creatures for each day. Which I think helped influence my ideas of gods and monsters.

Other videos I viewed to get a wider range of ideas on HP Lovecraft:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArymZyXFzb4 - The Call of Cthulhu | P. 1 | Audiobook

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmdzptbykzI - Halloween Special: H. P. Lovecraft

24/06/2019

I know I should be looking back at some my older references so that I have a copy of my thoughts for my blog and essay but I have been thinking about my own personal interest in animation and the movies that I grew up with. These include videos Pixar videos below-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y34eshkxE5o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTPKGVrFtQU

I think having grown up with such a solid selection of animated movies really increased my love for the animated art form and motivated me to get into illustration and create my own stories.

25/06/19

Ok so today I’m going to try and gather all my research points and write them down in order so they make sense and have some structure.

Most of my research came from books, YouTube videos, objects I own and narratives that interest me.

At one stage I was very interested in viewing videos from a you tuber called, “Fredrik Knudsen”, who has created a series of videos called, “Down the rabbit hole”. He discusses different obscure and strange topics that have appeared online and in other places.

Some of the videos that interested me when I started this project where:

Vaporwave — Down the Rabbit Hole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_T1nkER3vA

Anime and Otaku [Part 1/2] | Down the Rabbit Hole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZsFQPdU2dw

Anime and Otaku [Part 2/2] | Down the Rabbit Hole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brF1zVXG5_0

He also reads the beginning of a Lovecraft story in one his videos which links into other parts of my research.

One of the themes was Vaporwave. Vaporwave is a music genre that has been made in the last decade. I found the visuals and the sounds of this sub-genre interesting. I think the first time I discovered this music and visuals was online with a game called, “Oxenfree” where you play as a girl with a radio who is trying to find out the mystery of the island and save her friends. The music in this game struck me as interesting, with the long radio like noises that slots into the slow drawn out melodies. The music in the game was not the soft nostalgic sounds that the subgenre is known for. The sound track of Oxenfree is more unsettling supporting the game’s themes and story of looping and ghosts.

I also have a set of tarot cards that the images are inspired by Vaporwave which I will talk about more later on.

Anyway I was interested in the genre and I wanted to know more about it so I viewed this video mentioned before “Vaporwave — Down the Rabbit Hole”.

This video gives a solid background on this online genre, talking about themes and artists involved.

The video describes vaporwave as a music genre that is both digital, real and fantasy. Vaporwave music gives the feeling of going out shopping and having a good time with mates in a perfect dream world, which may not be truly real. This gives the sense of content and yet unease as if you have a choice between accepting this warped reality or questioning it.

A quote from the video discussing one of the formative albums of Vaporwave is, “If you do all these things you will understand what far side is about because people kind of live in it all ready” (https://youtu.be/w_T1nkER3vA?t=353 )

One of my favourite albums is ,“Macintosh Plus - Floral Shoppe” and the song that struck me the most is “ リサフランク420 / 現代のコンピz”I love the sense of falling this particular song gives me. Link to it can be found here:

https://youtu.be/cCq0P509UL4?t=204

This is also the song that is talked about within the video.

26/06/2019

Still thinking about ,“Down the rabbit hole”, videos today. However instead of Vaporwave I’m writing about animation. This research included older animation, like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and other characters. It started with looking at some books in the library and the images within. I found the simple but flowing line art of the images interesting. It is odd seeing these well know characters in animation as usually they are now used an icon to make a large company seem friendly. It is really interesting how these characters have changed over the years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5yLBt2EfLc - Evolution of MICKEY MOUSE Over 90 Years (1928-2018) Explained

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8XHLakfV5U - The Early Animated Films

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPW70q4w5pw - The Mad Doctor - Mickey Mouse (1933)

As well as this I was interested in older animation and comics form Japan like Astro boy and other stories. Although I was more interested in the visuals at the time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6tkNCMhUhY - History Of - Astro Boy

I found this video essay called ,“Anime and Otaku [Part 1/2] | Down the Rabbit Hole”,which discusses the connection between American and Japanese animation. I thought this was really interesting.

Anime and Otaku [Part 1/2] | Down the Rabbit Hole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZsFQPdU2dw

Anime and Otaku [Part 2/2] | Down the Rabbit Hole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brF1zVXG5_0

American animation initially inspired and helped Japanese animation grow. I also think it is very interesting how Japanese animation is now influencing American animation and fans. Ghibli studios being a well know company for making animated films across western culture.

27/06/2019

I would like to consider the tarot cards I mentioned earlier and their influence on my work. The set I have are images inspired by Vaporwave which helped prompt my researching into that music sub-genre , but that’s not what I’m writing about at the moment.

The reason why I decided to research tarot cards is because the idea of being able to predict the future using cards interested me. Tarot cards have been used in narratives as a symbol for coming events to the point of cliché, but I still personally think they are an interesting tool for narrative.

Most cards have multiple meaning that can be seen as a good or bad thing depending on if the card is upright on upside down. I think this is a really unique idea which can be used within an narrative setting.

I say this because when you have too much of something or too little it can be a bad balance, which can have negative effects. Most of the time you need to have a good balance of the two to be able to move forward in a positive manner.

For example the devil card has two meanings upright it means:

Excess, materialism and playfulness

And reversed:

Freedom, release, restoring control

The main theme of the devil is addiction and control, and trying to find a balance between the two. For example you can enjoy doing something and that’s a good thing but taking something too far or taking too much can be harmful.

If someone who was doing a reading got this card they might offer advice on how to deal with feeling trapped or help find a way to regain control of their life.

For a while I was thinking about this because there is a balanced meaning of these cards for example what if I used the meaning of the cards to build narratives and characters.

So using the cards as prompts for narratives.

29/06/2019

Today I am going to try and start writing the written report. I have not looked at all of my research yet but next week we have talks on the written report. Writing and research takes me time and effort.

Books that inspired me:

Into the woods by John Yorke

Nimona by Noelle Stevenson

The girl from the other side by Siuil, a run.

Understanding comics by Scott Mccloud

Comet in Moominland by Tove Gansson

TV show:

Hilda