#I'm still in the denial phase because I'm not sure I'd be able to live otherwise

[luciana-silentstar]

Finally got her tack set crafted. She's based on my heart horse who I had to let go right before Christmas last year. I had her for 15 years, longer than I haven't. I got her SSO self before she passed, and I'm glad I did or else I don't know if I'd be able to have her at all. She looks and acts so much like her. The mannerisms and everything. She was very bright and deer-like. I miss her so much.

#never getting over this one lads. #I'm still in the denial phase because I'm not sure I'd be able to live otherwise #I'm okay btw. just like... yeah lol. I'm supposed to accept the fact she's gone and somehow just be okay with that. #anyway #Chocolate Dream

[veliseraptor]

For the ILCBLT AU, AU where after 10 plus years of domestic bliss XXC dies. Not suicide or murder, could be a lightning strike if you want.

I knew I'd kind of written something for this in the past but it took me forever to find it - I did eventually though! although that's specifically about if both Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan die, which is different.

I can say that it would absolutely wreck both Xue Yang and Song Lan, and a-Qing, but in this case with the 10 years of background they wouldn't fall apart relationship-wise and I think would be more able to lean on each other.

the main issue here is going to be that Xue Yang's inclination, immediately, is "okay, this is a resolvable problem, we just bring him back from the dead" which is not going to fly with Song Lan very well, except for the part of him that is like BUT WHAT IF but also...he knows that's not what Xiao Xingchen would want, he knows it's an abomination against nature that would be imprisoning Xiao Xingchen's soul never to reincarnate, he knows it's the wrong thing to do.

and yet with Xue Yang pressuring him, stalled on the "denial" stage of grief, it is very difficult to hold steady, because Song Lan is human: he wants Xiao Xingchen back, he wants him with them, but it just. He just. How can he conscience such a thing?

Xue Yang, as I said, is totally stuck in denial. He's just not going to accept it! He was always going to die first of the three of them, obviously, his daoshi are going to cultivate to immortality and he won't and that's fine, he can live with it and just enjoy what he has while it lasts. only then Xiao Xingchen goes and dies (probably night hunting accident), how can he just do that, that's not allowed, and Song Lan won't let him fix it because Song Lan thinks it's "wrong" or whatever even though Xue Yang can see he obviously misses Xiao Xingchen too--

there are definitely hurtful words thrown around. Xue Yang almost certainly brings up how Song Lan "abandoned" Xiao Xingchen before and that would set off Song Lan's temper and probably the worst fight they've had in a long time. I don't think Xue Yang would do anything hideous about it - long habit, if nothing else, and he would be clinging to Song Lan as a tether enough to keep him from lashing out physically. but it would be pretty vicious and might lead to Xue Yang taking off (Song Lan's favorite habit of his, and in this case even more terrifying than usual, because Xue Yang isn't the only one clinging a little)

a-Qing has forged a life for herself, for what it's worth, but Xiao Xingchen is still her first friend, her older brother, the person who as good as saved her life and gave her a home, and she is very, very close to siding with Xue Yang on the whole resurrection thing and just barely holding back from it because she, too, recognizes it's not what Xiao Xingchen would want, and she has more respect for that than Xue Yang does.

Xue Yang sometimes thinks that Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan just are tragically misguided about things and don't quite understand stuff and therefore he has to step in and do it for them. sometimes he is right about this (with Xiao Xingchen and money, for instance); sometimes he is decidedly not right about this.

if/when Xue Yang eventually does have to move past the denial phase - if he doesn't sidestep Song Lan and just resurrect Xiao Xingchen anyways, though I'm pretty sure Song Lan would be fairly vigilant to keep that from happening - it's going to be a pretty ugly thing, because Xue Yang does not know how to cope with grief at all. Like most of his feelings, it's big and violent and also unfamiliar. that makes it very scary and overwhelming and uncontrollable.

so now Song Lan (and a-Qing) are trying to handle that while also handling their own grief, which is fun for everybody.

Xue Yang would definitely prefer the murder. then at least he has someone he can blame, and revenge to fall back on.

and incidentally I do think in that scenario there wouldn't be any stopping him from taking revenge, even if Song Lan were to try. and in honesty I'm not sure how hard he would try, depending on the circumstances.

#conversating #anonymous #five headcanons meme #late but not too late! #if living can be this #aggressively headcanons #songxuexiao #song lan #xue yang #xiao xingchen #the sad queer cultivators show