#I'm fighting irrational fears of mum hurting or poisoning my cats

[hussyknee]

I've been having a severe PTSD episode for over five hours and it never registered because spending half the day in helpless fits of obsessive, murderous, paralysing rage is the nothing out of the ordinary for me. "Oh, I'm just an angry person like that" yes because I'm constantly triggered, retriggered and retraumatized by living disabled and dependent on Satan, who happens to be my egg donor.

It doesn't seem like I'll ever really internalise that these rages are PTSD episodes, especially since I'm a woman and therefore socially conditioned not to harm anyone except myself (that's a privilege reserved for six foot cis het men in charge of families who do the traumatizing). But in case it does anyone else good to hear: you aren't an "angry person". You have Complex PTSD. The rage outs are the exact equivalent of panic attacks and disassociation that Hollywood likes to show. The need to FIGHT is as a visceral, animal, instinctive and uncontrollable as the need for flight, to fawn, or to freeze. You aren't angry. You're fucking terrified and trapped and very, very ill.

#it's really apparent rn because instead of my usual suicidal ideation at this point #I'm fighting irrational fears of mum hurting or poisoning my cats #to be clear: altho i no longer put anything past her #it's the thought of the woman getting off her ass enough to arrange a poisoning or feeding an animal of her own bat is whats laughable here #also whatever she does it can't be something that would make her face up to the fact that she's foul #poison is too merciful and straightforward. she prefers criminal neglect and emotional vampirism #you wouldn't think a disabled old woman living downstairs could possibly be this much of a festering black rot on so many people's existenc #when she dies they're going to promote her to a head torturer on arrival #abuse #complex ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder #anger issues #gaslighting #emotional abuse #child abuse #parental abuse #actually cptsd #knee of huss