#I’m being quite self indulgent tonight soz

[smilingformoney]

Incorrect Snape quotes (Soul of Ice edition) pt2

Some of these are also just general incorrect Snape quotes lol

Abbie: As my father Professor Snape once said… Abbie: Get fucked. Snape: I have never once said that, Abbie.

Snape: I have to kill her. Lucius: Who? Snape, looking at Sephy: I don’t know how to flirt with her so she has to die.

Sephy: I’m going to become a false false prophet. My powers are real, I just lie for fun.

Snape: I swing both ways. Snape: Violently. Snape: With a crowbar. Snape: Come get some, motherfuckers.

Sephy: I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you! Snape: And I’m trying to subtly avoid it!

Snape: Abbie is washing the dishes and I just heard her say "Who do you work for? Who is your contact?" while repeatedly pushing a glass under water. Sephy: At least she’s having fun.

Abbie, to Hermione, lying facedown on the bed, regretting everything: And then I called him Dad! Snape, to Sephy, on the verge of tears: And then she called me Dad!

Snape: Sephy looks great today. Snape: I haven’t seen her yet, but I know she looks incredible.

Snape: This is giving me good PTSD. Sephy: …Do you mean nostalgia?

Snape: I forget but I don’t forgive. Snape: I’m wandering around hating people and can’t remember why.

Lucius: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate or malewife our way out of it this time. Snape: [cracking his knuckles] Manslaughter it is.

Snape: You often use humour to deflect trauma. Abbie: Thank you. Snape: That’s not a good thing. Abbie: What I’m hearing is you think I’m funny.

Sephy: Sev is so dumb. I can’t believe I’m gonna fuck him. Jamie: You don’t have to. Sephy: Nah, I’m gonna.

Snape, to the class: Alright, listen up, you little shits! Snape: Not you, Abbie. You’re an angel and I’m glad to have you here.

Abbie, after teaching Snape how to text: Dad, you don’t have to sign your name on texts!! Snape: Dear Abbie, Suggestion noted. Sincerely, Severus Snape.

Snape: I like my coffee bitter, like my soul. Sephy: He’s lying, he likes a cinnamon latte because it reminds him of Christmas.

Snape: I accidentally indulged in too much “me time.” Snape: Turns out, I've been reported missing for six months and presumed dead by most local and national authorities.

Draco: Romeo and Juliet is a love story, right? Snape: Romeo and Juliet is NOT a love story. It is a tragedy about how young love is stupid and short-sighted. Sephy: Romeo and Juliet is indeed a tragedy, but the love between the two stars is not stupid or short-sighted. It is genuine and beautiful. The tragedy comes from the fact that the rivalry between the Capulets and the Montagues destabilizes their community and kills two innocent kids who loved each other. Abbie: Mercutio is gay.

Snape: I put a little note in your bag to tell you that I love you. Abbie: This is a ten-page letter.

Abbie: I want someone to look at me and hope I’m a lesbian.

Snape: Can you keep a secret? Sephy: Do you know anything about my life? Snape: No I do not. Good point.

Snape: Don’t kill me! I have a daughter! Murderer: You think I care about that? Snape: No, this isn’t a plea for mercy. It’s a warning. Murderer: Wha - Abbie, kicking down the door: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING DIE?!

Draco: [having a breakdown] Snape: I never thought I’d have to say this, but there is only space in this cult for ONE unstable Death Eater, and I’ve held that title for a very long time so you’re going to have to get it together.

Snape: I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. Black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers. Sephy: Sev, for the last time, we’re at a funeral.

Abbie: Hey Dad, I finished my potion. Snape: Miss Payne, when in class you will call me Professor. Abbie: Right, sorry. Professor Dad, I finished my potion.

Snape: I am back. Harry: I literally watched you die. You died. You were dead. Snape: Death is a social construct.

Abbie: I can explain. Snape: Oh? Can you? Abbie: If you give me 30 seconds to think of a lie.

Snape: Despite my cold dead heart and your just-okay personality, I’ve grown to… have some affection for you.

Sephy: You’re running away from your feelings. Snape: Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings.

Snape: Abbie, I must say, I’m very disappointed. Abbie: Well, you didn’t have to say it. You could have just thought it.

Snape: I have to get something off my chest. Sephy: Is it your shirt? I hope it’s your shirt.

Sephy: For this mission, I wore the perfect disguise to make sure I went unnoticed. Something so drab and uninspired — Snape: I feel like this is going to be a jab at me. Sephy: — I wore Severus’ clothes. Snape: There it is.

Snape: You’re the love of my life, I would do anything for you. Sephy: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a regular sleep schedule. Snape: Absolutely not.

Snape: When I die, donate my entire body to science. Snape: Except my middle finger. Send that to Potter.

Abbie, to Snape: You think that disapproving glare works on me after all the times I've seen it?

Abbie: I don't think my father, the inventor of Lurking Ominously, would be too pleased with this.

Snape:  “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” or “fools”, on the other hand, are inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, and dramatic.

Sephy: Don’t be bitter, be better. Snape: I can multitask.

Snape: Will you stop this foolishness?! Abbie: What kind of foolishness would you like to see?

#severus snape #pro snape #snapedom #hp shitpost #incorrect quotes #soul of ice #I’m being quite self indulgent tonight soz