#I’m also out here in the shadow of the valley that is ‘surgeon won’t schedule surgery until BMI is reduced’

[explode-this]

Time for everyone’s favorite game show, Are The ADHD Drugs Still Working Or Am I Just Especially Depressed?, which may or may not feature the concluding sudden death showdown, Will Your Doctor Listen This Time Or Just Suggest Taking Vitamin D?

#my body is still but my insides feel like they’re thrumming with energy that has nowhere to go #I’m afraid to move in case the thought I’m trying to capture flits off like a butterfly #I’m also afraid to move because there’s this whole hernia situation #I’m also out here in the shadow of the valley that is ‘surgeon won’t schedule surgery until BMI is reduced’ #which puts me in almost a permanent state of waiting mode #because it’s not that I’m incapable of following a low calorie eating plan #in fact I’m actually kind of great at it which is the horrible part #because all the eating disorder goblins just start acting up like ‘yasssss it’s our time again’ #and like no it isn’t you little shits #we’re done with that shit fr #but because of the adhd it does require logging and vigilance so i don’t eat something and forget #and also it’s not possible to get a good grade in Diet Culture but oh boy #don’t tell my brain that #it wants to put an apple on that motherfucker’s exam table #FUCK #you ever overcome something and then have the medical establishment want you to have it again? #which is why eating disorders are adjacent to our society’s conception of addiction #except no doctor is going to prescribe drinking to excess or smoking or doing whatever drugs #but they WILL prescribe anorexia #fuck i hate this i hate it i hate it i hate it