#I think the biggest cause is just procrastination for important things like making doctors appts doing Fulbright and doing essay/hw

[remarkable-ghost]

Me trying to figure out the reason I can’t get out of bed today

***if u know me irl pls just don’t address me on this. I literally have two other blogs, but one is aesthetic and the other is like big emo but also a particular aesthetic so BOO it’s going on my everything blog so BOO!

#I’ve been having bad dreams for the past few nights or just not sleeping well :( #I think the biggest cause is just procrastination for important things like making doctors appts doing Fulbright and doing essay/hw #those take up so much space in my mind but literally makes me feel so sick I don’t do it #executive dysfunction who? my counselor called it self sabotage because... ya #I recognized it yesterday too while talking with a friend #anyways so feelings lots of anger and frustration because I LITERALLY UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT MYSELF #I AM AWARE I AM MAKING BAD DECISIONS? hOW DO I JUST STOP? HOW DO I JUST START TO DO THE THING IM SUPPOSED TO DO? #I told my significant other yesterday that like... if I could take adder all I would just to do the shit I gots to do... just once! #but my friend who actually TAKES adderall was like... that won’t work. it’ll work maybe one time if that and then you’re do it over again #like I was telling her that like when I face problems I just come up with solutions instead of face the problem #example pass/fail for a class... and she was like u could but what about next semester when you’re stuck again? #it’s really making me think back to high school when I struggled with the same thing #back then I was always like ‘just wait till you graduate’ esp senior year. like I majorly fell back. yikes #and im scared it’s happening again and I’m just watching it happen instead of doing anything to stop it #also I’m doing half of the right things? on meds. seeing a counselor. #but the self compassion is so hard especially when everyone’s world got flipped upside because #partially because COVID but shit has been real rough for my fam since 2019 let alone 2020 #anyways I see myself regressing a lot and I’m upset and my dreams keep going back to high school and people I knew n what I wanna say to ‘em #it’s kinda to the point where I think about like dropping out a lot again or using or harming/ideation so like big yikes! we struggling lads #ghost rants