#I just had a heavy therapy session yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soullikethesea · 7 months

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I feel sad. Saw T yesterday and it went better than it did last time. I could tell she was really trying and she seemed open to connection. She also asked about parts and that felt nice, because sometimes many sessions go by without ever talking about parts and it does make some of us feel unseen at times. (I know we should just bring it up ourselves in those cases).

T asked if I felt like therapy feels like a repetition of something (like earlier therapy). And yeah, in some ways. It does remind me of L and Old T, near the end, right before I stopped seeing them. I told T that we have gotten to know each other really well and now that seems to make it progressively harder for me.

It feels stuck. I get knots in my shoulders as I approach the terrain. Mentioned that, and then T asked a whole bunch about "what the knots would say if they could talk". Lol. The only thing I could imagine them saying was "go away". Not to T, I think, but to me. T proposed taking a walk, but I was scared of seeing other people outside. So then she said to just imagine taking a walk. I couldn't bring myself to follow her in imagining, unfortunately. I just had Wuss yelling at me inside.

Whenever I felt myself being pulled into emotions, getting upset, he yelled that it's bullshit and that I need to snap out of it. The fear of getting upset for like three days again, losing precious energy I need to cope with work.

T also asked if I was upset with her, but I just can't find the words! I just don't know. Am I upset with her? Maybe??? But why???? And is it not just me being horrible and ruining everything? T said she wondered if it was "attachment stuff", and yeah, probably, who knows... She said that I could imagine a perfect session with a perfect therapist and then we would know what to do. I kind of snapped at her that she still expects *me* to know everything, but I actually don't. I think it would be something like a T proposing some exercises and guiding me through it by giving options.

It's probably transference or just me being stupid, but I do think I need more structure. And yes, this feels like being back at Old T and how she came to telling me that she can't help me.

The T I have now is a bit more solid, but yeah, maybe I'm already driving her towards that as well.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I want the world to make sense and not to lead my own therapy. I already lead so much while I'm teaching. And man, I feel so freaking lonely.

I'm holding on at work, but I'm sacrificing my ability to connect.

Wuss kind of blocks all possible therapy work as well. He says that it's bullshit to focus on the past, because it's over and it's just a pity party to think about it. He says that about any and all emotions, basically. It's wearing me down. It's true, I don't want to think about the past anymore. It feels too heavy. But I also want to live a life that has a certain quality of life to it. Being all alone and not even in touch with myself hurts that QoL.

I sent T an analysis video of the 8 Passengers case on Youtube. It reminds me so much of how my dad and stepmum were, their mindset. I hope it shows how you get an overcontrolled child. But it also feels so pointless to share. Who even cares, why should it matter what happened. I've thought about it for 10 years and I'm still struggling.

I wish I could go back to some inner softness and some connection. I'll take connection with T if that's all that's available. I just can't seem to handle it. Even breathing in therapy scares me.

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