#I hate being o psych medication but I have to be or I'm going insane

[psilactis]

as a person who grew up loving anime and seeing the relevance and importance of found family over blood family, and as a young queer adult who keeps reading about how important community is for a person whose very identity goes against the 'traditional family' it's (really) kind of disheartening to realize I'm never going to have my own found family. Especially when your blood family just... Isn't there

#Been thinking about this a lot #When I was a depressed pre teen I had accepted I was doomed to be alone #But then I found friends. Real friends #And I though. Hey. Maybe they could be my family #But as an adult going through an impossible situation with next to zero support or care I'm having to come to terms again #That I'm never really going to have that. A family. #Not unless I conform to what society expects of me and find a man to get married and have children with (I'd rather die) #It's been a rough few days while I come to terms with that #And try to come to terms AGAIN with the fact that my parents don't love or want me #I think it'd be easier if they just disowned me all together instead of making me go through this. #And it's horrible because I'm stuck in a situation I can't get out of very fast. It's a long process #Of getting a job and accumulating money so I can move out #And not getting the support from my parents but seeing my brother get it.... It drives me insane #I hate being o psych medication but I have to be or I'm going insane #I keep wanting to harm myself or kill myself and it takes everything in me to not make a harsh decision #Right now there is nothing keeping me going other than inertia of decisions I made a few months ago. #I have to keep moving because I'm terrified of what is going to happen if I stop. #Psych medication isn't helping. Therapy isn't helping. Exercising isn't helping. #I keep having dreams that I find someone who truly loves me and it's so.... Warm. Comfortable. Safe. I just want to keep asleep in them. #Forever. #It's a pain to wake up and realize I'm never having that in real life. Just a warm hug. #Yesterday I realized if I attempted suicide it would take people a few days to find out #And it's not because I don't talk to people. I do. But. It's always me starting conversations these days #If I don't say anything usually no one starts talking first #Which is fine you know? But also so lonely