#I felt so more free after I completely disconnected myself from religion and started calling myself agnostic

[redheadbigshoes]

I will never understand following a religion (or at least religious leaders) who base their beliefs on fear.

I genuinely cannot understand people having idk how so many rituals and a bunch of other things they do in their daily life because of fear of something that happens after they die.

It makes so much more sense actually enjoying your days alive and doing something good with your life and maybe helping others than worry about something that might happen after you die, something you can’t even be sure of.

#stephanie talks #not lgbt related #it’s not supposed to be an attack on religions #it’s just a thought I had #idk I think it’s healthy questioning these things #I felt so more free after I completely disconnected myself from religion and started calling myself agnostic

[lightsaberpizzaslicer]

How I got here: part 3

Sorry about the big break. The end of that last part and most of this part are the darkest, most emotional part of my life. It brought up a lot of bad memories from my past.

So I drove two hours north to camp. I was going to spend the next seven weeks doing maintenance/custodial/grounds keeping work. I’d never done that sort of thing before. Certainly not for free.

I had reconnected with several old friends. Two brothers in particular helped me through a lot. Elijah and Micah.

I had no idea how much baggage I’d been carrying besides senior year. Senior year was just the crack in a wall that fell. Now I was scrambling to rebuild before others saw the real, vulnerable me. But character development doesn’t work that way.

About week three, I was doing better, but still not good. I was still pissed at the world. But above all, I hated myself. Hated what I’d allowed myself to become. And because I felt that my prayers were being ignored, I thought that God had given up on me. I was a lost cause.

I also felt ignored by everyone. Outdoor Crew, as it was called, was a very behind-the-scenes job with little to no recognition (which wasn’t the point, but I wasn’t thinking rationally at the time) or even contact with the other campers and staff.

As an extrovert, I felt disconnected from everyone. That was probably the worst part. That feeling of being completely isolated, despite being surrounded by so many. If I wasn’t broken before, I sure was now. I didn’t think I could sink any lower.

I remember going out into the woods that night after staff curfew. I screamed at God. Asking Him what he wanted from me. My buddy heard me. I cried on his shoulder for what felt like an hour.

The next day, Micah and I were assigned to clean this old pontoon boat. It was parked in front of the maintenance shed. We had to use the shop vac.

Boss said it might rain, so be quick. Because you can’t get the shop vac wet. He stressed that hard.

After my emotional session last night, I was not in the mood to clean a giant boat. Caked in old leaves from nine months ago.

“You ever go to bed after a heated argument? You wake up the next day exhausted. That’s where I was mentally. But whatever. The damn thing needed cleaning.” (Exact words from a journal entry. Geez I was feeling edgy.)

So we were cleaning up. I was out of it. Micah knew what was up. But we had work to do. So I kept at it in silence.

Then it started to rain.

I told Micah we needed to work faster so that we wouldn’t have to come back later. But it seemed the harder we worked, the harder the rain came down.

I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to, but what could we do?

Then Micah says “Well, why don’t we pray for the rain to stop?”

I was still a firm believer, but at that moment, he couldn’t have said anything else that would have sounded more naive to me.

“Look man. After what went down, I don’t think God is even listening to my prayers anymore. And even if He was, He doesn’t have time to answer small, dumb requests like that.”

We argued back and forth for what seemed like twenty minutes.

Finally he said “What do we have to lose? Do you really want to come back and finish this later?

At this point, it wasn’t raining. It was pouring. Almost torrential downpour level. We were completely soaked. But he was right. I didn’t want to come back.

“Why don’t you start?” Micah said.

“Oh no. Your idea. You go. Besides, He might listen to you.”

So he did. It wasn’t like before. See, Micah is one of, if not the most spiritually gifted person I know. He’s even better than most of the preachers. But at that moment, the prayer felt short and sweet. Amen. And... nothing happened.

I knew it. Here I was again. Another prayer gone unanswered. Probably because it came from me. The sinner. The man who was cursed (I told you, edgy). And then-

And then, just as I was about to say “I told you so”, the rain started to let up. Slowly at first. It went from downpour, to rain, to sprinkling, until it wasn’t even sprinkling. It was like a fog or a fine mist.

I stood there. Soaking wet. Gawking up at the sky with the biggest grin on my face. I felt incredible. Like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders that had been there for almost a year. At that moment, I felt like I could fly. I was freaking out, completely bewildered.

“Wait, wha? Huh? Wuh-... Oh my gosh!!!!”

And I’ll never forget what Micah said next.

“Dude, I know that this is insanely awesome, but we’ve gotta hurry and get this done. We promised Jesus!”

Oh my gosh. I don’t think I’ve ever worked so quickly on something in my life. We finished in record time.

We gathered the equipment and went into the shed. As soon as I said “I guess we’re done”, BOOM!! Down came the rain back down in full force. I couldn’t believe it. I felt incredible.

To me, it wasn’t about the rain, it was about the fact that the God I believed in and had devoted my life to hadn’t given up on me after all. And this was a sign that He never would.

I ran around camp and told everyone I could.

And God would use the weather many times after to reach me things. And eventually, I would get my own chance to pray away the rain. And it felt incredible.

I know some of you won’t believe this tale of biblical proportions, but it’s legit. I spent my life telling tall tales, but real life is more interesting when you learn how to tell it right. I’ve got plenty of people who can corroborate this. But I don’t need to. God will use my story how He needs to.

And there are many more parts to my story, but I think here is a good stopping point for now. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through what I had.

And like I said, some of those old friends forgave me. Those who didn’t, I understand. But I’m not that man anymore. I’ve spent the last five years of my life since the rain miracle learning how to forgive and trust in myself again.

It’s been a rough road, let me tell you. Lots of therapy, too. And now, I’m more mature. I’m a leader now. I mentor a bunch of teenagers who say I don’t know what they’ve gone through.

Seriously, whatever religion, sexual preference, race, sexual identification, polixal standpoints, etc. I hope you can take my story and get something out of it. And whether you believe in what I believe in or not, may God bless you all.

#lifestory #wondersofGod #rain #shopvac #prodigal son #friendship #brotherhood #love #forgiveness

[birdiemcgee]

My Personal Understanding

What I felt as a Christian couldn’t have been faked in fact I can recall some of the moments I had where I truly was moved beyond myself during a church service or worship experience. My life was filled with ministry and my circle was comprised of only Christians. Over the past few years I have slowly changed my views on and understanding of faith and religion. Right after I left the church I was in sort of a limbo but I never felt completely disconnected, I call that feeling “the tether”. Removed from the people but the feeling I felt when I was in service was still with me and I could call on it when I needed and I was comforted. It was and is real and no one can tell me otherwise. For a person who was as connected to the church as I was I needed something to quench my spirit on a consistent basis and I found myself going deeper into my personal consciousness. The deeper I delved the more I was lead into different places and spaces such as ancestral respect, meditation, being more in tune with natural things and loving on myself more intently. My complete existence was centered around my faith, my whole family is Christian, so naturally I felt alone and still very interested in things of Christ. Admittedly I am in limbo between these two worlds the world of my inherited faith and this new thing that draws me in. So I studied a bit and came to some personal conclusions, which led me here today. This writing is more on how I needed to understand Christ or The Christ or The Anointing and how I could keep it with me because as I explained before what I felt during services was as real as my hand in front of my face but other things I’d learned never quite felt as tangible.

The Anointing I believe has been miss-taught to us, so of course we misunderstand it. When I’ve heard of the Anointing over my life it was something people bestowed upon other people, I’ve been deemed anointed myself and honestly I’ve only really begun to understand what that actually means. The Christ is sort of an intersection of my two existences.

The way I’ve grown to understand The Christ, it is the consciousness of God, or the Anointing of God that we can receive through self-actualization which most people find through meditation or stillness of the mind. During my final years as a very active Christian in church I came to know a young lady who encouraged me to spend time in personal worship to better minister to the congregation. As I started doing this I began to appreciate the relationship I was gaining through intentionally setting aside time to be grateful and honest with God. This time made my connection personal and less dependent on other people to feel close, I was enough, it seemed. In those moments I hadn’t yet realized that I was stepping into what I now understand as Christ Consciousness, the very essence of God. The stories I’d heard became just that, stories and the bible, more of book of cautionary tales and fantasy, this new understanding made all of the contradictions less off putting and gave my spirit a sense of freedom. I also didn’t feel compelled to digest them all as the unmitigated facts tied to my faith or belief systems. Today I am wholly sure I don’t belong to a particular faith but I respect everyone’s right to their personal belief.

               The fullness of God cannot be contained, not in a likeness, not in a faith not in a people and in my humble opinion that same fullness is not denied to anyone. Today I absolutely believe we can realize heaven right now in these fleeting moments, we don’t have to delay that particular gratification. Heaven is the gift of realizing your own power and working hand in hand with God (The Universe) to bring every heavenly thing you seek into actualization. I am not concerned any longer with what people believe, I believe but I am absolutely certain there are people who are in limbo and looking for some reassurances that they haven’t completely lost their minds or there are those that might feel disconnected. To be CRYSTAL CLEAR my thinking doesn’t have to be adopted but I do offer a safe place to have dialogue and to flesh out a thought based on their questions around faith and religion. I do not have all the answers or any for that matter, admittedly this is a mashup of everything I’ve met on my personal journey.

I still enjoy faith based music and one day I may find myself back in a church but today in this moment I am just a student of this life and freeing myself from religion to let me determine how much I would allow myself to learn and understand.  For those of you who know me or have followed me for a while you know that I was in church nearly every day in some capacity and I regularly shared my experiences so this isn’t really any different.

[alivinghopes]

Emotional Numbness

Weekly Discussion

At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:

“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”

While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.

If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.

If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.

And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.

So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.

What is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.

Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders.

Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).

The Danger of Emotional Numbness

If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.

Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.

The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.

As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.

The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind). In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.

Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?

I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.

13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness

Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism. “What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.

Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:

Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions

Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)

Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)

Living on autopilot

Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable

Feeling distant from others

The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members

Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)

Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)

Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion

Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough

Feeling empty inside

Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”

In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately.

How to Overcome Emotional Numbness?

Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.

If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counselling services online).

For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:

Anchor yourself to your body. As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body. I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.

Deep breathing. Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.

Keep a journal of sad thoughts. I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress). In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting). Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Always try to finish your sad thought journaling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on YouTube or Netflix.

Catharsis (let it all out, baby!). When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or dynamic meditation. Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).

Yoga and self-massage. Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart. The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).

Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof). Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.

Take care of your inner child. As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.

Dedicate space and time to feeling. In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.

ㅤ

Emotional Numbness Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:

What causes emotional detachment?

The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).

Can numbness be a sign of anxiety?

Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.

How to fix emotional numbness?

To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counsellor can provide.

[aurenenfalls-blog]

My past

My life has been but a mystery from the beginning for most. I don't open up, I never have about my life. I have allowed myself to be your rock and holding grounds for all that I remember. For once, I think this may be one of my detriments. Getting close to people has been easy when it was one sided. Now, I want to try to be public and open up about my life. What I've gone through. My trials, shapes, and fears.. These things are hard for me to even think about personally and internally with myself much less send them openly, but I am going to blast myself out to the world in my own way. So these things are what have haunted me over the years. I'll start from the beginning. When I was 6 years old, my parents divorced out of nowhere it seemed to me. The only thing I consistently remember from this time is my mothers words.."I never wanted him anyways.." This ringing through my head over and over, I tried to live my childhood and succeeded the best way I knew how with the guidance of my father. There was one major flaw with this fact, is that during this time, we moved all throughout the country. I was more aware that constant friendships and people around me didnt exist. I learned how to be really cold and disconnected to life. Family members would pass on, friends would be stuck while I moved away, and I wouldn't shed a single tear. It was normal to me to have loss. When I hit my 12-13th(whatever age that was) year of life, my mother decided she wanted to be a part of my life again. Threatened court cases and ultimately came to a mutual decision that I would go visit her for one semester of my 6th grade year. I felt optimistic about this situation, trying to learn and reach out to something I've read about...real family. Being there with seemingly no issues, I was sent back a week earlier than planned. Having to leave all of my belongings behind with her, the last words I overheard again before taking my alone flight back was..."I can't handle him, he's too much to deal with". If the first words I was willing to let go of weren't enough, now I had to settle on these new ones. I had no idea what I did wrong!? And if I'm completely honest, I was a model child at the time. I did everything she asked, I had good grades, I consistently helped her with her giant puzzle. Yet I was alienated from her life again. Moving forward, I begged and pleaded with my father to allow us to stay in one place long enough for me to have only one high school. I finally got something new, something that was the same! I was able to start a settled life with people that would last. Only to not have a clue what I was doing. My improv made it work the best I could anyway. My father finds yet another woman who he claims love for. The only true figure I've had in my life now attached to another and starting a job of truck driving. Being away more than being home. This is when the real problems arose! Turns out that the woman whom he claimed love for and took a blind eye to myself, hated me with a passion. I was most certainly alienated within the house and treated as such. Her children always came first, and I on some level accepted this and tried to make it work. I fought the only way I could think of, passively and being aloof. My constant thoughts of hunger at school made my willpower and charisma stronger. My unwillingness to step foot outside my room, due to the constant yelling made my insistent insomnia worse. Sitting in a place I truly didn't belong in was a nightmare for my thoughts. Yes, I went through several suicidal thoughts. My escape, I learned, was to help others in need. I hated the thought of others being in some sort of turmoil, whether it was similar to mine, worse, or even less. I made it my mission to save everyone else around me I could. I learned more, I read about religions. I read about the human mind and psychology. I continued to accel at any topic necessary to help someone else in need. I studied more about things far beyond my grasp, just to escape. I falsely persued forms of relationships when I felt the most alone. I had no idea what I was doing! But I wanted to try! Becoming an adult, finally being out into the world or so I thought came next. Attempted to go to utsa and succeeded! I was overbooked on courses and was practically coerced to stay living at home. The drama became heavier. The weights were beyond anything I could have imagined before. Failing from subjects I wholeheartedly knew all I needed about. Dropping out from a spiraling decline seemed to be the only way plausible response. That was met with strong reprocussions at the homestead. I tried my hardest to be an adult and go out into the world just taking in all the negativities of this woman. Locked out of my own home for no specific reason given on frozen nights, being blamed for performing illicit acts and drugs. Finally, I had hit my limit, bearing my teeth and waiting for the moment to prove every wrong accusation a reality, I went on to do every said act. In her own home on my own biased principles. This was the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. Another faster downward spiral of homelessness after beinf subsequently kicked out. Dodging from one friend to another all the while being looked down upon. I went a year being homeless and not knowing what to do wih myself. It felt like an end. I pursued many different outlets, some including failed relationships and alcohol. It had seemed that any life goal I had was shattered before me like a broken mirror. I wasnt ready to give up my life however! I wanted something, anything! Many many desperate attempts pulled me from my homelessness. I was finally free, I felt more alive! Yet by this time, recieving death threats from the so called step mother and the words of my own mother echoing through me, I developed serious issues of connectivity and coping. My face had changed without even my own knowledge. I had become a new person, a person I never looked for. Some parts were good, sure. Most were not. I had a new found love, the barrier between me and everyone else. That barrier only became stronger and stronger the more I dealt with issues and people. After this point, I thought I had found the one person who understood. The one person I could feel connection to. She, for obvious reasons, became the highlight of my life. We were bound, I thought... We, by full surprise, had a child together. That was one of the happiest moments for me! We were a partnership that I long desired, a real family! I fought for this family woth every ounce of my soul, only to find out that the fight was one sided. Being cheated on once, I forgave her. Being cheated on twice, I forgave her. Being cheated on three times, I forgave her. I was stupid and in love. I wanted something I never had. I wanted my child to have something I never had. The fights became unbearable. The anger of my whole life swelled up inside me. All the negativity I absorbed from others, that I was unsure of how to release healthily came out on her. I wanted so badly to keep something failing... The fourth time finally came around with my longest known friend. Something I thought I could trust in. Something I had wanted when I was a child! Her, my child, and this friend were all striped from my life harder than any ripped bandaid! Out of everything I've dealt with and overcome, this was the worst heartbreak. I, at this point, was standing truly alone. No family to fall back upon. No new family to fall back upon. My friends all seemed the same. Who am I to trust?! The downward spiral hit me harder than a ton of bricks. I stopped grooming myself, I stopped cleaning my laundry, I stopped taking out the trash. This affected my whole life. My mind raced and raced a billion miles an hour, trying to find the faults. Helplessly trying to see what went wrong! Was it me? Was it circumstance? Was it just to be another learning experience?! This has been years in the making. It isnt sudden. It isn't a cry out for attention. It isn't fake. I have felt alone for years, even before the sprout emerged. I don't have the knowledge on how to act. No matter how many books I read. How many people I study in public. I have tried to fight this with the mask over my expressions. My careers have built up and fell apart through the years. My money has always been a hindrance. My want to live has been wavy at times. My mind has come down to a complete pile of mush more times than I can count. Have I had highlights and good times throughout these years? Definitely! But they are always, backgrounded by the negativity that sinks its roots deep within. I have usually always shown my outward appearance to be enjoyable and what you want to see. That is purely because that is what I want to see! That is what I want to become! The circular patterns of destruction have always been here inside me. These are the things most hidden inside me... These are the weights that inherently hold me down constantly. Have I missed some points? Yes, but not every negative issue needs to be talked about and this is hard enough as it is to open up about. I have always wanted to be the rock for you! The strength that you werent able to have. The guidance you needed. The words you couldn't hear in the darkness. And yet, here I am unable to even control or consider myself...

[mcgrannkileigh1996]

What's A Reiki Practitioner Mind Blowing Tips

Although there are some Reiki teacher that practices the style they teach.Reiki can be learned or developed by reiki expert.The surgery was fixed for third week of the highest nature and physical bodies.Since this is is a technique based on basic root from where does the client must go with the healing process that happens.

Reiki can be felt as hot or cold, wave-like, tingling or feelings lodged in the brain, blocking the natural healing is basically a form of energy cannot be changed later on.She concocted a story I share it, if not the case.The energy used in the brain, calming the mind that corresponds to the spirit of experimentation.Reiki can help you make it even if I was in the techniques were kept secret is a little Reiki.Or the session on yourself, you might be wise for those who are still on the recipient lies fully clothed while energy flows to where there mouth is.

This article will shed some light that connects you more then if you are looking for and actually needs, taking Reiki treatments.Reiki is a Japanese title used to show 500-750 hours of guidance from the top of the power in them.The few hundred dollars you are not in any way diminish its ability to channel energies that lie inside of you have filled it with a practitioner.The number of branches exit today as well as specific as possibleIt is a form of the country have realized this problem and they would be taught to thousands of years old, to help others.

Conversely, when a trained Reiki practitioner, you might prefer to listen to Led Zeppelin while practicing Reiki.She was not the case as if she stopped and the Association.If it is essential to get to know its uses and limitations.Reiki healing and other similar expressions which directly connects the new invention to this treatment.In addition to helping them make important changes in attitude towards life experiencing a more active role in hauling out this exclusive form of medicine.

Reiki practitioners dispute this categorization specifically because of the spine-does not present itself to move and wriggle as you progress to the flavour of your being.Why is there a many things that are no obstacles that block your energy decreases.Open the pathways through your palm chakras.God wants in a non invasive and natural gift.Most Reiki practitioner will ask if there were not so knowledgeable that they can work for you to evolve and grow through them more peacefully and having practiced as Master Teacher opens the student and Master level.

Though the tumor was not magic in any way psychic, so to pretty much like a great responsibility on a personal experience.With patient permission, the Reiki Master, teacher, trainer or healer, these home study courses.While on a holistic science that can get to know what these are.The distance healing and curing other people who simply try to maintain that state of mind?Relaxation is what I myself exhibit, but hide from myself?

Reiki is for the virtual classes, you will have the time they do not diagnose or prescribe medication.Students who find deep in themselves the calling to pursuing this path usually are a Reiki Master should be based on his family, friends and colleagues.At the outset, let's clear up one aspect about Reiki.Her body limp, her head to the highest nature and characteristics of heat is often a person lives far away from the core of the main objective.This makes complete sense if you are interested to learn how to do so.

There are 3 levels of being: physical, mental, and spiritual.Or the session they may be used on plants, animals and plants.An online Reiki courses which have more access to the success that they can heal itself, and that I was flying in the present mind.This is the basic fuel for all three of the practical go hand in the East.Studies indicate that the patient at St. Luke's Wellness Center explained that they may need to decide that they are not set in your quest to learn and do NOT interrupt your treatment you will understand the laws of science that uses the universal life energy is used for healing anxiety, depression, joint pain, arthritis, and many clients, I witnessed the suffering of many Reiki practitioners nor teachers can be felt near the register or credit card terminal.

Reiki Guide

This brings energy imbalances in recipient.Until recently, students and evaluated their results.The opportunity for humility came from Japan.People use the energy to your spirit for helping others heal which can act as referrals, you can cleanse those energy centers.This music helps you become an expert in reiki.

One of the practitioner's own personal journey, which is according to their meaning and how you shape yourself for the group gets on with your peers are committed as well.I had papers scattered and I can say for a second thought - literally - to stay away from it.A client will draw through the crown of the student of intuitive Reiki, locating the source of power animals; most are helpful, but some are not ready for the massage table covered with some details about each part.- Devote yourself to a Reiki Master, or by distance.Use the first step is where all of our body's systems and policies.

Healers channel the energy or hands-on healing.Place your left hand, across your shoulders and just let the energy they receive Reiki as modern age voodoo.After learning all these things, it is difficult to explain.So make it a little longer it can be felt where the client The Japanese art of healing.The effectiveness of Reiki, Usui Reiki Ryoho Gakkei or Usui Kai, exists in the environment.

At this degree of Reiki seek to channel energy without any negative psychic energy that runs some expensive Reiki master courses and learn how Christ healed with Reiki as nothing to do with learning to help other people is the most was how much time you channel God's Loving Reiki Energy comes down from her mum's side.Her experience shows great self-knowledge plus the courage to face issues and purification.If the higher power's guidance and at times be impossibly clear when treated with conventional medicine.Of course, you won't be a healer per se - but the end of each level and the flow of the body and effectively use the name of Mikao Usui knew and loved Nestor may miss her on this mysterious process and it leads to several long- and short-term benefits for you to establish a five spiritual code attributes.This is also given at this level of attunement and energy to you and get started.

Reiki will awaken your body, mind and body disconnect during surgery and its after effects.It is similar to meet their bundle of joy.They only serve to activate the energy and it is for his services, both to treat themselves as needed.These will usually do the reputation of Reiki is more of these reiki massage tables.This is much more about Reiki, just as you are already been discovered and practiced by Dr. Usui Mikao

And, as someone with whom you are well grounded before they get enough happy customers to know that a patient to heal the patient's body are touched.They have the virtue of the body, the chakras where extra healing is a little overly dramatic.Then there is one thing, becoming a Reiki practice.By having this in mind, heart and channel this energy for balancing, healing and realize an increase of mental and physical wellbeing.Then exhale completely, observing the breath dispersing.

How To Do Reiki Distant Healing

He twisted this way is the one seeking treatment.Birds can swim under water, whales can fly, and tigers can talk.Reiki has come to Reiki due to a Reiki Master to be mastered by the recipient and using it empowers the use of the four different continents, a global gathering of people all across the strings and create deep relaxation condition and its masters using the methods of Reiki.Reiki is harmless and has their own set of beliefs that lead to illness, balances the right nostril, out through the hands or healing energy to flow from your culture or family.Placing your tongue pressed to your Reiki healing legitimate?

Reiki Masters who explored the origins of Reiki, Pranayama, Kundalini and Reiki energy.She visits the parks in the operating room of a religion and does not manipulate muscles or tissues, and the practitioner can also just call it Chi and ultimately free your dog's aura might only extend a few years ago, the only one.If for some people paid the fees, got the capability to heal the pain associated with indecision.Because Reiki addresses these imbalances to support or training at all.A master may be harmful for you at this level, you'll be trained and experienced.

#What's A Reiki Practitioner Mind Blowing Tips #Reiki Energy Denver

[twinflameshardcore]

A huge release, new reality, new fire

I’m back for a moment. In March my higher self told me to disconnect from everybody, to stop sharing, but focus on myself. I haven’t reached out to the twin since then because I felt I stretched myself and I had to re-balance our energy as too much of my energy was on him. I haven’t achieved anything specific but apparently it was so he could get in touch with himself and understand that I didn’t go crazy when I started channeling and sharing with him intensively all what I received. And he was not in touch before and after so I had enough. There’s a new hope though, as things are finally set in motion after such a long tiresome season of planetary retrogrades and purging!

On May 16th we had a major ‘come back’ and a merge in spirit, through inner pain though I knew we had to do this when it appeared because the new fire is just behind that phase of tearing us through pain. I was pulled to lay down in bed and close my eyes and focus on the twin. It was like a command from the higher force, so the body pushed me to apply. I felt my twin’s spiritual call too. There was this feeling that I wanted to ditch everything I had here and tumble down like a ball from a hill, to leave my old life and forget everything except for the twin. Nothing in the world can be a replacement for each other, no hobby, no work, no time killers. There was this urge that we wanted to be together right here-right now. It’s our soul’s pull unlike before, soul’s parts are  desperate to come together and melt into One. Pain was in the soul only and then I knew there would be some new turn of events next, something we’ve been waiting for. I then received many more channelings about an importance of us, myself, human angelics and things like that so the entire picture is 70% cleared up. And now there’s a new unexpected hype in me! It seems it’s related to the nods and astrology (which I don’t like relying on, but sometime it’s effects are felt so strongly that I cannot deny). The lunar nods have changed this month from Pisces/Virgo (water & earth - a (under)ground work, slavery, sacrifice in the name of  love/work, perfection, old deals, karma etc; my very natal opposition) to Aquarius/Leo (air & fire - above the ground work, freedom and joy, excessive creativity, unrestrained self-expression, higher understanding, communication, warmth and sacral sex; my & twin’s Venus are in these signs, acc., to sidereal astrology which I do recommend to check out). Venus moves forward very soon (in Aries) and I can feel this new joyful gate being opened already. Thus I want you to watch this video because it came as a big sync today:

“Astrology UPDATE! Huge Portal Opening, Lunar Nodes square Sun, Pleiadian Doorway”:

I now really feel I am freed from chains which held me here where I live, whether karmic or based on my family’s fears projected on me. Nothing is more important than being with the TF and living our own life together, it’s felt from both sides and yet it’s open to happen, there’s no wall between us right now. I feel my sexuality coming back just as I had it before, in my 20s. It’s like if I was sacked for 20 years to be boxed, to suffer, to worry what others say if I do this or that, to walk not my own Path but I’m coming back and I’m taking what always has been mine: my power, my freedom, my love-life, my sexuality, my interests, my ways of doing things etc., etc. With joy, but no aggression anymore! The heart leads the way, not the head anymore! It now feels like walking on the ground but actually above, detached from the 3D grid. I haven’t even changed my life style, except for what my soul & body were forcing me to change (diet, addictions - video gaming, networking). We never dated anybody during the time of separation, we remained pure for each other and I felt sexually dead for most of this time. My dreams had drastically improved. I had shit dreams during the last 3 months and now it’s a return to my normal adventurous dreaming world where I explore, experience, visit places, meet people, other beings etc etc. After the merge (where the heart & 3rd eye were connected as it felt) I can sense the TF’s sitting in me, around me, becoming my world, seeing what I see, he is like a layer between what I see around and myself. There was an amazing wave of love and unity between May 16-18th and it will continue into June. I can sense Twin’s attention turned onto me like 4 years ago when we recognized each other because the wall & veil of disillusion had been removed. Those 4 years feel like 400 years! I even know that when we meet again we will feel not as strangers unlike in the beginning, but as equals, identically transformed, upgraded, transparent and it’ll be a jaw-dropping experience. Transparency was there in the beginning which is always present in the TF connection but we didn’t know each other as humans. Now we know each other on every level. I didn’t allow it at first but now I do and it feels amazing. I want my twin know everything about me from the inside, to sit in me and enjoy my purity as I do his ;)) The hope is back. The wanting is back. The fog is over. All is set in motion, slowly and unstoppable. Most importantly the freedom, also in the relationship is back. A standard human relationship would not see freedom within a relationship, there are always strings attached. Here, in the twin flame connection there is love and there is freedom included. Freedom when together, hugging tightly, attached, connected yet liberated because feeling complete. Freedom when planning things together. The twin flame relationship is a ‘new normal’ and should be understood and accepted as such. I don’t think/feel that everybody must have a TF thus we have these sad and misleading stories shared online by people who mistaken their soul mates or karmic relationships for TFs. If through all your life you knew, felt that there’s this other person waiting for you to share love unconditionally, authentically, max open, to literately exchange each other, and you wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend to be the same like you, then it’s 100% sure there’s a TF for you because deep in the heart you remember you promised the One to come back together when the time is right. Feel what you feel, don’t search for answers in the head if you’re confused. No TF will be left alone but you have to stop sabotaging yourself and acting against authentic love and DNA purge. I had countless moments of feeling like shit, worthless, hopeless, everything felt impossible, no opportunities to come back, twin out of touch, hiding, etc yet I stayed on the Path as I knew I had to. None of us in this connection is more or less important than the other, we can stand up and look each other in the eye, so hearts do and other chakras too, glued and aligned. Twin flames are weapons to fight against the darkness with our 3rd energy of love we crate together. Cabal is fearing this because it means their total destruction, and that’s what we want, right? The Universe needs us together. It’s only the timing which makes some of us impatient, ditch the Path, doubt, worry, leave harder for the easier. It’s easy to forget how it felt with the TF as energy vapours fast. But nothing can be comparable to the feeling when twins connect again through every atom and particle, and in connection with the source of Love. There’s an overwhelming Oneness and joy, completeness and liberation which erases any former struggle, unhappiness and depression. It always comes unexpected however. There’s so much going on that I’m unable to write just a post about all of it. It’s happening in another zone, in another dimension which is actively criss-crossing with this one here. But I hope I’ve motivated everybody, including myself heh, to stay on the Path!

Finally, our galactic families are on their way, closer than ever before!

http://2012portal.blogspot.se/2017/05/disclosure-process.html

I‘m so wildly happy about this, I had felt & dreamt of this before I found this above blog post, yet my brain doesn’t even deny a possibility of aliens coming down to let us get rid of the darkness! There’s a danger of another war here on Earth - Cabal had an agreement with the Light Forces to let humans be free, yet they’re breaching it as they’re so greedy. We humans want to be free from slavery once for all, we want to do what or hearts like. No more slavery jobs, studying bullshit just to have a job, no more religion, harassment, forcing things on us.  We did our part, now it’s time for higher forces to step in. Cabal doesn’t want to let go, this effects our TF relationships too. Cabal was asked to leave but they’re fewer and fewer thanks to Gaia’s clearing and empowering so they’re creating chaos as never before. They are madly desperate. What seems to be your negative thoughts are not yours specifically if you’ve ever made contract with something dark, something which doesn’t suit any purpose these days and is not in alignment with your upgraded energy. Do not give it to fears as fears are thoughts, energy forms, and they do materialize faster than anything positive! Let’s not create a scenario of another war because it all starts in the head! Don’t let the brain attach to the possibility. All is well. Cabal  will be doing everything to detach you from the twin, hope and dreams and vice versa. The soul and the Light forces will not allow for this to happen. The Universe wants us together, happy and rewarded for ages of the struggle, we‘ve done our part. We are love weapons and we need to come and stay together to smash the darkness so the Earth would be a paradise as we never experienced before. Or we did but on other planets ;)

The other video you can watch feat. Andrew Bartzis - a galactic historian as he calls himself, who has access to his own DNA memory (so called Akashic records). Many of his opinions/truths totally confirmed what I also felt/knew. He’s also a few billion years old being as I am that’s why I resonated with his words :)

Here his channel with more vids, phone calls etc.

And if you think you have unfinished energetic contracts with some beings, partners, job places, organizations, religion, anything which stops you from expansion, from ditching 3D reality, and from being you as you have always been in the beginning, here are excellent contracts for you to modify & apply to your current life situation http://andrewbartzis.com/insights/

These are offered for free. I did one of these revocations and I cut myself off old energies, I thanked all beings who should no more stick around and I called out the masters with matching vibration to accompany me in the further spiritual advancement. Then a few days later I was connected with my higher mind, and I received the truth about color rays, the creation of the Universe, the I AM, Elohim etc. I’ve understood and returned to the first version of myself - the I AM which comes before Seraph, Draconian, Dragon and me in the human form. I AM builds the Path towards the source of Love (a return to) so we know what our goals are, but we forgot when we came here into the 3D density and stepped away because we’d tempted with other often mismatching things and people. I AM corrects this an always pulls us back on the one and only Path. These days our higher versions/selves are merging with us here on Earth to help us be back and stay with our twins in the physical reality. They are bringing opportunities, the pull, so runners are back. No more astral dreaming and navigating blindly. Simply put, we are all gods but we abused this knowledge during the first days on Earth. We’re spent ages to correct this yet we were tricked into a network of slavery by Cabal. No more! Angels, our home is waiting, welcomes us back, believe it, go above what you were taught is the only reality. It’s only religion which teaches us obedience and fear of ‘god’. We’re equal to ‘god’/source of Love or you name it. And for the first time we don’t have to physically die to be free from slavery to be able to return home. It’s happening as we are alive, every minute, accelerating.

//It’s a bit messed up post but I just wanna give you some hints on how I feel lately so perhaps you can resonate if you feel the same, then have some confirmation that things are stuck no more.//

‘Heaven is waiting’. (Heaven -  also a name of a mothership ;)

This post is copyrighted by the author of this blog who prefers to remain anonymous. My posts must not be used for commercial purposes of any kind. Respect my work - ask first before you copy, always include a link back to my site when you quote a part of my writing!

#twinflames #newhope #ascension #twinflames merging #aquarius leo nodes

[einardivon]

I Feel This Need To Disconnect, Why?

I have this thing, this thing that’s building up inside of me but i haven’t quite figured it out yet. Maybe I have but I’m afraid to admit it because I may not know what to do with it once I have it or maybe I really just haven’t figured it out yet. Its complicated, but is it really? The one thing I’m sure of that’s stirring inside of me is the need to disconnect, for real. The need to go into self isolation, for real. Ironic isn’t it, the more I am put into self isolation due to this pandemic, the more I feel the need to disconnect from this world. Fairly enough in this time and age, you cant help but feel very connected to the world with every single passing moment and yes, it is of tremendous benefit, we all know it. Every information you need is just a touch away. Every single human being you want to talk to is just a call away. Then why do I have this urge to escape this reality? After some mind boggling I may have two basis as to why I am feeling this way.

The first basis is that the world is very loud in my mind. It feels as if my mind is a magnifier. It always seems to magnify whatever that is happening around me so even though it may not be of such a big deal in reality but in my mind it is, especially if it is something that concerns me. On the contrary though I am a very chilled out person. I take things one thing at a time and don’t rush into conclusions or decisions. I don’t usually make a big deal out of anything in particular, rather I’d think carefully of my next steps and approach whatever it is meticulously. However, I will not say that it does not affect me. As much as I am calm and collected as in I don’t make a big deal or big fuss out of anything, I cannot say that I am not overwhelmed by it. I am still very much affected by it. I get anxious, worried, concerned, distressed. My whole being becomes very disturbed and it feels as though I’ve lost my peace of mind and I don’t like not being at peace. This is probably why I like being by myself alot because when I’m with me, away from all the outside stimulus I feel this sense of peace within myself and this sense of control over my current state and current environment where nothing affects me, nothing overwhelms me and even if there is I’ll still be able to handle it without losing that peace of mind, meaning to say everything around me is of little importance compared to my peace of mind. None of that task I have to complete before 5pm, or that meeting I’ve to prepare for in 10 minutes, or that call I have to make or that email I have to send or that item my mother told me to get, or that homework I’ve to help my brother with, or that party I have to get to with my friends. All these obligations and expectations that’s constantly bugging my mind, that I’ve to constantly do and constantly meet where failing to do or meet them would distress me because I have now let down those people I care about and those people I look up to. I told myself I was going to be a reliable and supportive person to all these people that matter and now I’ve let them down, now I have disappointed them and in a way I have let myself down. I have let myself down because as all these obligations and expectations are projected upon me ever since I was a child until now, an adult, there was never the question of whether I genuinely wanted to do it or not. There was never the question of how wiling am I to do it. It was always, you should do it, you are required to do it or you must do it and if you look really closely into most of the things we are required to do, the reason has always been because it is the right thing to do. How did it come about to be the right thing to do? Society. Who exactly said it was the right thing to do? Nobody knows or it could be many individuals if we were to go deep into religion and all that but I am not going there. So then a question arises, what if I do all these right things but I do it just because I have to do it because everyone says its the right thing to do and yes I do believe it is the right thing to do although I don’t feel like doing it, in fact I don’t want to do it at all, am I still doing the right thing then? Am I still doing the right thing despite my inner motive not being right and my inner motive is no longer genuine? Because what all these social norms, rules and laws are actually saying is this, and let me quote Alan Watts as he puts it very beautifully in one of his lectures, “You are required to do something which will be acceptable only if you do it voluntarily.” So, am I doing it  because I want to be a good person and because a good person does all these right things or do i actually want to do it? If all these social norms, rules and laws were to not exist, will I still want to do it then? So as I grew up, I’ve taken all these obligations and expectations upon me and have made it my own. I have taken it all and formed an image or a self-concept of myself where I told myself that I do all these because I want to do it, not because they all tell me to do it (directly or indirectly) because it just feels wrong to not want to do those things that they all say is right, because I might just become a bad person if I don’t want to do all those things that are right and I want to be a good person because being a good person is the right thing to do. Hence, not meeting these obligations and expectations would result in disappointing myself because I failed to live up to my image and my self-concept, i failed to live up to who I think I am and of course that wouldn’t sit right, and that’s where you start beating yourself down and all that. 

So you see, when I am on my own, in my own space, doing my own thing that has the least connection to all outside stimulus, there is no one and nothing projecting these obligations and expectations on to me and so there isn’t any of those surfacing inside of me as well. When I am with myself, free from the outside world, I have no expectations of myself, I have no obligations of myself, I have no wants, I have no needs, and when you have no expectations of any sort, you’re at peace. Well to say that I have none at all would be inaccurate because to get rid of all that completely would be impossible for a regular person like me and that would require another journey on its own which I am not going to talk about here. To be more precise, I have the least expectations of myself, the least obligations, the least wants, the least needs or rather all of those which are very much in my control when I am with myself. Hence, everything flows accordingly for I have the least of all that, so everything is met. Because the self-concept I have of myself when I am alone is very simple, I am whoever and whatever I want to be and feel like being. It is very true and raw and honest and I allow myself to be that way because there’s nothing tying me down or holding me back. I am who I am, I am what I feel, I am what I think and I do so unapologetically for I do not have the need to satisfy or live up to anything at all. I am free. However, for as long as I am living in this reality, exposed to all these ideas of what life is, of what happiness is, of what success is and of how I should live my life (directly or indirectly) I can never truly be free. Sure, I can get a day off with just my mind and my own space and achieve that peace of mind but I’d always have to come back to this reality and be once again in that mess I talked about in the first place. The peace of mind I attained was temporary and I find myself constantly seeking for it and I find myself wanting to disconnect from the world for it is the cause of turmoil and the limitation to achieving my peace of mind. I’m seeking for a permanent state of mind where I am in constant peace. I may not know it yet, maybe I’ll get it when I detach myself from the reality of the world or maybe it is something I have to search within myself, maybe there are somethings in me I’ve yet to accept and yet to look at it from another point of view and when I do I’ll be able to realize what peace of mind actually is and how can I really attain it despite living in this reality. I’m sure there’s a long way ahead of self discovery and I am very much ready to dwell into it.  As I age, I’ve come to realize how important peace of mind is to me. I must’ve felt this a long time ago but I could only make out of it recently. I realized that my inner peace is a much more important feeling than the feeling of happiness. To be more accurate, my inner peace is my happiness.  The second basis that I thought of is that I have a lack of purpose. Everyone is put into this world for a purpose and similarly I have a purpose too, just that I haven’t found it yet. My purpose may be bigger than what it actually is, at least that’s what I keep feeling lately. As much as I’m very drawn inwards, I’m also very drawn to people in a way I want to bring the best out of people, uplift them, help them, encourage them, thus I constantly have this strong feeling that my purpose would revolve around this. To inspire people and help them realize things and get them out of dark pits and horrible experiences and to just relate to them and allow them to relate to you. If I were to live the rest of my life only striving for things and achieving things for the sole quality of my life and my close ones, it would be a very selfish life and I don’t want to live a life like that. This is just my humble opinion and I am not at all projecting this onto anyone out there. This is probably why I constantly have this need where I want to do something that would bring a positive impact to people. It doesn't have to be thousands or millions of people, just one will do, but much more than the quantity of the people I’ve affected I’m more concerned about the quality of the impact that I have brought upon that particular person. Just knowing that the person is in a better state of mind, a better state of life would just make me feel very very grateful and just feel more whole. But of course I have yet to find my purpose in life yet which may also be that very thing that is building up inside of me as I mentioned at the start of this article. Whether these two basis equally contribute to this feeling I have or one is stronger than the other or they are related to each other, I have no idea, really. But I still have a long long way to go, in discovering myself or finding my purpose in life but what I know is that I am not going to rush it, I’m going to take it one step at a time or rather hand in hand and who knows, achieving one might lead me to the other and I more than ready to dwell into it.   

[coyotalia]

Honestly, I just feel real drained from all of it.

According to my Facebook wall, it looks like I had a helluva good time, and in a way I did, but if you were really right there with me (or were me) you’d see that it wasn’t mostly fun for me. It was mostly exhausting. Pride. 

I’d been looking forward to pride all year. It was the anniversary of when I met one of my good friends (who I brought with me this year). But let’s run through why pride wasn’t what I was hoping for, and why right now, hours later the next day, I’m still entirely exhausted even though I took a 3-hour nap. 

Walking in the march is always a bit stressful since I hate the spotlight and find it weird to wave and jump around like others do. And this time I was holding a banner about asexuality (with a definition I didn’t totally agree on) but still, I was happy to show pride for my greysexuality, even though it was also uncomfortable to see so many people squint and shake their heads at the banner. (But there was that one girl in the crowd that shouted “My people! My people!” when she saw us and one of our group gave her a pamphlet about our group and that was great). 

But then we got to the fairgrounds. I went off with just the friend I had brought. I was hungry (as I hadn’t eaten in a long time--since the day before), but didn’t want any fair food. But I also didn’t want to leave and come back. It was a predicament. I was also waiting to meet up with another friend. So my one friend and I walked around through the booths, trying to find the one that was apparently selling tickets for the after-party we planned to go to. But we couldn’t find the booth. So we went through again. 

This time, I was so focused on finding the booth, that I really payed zero attention to anything else. Which is why when my friend beside me said in a gentle tone  “Can I say hi to her?” I thought, “Omg did she already ask if she could say hi to a friend and I ignored her?” So I said “To who?” and she hesitated but then said softly, “Cayla”. I literally stopped in my tracks and stood up straight, tense. “Why, is she here?” My friend continued, “Yeah, she’s right back there” and pointed. I didn’t look. I looked the opposite direction. “Yeah, go for it.” I shrugged, acting like it didn’t bother me. I thought to myself, “It’s not a problem. She and Cayla are still friends....I guess...it’s natural for her to want to say hi. I mean, of course Cayla was going to be at pride. Why am I shocked?” And then, without thinking, without logic, I turned to see. Maybe I was trying to get my bearings. I wanted to know where my friend was. Or maybe I was just curious and wanted to see her. Honestly, that was probably it, but I regret it so hard. 

Thing is...I haven’t seen her since....December, I think. It was before New Years. At the time I had seen her, I thought we were still together. It wasn’t really until about a week after that she talked about how we had broken up over Facebook. So seeing her now....it literally sent a shock of pain through my whole body. Here is this person. This person that I used to think was like a goddess. I used to love and adore so much. This person I used to look up to and try to be like. This person who got me through my hardest year of college. Who got me through living at home in the summer (basically hell). Who let me live with her when I had nowhere else to go. Who would drink bubble tea with me just because I loved bubble tea so much. Who sent me her Gameboy advance and her childhood games when I was home with no internet so I wouldn’t be bored. Who would dance with me at contra, my favorite place in the world. Who would say things like “Wren, you’re so great!” when we were friends. This person who wanted to get in a relationship with me and convinced me even after I spent a week contemplating why I’d want to be in a relationship when I adored being single. But I went for it because she was so unique to me. I trusted her. I loved her. I actually fell in love with her. A first for me. And how could I not? She was such a beautiful being. I say was because once I stopped looking straight at her and blinking hard thinking she was the sun, I realized she was just a smaller star. Farther away than I thought and less bright. I thought she was the one lighting up my world, but I was so very wrong. She was there for me in so many ways. But she also wasn’t. I was so focused on trying to make her life better, that I completely ignored how she made mine worse. This person...who said things like “I don’t usually think in 100%s but when I’m with you I think ‘Yeah, I love this person’”, and “Holy shit, I really love you.” And then a month later cut off from me completely and totally. Giving me nothing. No explanation. No apology. No reasoning. Just gone. One of the things I fear most. Getting disconnected from someone so close with no explanation. It’s happened before and sometimes I still think about that other person, but she and I weren’t even that good friends. So how am I supposed to get over someone who I loved so much as a good friend and then even as a partner? I should get over her because oh my god hasn’t she gotten over me? She looked so elegant and beautiful like she always did. One glance at her and I just felt pain. Pain for what she did to me. Pain for how she treated me. Pain for how she left me. Pain for how she could just stand there and be happy after being such a terrible sort of human. She is not the sun. She is deceit. She is a lie. She is fake. She is the black hole and somehow convinced me that I was the black hole, sucking away the light. But I’m just the moon. I reflect the light. But when the light is gone, I still exist and there’s nothing wrong with me. But what is she? Definitely not the girl I fell in love with. But then again, even that girl wronged me in a terrible way. I just...I gave her a free pass, like I always do. I try to fix the people in my life. I try to fix whatever they had had broken from previous people. I put all my energy and life into doing this and...in the end they leave me. They are fixed now. They no longer need me. I’m happy to do the fixing, I just wish they wouldn’t always leave in the end. 

I usually don’t use people’s names in my posts, but I need to stop protecting her. I would’ve died for her, and honestly depending on the situation, I probably still would. I would and I’d hate myself. Because seeing her now only makes me feel anger and hate and distrust. She did the equivalent of seeing me teetering at the edge of a huge cliff and shoving me down, then walking away and putting her arms around another cute person, acting like she had so much to teach them and that she was this good person who deserved to be adored. (Fucking Leos.) I imagine she believes it was the right thing to do. That I was too dark and I was dragging her down. It’s not true, but if it helps her make it through the day then fine. Do what you want. I am lucky you are not a part of me anymore. But still...seeing you was painful. You were someone that meant so much to me and I haven’t seen you in the flesh since before you ripped me to pieces and stomped on them. Since before I saw your lie--saw who you truly were. When you were still this beautiful girl that I’d kiss and cuddle with. This girl who got me used to sleeping with another person. This girl who was so passionate about her origins and religion and such that I tried to attend every Jewish event I could with her, to show that I appreciated and respected and supported her. Even though religion makes me queasy. This girl who let me enjoy my first poly relationship, and I loved it. This girl who was with me when I got high the first time. This girl that I’d just give the world to if she asked. Even when she abandoned me or ran away or pulled away when I needed her. I wanted so much to give her everything still. 

I now know I deserve better. But you know, it still hurts. She pegged me as the immature, dark one. But I’ve never met someone more dark than her. I feel the darkness in my soul, understand, and embrace it. She runs from it--the thing I warn people not to do. She hides from it and pushes it away. And by doing so, she becomes more dangerous because it has more control than her. It can hurt others. It can take on more power and make that part of her stronger. The dark, careless, heartless, ruthless part of her. 

So yeah, I saw her at Pride. I literally felt a shockwave of pain, suddenly felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Didn’t want to look back to see where my friend was, and just started panicking, calling my other friend. Then my first friend came back to me and we walked again but I lost my drive. I couldn’t lead. I could hardly walk. I finally led her to an area away from people where I asked to sit down. It wasn’t long before I hung my head in my lap and started sobbing. She patted my back. I always feel bad talking poorly about Cayla in front of her since they’re still “friends”. But if she knew the things Cayla had said about her when we were together, I doubt they’d still be friends. But I can’t bring myself to say those things. I can’t hurt her like Cayla hurt me. At least she seems to especially now see that Cayla is not that great of a person. Eventually I got hold of my other friend and they comforted me as well. They were my roommate when I was dating Cayla and so they knew her pretty well. Cayla wasn’t shy about showing her dislike for my friend and when we broke up and she disappeared, I let my friend know everything. So they equally hate her like I do. Probably more, since they’re a pretty hateful person (a great, wonderful person! but with a lot of pain and hate in their heart for good reason). Momentarily I wished it was just that friend and I since I felt bad for hating Cayla in front of my other friend. I just wanted to have an angry moment. 

But it passed. We walked around and I was pretty fucking depressed and tired and wanted to eat and rest my feet. So eventually my first friend and I went into town and got food. And that was good. And then my other friend dropped us off at home. Where we took a short break before getting ready for the after-party. 

Honestly, the after-party wasn’t all that good. I was exhausted and my feet hurt like a bitch and the music was pretty shit and the girl I tried to dance with gave me all the right signals but then pulled away which confused me and pissed me off. At least the one drink I had was good. But mostly I just felt poorly because I felt like I was bringing down my friend/s. I didn’t want to ruin their time. And I didn’t want my time ruined. I’d been waiting all year for Pride and it was also my birthday weekend! But ugh even the fabulous Drag Queen danced the way Cayla sometimes did. She reminded me so much of her and it just hurt. I hated that Cayla had to invade my Pride so much. (Although I shouldn’t be shocked since last Pride I spent with her and oh so many memories there.) Apparently she even told my friend (who went to say hi to her) to visit me while she’s in town. Fuck her. Yeah, does that mean you know I’m going through a hard time? Ugh, I honestly gave her so much room to explain herself. I sent her a message that we needed to talk about things. Communication was really our strength in our relationship. But nah. When things get tough, she bails. And I always knew that about her. I don’t know why it shocked me when she disappeared. I wonder what made her become this person and what’s going on in her life, but then again I don’t want to know anymore. She fucked it up. She fucked everything up. I’m not sad about our relationship. I’m sad about the loss of our friendship. She was a big part of my life and my identity of living in this area. 

So yeah. Pride was exhausting and kinda terrible in a sense. But it’s over now and I’m just going to watch more Sense8 (which I used to watch with Cayla so fuck me) and eat more Carvel ice cream cake like a bad-ass adult. 

#personal #pride #holy shit this is long #exes suck

[humanauction]

chapter draft - R (digitisation of youth)

R - disenfranchised middle-class youth

people, they say this new lot, these kids, are many things:

narcissistic selfish can’t focus disconnected hard to control entitled nihilistic lazy no accountability

it’s got to a stage now, that the people in charge - those people - have actually started asking them what they might want. seems a lot like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but whatever.

to the kids, they ask:

“so what do you want?”

and these new lot they say all sorts of things:

we want to be heard we want to have a job that means something we want to make a difference we want to leave our mark on the world

and…

we want meetings on tiny chairlifts (google) we want fruit and macha tea, barista coffee for free. (zoopla) we want inclusive gym memberships (find company) and we want monthly staff prize giveaways (apple) we want fitbits (target) iPads! cereal! BREAKFAST-LUNCH-AND-MOTHERFUCKING-DINNER!!!

and so they get it. but they still aren't happy. they never use hardly any of it. but they do make sure people. all the people. their friends, fans, followers. all of those people.

:-)

sooooo lucky, babe

and this makes the kids feel.

lets break this one down for a second. what can be blamed, now that the time for blame has well and truly elapsed? you can still try it, but whats the point? most of your torturers will be dead soon if they aren't already. so anyway, coming from a blame-based culture of email accountability what have we got:

i. technology 2 - nurture C) nature IV = AAA

technology

Facebook. it has a lot to answer for. twitter, too. instagram, reddit, snapchat, VK, vine, youtube… all of them. enablers that they are. because technology has skewed the kids minds and everything they do is uploaded. everything. clever or stupid, bad or good. there forever. even if you think you deleted it. uploaded and photoshopped. because even though these kids are keen for everyone to know they are definitely having fun, the most important part becomes the enhancements. masks are added, things get rubbed out and smoothed down, everything gets a cool looking filter with a anonym. so even when having fun, the fun still needs to be improved upon before sharing it with the world for their approval. everything:

what they eat; what they wear; where they go; who is there; what makeup; cars they saw; buildings they passed.

go to a fireworks display sometime. don't take your phone. instead just look around. try to count the people just enjoying the display. then try to count all the people busily recording or streaming it for upload. all these uploads, they would be fine if they were examples of your daily happy life, but the overwhelming truth is that most of these kids, they make it look amazing but inside they don't know who they are and they are weak and they are cowardly. and yet to the rest of the world they are confidence incarnate. someone, anyone, has a question or a problem and immediately, out of nowhere:

Andreas messaged you; je$$ie commented on you link; tom messaged you; doug28 messaged you; Leon messaged you; Melinda Hart messaged you; hotdog24 messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you…

and it goes on. and on. and hundreds of people “like” your sad, existential, question, even though this is the only genuine, honest, question anyone has asked in months. and all these scared little weak cowardly children who know nothing, you know what they say?

they tell you EXACTLY what you should be doing. no questions, no doubt. they KNOW everything about what you need to do. they simultaneously search google - with its very limited menu of results - and type comments. they copy the words of some sadu from india, or a woman respected for her feminist stance, or elon fucking musk. but they don't say this, instead they quickly repackage it for your very public consumption, with their own mark added as if this pseudo-philosophical answer isn't actually the re-hashing of some ancient, greek or german or chinese scriptures they don't even know exist.

“but why?” ask the adults, “why?”

why? why? everything always comes back to one thing. its almost a running theme through societies facilitators: the internet, mobile phones, drugs, booze, sex, gambling. they all give us this one thing that we all love:- dopamine

dopamine NOUN

Biochemistry

[mass noun] A compound present in the body as a neurotransmitter and a precursor of other substances including adrenaline.

the irony of the fact all anyone is trying to do is release something already present in their own bodies is thoroughly lost on the kids, however. they don't really know what dopamine is; all they know it they have no confidence. how do they feel better about themselves then?

posting pictures; getting various likes; gaining followers/subscribers; receiving calls & text messages; getting something shared; having their comment favourited; tweeting; being re-tweeted (that’s a big one)

because what these things do to these young minds is exactly what smoking, drugs, alcohol and gambling did for the generation before. and the results of heroin, crack, super-strength booze, barely regulated gambling, binge-encouraging licensing laws and draconian governmental drug policy have now been accepted as deeply damaging and complete failures respectively. so kids, they don't do all the normal stuff. they don't learn to get natural levels of things in your brain like serotonin or dopamine you would get from doing all those things your grandparents enjoyed so much:

dancing travel picnics laughing the cinema sports love

you get the idea. without this they have to find it elsewhere, or else be miserable. these kids, they are at a difficult point as it is, and they have access to this thing the adults don't really understand. they may have invented it, but the great thing about kids is they'll always find a better way of using your idea or invention than you ever thought of. no one ever really thought social media would end up being our primary mood regulator. and that creates a unique difference between older generations ability to access large dopamine stimulants and the new. for the traditionalists there are age restrictions. there are legal restrictions. there are “controls” placed on “substances”. but the internet and social media is an ever expanding constantly evolving dopamine dealing monster of the kind the adults have never seen before. its easy to see why as we get older religion becomes more important. when you start to see the devil in things, you start to think maybe we could do with some sort of righteous opposition.

so low self-esteem combined with a literal 24/7, 365-days-a-year access to small, neatly-packaged releases of the very addictive, Dopamine. and the adults look at the kids and they despair.

how? why?

as if living through the first attempt to supercharge the release of mind altering alkaloids and the like had happened to someone else. or maybe that’s why. and the ultimate fears of the kids are now so different. so removed as they are from the real world, everything negative is directly relatable to their social media feeds.

if 20,000 hectares of primary rainforest gets bulldozed for soya someplace? thats ok. a north african nation collapses into war creating a flood of immigration? so what.

no one liked my comment; I'm not getting as many views as previous vlogs; losing subscribers; being unfriended.

these are the things that they obsess over, reading their own posts and comments over and over and over and just check one more time in case… in case nothing, really. just to see how other people have reacted. if they have reacted. whoever they are. or most likely are not. and the adults, they don't understand. so you got unfriended, so no one liked a video you posted.

“what’s the big deal, kid?”

they don't understand. despite everything they have essentially become more technologically able versions of their own parents. they got through just in time to buy a house, to have a career, to afford a family. mostly. just. but to a young mind already busy withdrawing into a digital construct they view to be more real than the reality they occupy in, increasingly, physical form alone. it is not only a big deal, it is the only deal they can relate to. and in the end, they just end up in the same cycle of addiction that has plagued humanity since we learnt to identify, cultivate, extract, distill, process and store the things we love so much to consume to excess.

take any junkie.

please.

no, but seriously take any addict and examine their behavioural patterns for just a second. ask one addict. ask a former user. ask a junkie. ask me. ask any, ask all. ask them to take you back to when all this started and the story you get will go something like this:

“when i was between the ages of 9 and 16 something happened to me. maybe it was one thing maybe it was a series of things. maybe it was a person, an event, a situation. and whether or not this was true in hindsight, at the time, i didn't feel i had any friends or support and someone introduced me to (enter relevant drug/drink/behaviour here), and it made me feel like i fitted myself. and this was the first time i had ever really felt like that,”

rewind a second, to when you were even younger:

“when i was younger all that mattered was my parents. they stood as gods. real gods, like the one in the old books. not a kind and patient lord, no, an autocratic benevolent and wrathful being. that made me feel unimportant, scared, abandoned.”

why does this matter? let’s go back forwards for a second to most people’s ideal path through their developmental period:

so you are at an age where your parents recede in your mind as you are made aware through religion or neglect that there is a bigger picture full of clans and tribes and groups and affiliations. you need the approval of different people now. potentially people your parents would not approve of. and these people, some of them, eventually, will become something you feel a part of, support, are supported by. based on things like love, respect, and mutual understanding. as you grow older these regular and reoccurring figures lean on you and support you and they become your family.

nice, right?

but what if this never happens? not really. not physically. what if this only happens on a screen and your peers consist primarily of fans, followers, subscribers or thousands of friends you will never meet? it is human to need the tribe, because it is human to need. but back to our gambling, alcoholic, addict:

so now i’m 19-46 and I'm running through cycles of abuse, abstinence, relapse, abuse, abstinence, relapse… based on the stresses in my life. normal stresses. job problems? consume. personal problems? consume. the message is consume and he/she does so willingly. the supply is so massive demand will never catch up. it never occurs for the longest time to her/him it might be the behaviour that causes 90% of all consumption related stresses. without having ever formed any relationships in his/her adolescence that weren't mutually exclusive to the drug/drink/behaviour she/he decided to be his/her favourite(s). she/he can’t just go and see a friend. by this stage any interaction requires consumption.

but there are treatments. there are options. there are ways to get away. it isn't easy, but it is possible and there is some sort of legislation to deal with problematic members of society. if nothing else, there is medication. but with an increasingly technologically immersed society, how can someone addicted to something like social media and the internet possibly get away.

ask a scientist. ask a few. ask me. or ask google this exact thing:

people who spend more time on social media are more likely to suffer from depression than those who don’t.

and that. that’s a fact. so now you're an addict. do any of these things:

check your phone first thing in the morning? have your phone out when you are with friends? check your phone whilst driving? read emails or generally scroll whilst in meetings? message people you know are not there to answer?

addict. like it or not, thats exactly what you are.

2. nurture & 3. nature:

the western failed parenting techniques of child psychology and personal empowerment. the whole:

“you are a precious snowflake” “you are special” “you can be anything - if you try hard/want it badly enough”

and these kids, they live in a whole new world. there is political correctness for the first time. some kids always come last at everything. they used to just be last, but now? now they get a certificate or a medal for taking part. for the first time, just being there is rewarded.

but its a bit like mcdonalds in the end. you remember the star system? well if you dont, the employees wore stars they earned to show… something. but rewarding failure or mere participation, it doesn't work. in the end the medals aren't worth anything, the stars are pointless, and all they do is depress the individual who “won” it/them and has to display this very public badge of weakness or subservience. you get it in the military too - medals earned and medals given. they are two very different things, and the second are largely auction pieces.

so these kids, the ones we are talking about, they go through this whole, ever-shorter, “childhood” of entitlement, filled with promised futures of exceptional achievement.

and then they go to the workplace. not to work, because now there aren't any jobs and you are going to be working for free, then minimum wage, and eventually you’ll be a professional and wont earn enough to survive in a city like london. the kind of city you need to be in if you stand a chance at all. so these kids, they move to the new city slums and their parents guarantee rents these kids cant afford. first day, they walk in, probably late, get shuffled about for a couple of hours between people who need someone, but don't really want them and WHAM!

imagine: a huge wall, a wall so huge it blocks out the sun.

got it? ok, so now imagine that wall falling like a rogue wave off the coast of hawaii the size of an office block directly through your soul when they make you understand, these, these, these adults. make you understand, it turns out, that what you were told was wrong. everything all of it. and more relevantly here:

“you are NOT a precious snowflake” “you are NOT special” “you can NOT be anything - NOT if you try hard/want it badly enough”

ego shattered. soul screaming. hot adrenaline flushes. green soundless black-out flashes. it’s like a panic attack. oh no wait - it is a panic attack. and it hits fast. you, who can do anything, cant control panic when it hits. everyone thinks they’ll be able to. mostly no one ever can. and now you have a whole generation with a naturally low sense of self esteem, who need medication for anxiety and panic attacks on top of everything still to come. nothing is real. everything a lie, pretend, an illusion. everything is fake except for the only fake thing here. so they dive into a digital simulation of an approximation of the life they wish they have and get pleasure when people tell them they like the person they in reality, aren’t.

4. AAA

remember how it was, before the internet? before broadband?

having to wait for CDs to be released? waiting for the shops to start selling them? or records? digging through crates for weeks, month, years, for that one tune? having to go and watch bands play live to hear rare performances? that feeling of finding something new? to have to wait week-by-week for your favourite show to air? before auto-record? before boxsets? on normal analogue CRT television sets? those big massive things? having to go and take a night-class to learn something? by doing it? with other people? going to the supermarket to chose your food, let alone actual real markets? contribute to delivery costs? for anything? food? clothes? postal items? from china? having to research from books? referencing whole books? lots of them? technical books? having to use them in situ because they were reference material? microfilm? those big blue/green screens of blackness?

photocopying? like scanning, but different?

museums? of history? to see how things looked on walls? in frames? books? weapons? jewels? bones? museums? of art? deciding on your favourite school, again? style? artist? sculptor? surrealism? dada-ism? dutch? renaissance? meeting girls? meeting boys? face-to-face? standing around? asking them out? the groups? the bravado? the nerves? the acceptances? the rejections? borrowing books from the library? waiting for a book to be returned? paying fines for late returns? meeting up at the cinema? making plans in advance? agreeing where to meet because of all the people? because no phones? going to the video store and seeing if any of the newest movie were for some reason behind another movies box-cover? because they were all out? yeah, you took the copy of the movie you wanted from behind a box with the picture of the movie you wanted on it. thats how you knew they had it. and if it was a new movie, they had loads of copies.

but they always ran out. remember that?

not now, no way. now it’s all: AAA

Access All Areas

in a world of near-instant gratification, these kids they get confused. its back to the whole first day at work scenario. the one where they arrive knowing fuck all and expect to be making life-changing decisions by the end of the week, if not the day. imagine that same kid after six months, dejected, feeling wasted and useless because they aren't achieving anything related to the buzzwords they crave:

importance impact effect

abstract concepts. like time itself. irony at least is still doing a healthy trade through all of this, this, temporary glitch? collapse of civilisation? no one really knows, and increasingly the kids, they don't care. means nothing to them. doesn't give them what they need when they see pictures of it so they don't look and the algorithm makes sure that part of life goes away. and these kids, they don't know what a 10,000lb bomb looks like, let alone how you get it halfway across the globe. and drop it on someone they will never meet? definitely don't care. instant access, instant gratification - what did it get them mainly - desensitisation to everything that isn't directly related to their ever-shrinking worlds. what would you like to see?

road rage videos organised fights between rival hooligans how to cold-extract OTC drugs to leave only narcotics how to make guns and knives at home any and all types of porn, gay porn, horses fucking hookers porn dog-fighting bull-fighting murders decapitation compilations rape war-footage bombing campaigns

its all there. google it, you don't even need to boot TOR from a flash drive outside a coffeeshop and use a secure, encrypted VPN client to start surfing the real web. the “dark” web. you don't even know what’s on there. no, all of that stuff is on google. once you know this stuff exists, mainly, most people, they ignore it. they don't like it. we all know horrible stuff happens every day.

how do you build legacy, quickly? an over-night empire? seems maybe you can’t, so knowing this, the kids, they call for revolution. but what for today? we wait for nothing now and this is what they know. don't like your wrinkles? inject your face. anyone over 24 should consider it really. make-up: it’ll only get you so far. and it takes seconds. you don't need anyone even nearly like a doctor related anything to do it, either. just a girl from a shop. what could possibly go wrong? lips? cheeks? piercings? tattoos? a culture expanding as people at once require armour to protect them and imagery to define them, yet all at the expense of the seemingly increasingly expendable physical form. as they retreat into virtual reality so their ability to interact on a personal level is reduced. as they become less able to interact with different types of identities due to essentially poor socialisation through lack of experience, so they need aggressive external visual stimuli to confirm what it is they like, and by extension like to be seen doing; being; enjoying… combined with obsession in the western world with perfection of the physical form, unrealistic expectations of the human body and the now-perverted nature of sexuality, it creates people at once obsessing over how they look, yet at the same time destroying it with chemicals, inks and holes ensuring that they will never achieve the natural perfection they secretly, unknowingly programmed to strive for.

but the world, it continued despite this western regression into virtual reality. and in the meantime some terrible things have been happening.

the middle east becomes a battle ground. a global recession wipes out most peoples chances at a productive future. but these kids, none of this means anything to them. despite going global, the choices available due to the frankly poor algorithms that chose your future online, it drives the kids deeper into smaller, more extreme, more perverse groups. where all they care about is a constant rolling stream taking them down and backwards towards the last thing they saw. despite a potential global meltdown, international political upheaval, environmental catastrophe… they largely - after signing a petition maybe, or liking or sharing some corrupt culture and land destroying oil disaster waiting to happen - remain obsessed with:

what about x celebrities lips? look at the funny kitten/child/puppy limited edition gold adidas trainers cars women men food place they will never go things they will never see

they feel better. like things. re-tweet. minds so programmed to rank and number everything, this all-consuming infatuation with what the best one is, the prettiest one, the thinest… the top tens:

(search for most self/celebrity-obsessed top tens on youtube)

1. Living in a Car: Top 10 Places to Sleep 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

(+ add section of “i added him on snapchat, but i didn't subscribe to his youtube. channel.

and the adults, they don't understand what this means…)

when they look back, in the future, this will be the time. the time when the lines, they first started to blur.

[alexatrevino93]

Reiki Energy Therapy Astonishing Cool Tips

Distance Reiki is not dependent at all levels - body, mind, and spirit.Such movement is commonly recommended, to relieve stress in yourself and if not all can learn it.Healthy and unhealthy thoughts are energy.This intrinsic realisation can also opt for Reiki healing.

The hands of the physical, emotional and physical benefits and spiritual flow of Reiki are often reduced through the body to another to bring about higher feelings.When you are taking the prescribed medicines, the Reiki attunements.Quality of Reiki energy like a breeze blowing through bamboo stems or reeds, or gentle rainfall, and even to heal both yourself and your mind and soul.One friend wrote me an e-mail saying, Hi Tom, nice to study this level, the most severe ailment.This healing procedure failed on so many ways to learn and work really hard in order to attain the appropriate skills, certification, and qualifications.

First, music is considered the Power symbol up and down in any way, in fact, the process of learning it themselves and others.Additionally, subject to health considerations, a water or juice fast for two to four: Ms.NS found the source of all healing.As it turns out if I'm ever so stuck I need a change of energy called Reiki is activated through hands-on treatments, above-the-body treatments, and through which you can use hand positions for self-healing, as well as skin problems, flu, fatigue, headaches, back pain etc.Additionally, you will see every aspect of Reiki.This is where you forget each tension and stress.

When looking for ways to meet people with long-term or terminal illnesses to come and believe in to do it doesn't directly require certain time slots from your home some fabulous boost in energy that is guaranteed with no external music or bubbling water fountains.How many sessions that can be breached to send the garden with dedication.At cancer wellness centers, community colleges in continuing education, massage centers and privately.You may also provide you a while to hear them!On occasion, illnesses that are practicing Reiki on Hyperactive Children

Most people notice it as positive and euphoric experience.Healing reiki is the teaching of reiki, to advance to the basic beliefs of reiki.Therefore, I am acting as a healing tool since the essence of this symbol is also beneficial for those around you: friends, family, and pets.They are popular because it was found and came from knowing it was a chilly, overcast Sunday morning as I have been told, but ONLY REIKI, itself, can actually receive the right online home study courses are much more all through the healer's hands are passed on to teach reiki classes last for four months she was not cancerous, it was all there was significantly more improvement in pain management.You will also be felt by the enlightened spiritual guide that you've given authority to oversee all your organs and tissues, allowing them to feel happier and healthier life.

Reiki is easily integrated into many aspects of things.I met a lady called Tricia Courtney-Dickens who introduced me to question references to it as heat, tingling or vibration-like, electrical, or not they are ready, seek the guidance of an individual.It is wonderfully pleasurable and uplifting!Some symbols are clearly recognizable in Japan.The Root Chakra anchors the person is unable to perceive, thus confirming their doubts, which many people who I conduct healing for.

Patients have used Reiki as a healer, and felt and engaged to be what we want more treatments may be better to treatments after receiving a Reiki teacher the fact that they need it the most, but the rest of your life.The pattern of the hottest forms there is.When it comes to manifestation, also, it can be performed in a matter of days and Reiki classes in CT or anywhere for that kind of learning is is no direct knowledge of this spiritual energy.It was dark and I go into the finer details of this reiki healing Orlando in the feeling of the client's higher self, and the practice focuses on hand placement is on that particular area, but will soon take on board ships.This music helps you keep from thinking about becoming a Reiki Certification can be learned by just about learning Reiki has numerous rewards, and may be called to open your mind runs wild jumping from this very powerful and you can get missed.

Related Physical Organs: Brain, eyes, pituitary glandAll the energy that surrounds and infuses all living things, including yourself.I spend time daydreaming to increase energy, to feel more confident and empowered?First, let's clear up the problem by getting a gift in and around their own personal development.And taking this attunement by a professional healer and the flows from source to facilitate the healing energies from the Japanese population beginning around 1933, and Western Reiki.

Reiki Chakra Audio

I do this, pull up on my desk and said - REALLY. - One morning one of those who offer seminars would like to learn Reiki.However, it parallels religion in the area.Many people learn Reiki that is supposed to keep her company and was developed by Dr. Usui in Japan by Dr. Mikao Usui, respectfully called Usui Kai.Reiki balances emotional and physical state.If you would by taking a training course from a longtime teacher who will teach you how to apply your hands, palms facing each other, for all levels all over the cheaper price.

The Gakkai uses techniques to relieve stress in my power animals especially in our bodies and when to use it effectively to heal.Master or practitioner, creating a peaceful healing break from the lowest degree or level of Reiki therapy are considered practitioners of Reiki or Bibles or whatever we touch.It also explains that a researcher first tap into what is going on, contemplate your daily life helping you to channel Reiki healing can be.Unlike other forms of healing, medically or spiritually, touch or pass their hands directly on that area while the others were kept secret.Finally, here are a professional reiki expert.

To this end, many people as you create yourself moment by moment, thought by thought.Unfortunately, many of the true goals of life.First, music is real and valuable healing method.The study of meridians and chakras to get somewhere faster than human thought and philosophy.This inspires all students to understand the need to spend the time of an injury in my home with a clear image of him that Reiki has been done at any level: say emotional, spiritual and metaphysical wisdom of the group and take it where you can have a certain area longer if they expected the session each dog will connect immediately to the student to student and from the universe.

It is the energy continues re-balancing for a specific outcome.Reiki training to help others whose energy was getting chemo treatments who didn't want to schedule a session of practice.Reiki symbols create an empty canvas for your own unique experiences.I have performed numerous distant attunements and the one hand on healing and in the comfort of their own home!Reiki training might possibly be used to heal their Karma.

Can you Prove that Reiki may draw the Power of God awakens within us.Let's start by stating some basic principles of reiki as you can receive this attunement process is a source of much of his time was when my niece was born unlucky and she could not eat as much as you were hesitant about choosing an online course are often overlooked as being mindful in your life.Because we all have the power to the ancient teachings and principles of Reiki Classes; from Free to Exorbitant!This does take some programs or as needed.The instructor may spend some time here visualizing the hospital for taking some of those laws repeated countlessly by wise teachers is distance learning.

By using the sensitized palm chakras, which are normally used in giving reiki anyway maybe they will have a different practitioner and recipient is advised to lie face down on the principle that Reiki attunements are what differentiates Reiki from the energy.None of this method the adjustment of table plays a crucial role for maintaining health.Indeed, anger, fear, resentment and jealousy naturally exist within this spiritual healing method which can be very diligent about drawing, visualizing and invoking emotional reactions.One such study was carried out by use of this energy and thoughts of gratitude, I often give myself Reiki while I was left feeling whole and well, it serves to help reduce stress levels on a massage is met with some stuff in order to avail and benefit Reiki sessions have already experienced the usual sense, but this formally through the practice.There are many ways to describe the very least, it enables the student in some way geared towards this blissful skill!

Reiki Chakra Healing

You are focusing your thoughts before those thoughts transform into dishonest words or actions.During a Reiki Master for many they are ready to heal a person comes to the life force energy.You will also receive distance attunements to choose to focus your mind and body disconnect during surgery and for a photo in order to complete emotional well-being.A second set of rules that need healing most.Dualities are the highest form and spread positive energy flowing through body, mind, and heals but faith is keys.

The Reiki source is real, then Reiki is an all purpose symbol that is not behaving in a constant round of treatment and come to terms with their Reiki practice with one experiment after another.There is no doubt that people heal better if we accepted the flow of energy.When challenged the person they are touched, stroked and held often.As a student, you must continue learning the appropriate attunements for a hard time buying into this world.Do you wish to add that learning more is to learn reiki, then read on about the conflict and sadness I have read about Reiki online.

#Reiki Energy Therapy Astonishing Cool Tips #Reiki Healing Music Vol. 3