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#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.
ferdydurke
·
7 months
Text
I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.
#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.
#Bleak as fuck. I think the language of 'the world is without colour' never does it for me bc thats how id describe it when im out of it
#but when im depressed my main feeling is that i am a person that was born without a soul whose main purpose in life is to kill myself
#because i cant bear to do or think anything else. And like even talking about it while in that mental state feels incredibely like.
#Like youre doing something disgusting because its a cry for attention or for help so you have to put it in a way that makes it clear that
#you are not trying to escape your destiny by trying to convince someone you are worthy of living.
#And then like. At some point you stop feeling like that and you forget about it...
#until youre there again. and you forget what its like to not be in it. its crazyyyy to me its just crazy
#barking
#ultimately im very lucky.
#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it
#and well i will prolly end up in that hole again maybe even this year. but maybe ill have something to pull me out
#some ability to change the thing thats making me feel like that
#and idk its so like. awful that that isnt always the case. sometimes youre just drowning in it and theres nothing
#just my late night thoughts thats why i need that weed bad man
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