#I can just BARELY control myself when I'm in a negative headspace already | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aloeburn · 2 years

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I don't know if it's because I'm autistic or because I'm trans and didn't get a childhood as my gender but for whatever reason I really really like feeling small. To be clear as we go through this, this isn't like sexual or like a kink in any way. I don't know necessarily whether I mean young or not but like insignificant and tiny and cute and petite. It's a feeling and a fundamentally different state of mind that I like so much that people gain complete control over my body if they can simply get me there, treat me like I need to be taken care of and like I can't really think for myself. I am gay and yet the moment in time I remember as being the purest untainted happiness I had felt in a long time was just having two guys huddled around me, patting me on the head, calling me a good girl and saying I'm cute. I wasn't attracted to these men, yet they still treated me like I was cute and small and so now that feeling and the memory of that feeling is burned into my brain. I've felt the same way before then, too, and even after. It's this just raw, unfiltered joy. I start bouncing up and down and shaking and it just almost feels like that's what emotions could be like if I wasn't so guarded. Like when I get into that headspace I go to a time before I started bottling up my emotions and dulling them down until I barely felt them anymore. It's weird. I think the weirdness is what makes it stressful too. Because it is not safe to do this around people I don't already trust deeply. When I get into that headspace I am extremely easy to control and manipulate. Both those men later coerced me into sexual acts I did not enjoy and did not want to participate in. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that when I enter that state of mind I can no longer meaningfully consent. The problem with only doing it around people I trust though is that I have to find a way to explain it to them. It's a thought so scary that I just haven't done it. I can't imagine asking anyone other than a partner to do that for me and i don't think I would ever be brave enough to ask for that. It just would feel too weird. even though it's literally one of the happiest feelings I have felt, it is dangerous to engage with on any level. The scary part is that I don't have control over it either. People can get me into a headspace like that even just by accident. I mean a lot of the time people don't really know what's happened or what caused it. I'll just start bouncing a bit and shaking and speaking in a more shy tone of voice and cuddling with them. It's not always super noticable exactly what happened from the outside. Ya know, I hate to excuse the men who manipulated me being in that state of mind but from the outside I could very much understand why that would come across as sexual attraction to them. I mean this girl starts acting super excited whenever you touch her and gets really shy and blushy and keeps nuzzling up to you and following you wherever you go, i fully admit I was giving off all the signs of someone who was madly in love with them. I mean even as we got more sexual with eachother I hid all of the times I cried to myself about it, they to this day never knew that I didn't consent to what they did to me. I think some of that is also having an emotionally abusive dad I learned to hide my emotions to make other people happy and also learned that toxic need to make other people happy regardless of how it negatively affects me. It just sucks. All of it. I just want to be happy and the world makes that really hard sometimes. I hope I find someone I can trust enough to tell about this thing whatever it is.

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