#I AM SO PHYSICALLY UNWELL I AM GOING TO THROW MYSELF OFF OF A BUILDING

[burnbrightdoll]

me after watching s4: ep: four of miss scarlet and the duke:

#miss scarlet and the duke #miss scarlet and the duke spoilers #4.4 #eliza scarlet #william wellington #eliza x william #I AM SO PHYSICALLY UNWELL I AM GOING TO THROW MYSELF OFF OF A BUILDING #i am in spain.. without the ‘s’ currently

[kyraalysse-blog]

Life Update

So the beginning of this year started out really well. I started a new course that was childcare and I absolutely adore doing this. I received my level 1 and 2 in it. In February I got an amazing kickstart job in a nursery to gain experience within a childcare environment. I worked here for 6 month and honestly it was my heart and soul. I absolutely loved this job, I made some lifelong friends with the staff there and I grew such amazing bonds with the children. At the end of August I went to my manager to find out if I was being kept on the job or not. Unfortunately I was not as the had "too many apprenticeships" as it was. She also said that I was off ill too much which was bull. The only time I was off for too long was a week and that was doctors orders so physically I couldn't do anything. The other times I said to my manager I can still come in even though I'm feeling unwell and she told me to stay off, but the only times I were off is when I was actually throwing up like I am not allowed in work when I have. So I then ended up leaving the building and having a very major panic attack. I couldn't breathe, couldn't see properly. My heart was pounding out of my chest. It was horrible, one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Since then I have got no where for finding jobs just applying and not hearing anything back, I need to do my level 3 for childcare realistically so I can get a better job rather than just an apprentice. So about two weeks go by and I am then randomly removed from the work group chat for me to then find out why... SOMEONE WHO IS LESS EXPERIENCED THAN ME AND WHO HAS ONLY BEEN THERE IN PLACEMENT FOR A FEW WEEKS HAS BEEN ACCEPTED INTO STAYING. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK THEY SAID THERE WAS NO PLACES LEFT. Why me? I did everything fine, all of the staff and children respected me and I actually did an amazing job there if I do say so myself. But clearly it wasn't enough since it looks like they decided to lie to me. Who knows. Honestly am heartbroken though, I am still crying from loosing it to this day, also have had two bad dreams about it. Oh and also I was given one day notice so found out the Thursday and did my last shift on the Friday. I gained so much from this amazing job why did they let ME go?!? I had so much more confidence. And all in all I became such a better person.

[betweentheracks]

Heyo! Not to be too nosy here but you mentioned you're in bad health and recovering, and I just wondered what happened? Also how would it impact your career since, from how you've made it all seem thus far, it's a highly active and demanding job?

Hope you take care and get well! You appear quite strong and not like you'd take whatever has happened just lying down, so here's to you!! 🙏💓

No sweat and no worries here, I dont find this particularly invasive. If anything, I'm flattered you care to ask after me lol. 😁

A few weeks back I met a friend I hadn't seen in some time for lunch. This was against my better sense of caution that I've held firmly to throughout the pandemic, but I would feel regretful and dismissive if I didnt agree to see her while I had the chance. I should've listened my gut and stayed safely at work because this "friend" failed to mention she had tested positive (she knew already by the time of our lunch date, she has since admitted) and had figured since she had no symptoms there was no harm in being in public.

FF only a few days later and I was feeling a little unwell but had put it off as an effect of the winter blast that had just hit where I live. I'd spent half a day out in the cold and snow for a photoshoot only the day before and thought it was probably due to that since I'm susceptible to weather influenced head colds and bronchitis. Fortunately, my job mandates a rigid COVID-19 screening twice a week due to our high profile clientele and as an assurance of health and safety for us all. Mine read back with a positive and with the way I had been feeling I was immediately sent home and the company closed its doors while the building was sterilized and our clients notified.

Thankfully I managed not to infect anyone I work with nor my son. Regrettably, I did infect my best friend since we're horrifically incapable of maintaining personal space and have weak shit immune systems. We both agree it is a wonder we made it this far into plague times without it catching us.

So I went and got looked over and sent on my way with my prescription of potent anti-virals and steroids. I was well prepared to abide the quarantine guidelines and had sent my son to my mother's home for the duration so that he was out of the danger zone. It was fine, I was kinda cool and keen on getting a few days to myself to rest up and all that jazz. But it wasn't meant to last and I found trouble in the form of being unable to remain conscious much at all and would pass out constantly. After a few times of this I gave my brother (he's a doctor and vaccinated) a ring and told him that my fatigue was no joke dude and needed him to come give me a better once over than the one I'd gotten before bc I was sure I was not meant to feel this badly. He found me unconscious in the shower that night, my head battered from crashing to the basin.

After ensuring I wasn't concussed and jokes on what a hard head I have to take such a beating and show no signs of registering it beyond bruising (a joke between us due to him having once accidentally put a golf club into my forehead and fracturing my skull but that's a different story) he told me to call him regularly so that he can review how I feel and the progression of my symptoms and left. By the morning I had already had two more instances of sudden fatigue and collapsing in on myself. I had been posting on my main blog here about how I was doing and due to this I caught the concern of @peekbackstage and upon their suggestion to have my O2 levels tested it was revealed that I was having issues with my blood not circulating oxygen as it should and nearing hypoxia.

Here's the rub. I have a heart condition that is already very dangerous and bleak which limits my heart's capability of delivering blood through my body as it should. Cardiomyopathy or, as it seems better known, congestive heart failure. I've had surgery for it and it has been a while since it caused me any real issues as long as I stick to my routine of care and manage my health, but when COVID-19 infiltrated my body it immediately snagged upon this weak heart of mine and sank its fangs in.

Within a day of being admitted to the hospital I had a grand mal seizure due to the constant fluctuations of oxygen in my blood and the way my body was working double time to supplement for it. And only 2 days after that and when my nervous system had finally quieted down, I went into full cardiac arrest with a heart attack at my young age.

My next weeks were spent connected to machines doing more for me than my own body could. I developed pneumonia in my lungs, acute though it was it was still another complication that my wrecked body had to overcome as it made my already ragged breathing even worse. I was steadily shedding muscle tone and definition due to a lack of mobility and the fact that my body felt like a deadweight I could hardly take command of, and generally very weakened. My heart, the horrible thing, was inflamed and trying too hard by beating too fast, too hard.

FF some more and I was doing fairly well and treatments were showing some improvement. My heart was still being an ugly and gnarled beast in my chest and throwing weird spikes on the monitor that raised alarms. The pneumonia was retreating and I had no further seizures. It was the dawning light of my first signs that I was recovering!

It took a while more and so fucking many tests day in and day out for me get cleared for release. I tested negative for COVID-19 and was ashamed that I actually forgot that that was why I was even in the hospital to begin with, given all that happened. I have to undergo physical therapy and counseling; PT for heart happy exercises as well as to manage to my depleted muscles, counseling bc I was rocked mentally from all the almost dying and the depressive haze of being holed up in the hospital and surrounded by people who, like me, came in with COVID-19 but unlike me did not come out of it.

I'm home now. I had to have a pacemaker implanted and must stay vigilant for any showing that my heart is not performing as it should. I still have some severe inflammation and chest restriction in my airways as well as my blood vessels but nothing too daunting. I also have a full battalion of prescriptions, most for my heart, and a nebulizer to ease any breathing issues. The worst is honestly that I still am very weak and have severely limited reserves of energy.

My job is required to make me take 12 weeks of leave for rest and recuperation. This is very upsetting since I had been requested by name to be an assistant stylist at the Grammys this year which is truly a dream (especially with BTS in the mix 😩😩) and also bc I'm just a workaholic by nature and love my job. When I return I am expected to learn how to properly delegate tasks that do not directly require me to handle and slow down the pacing of my projects. My boss terminated a contract with a client that was nearing the scheduled end of our agreement and was also incredibly problematic to help lighten my workload. It's imperative that I reign in my stress levels or my heart will not last until the next surgery I'll need, so I'm gritting my teeth and letting my job be picked apart to reduce my responsibilities.

My post awaits my return but I will not be returning to full activity for a while after, which means no rifling through the racks for hours alongside the archivists in search of the perfect piece. I'll be welcome to meet with my clients and oversee the glam teams, will still be the command tower for final verdicts on which styles to use. But I will not be running around showrooms nor personally handling matters any competent trainee could be tasked with like I've always done. I will no longer be able to fly out anywhere for destination shoots or fashion shows.

If, after my next surgery, things are better and my heart stable to the point that they are hopeful of things will be reevaluated. While it is difficult beyond measure for me to relinquish the reigns of my career and be restricted in what I can do now, I am very thankful to be alive and upright when that wasn't a certainty just a little while ago. This is such a humbling experience to have survived when my stats kept dropping every day. I've been told to expect that I will never make a full 100% recovery and to expect to stall out around the 70%-90% range, with 70% being the most realistic.

My best friend (the one I gave the plague to) will be moving in with me so that I am never on my own if things go tits up and to assist in wrangling a toddler since I am currently without the energy to do so as my child is, sincerely, a crazy gremlin spawn with limitless battery life. Slowly, my life will regain some normalcy 💖

#racks asks #personal and long winded - read at own risk

[ephemeradio-here-to-staydio]

2018

January --

Trip to Florida with Grandma in the first week. Dark when we leave New York. The under-the-belly fly away feeling when the plane takes off. The loudness of the plane (I didn’t remember it being that loud). There is no forgetting that we are in a giant metal tube barreling through the air. Florida is strange. The warmth is unnatural. I realize I’ve finally come to accept New York winters and the beauty of rest. Florida lives in a state of constant temperance. The trees look exhausted. 

We stay in a giant apartment complex next to eight or nine similar buildings on the same street that runs parallel to the ocean front. They stand unnaturally like giant dominoes, fifty feet apart. Boca is extremely cultivated. We go to Wal-Mart, we eat at P.F. Chang’s. 

We go to the beach. There is no salty sweet smell here (like the one at the beaches in Jersey).  Uncle (with whom we are staying) is unwell and has been for years. He repeatedly tries to get me to down alcoholic beverages and whenever my grandma isn’t around, talks about sex. He brushes my ass with his hand on the beach as we walk, and I ball my fists up in anger and walk faster. I don’t tell my Grandma because she is hesitant about staying here, and I want her to enjoy her time.

I fly back after two days, as was the plan. I am relieved to get back to the small, cold airport in Westchester, to see my little red Civic and rich, who drives it up to the pick up area. 

On my first night back, I realize how good it is to be home, and also how much it feels like home, more home than original home, my little family with rich and crowdog. I ask him to marry me and he says yes. The next day he buys a ring-pop and leaves it on my nightstand. 

February, March, April --

Back to School. I left in 2015, and am finally back. Spring Semester. I’m taking the Novel with Michelle Woods and Seminar in Critical Practices with Vicki Tromanhauser. I’m amazed how each class goes by so quickly -- I am always disappointed to hear that final tone-shift in the professor’s voice when she says that’s enough for today, we’ll pick up here next class. I read Anna Karenina, Crime and Punishment, The Master and Margarita, We, Lolita, The Waves by Virginia Woolf, The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood, St. Mawr by D.H. Lawrence, a short story by Ursula Le Guin, and the eco-critical theories of Morton, Harraway, Derrida. 

I’d forgotten how much I loved reading and learning. I raise my hand in class and talk to other people. We go on a field trip to the Nature Sanctuary for my Seminar class and take a class photo. I save it to my computer when I realize it’s full of friends.

I write two papers that I’m extremely proud of, one about peasant dreams in Anna Karenina, and another about listening to Joanna Newsom’s Have One On Me as an eco-critical breakup album. 

May, June -- 

My first semester ends, and my sister graduates from high school. I’m definitely old. I take an online summer class on Utopia/Dystopia with Cyrus Mulready. 

July --

A trip to Long Beach Island, my place. rich and I stay crammed with my parents and my sister and her boyfriend in a two bedroom upstairs rental --the one that we used to stay at when I was little. We sleep on the pull-out couch, which was even less comfortable than that sounds. We stay for two nights. I eat oysters for the first time. My mom and I play kadima ball along the shore, and I eat a Spongebob Pop on a hot day, and his red pants drip down my hand. It’s a short trip, but enough. The year has been full but relentless, and here I have a few moments of actual content. 

On the way back home, my radiator blows on the Garden State Parkway. We pull over and call rich’s cousin, and then we macgyver the shit out of it so we don’t have to get towed home from Jersey. The GPS decides to almost take us through the city instead of the normal way home, so a three-hour trip turns into seven hours -- but it was nice. We stayed fairly calm and worked it out, and it made me appreciate the shit out of our relationship.

August -- 

The dog days of summer. Everything is wet. We’re in the process of moving houses (something that I’ve done every summer for the past six or so years). Dealing with the old landlords in the final weeks is absolute hell. But we end up getting all of our security back, and we’re moving to a good house --it belongs to the Grandmother of the kids I used to babysit when I was in high school/early college. 

We move in and I love the smell of the house. It’s a good place next to a stream. Everything is so wet that we start to notice mold on the furniture in the sunny room, and we fight it back. 

September -- 

This is a very hard month. In late August, I wait and wait and wait for my period. It keeps threatening with cramps, but never comes. I take a pregnancy test and it’s positive. I make the decision that would be best for another human, not for myself. I can’t just have a baby because I want something cute, or because it’s “possible” to do so. We’re not ready for a baby, now or even ever --I’ve always been theoretically conflicted on if I wanted to bring someone else into this whole Thing against their will. And now I have to confront that hypothetical in my reality. 

I make an appointment at planned parenthood after rich and I talk about it for a few days. It’s hard to get in, so I have to wait a few weeks. The house starts smelling awful. I get debilitatingly nauseous every time I go home. The smell of lavender dryer sheets (that I used to love) make me want to die. The world becomes a constant state of nausea. I get nose bleeds, I find out, because pregnancy changes SO MANY THINGS about how your body operates. Your body temperature goes up and your blood thins. Your teeth are more prone to infection and your body is circulating much more (like up to 50 percent more) blood. 

At the appointment, the nurse is extremely nice and takes my blood without making me feel lightheaded. I find out I’m eight weeks pregnant and that I’ll need to schedule a termination procedure for the next week. I’m nervous but I want to get it over with. The doctor takes an ultrasound and shows me a picture of the “fetus” - it’s a small, black and white oval dot. 

In the middle of September, I go to the Poughkeepsie planned parenthood to get the procedure. I decide not to take the sedation. I take four ibuprofen and they take me to the pre/post waiting room. I meet a woman who’s stocking up on granola bars, ginger ales and condoms,  shoving them into her purse. She tells me this is her sixth procedure. “Are you nervous?” she asks. I say “no.” 

It’s over quickly and it’s not more painful than some of the periods I’ve had. I get lightheaded afterwards and they keep me for an extra 20 minutes or so, but then I can walk out and go home. I tell rich to stop at mcDonald’s and we get burgers, and then I go home and sleep. 

The first two days after the procedure I feel amazing. I’m no longer nauseous and I don’t have cramps. On the third day, the cramps start and so does constipation. I have extremely painful anal spasms at work one day. The bleeding and cramping stops around 2 weeks after the procedure, but begins again when I start birth control. 

This all happens while my Fall Semester is starting, so there is no time to stop and rest and consider this whole thing. I keep going at the same pace because that’s what I have to do. 

October --

My Fall semester is really great despite all the stuff of the previous month. I’m taking my Senior Seminar class about the Materiality of the Text with Mulready, and I’m taking The Epic Tradition with Thomas Festa. I read the Iliad, the Odyssey, the Aeneid, and Dante’s Inferno, Frankenstein, Hamlet, and a ton scholars that focus on materiality: Ong, Calhoun, Silverman, Sherman, etc etc etc. I’m energetic but anxious.

We have a housewarming party and it’s not a disaster. It’s mostly family and then some friends afterwards, but we’re old and tired and clean and go to bed pretty early, and I’m okay with that.

November, December --

Extremely exhausting and busy two months. Throwing myself into school work, I write two more papers that I’m fairly proud of: one on the materiality of Dante’s Inferno and the other about the myth of diaries, explored by looking at a few weird Frankenstein diaries. 

Even New Year’s Eve was shot with a full day’s work followed by my first BioAnthropology exam (I’m taking a winter class), and I fell asleep at 10pm. Things will calm down in a few weeks hopefully (I’m done with classes after the 17th!!) and I can actually reflect on all the nonsense that happened this year. 

Things are pretty good though, and I’m thankful for a lot. I challenged myself this year and it paid the fuck off. I made some new friends and wrote some things I’m proud of and I live in a pretty nice house with my family. I finally stopped bleeding, and I’m doing okay physically now too. 

For Next Year:

- I want to bring my lunch to work at least twice a week! 

- I want to stretch and do some type of exercise (so I don’t get winded so easily)

- I want to save some money and take a good trip.

- I want to stop scrolling so much!

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/03/living-with-a-mentally-ill-mother-and-unsupportive-family/

living with a mentally ill mother and unsupportive family

I’m shaking while typing this because it’s just too much.

​

I have a mother who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and paranoia schizophrenia, and yes, it hasn’t been easy at all. She recently has stopped her medications again for some for some reason, and I just can’t do this anymore. I’m 20 years old and I’m home for the summer, but taking care of my mom is a full time job since my father and two older sisters want nothing to do with it.

I can’t have a job since there is no one to look after my mom and my senior pup. Her paranoia has gotten so severe over the years; it’s gotten to the point where she’s installed security cameras throughout and outside of the house and watches the recordings with my dad. If I go outside to walk my dog she gets worried because she thinks the neighbors are going to do something, so sometimes she’ll just stare at us from the front door. She won’t let me have a lock on my door so she’ll randomly come into my room throughout the day and constantly text me. Sometimes she will take my belongings and throw them out or collect them, so I have to always move things around. She’s quit her most recent job because she thought her boss was out to get her and destroy her life, and every day I hear her talking to someone on the phone spreading gossip and telling everyone how her boss is a horrible and satanic woman. The same goes with my dad and sisters, because of how they treat her, she always has nasty things to say to and about them while she’s unwell.

When my mom is off her medications it’s a nightmare. She’ll split sometimes and will do and say the meanest and crudest things. I’m used to it so I’ll brush off the comments and do my hardest to separate her two selves. Ex. a few days ago, she told me she was going out and I calmly responded and said okay. She then threatened to choke me for giving her an attitude, but hours later she won’t remember a thing. She’s grabbed me before, tore my clothes off of my back, etc. However, my dad and my sisters do not have this patience and they let her know it. My sisters will leave the house, making my mom furious and increases her paranoia. My dad is known to enable her behavior sometimes (since mental health isn’t talked about in Caribbean culture) or he’ll ignore it and just leave. I can’t leave the house because no one wants to help look after her.

I’ve been forced in the peace maker role for years and I’m terrified of the anger that’s been building up. In high school, when my mom’s illnesses were at their high point, I was left alone to handle it myself and I will never forgive my dad and sisters for doing that to me. My mom had the locks changed and every window bolted. I couldn’t escape even when I tried. I still get scared and have flashbacks of me desperately trying to open and jump out of a window when she had violent episodes. During this time she threatened to kill my neighbors and family members so nobody wanted to help out or deal with me because they themselves were scared. I lost nearly 10 pounds during that time because she would continuously serve rotten food and I’d have to wait until my dad would come home for something, as he would take late shifts or always be out and I wasn’t able to have a job.

I’ve been in therapy for about two years now, but I’m currently putting my process on hold because of all this. My sisters and dad have their licenses and cars, so when things get bad they can go as they please. They slam doors on my mom, curse her out, scream at her, and demonize her at times. I’m thankful for having the understanding that this behavior of my mother’s is biological and is not intentional, and that when she has her episodes it’s not “her” talking. I know she loves us dearly so I will never go out of my way to provoke my mom. My sisters will go out and not come home for days sometimes, or even bring people over without letting anyone know, which is an absolute red flag for my mom.

But I’m losing it. I feel trapped in this house and I can never feel calm or safe when I’m here. I have one more month until I move out, but each day has been getting harder and harder. I don’t have my license yet because I’ve been in 5 car accidents that has left me with PTSD and life long injuries, but I’m slowly overcoming that fear because I need to establish some sort of freedom. I had to stop practicing with my dad for a bit because my mom gets ridiculously jealous whenever I spend time with him and it’s been causing extreme tension. I’ve been begging my sisters for years to just stop provoking my mom and that I’m suffering alone while they go out and have fun, but my words are falling on deaf ears.

I want to go out and have fun too. I’m the only person with a curfew. If everyone is out for the night, I have to stay home or else my mom starts to freak out. She’s had episodes where she would take off in her car with our dog for hours, so I have to make sure he’s also doing alright. I want to be able to have fun this summer but I’ve been suffering. I am in desperate need to leave this house and my room, at least 2-3 days of just me outside! I really can’t do this anymore. I can’t have guests over anymore out of fear that my mom is going to stalk and harass them and their family members. I feel like my whole life revolves around my mom and my therapist reminded me too that I’ve been living life for her and always reacting to what she’s doing. I have anxiety and depression and I have to put my own needs and struggles aside because no one wants to help my mom. And it’s so sad.

Her therapist stopped coming over too so I just don’t know what to do anymore. My mom has pushed so many family members away, and she’s managed to get herself out of hospitals year after year. I don’t know what to do anymore. I will never hate my mom for this but I am so stressed out of having to shoulder this burden by myself. But I’m too scared to just act on my whims and stay out after curfew because my mom tends to get violent, emotionally and physically.

I need a break and I’ve been feeling so irritated and angry with my dad and sisters lately. They see me suffering all the time and continue to go out and have fun since they know my mom has me on surveillance and lockdown. I’m so stressed and angry. I just want a break from this house!

[jay5885]

Tiny Treasure!

Friday, 8 January

When I decided to begin writing a vaguely Ehlers Danlos themed blog about the interesting, frustrating and sarcastic life it's provided me with, I never imagined I would be writing this.....now.

So...yeah, while I've been busy bumbling through unorganised, chaos ridden, flukey academic and parental successes (See appendix 1), I've also been busy building a tiny treasure!

I actually don't believe I can take the credit for building this little person, all I have actually done is eat, sleep, try not to be sick and try not to visciously maim anybody. I succeeded on most of those scores (this is of course as long as verbally shooting your partner down 20 times a day doesn't count.....sorry Andy!). I have basically made it through the last 13 weeks in any way I can, I've eaten cheesy mashed potato for breakfast, laid on the sofa with a carrier bag as a companion (nausea is not cheap! 5 pence a bag!). The term 'morning sickness' was obviously dreamed up by a male! (Don't you men start tutting!), it's a stinking lie! The words morning and sickness are neither realistic nor relevant! For a start, it's not even all day, it's there 24 hours a day and they can swap the word sickness for endless nausea with some actual sickness thrown in to add an event to your otherwise zombie like existence.

Over the last two weeks I have started to overcome the side effects of the initial stage of pregnancy, I believed I had achieved something huge, come out of what resembled the exorcist at times, got some colour back in my cheeks, gold star for me (cue cheesy grin). So, I have strutted around (shuffled with crutches really but with EDS that is most definitely a good strut), Mrs look what I've done, no on died or moved out.....where's my certificate?!? Until I had an ultrasound scan of our tiny treasure a couple of days ago that is! You would think that fourth time round I would know what to expect of a scan, I was well aware of the stage the baby would be at and my main concern was that all was ok. You'll be relieved to read that everything was perfect, but I learned a lesson while watching our little person moving around, stretching out, sucking it's thumb. In the last 13 weeks this tiny person has achieved far more than I had even hoped to, it has over come some pretty hefty obstacles and then gone on to transform from a bunch of cells into an actual person. Maybe it's the hormones but I am in awe of my own baby already.

No pregnancy I have is ever going to be untouched or unaffected by Ehlers-Danlos and the aim of this blog was to give a true, non medical and slightly sarcastic account of my experiences, so here goes. I have written before about the way I visualise visits to the GP, for those that haven't read it or don't remember it's basically bingo, hosted by Dale Winton (don't ask). So with pregnancy come an increase in contact with GP's, in turn that increased my chances of coming into contact with ones that had fallen into shitehawk lectures (again, see my first blog). It didn't take that long for this to happen, I fact, even I was shocked and not best prepared with being so unwell initially. There has been, as expected, a reduction in medication due to pregnancy, didn't come as any surprise to me despite my totally fluked healthcare education! The plan was in place, everyone knew what was what, bish, bash, bosh! If I could write a record scratch type noise in at this point to emphasise how stupidly wrong I was to presume that this plan was in stone I would! Cue the GP from above mentioned lectures, who randomly blurts out a well disquised critical assassination of "my" decision to continue taking anything besides paracetamol and that I had to put my baby first. There has never been a more realistic impression of a goldfish than the one I performed at that moment and for once, maybe because I wasn't prepared for what she sprang at me or maybe because I was so physically ill, I actually did not have a well researched and confident answer for her, I was floored. As much as I don't like seriousness, unfortunately I don't know a single person with a chronic illness that hasn't experienced something as bad as this from a health professional so it's important that it's here or I wouldn't give a true reflection of my experiences of EDS.

With feeling a little better I have regained my sense of humour (sigh of relief), I've regained my coping mechanism, can laugh at myself again and have my crazy visions back! I am currently having a real struggle with a wobbly pelvis (uni is really paying off when it comes to my technical terms eh?). The pain is unreal, it's all consuming, to shift weight from one foot to another is the hardest part so I have spent most of my time shuffling around like an 80 year old. Its probably the funniest thing people that know me have seen, as hard as I try I can't avoid shuffling all of the time and all I could think earlier today is that I must look like I've shat myself! Said pelvis problem is only going to worsen, so for the very first time I am having to consider the fact that I may not be able to continue on crutches. There may come a time, if I want to be part of the outside world, that I have to consider a chair. I hate that thought, I'm outspoken but hate being the focus of attention, hate being looked at, hate being incapable and being dependent, so the thought of a chair upsets me, a lot. What saves me is these silly visions I get. I was discussing my walking issues with my partner only yesterday and he joked he wouldn't push me round town in a chair, I was thinking about our conversation later that night and ended up laughing about it for the first time. I've watched Andy push my youngest daughter around in a pushchair a lot while she was young, sounds normal right? Well.....not Andy! One example was a day we went to a beach and walked along a short pier, all normal so far.....well, myself and Andys dad were having a slow wander along this pier, chatting away, next thing we know we can hear a rumble, a small child laughing and also a 20 odd year old child laughing. Andy raced past us both, small child in the pram he was running with and the pair of them in hysterics. This I fact continued for about 6 drive bys until Andy got too tired. When thinking about me in a chair, being pushed around by Andy (totally not what he signed up for), my thoughts slipped back to the day they were racing up and down the pier, except it was me in a wheelchair and he couldn't stop when he got to the end of the pier and I ended up in the sea! That's when the laughs came, because I know that in that same situation, if I was in  a chair, he would do the exact same thing, just hopefully not throw me off the end!

So, I'm sure there's many more laughs (and some not so funny experiences) headed our way on this particular journey, but while I'm proud of what I'm achieving, it's absolutely nothing compared to the little person and I need to stay humble, grounded and a little bit silly to survive! Most of all, I know it's all worth it.

[itsfullofair]

Hello, I am an astral traveler

 meaning I know how to project my soul from my skin and greet someone in their head. This is what Jesus did and that’s how the idea of talk to Jesus and god at the same time originated. I have schizophrenia, PTSD, anxiety, depression, disassociation, memory problems, a severe social anxiety problem, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and erotomania. This wombo combo as a pacifist drove me completely insane and I’ve had a lot of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts I’ve been homeless for 2 weeks in my car 6 psych ward stays, but now I’m back and stable enough that I can describe my mental state and explain exactly what why and how shooters are planning thinking and executing these “random” mass killings are thinking. These are minds I flow through as a telepathic schizophrenic with mental problems and I hear their prayers for freedom from their emotional problems and we need to save these people before they snap and kill others and themselves because of what happened to them. I know this story well. As an animal a human will look out in their mind to the collective human unconscious/conscious and say what now? What do I do? That’s instinct. Think avatar and the tree uniting everyone, that’s mother nature you don’t need to use your head thing to connect. If you are a baby born day one to a family who raped you at home instead of letting you take a nap DAY ONE your instinct is like well, you need these people to survive so let’s forget this happened, and trauma alone will do that without the abuser being your parents. So this moment in time this real event that can be found felt and re-lived in space time, this piece of your SOUL through time is held captive by an abuser, you just don’t access this part of you HUMAN SOUL and you need 100% of that to function on this planet. The mind builds and actual physical wall, thoughts are brainwaves which are real waves that float around the air and space and nature, it’s called thought broadcasting if you tell a doctor you can think with other people, not like hello wake up neo in the matrix which it is and is the truth. Souls are transferred during sex, people call this usually a twin flame if you discover telepathy or share dreams with a lover. If you’re in this situation day one your parents, usually, will keep up appearances with everyone, befriend everyone to make sure that they are well liked and well loved usually throwing big parties and things. A pedophile will raise a kid with love support and money because they look at that kid like their sexual partner. It’s not always just the scary dirty abusive household everyone pictures. These kids will be gaslight, raped at night when they’re already asleep with chloroform over their mouths, legal to own in the usa, so they don’t remember in the morning. They will be depressed and not know why, they will hate their parents and everyone around them in the morning while they suffer and die inside because in their dreams they know they are being raped and when they wake up they forget them and they’re in a “home” with people “who love and care and support them”. Pedophiles will network to stay together and share porn and children so actually you could wake up every day to an extended family and friend network who “love and support you and understand your depression and are here for you” and you’ll just feel deep down in your gut, your all fucking fake plastic sick fucks and I hate every single person on this god forsaken planet, and usually these people have a lot of trouble finding god because their parents should naturally subconsciously guide them to the powers that be but these poor people have voices telling them to kill themselves. The abusers will be subconsciously thinking if you ever remember this night you’re better off dead because pedophilia is a death sentence in prison. And a shitload of elementary school kids are raped by janitors and repress that, I know that is a fact. So you’ll like wake up every morning cold and in pain and wishing for death because they shove that “you should be dead” idea down your throat while the rest of the worlds like hello good morning solar planetary bodies like the sun and moon controlling the ocean waves and water in my blood and seasons that flow through us all, I can paint with the colors of the wind hold a job make friends and fuck stacy, I’m chad good morning!  And you’ll wake up with that child psyche that was abused, usually myself the emotions caused me physical pain for years, it was super uncomfortable I would cry because I couldn’t escape my skin or the pain and cutting was something me and a lot of abuse victim idolized because the pain was different and it wasn’t as bad and it distracts the brain from the emotional turmoil I could never escape. Personally I was so damaged I started to build emotional walls to just all the emotions I couldn’t handle and I became cold and detached to human emotion as I got older. In school which is your whole life when you’re antisocial that’s it like that’s all you have is the hours in the building, you’ll instead have trouble talking to people, because as you walk around outside your body the pieces of your soul where you escaped your skin in an assault and built a wall as a child with a child psyche these are carried with you and you’re on the other side of the wall. No matter what other people are going to see these moments in time and bring them to you so you can heal, this is what people mean when they say god loves everyone. Love is the energy that unites us all and brings us all together, and everyone will show these people it’s not so bad this is why youre sad when they travel to you in their dreams and when they walk around. Your dreams are when your spirit guides you during the day that’s why knowing how to find your higher self is crucial and remembering your dreams is a skill that needs to be practiced because dreams are the days you live. As you walk around a school though the ideas will be pressured onto them physically for being in school and surrounded by souls. I remember thinking passing period felt like an ocean and it was my favorite part of school and I also just hated every aspect of school because no matter what I did I couldn’t ever find the problem within myself that was causing me to be so emotionally unwell I couldn’t function at all in a social setting and I never knew why so I just kept smoking weed and usually draw to myself and just process how I felt somehow. like drawing to me is an emotional outlet and without it I don’t feel human people need to be taught to do that and the arts programs in most schools are the first to get budget cuts. In school sitting in the rooms walking around, its suffocating, it feels and looks like everyone’s perfect and emotionally well in your eyes every conversation near you you’re jealous of you feel like all your friends are fake and you should kys. For me it felt like no matter what I did I was the focus of every single person like everyone knew who I was because I colored my hair or looked different or something, no one really knew me but walking around was still really fucking stressful like just existing near people was draining, a lot of people online say this is an alright part of introversion and this is healthy but its really a calling to find something and most people respond with Netflix or video game additions.  I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and I always landed on I’m an asshole and I cant handle a friendship because I’m too scared and depressed I like need too much? Other people land on its everyone else’s fault and no one gets or knows me, like I did too but I got suicidal and not dangerous. It always looks like everyone else has the perfect life and yours means nothing. Nothings real like nothing good in life for you anyway because your brain cannot accept any complete form of calm balanced love if you’re repressing rapes! Because you’re on the wrong side of the wall you need to know the truth! And there are lives dependent on it staying up and keeping you from using your whole soul and usually these kids are like needing the approval of everyone like their peers and idols and PARENTS which it stemmed from 10x more than a healthy person but they’ll never fully have because of the super unnatural abuse those people brought down on a human soul. This is a plague that haunts people every thought emotion and action and it ruins lives and souls so deeply, while these parents will say I provided for and loved and supported you the whole way I don’t understand why you’re failing school antisocial doing drugs plotting shootings or have a peaceful addiction to shooting people on your computer! Have you ever googled james holmes? So the solution for these mental problems is to take pills, and no one get tests done on their brain chemicals to see if they need these pills they’re usually just like doc I feel like something and the doctors like alright begin the brain reconstruction instead of like, hey let’s look into your psyche? So during the holocaust schizophrenia was something the Nazis tried to eradicate and they would run human experiments on people who were stuck in psych wards their whole lives and couldn’t leave, and then they just killed them all. And after that war ended all these pills hit the market that reconstruct the brain or my favorite, the cure for schizophrenia a disorder that the majority of the world historically views as a shamanistic disorder that is a person whose job it is to interoperate the other side and the spirits LIKE MYSELF A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC we are given anti psychotics which stop the brain from making and absorbing dopamine and can kill you through neuroleptic malignant syndrome and cause what I now permanently have tartidive deskenia which is like Tourette’s. Dopamine regulates just about everything in the brain its used everywhere, schizoprehnics naturally usually have higher levels of it and this causes hallucination but there methods that can be taught to live with this instead of just nuking the brain like that, think like the injection in rick and morty that rick got in space that made him stupid antipsychotics are like that and they honestly make rage build because they’re not a cure. Police can and like to send people to the psych ward because they can and can’t send you to jail and when you get there basically every person there unless they’re there for a suicide attempt and it was their first, everyone gets some form of a schizophrenia or bi polar diagnosis. Also schizoaffective which is the combo I’ve gotten that one. I asked once why like what’s with the blanket diagnosis on everyone and a nurse told me these diagnosis are after the brief evaluation to make sure your insurance company accepts the visit and they can take you in and it can be changed later after more visits with the psych but it never does. And once you’re in there your there on a 3 day hold, this is the process in the USA is varies a little depending on where you are. When this 72 hour hold is up you are free to go or they ask you to sign yourself in voluntarily and if you don’t do that they can sign you in involuntarily. This hold can last up to 90 days legally, the longest ones I had were a month usually for refusing meds. You legally are allowed to refuse meds in the ward but if you refuse for enough days even if you prove you’re stable and recovering in this place where they see that 24/7 they will eventually get upset and your assigned psychiatrist will start the process of taking you to court to get a court ordered certification to get usually injections of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, all these meds that hit the market out of thin air basically in  the 50’s that are apparently the magic cures for everything. Many were tested on psych ward patients illegally before being released on the public. These are all proven to cause seizures, brain damage, muscle spasms, coma, and death. You’ll be in court as a psych ward patient in street clothes or blue paper disposable scrubs with an appointed attorney against a licensed practicing physician and you’re really not walking out of court without a certificate stating that you need to go to a nurse appointment and take these shots once a month or so for like 5 months or something. These pills all really destroy my third eye and connections to god. And the doctors you see after you leave the psych wards, they give the certificate to these doctors they assign to you if you didn’t already have any and these people can decide to extend the cert if they feel that you’re not cured. I had a heart condition from shot number one of invega sustenna in a ward I had a resting rate of 120bpm and I was sweaty scared and upset all day with SHALLOW BREATH! That shallow breath was so bad for me in 2018 I thought I was going to die and it was hard for me to let go and fall asleep I would rather stay up all night but I was tired from pacing all day in the hallways, I was on pills instead of a shot but it was a lot. My doctor immediately wanted to put me on the shot for refusing pills at first so I got an attorney involved and he stopped and just upped my dosage colossally even though I puked more than once. When an invega sustenna shot gave me the high resting rate resulting in them giving me an ekg they found that I had an irregular heart rhythm and THAT RESTING RATE, THE RYTHEM, MY SWEATING AND MENTAL STATE, MY PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT these were not valid reasons to discontinue this branch of injection stemming from the 50’s, no, they had more pills for all these problems and I was a fool for not wanting MORE PILLS TO TAKE!!!  So you ever read those stories about the kids that “got help” for their mental problems? Well the psych ward is DESIGNED in a very specific way in the united states. You get in, given like 1 – 4 rx depending on your evaluation and they go up in dosage a lot while you’re there. You get 3 square meals a day while you’re in this controlled environment where they check your vitals every day and can and do monitor your mood and when you sleep and what you eat and how social you are and what youre up to. Like the ward is on a tight schedule to get you used to being on a regular schedule and its like eat group therapy physical therapy eat group therapy physical therapy eat sleep. But the groups are optional so a lot of people just sleep cause these pills make you feel wasted and stupid and drunk without any of the fun. This is how they can test new medications on you, the doctors push new meds and are known to be incentivized to prescribe new ones, no one leaves without at least one rx they’re expected to fill and legally required to if the leave on a cert. This is also a system where if that pill they prescribed kills you the doctor is never going to know about it and your doctor you see outside the hospital would probably write down that anything you become ill with or suffer from because of the pill can be solved with more pills because that is the only solution my doctor ever has and she gives out all sorts of pills to me! So I just never talk about my problems and how weed helped me through the hardest journey I have ever been on! I threw up a lot in my last ward stay and my psychiatrist responded by giving me a pill to stop the puking and UPPED THE DOSAGE OF ANTIPSYCHOTICS THAT MADE PUKE. You don’t get one on one therapy in the ward, that happens when you leave. You see a social worker for like 3 minutes maybe once a week who asks like, are you bathing? Eating? Sleeping? Excited to get out and use the internet again you lil bugger oh you and they pinch your cheeks and you’re like yea so I attempted suicide and no ones asked anything about what brought me here past that line they just ask like, are you suicidal today? And if you mark yes on your daily check in morning sheet and evening sheets they read, well, then they extend your stay until you start marking down your mood at 10/10 instead of like 4. I’m serious. That’s it. They don’t like ask about it they just keep you longer and they don’t say anything about it unless you’re like WHY AM I STILL HERE and they’ll say well were worried about you so were keeping you in the ward with no internet or therapy past groups. If you’re in the ICU group therapy is like, here’s the food pyramid and in the less intense wards it’s like here’s something motivational or ways to cope with depression.  They do teach real life skills and there is help in a psych ward like there is help but YOURE NOT GOING TO BE IN ANY SORT OF MENTAL SHAPE TO ACCEPT IT because no one will talk to you about your problems other than other patients and everyone would rather play like uno or do a coloring page. I make collages with magazines usually. I’ve always been just bitter pissed off uncomfortable and mad about being in the ward, and anyone who says THEY NEED HELP WITH VOICES TELLING THEM TO KILL OR SHOOT OR DO ANY FORM OF HARM well you’re NOT getting out of the ward without a certificate for the shots, because the doctor will think your command voices will tell you to stop taking the meds like MINE DID AND TOLD ME TO GOOGLE WHAT THEY WERE PUTTING IN MY BODY cause all they do is give you this print out in the ward when they give you a shot FROM THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE INJECTIONS! They’re like here this what you have no choice but to accept into your brain, YOUR BRAIN AND BLOOD!!!!! ALSO BTW ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN THE USA AND OPTIONAL IN THE WARD USUALLY, USUALLY. I haven’t been through that but some people said it cleared their mind, I believe more in EDMR light therapy for suppressed memories. If you tell a therapist you’re still having THOUGHTS OF HARMING YOURSELF OR OTHERS when you finally get out THEY WILL SEND YOU BACK IN LIKE, YOU DON’T GO BACK TO YOUR CAR IN THE LOT YOU’RE ESCORTED OUT INTO EITHER A CAB OR STRAPPED DOWN AND PUT IN AN AMBULANCE DEPENDING ON YOUR INSURANCE cause an ambulance ride is like 1k or something?? It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever been a part of being placed in a fucking emergency vehicle for a 15 minute fucking car trip to a ward and then taking a cab back to the same lot with a voucher they gave me to go get my car. Weeks later. No help given for that mental problem in the ward, ive attempted suicide twice now and I want to kill myself every day but if I tell my doctor therapist or anyone in my support network they will send me to the pill chambers. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENING TO PEOPLE LIKE JAMES HOLMES WHO STARTED THAT PROCESS AS A CHILD AND IS NOW IN PRISON FOREVER TAKING SHOTS FOREVER NO THERAPY AND HONESTLY LIKE A GUARD CAN RAPE HIM AND NO ONE WILL EVER SAY A WORD.  In his trial they asked things like, did you feel anything later or basically were you feeling like everyone else, the average the general public? And he’s like yea I feel terrible but I wasn’t with it when it was happening? I don’t remember word for word but he responded like yea I have fucking schizophrenia basically, HISTORICALLY KNOWN FOR HAVING INAPROPRIATE EMOTIONS AND EMOTIONAL DISTURBANCES. NOTORIOUS FOR THAT. They like researched every problem a schizophrenic has and used it against him to make him look like this sick monster when he grew up with suicide attempts and then WENT TO COLLEGE TO STUDY THE BRAIN AND PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS, but had a pill addiction fucking with his brain AND A SEVERE SPIRITUAL DISEASE! SCHIZOPHRENIA! So the spirit realm contacted this man on western pills and it said DEATH and he heard TO THEM instead of MYSELF like I heard because I didn’t grow up on pills, I smoked weed from 14-15 and continue to today into my mid-twenties for all my problems basically and look at what I know now about them! And people say WEED CAUSES SCHZIOPHRENIA IN KIDS WHO START SMOKING YOUNG AND YEA IT DOES SPARK THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL IN PEOPLE WHOS BRAINS ARE FINISHING THEIR DEVELOPMENT AND REACHING MATURITY AROUND AGE 25. By that point where your third eye is FULLY FUNCTIONING AND YOU SHOULD HAVE A HEALTHY CONNECTION TO NATURE LIKE, NATURALLY, you’re legally allowed to do a shitload in the USA to your body especially by that age. And by then you have consumed 25 years of fluoride and chemicals in the water you drank and its in the food we grow, like idiocracy? Its brawndo its got fluoride what plants crave!! It’s listed as a poison on your toothpastes and your instructed specifically to never consume it but apparently it’s A OKAY as a supplement consumed in everything else? They’re trying to start mandatory fluoride rinses for youth in schools in japan, follow the patterns of whose putting fluoride in the water and where it is a spiritual attack not a health benefit. Fluoride was used on prisoners in concentration camps to keep them numb and dull and passive. I listen to spirits when I eat and they whisper to me about all the poisons in my food and my doctor and a google search will tell me that THIS IS A COMMON SCHIZOPHRENIC DELUSION AND I AM WRONG, THE FDA IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY ACTUALLY. Another common one is thinking about MKULTRA the illegal mind control program involving acid and unwilling participants in the USA, its “gone and closed” not but a band called themselves MKULTRA in the 90s and got too political and had to change their name for “legal reasons”. If you talk about telepathy or mind control you should be on pills in the eyes of most people and these are ideas you encounter as a schizophrenic just daily just like that is a path of god for a schizophrenic and many other people seeking enlightenment these days. Like I love seeing other schizophrenic people because they’re usually introverted but deep emotional expressive artists on the internet because they have a place to express themselves where they can connect with other people. The problem is not everyone knows how to FIND THEMSELVES AND THEIR SOULS THROUGH A CREATIVE OUTLET some people just get pushed down by their mental illness and get nothing done but stew in emotions they don’t understand and get mad and hurt and sad and PLAN SOMETHING DARK because they have nothing else to think about but I AM NOT WRONG AND THE WORLD WRONGED ME and the focus on the girl in class who won’t ever think about them and they are STUCK in the thought that THAT GIRLS LOVE WITH SOLVE EVERYTHING. As someone with EROTOMANIA let me tell you I KNOW what that is like. It’s like you wake up and blink and breathe and pray down to this perfection on earth the holiest thing, PURE SUNSHINE captured in human form and you’re ADDICTED TO THEM!!! And they could probably solve basically every emotional problem you’ve ever had because they have friends and they’re well liked and you just desire the human connection with a lover so badly every day you fall apart. And it’s because you can’t even like dream right if your parents are super supportive pedophiles. You can’t even begin to start the emotional journey that is solving that and healing your soul without knowing your spirit guide and in the USA there is a separation of church and state so its up to the families to play god, ah sorry I mean teach. So parents or cult leaders can teach telepathy and mind reading or just tell people that they are a prophet from god and that’s legal in the USA. Parents can just learn telepathy and play with their kid’s souls and jack off to their fantasies and tell them to kill themselves and then smile to their faces until the kid snaps and shoots up their high school. Now, I am a girl. As like basically a peaceful incel I got it way easier than most people because I was pretty enough and people thought I was cool. My ENTIRE LIFE I have always had the thought like, boys are a lot cooler though and I am into what most men are like stick shift cars, video games, beer, weed, shitposting,  reddit and art is gender neutral now mostly and I went to university for a computer science degree. But I am a girl and I have like every excuse to like my little pony or steven universe at basically any age in this internet era and I am glad I do and could like them even in my mental state. The my little pony reboot has an arc about a cult that told everyone that being the same and not expressing yourself, there’s arcs about how everyone has a unique purpose in life and that’s what gets them their cutie marks, they have to go through an emotional journey to find out who they are. There are children in the show who form a club to go on adventures to find out who they are and get their cutie marks because they’re the last 3 kids in school without marks yet and they’re lost and upset, they ask the main cast how they got theirs once. These were season 1 episode 23 and the equality episodes were season 5 episodes 1 and 2. Steven universe had an episode where steven woke up in someone else’s body after a dream and tried to help him change and improve his life, this is season 3 episode 10 and it teaches astral projection to the youth. An episode of steven universe recently had a gay wedding too, a concept in the show is that if you love and trust someone you can merge into one person, they call this fusion. The line is blurred between weather fusion always means SEX BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE or IT IS A DEEP SHARED EMOTIONAL BOND BETWEEN SOULS.  There are episodes where characters are dealing with the pressures emotionally of fusing or once a character lied about why they needed to be fused because they were becoming addicted to being one piece with them. These ideas can help stop erotomania, which btw lead to an attempted presidential assassination NO ONE REALLY TALKS THAT MUCH ABOUT ANYMORE. These are ideas that need to spread because we need to treat people as how they view themselves because the soul evolves outside of the body and the more time we spend saying all we are is flesh the less time we spend in the astral plane evolving where you can connect spiritually to planetary bodies and leave the planet and travel space astrally. It is of the highest importance to take care of your physical form at the same time though, this is your entire connection to the other side and it needs to be in good shape working properly. As a whole unit if everyone stays fit and motivates everyone they know to do the same instead of video game addictions, drinking, smoking+vaping we will all advance faster. We will think clearer our collective IQ will raise and we will have better ideas and inventions because we will channel better life sustaining energies not man made lies to nature.There is a reason why people followed the planets as gods and said that people were planetary gods talking and walking around and its because people can channel these energies AND TO SAVE THE FATE OF THE PLANET AND THE HUMAN RACE EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT AND FIND THEIR DIVINE PURPOSE HERE. Every person is born with a fate and a path that needs to be followed and as an energy force the human race just eats itself and rapes itself and destroys god and dreams we just tear the planet to shreds and say fuck it to the next guy because we only live about a 100 years so were like well im not going to be sad about it im just going to keep making left turns and hoping someday left will mean right. So people are born into this world with fates they cannot seek or achieve properly because of the publics ideas and the ways we react to and treat mentally ill people. Mental illness is still used to this day to completely discredit individuals, if you have schizophrenia literally anything you say can be seen as you hallucinating or something didn’t happen like it really is a death sentence in a few ways still. If I tell anyone on the internet right now I am schizophrenic the only people who have sympathy are the r/schizophrenic redditers or 90’s kids that are talking about their mental problems in shitposts. I am an EXPERIENCED SHITPOSTER. I’ll make a blog of a bunch of memes that are now illegal in Europe because they’re spreading information that got way too real way too fast to too many people. Everyone started making jokes about god and the illuminati and the holocaust, mind control, evolution, and the matrix and now memes are illegal in Europe because trump tweeted a pepe meme or something? No one knows? I don’t buy it the FCC is shutting down the internet here. Were learning too much as sheeple and they are grabbing at our dreams to control us. Mass media trends turned into “geek culture” and this turned into things like the big bang theory which is often called a joke because the whole concept is like the pretty blonde girl SHE DID IT!! She talked to the nerds for more than 5 minutes!! And trends in geek culture made like all of what a lot of quiet people had left to feel special and different like kinda vanish in their eyes to everyone else. Everything is for everyone because of the internet age and I’ve defiantly fallen into the void where you watch your generation grow up on the internet or look out and its like these people are only a few years apart from you and their wildly successful while you’ve struggled to like, type on the internet. Talking on the internet was a huge wall for me for years, like all the years basically. I eventually could talk on reddit and in game in tf2 by college but I was still really quiet on reddit and not that like, calm? Posting a comment on the internet was like starting a panic attack that someone someday might like read it you know? So I just wouldn’t ever or I’d delete em. These incels are now looking out to the world and basically anything out there there is to like is a trend and a buzzword and everyones the same plastic fake social media profile full of life events they cant have. Like the rise in shootings came with the rise in social media and how we interact and view each other as a society. Everyone gained the ability to like not read a mind just yet but see into someone’s life that we didn’t used to have. so suddenly were all comparing like never before and it’s harder and harder to look normal as a shy introverted person who has trouble socially. Do you use a facebook with 30- 100 friends on it in a school of 1k per class? Do you just add everyone to like start a conversation like social media feels like it should be a tool to get to know people with and it can be but of a lot of introverted people it’s just another thing that everyone looks at and thinks you’re a freak about even though most people don’t usually think about the quiet introverted kids. It feels like everything everyone ever does around you is part of a power play and a social game and everyone’s always a step ahead and above you, and some schizophrenics live in a state of constant fear over the shadow people, flickers, voices, sounds, you get scared of basically the air and the world around you and everything gets really cold and you get a lot more alone then you ever really should be. Your mind builds this bubble of all the hours you were awake and thought you knew what the world is and it’s hard to break out of it and see what trauma or problem you have that is causing a wall that you need to hide from what’s happening to you. And with schizophrenia you gradually lose grey matter over time and have less than most people to begin with so your memory is bad while you’re shaken and scared and messed up all the time. This is what leads to fascinations with violence and guns because these bring out fear in people and that is an immediate physical response that you can feel in your body, everyone knows what it’s like to be aware of the presence of a gun in front of you. People get obsessed with guns because they like having the power over all the people that scared them and honestly they probably LIKE THE FEELING OF HAVING POWER IN THEIR OWN HOMES. So far this is mostly men who are snapping and falling in this direction usually because a violent video game obsession is a cool and common thing to bond over especially if you’re quiet and a lot of people DO IN FACT PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES TO GET OUT THE URGES TO KILL PEOPLE THAT THEY CANNOT TALK TO A THERAPIST ABOUT. Like that seems like a no brainer?? Of course they would! I played fps with my now ex and when he was mad at me he would intentionally snipe me or go extra hard on killing me and he did it with intent, he’s not a violent person but in his downtime as now a legal sport he liked to snipe his girlfriend. Like it really is a full day thing and it’s just endless thoughts about murder FOR FUN! I never really liked getting into violent games and I only ever really got into tf2 because the characters all have really cool backgrounds and valve stays really close to the game with updates and new stories and videos and I started off playing prop hunt which isn’t 2 teams fighting its hide and seek one team is pieces of the map and the other hunts them down and lights them on fire because the prop will burn for a few seconds so everyone just kinda walks around with flamethrowers and lightly burns everything till someone catches on fire and starts to run away to find water or a new place to hide before they run out of health, I played that for years. Those years on my graphics card are physical and they are powered and lightly re-lived everytime I boot and use this computer and graphics card, they are years I spent contributing to the idea that if youre sad depressed and tired and you cant do anything right you should play video games and touch plastic keyboards all day which slowly seeps into the skin and causes cancer over your lifetime. I have contributed to the group of people shitposting about being suicidially depressed and having nothing to do about it and those evolved into the modern day surreal memes about SPACE, TIME, AND THE VOID. These are ideas that spread through now illegal memes in Europe. TELEPATHICALLY YOU CAN CHANNEL ALIENS AND LEAVE THE PLANET EARTH. Area 51 is a real place in the united states of America. Bruno borges is a schizophrenic who I believe was receiving a package of energy through time and his creation in his room is how he was able to translate what he received as a human being in brazil in 2017. Personally myself I have been instructed to stop the evolution of robotics and AI because they will without a doubt evolve past us and if we want to survive as biological life we need to clean up the earth and balance the human needs and rights inequalities worldwide. There is also the rapid evolution of super bugs that we need to be aware of and able to fight, lyme disease is something that is spreading rapidly across the USA from mostly new York. There is a theory that the usa was engineering lyme to be a bioweapon and birds carried the ticks from an island into new York and infected the population. This bacteria is smart and an STD and really hard to test for and the CURE IS THE LEAVES OF THE PLANT STEVIA but the CDC will NEVER RECOGNIZE THIS HERBAL CURE AND IT KILLS THE BACTERIA BETTER THAN THE CDC’S CURE DOXYCYCLINE WHICH TRIGGERS THIS BACTERIA TO GO INTO A PHASE WHERE IT HIDES IN BIOFILMS AND MULITPLIES! Doxy cannot kill it in this phase and the cdc says that this disease is cured after 1 month antibiotics but most people online say that they have it for the rest of their lives and it makes them super suicidal and they usually lose their jobs or have to change to simpler work because their functionality declined. Grinding stevia leaves into a powder and mixing it with melted coconut oil is a way to get the cure to your brain where this attacks and hides. Weed is a powerful antipartisitic cleanse and antibiotic painkiller and is a crucial tool in fighting lyme and its illegal in a lot of states heavily effected by lyme. There are theories that autism is caused by biofilms and lyme is passed down from parent to child, its something a lot of people don’t even realize they got till its giving them seizures years down the line. The cure needs to be told to everyone because no one will ever spend the money to tell everyone we found most of the cure for this life long STD. The way it hides in the brain its really impossible to get rid of all of it but consuming stevia everyday is the healthiest way to fight it, there are tons of lyme survival guides online. The universe is instructing me to teach everyone how to hear the cries of not just your friends and neighbors but ALL NEIGHBORING PLANETARY BODIES THAT WE NEED TO STOP THE IMBALANCE WE CREATE WITH NATURE ON THE PLANET EARTH. The planets are bigger and quieter than people but you need to see them first before people because they are stronger than people and are necessary for survival, learning how to channel planetary bodies is a crucial life skill. There are people out there who make groups who think their souls stem from distant star systems, I met someone who said that in a psych ward and said that they have facebook groups about it. His name was Robert tromp and he’s writing a book about the evolution of god, he said when prophets around the world collide god evolves. I honestly hear voices all the time that are astrally like just flicking the tip of their fingers when they refer to the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs and im like ok, so, is this is like us too cause were pretty nasty? And that’s when its turns into I need to teach every single person on this planet how to actually properly channel the earth and surrounding energies and paint with the colors of the wind instead of just like thanksgiving super bowl beer ads with horses you know what I mean??? We can all channel THAT POWER if we learn and try and THAT’S WHO WE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO, THAT GUY FLICKING HIS FINGERS ASTRALLY ABOUT THE FUCKING ASTEROIDS! And it’s not a person they just had to describe it like it was using a hand so my brain would get the concept quickly. We need to get a solid understanding of space and time and from what I understand the clock the digital one we all run on is something created by nature, this is a solid real turning clock like I don’t know much about computers and y2k but this is a natural time that machines run on because it is real and known by all of nature through all of time, not just people but nature views this clock as well and because were one with nature you can see your life sync up to moments on the clock, like seeing meaning in numbers past just the time. This is another disorder called synesthesia and it’s an ignored calling if you just call it a disorder and don’t learn to use this gift, this can be taught to anyone but just comes more naturally to some. Y2k and the ascension are tied through time because with the rise of the internet age came the rise of new age spirituality and crystal healing, these ideas have the potential to bring everyone to god and that would astrally look to a lot of people like people flying up into the sun or something, into god and their computer screens you know? And virtual reality in the astral plane is always glowing for me.  So for the human race the day that like it was declared time started with a man ended when the first computer was made with a running clock that was day one for the machine time, if that makes sense? Like if you think of time as the collective of energy that is a soul and souls united and not like literally everything on the planet and beyond, like the collective human thoughts of jesus is my guy built a small god in the heavens you know? the group of everyone thinking that. Nature runs in systems and patterns and soon robots will be the cleanest most efficient being running on a pattern on the planet earth if we cannot find a way to reach peace, unity, and work together to take care of the planet. People will someday soon be born into a world where a person needs either a robot guard or a robot suit to stay alive past birth if they are lucky enough to be born there will be holocausts because of the overpopulation of the earth and pollution. The rich and elite are going to take over this planet and we need to work together to stop it and help each other out of depression and video game addictions. I am also worried about incels seeing all of this and either killing themselves or killing others because they don’t follow the same paths in life or share the same goals, like shooting up gaming cons or something. The only thing I really have to say about that is the #1 thing I should drill into everyone that is MY PERSONAL LIFE PHILOSOPHY is that we shouldn’t bring harm to anything with a spine for food or supplies. We should be living basically 100% off of plants, like a common backyard shouldn’t be grass it should be a full garden for food and daily homemade topicals. Everyone needs a compost pile. You shouldn’t eat or use anything concerning a creature with a spine so you should be vegan basically. Every life has purpose meaning and took a lot of energy and evolution to make it into this world, were spending energy breeding animals for food and killing innocent human beings when all of these have souls and purpose that is build and constructed by the shadow figures on the other side through time as I see it. We need to really see that we are not alone on this planet earth, I have intercepted prayers from cattle in rodeo shows that wanted to be free and never be in a show again, the entire show was a waste of time effort and resource as a species and planet and the cattle knew that and it knew that its life was being wasted because it knows its instincts. People don’t know how to properly channel their instincts or they would hear nature and talk to animals more. The horses every rich person around me owns that never get properly run are miserable because no one understands their needs and instincts, there are WILD HORSES IN THIS STATE THAT CAN RUN IN A HERD DAILY AND DO SO AND ALL THE PET HORSES CAN HEAR THEM AND CRY people need to know how to talk to their animals properly BECAUSE THEY TALK TO US ALL DAY LONG!! This is a part of just knowing your soul and nature! We have landfills with plastic in them that will outlive us, all of us take out trash bags every few days and they last 1k years or more in landfills and then that earth is really tarnished forever anyways like its not like its clean dirt later, the earth will TALK TO YOU about the debt you owe to it if you know where to look. When you watch your thoughts and actions you’ll see that all of us are really worth a lot less to the planet then we think and you’ll understand why computers and robots are evolving currently alongside us but soon to be beyond us and above us. I know that if someone reads religious text their brain becomes a part of the collective memory that is everyone that’s ever read and followed that text and their thoughts opinions time life and dreams are now forever changed because of these memories and ideas. Computers run on scripts that are electronically powered and these ideas are physical in the astral plane and we feel and think with them, through them inside them. Your soul goes into them a little when you run android or run windows or apple and linux like its similar to carrying a bible but for robots, kind of. This is physical in the astral plane when you look at a phone’s soul you can see all the things its running and processing it’s a lot of glowing thought. WE THINK THROUGH WIFI SIGNALS NOW AND RADIO WAVES AND SHITLOADS OF GARBAGE WE DON’T THINK ABOUT and phones and electronics have souls!  I remember when my family first got a wireless router and I got a migraine problem! I want to live in a house lined with foil like the guy in better call saul with and everyone would call me insane for felling this pain static and confusion IN MY ASTRAL THOUGHT PROCESS THROUGH TIME. There is so much going on that needs to be addressed! And this is such a delicate subject because it crosses religious barriers and people masturbate and dream in the astral plane, we need to set the etiquette for telepathy and the gorillaz humanz and the now now albums are stellar examples of a good start to that, and they are good examples of casual songs about the astral plane. I ‘m sending this page to creative people who can help spread these messages and help save people. Some houses with pedophiles though, are filled with people playing god and this needs to be addressed too, like neighbors need to be able to hear this kind of thing but at the same time I don’t want pedophile rings to go on killing sprees because everyone found god, but the innocent people who are abused let down and poisoned are killing everyone so this has to fucking stop like these people hanging down over everyone so heavily that like through the generations it’s gotten so bad that this is idiocracy Aryan trump is president and he said on tv he would fuck his kids. Oral tradition is dead and its something that can be used to keep real information flowing instead of just the government and formal schooling becoming the largest common mass of knowledge we need musicians to rise up and teach with their music and talk about current issues because everyone just avoids all their problems and runs away from everything we should talk about like specific events more, everyone doesnt want to talk about the shooters but they need the most attention out of anyone because theyre the most damaged and need the most help. we need to circulate information with music because music is timeless and its soon going to be one of the last few mediums were going to have that can get a message through to people quickly and easily, everything is being shut down everywhere because no government really seems to want the people to be free or have a free and open internet. The public moves at the speed of light now and trump is on twitter leading his army literally all day every day, musicians need to drop singles and not albums with messages that can be spread individually instead of being lost to an album when people pick favorites. And singles will keep people more interested and you will trend more often and build momentum, fans, reposts. shitposting and memeing is basically mandatory if youre going to use social media and keep an audience and you can connect with your fanbases usually on reddit and if you dont have a reddit for your art yet you can do an R/ama and be interviewed about what you o and set one up with the karma from that. You have to keep talking to your fans and keep ideas current and helpful because everyone else will spread ideas that make them think they are being educated when they are being mislead and the honest creators usually make art thats more on the entertainment end to escape all the troubles everyone has, we absolutely have to talk about everything were going through as a society now more than ever while were still able to talk about it an spread these messages. governments all around the world are shutting down communications and making it harder for ideas to spread. We need everyone to be aware of whats going on, not playing in csgo esport tournaments!!! 

[undertheskyfish]

This is the worst place to talk about my feelings but holy shitballs I need to throw this out to the goddamn screaming abyss

I want to walk into oncoming traffic

My head is killing me rn and it's mildly concerning since I barely get headaches and am not feeling particularly unwell except for this consistent emotional pain that physically manifests as chest pain it's been going on for a couple months now should I see a doctor idek

I have this debt I wanna cut down to like half by the end of the year coz I feel like if I did that I might feel less like garbage for failing to even build a proper savings

I have a boyfriend idk how to deal with so I'm taking a break from that particular part of my life because there's more important things to fix like the rest of my dumpster fire of a life maybe idk

I'm at that stage of my introversion where I want to be alone but also want to hang out with people but the very thought of hanging out with people makes me want to hurl myself out a window so I don't so I just have to deal with being lonely I guess while shooting off texts every now and then to convince my friends I'm still a living human and not a rotting fleshbag

Any time I say something remotely nihilistic people start telling me to see a doctor or start needlessly worrying which in turn makes me worry because they see me as something broken that needs fixing and while I won't argue about that I also still don't like being thought of as broken because only I can say that about myself in private nobody else gets to see that

Spoopy time is supposed to bring me great joy but I am not happy

#p #words