#Honestly kind of getting me jaded with organized religion as a whole | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bvdblog-blog · 6 years

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life and death. such strange concepts that everyone takes so seriously. and rightfully so. i think about death alot. and not in a way where i want it to happen to me or anybody around me anytime soon. at all. i can positively say im not suicidal. but death is such an interesting topic to me. for so many different reasons.

first of all, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE???? ive literally wondered this for a good majority of time now. i guess it boils down to what someone believes. some say u go to heaven if youve “asked for forgiveness.” others say you go to another life of come back an animal others say nothing. lik its such a fuckin trip honestly. WHO. REALLY KNOWS. its not lik someone can come back from the dead and explain what theyve been up to since they died. idk why it fascinates me so much but it does. lik the moment u stop exsisting do u know uve stopped esixting? is it just white? black? lik god damn its intense to think about.

i think as much as it fascinates me i struggle with it too. my whole life ive been told theres a god, heaven, and afterlife in heaven if you live ur life right ask for foregiveness and do all the right things give or take. so i always thought that. but now as im older im not religious anymore. i dont agree with half the shit in the bible and i hate church people. christians. granted there are definitely christians who have been nothing but nice to me but overall im not a fan. others do as they please but at the moment im not into it. so im stuck in this spot where i dont know what i believe overall including life after death. and it scares me.

part of it is laziness. i dont wanna have to read on things n decide what i believe. but at the same time i wanna know what happens when i die. its weird as fuck and if i think about it too much i get so much anxiety. i know alot of it is cuz i feel bad tht im not following my parents choice of christianity. i definietly make my own decisions but i feel bad for dissapointing them. the thing is i believe in god i think. thats for sure. i do think there is a set path for everyone but tht they have to work at it. but lik beyond tht idk. i talk to a god yes n i ask advice n shit but i dont go to church and i dont want to. tht doesnt maek me bad right? sometimes i wonder if following a certain religion or belief system would make me happier in life? idk. im too lazy to figure it out thooooo thats for sure. and maybe thts where i fall flat. idk.

back to the death thing. i was watching a show a couple weeks ago called captive. where people tell their stories of being held captive for ransom. and the reinactments would show people begging for their life which is obviously how everyone acts in near death situations like that. it just got me thinking. (this about to sound pretentious, suicidal, and weird all in one. i promise its none of those. just thoughts i have while driving sometimes)

someone begs for their life why? obviously i know why. cuz they wanna live their lives beyond that point. duh. but lik really think about it. if someone dies, their death doesnt effect them. other than the obvious dying part. lik it effects their family and friends around them more. tht just trips me out soooo much. is that why people beg for their lives so much? for the others around them? or for their own living?

i guess its different for someone who has kids or a huge successfull business or thriving life. not that i dont have a thriving life but someone who has kids has more to live for than i do in a sense. they dont want to abandon their kids and leave them. i obviously too dont want to abandon my parents siter or friends but its different. it makes me wonder if ill see death differently when i have kids? overall would tht change my opinion and outlook on life? idk. i hope so sometimes.

theres also a weird thing about grandparent death. my grandparents died only a year ago n it still drives me in circles. i was sad. devistated as fuck. still am. i think about them all the time. but its also weird because lik grandparents are old and are headed towards death every day right? i mean i guess we all are which is morbid as fuck but yeah.

idk i worry about my empathy sometimes, this girl posted on fb tht her grandpa died n she was broken, and i felt bad for her but at the same time i as lik ok he was old it was bound to happen. but lik WTF!? my grandparents died a year ago n instead of relating to her i went back to the same old them being old thing. why do i do that? does it have to do with my weird fascination with after death? idk.

dont get me wrong. i would do anything to have my grandparents back this second. but old age and death is strange. i also think i am somewhat jaded to old age and death because i work as a care giver for old people daily and i see the sadness of peoples mind and bodies giving up on them al the time. my one client is 105 and just sits there al day. having this kind of exposure almost makes me not want to live to be older than 80. idk

i also have to remind myself besides my grandparents and aunt, ive never lost someone close to me. i look at my mom who lost her parents and struggles every fucking day. ive not been in that place where someone ive known my actual entire life and spent almost every day with isnt here anymore. so i think tht clouds my thinking as well. but tht situation scares the shit out of me more than anything. my mom or dad being here one day and then not. cnat go there cuz it gives me anxiety.

of course this was all over the place with no organization. what ya gonna do haha

just to say again, im nowhere near suicidal. at all. weird things just fascinate me. i could never say these things out loud. but im glad i could write it here.

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