#HE'S THIRTEEN THAT STUFF CAN PASS THROUGH THE BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER

[telemna-hyelle]

Wind is tied for my favorite, but I find it so hard to find depictions that I vibe with cause you either get ‘oh he’s babyyyy’ which, yknow, three adventures very capable ‘you have more of the look of a hero about you every day’ but on the other side ‘oh he’s a pirate he drinks alcohol and he’s snarky and so grown up I’M NOT A KID’ and like

he is though?

he’s thirteen????

part of the reason he’s my favorite is how, despite going through two (three?) very difficult adventures he’s still such... a kid. Not that he isn’t capable or a hero (see above adventure tally) but he hasn’t lost his wide-eyed wonder. He can be a bit of a gremlin (all the boys can be) but he’s also just... a really sweet kid who feels emotions deeply. And it would have been so easy for his adventures to squeeze that right out of him but he didn’t let them. He’s managed to hold on to being a child despite all he’s gone through, which means he’s just, really incredibly strong. And for me it’s like... if it’s such a shame that some of these heroes had to grow up early, why are you forcing the one that has still managed to hold on to his childhood to grow up too?

Basically, just because he’s capable and a hero and worthy doesn’t mean he’s not a kid. Not a baby, but still a kid, young and bright-eyed and in love with adventure.

#also like #the same people that make wind seem older and harder often seem to like... babify the older ones??? it confuses me #anyway #not gonna tag this cause i'm scared #so just dropping that here #also why give the child alcohol #why #HE'S THIRTEEN THAT STUFF CAN PASS THROUGH THE BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER

[sibillascribbles08]

Toby is big sad

Can read any previous entries here.

Warning after the first Toby in italics, gorey nightmare, contains blood and melting flesh

It was far less like waking up and more like emerging from a sludge filled river. Toby barely opened his eyes, unable to see much. Someone was talking over in the other room but it sounded even farther away. He still felt tired. His muscles felt heavy. His stomach cramped and twisted. He knew it was hungry but the thought of food quickly turned the hunger pain into nausea.

How long had he been lying here?

He didn’t even have enough energy to roll over and look at the clock.

His hearing became a bit clearer. He could at least identify it was Cryptor talking, although not what he was saying.

His head zoned out again. He was sure a bunch of time must have passed, but again it was unclear. The blinds in the room were shut.

But he jumped back to reality when Cryptor came into the room. Toby pulled the sheets over his face as he curled up. Why? He wasn’t even sure. He just felt the need to hide.

“Hey,” Cryptor’s voice was gentle. “I made a light smoothie. Think you can try getting it down?”

Toby heard the glass clink against the nightstand. He nodded, though he wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth. He didn’t want to eat. He wanted to dissolve.

“Just try, even if you can’t manage the whole glass. I have to head to work, but text me if you need anything.”

Toby nodded again, even though he never texted. He already felt like Cryptor was doing too much for him.

“I love you.” Cryptor whispered before his footsteps retreated to the door.

Toby didn’t peek out from the sheets. He knew he should try the smoothie but he was tired. Too tired.

Toby.

Max’s voice had him snapping his eyes open. Everything was still dark, pitch black. He looked around, trying to find any source of light. The only thing he saw was a golden eye. Then another. Dozens began to open around him, above him, below him.

Toby.

He spun around to the source of the sound. Max stood there, sixteen year old Max. There was blood all over his face, in his hair. Both eyes were missing, though one socket was mostly shut from the shattered bones and distorted skin.

Toby stumbled back. No, no, must be a nightmare. It was only a nightmare.

Toby. Max wandered toward him. All the golden eyes turned red, one by one. Guess you didn’t hit me hard enough.

Dreaming, he was dreaming. He had to wake up. Why wouldn’t this go away?

You could make it go away. The skin on Max’s neck and arms bubbled before shifting in a liquid. It slipped away from his muscles. His steps stumbled, but he kept walking. You could make everything disappear.

“Stop.” Toby’s throat went dry. “Stop. Don’t come any closer.”

Then get rid of me. The muscles began to melt away, mixing with the skin. That’s how you always deal with this.

Toby tried to move away, but his back hit a wall. Max kept approaching, hand out. The bones of his fingers were visible as his flesh dripped onto the floor.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me!” Toby tried to press himself through the invisible barrier. By now the smells hit him. The metallic tang of blood lingered in his mouth. Max’s hand was so close to his face.

Toby screamed and waved his arm. He felt the space shift under him as the black hole formed just behind Max’s feet. In seconds his friend vanished into it. When the first bone snapped that same scream ripped through the air.

Toby jerked awake, gasping for air. Even when his vision focused on Cryptor’s bedroom the ear splitting scream still echoed in his head. He covered his ears, begging for it to stop.

“Toby?” Cryptor’s voice came from the other side of the door before it opened. “Are you alright?”

Toby bit his lip. Had he screamed? He didn’t remember it. “I thought you went to work.”

Cryptor frowned. “I did, Toby. Have you been asleep all day?”

All day? He hadn’t been asleep that long, right? The nightmare certainly didn’t feel that way.

“You were certainly asleep when I got back. I put the smoothie in the fridge in case you change your mind.” Cryptor’s gaze moved to the nightstand.

Toby followed it, spotting the glass of water. He forced himself to sit up and took the glass, at least downing a few sips before putting it back.

Cryptor’s expression didn’t change. “Toby, are you sure you don’t want to talk about–”

“No.”

“It’s clearly effecting you, badly. You haven’t left this room in a week. You’re barely eating or drinking anything.” Cryptor gestured to the water. “Do you just want to rot in here?”

Toby gritted his teeth. “Maybe I do!”

Cryptor straightened up. His eyes flashed before he blinked. Then he glanced at the floor, already taking a step back. “I see.” He didn’t say anything else before he walked out of the room, letting the door shut behind him.

Toby sucked in through his teeth before he flopped back on the bed and tried to hide in the covers. Guilt swarmed his chest all over again. He didn’t need to be yelling at Cryptor. His boyfriend just wanted to help.

But Toby didn’t want help.

He tried to doze off again, but he couldn’t. His chest hurt too much. He didn’t know if it was from what happened to Max or his argument with Cryptor.

Had it really been a week?

Had he been lying here for that long?

Cryptor’s muffled voice came from the kitchen. At first, Toby tried to ignore it, but even without making out the words he could hear how distressed he was.

Toby sat up, but still couldn’t hear clearly enough, so he scooted to the far end of the bed.

“I can’t make him do anything, Mindroid.” Cryptor said. “He’s almost thirty. And you know as well as I do dragging him off to talk to someone will only upset him more.”

A pause. Mindroid must be speaking.

“I’m already doing everything I can!” Cryptor’s voice glitched. “Short of physically dragging him outside to get some sunshine. I can’t make him eat, Mindroid. I tried going from solids to something easier but it’s still barely working. If this keeps up he’s going to have to go back to the hospital and then–” He cut off, then let out a long sigh. “I know, Mindroid. Fine. I’ll be there in a few.”

Footsteps headed toward the bedroom. Toby scrambled back to get under the sheets yet again. For what? Guilty for spying as well?

Cryptor didn’t even open the door. He just knocked. “Toby? I’m going out for a bit. Please text me if you need something.”

Toby almost didn’t reply, but croaked out an, “Okay.”

“I love you.” Cryptor said. “I really love you. Don’t forget that, alright?”

The footsteps retreated again. Toby just lay there for a while, gaze fixed on nothing.

I love you.

For what? His head questioned over and over again. He killed his best friend twice. He couldn’t save him. He tried so hard to and failed. He beat him with a rock once and threw him into a black hole later. He was in pain, so much pain, and not just from the crushing gravity.

If Toby had just tried harder, if he said the right thing, maybe none of it would have happened.

I love you. The words kept echoing in his skull.

His throat went tight. Tears welled up in his eyes. He tried to choke back the first sob, but when it failed he buried his face in the pillow.

Maybe Toby couldn’t reason with his brain on why he deserved it, but that didn’t matter. Cryptor was worried about him. He’d been scared at the possibility of Toby never coming back, and now even with the disaster out of the way, Toby was just putting him in that position all over again.

An entire week...

Toby had to do something.

Step one, sit up. Not easy with tears still coming out of his eyes. At first his body refused to move apart from rolling over. He took a deep breath and grit his teeth, digging up all the stuff his fathers used to tell him when things like this happened.

He counted backwards from twenty. After one, he managed to sit up.

Step two, drink some goddamn water.

Toby grabbed the glass and chugged. He knew it wasn’t the healthiest way to do it, but he was too scared if he tried slow sips then he’d give up.

Step three, get out of bed, but then what? Food? It seemed logical but as he ran his hand through his hair he realized he desperately needed a shower.

His stomach twisted.

Food first, then shower.

He counted backwards again just to put his feet on the floor, then once more to stand up. His legs wobbled. He almost fell over, but he refused to sit back down.

Step four, kitchen. No, that was too vague. Step four, walk into kitchen. Step five, open fridge. Step six, get the smoothie and drink it. It was sweet, almost too sweet. His body tried to reject it, so Toby sat the glass down as he got himself some more water, alternating between the two.

He got at least halfway through the smoothie before deciding he needed something else. Protein, what was easy?

Step seven, open the fridge. Step eight, grab eggs. Step nine, grab pan. Step ten, turn on oven. Wait, shit, forgot the butter. Step eleven, grab butter.

Toby tried to make fried eggs, but with the yolks breaking they wound up more on the scrambled side. Whatever. He dug out some bread and put it in the toaster, keeping the dial on low. Not in the mood to crunch through bread right now.

By the time the toast popped the eggs were done. He put them on the bread before sitting down at the table.

Somehow, eating this was much easier than the smoothie. In fact after the first bite he found himself almost inhaling the rest of it. Eggs on toast never tasted so good. When was the last time he ate something properly?

He tried not to think about it.

Step twelve, at least leave the dishes by the sink. Try and wash them later. Step thirteen, head to the bathroom.

Something about the idea of the shower made him want to retreat back to bed. It felt like a monumental effort, everything about it, but he refused to quit. Small steps. Break it down.

Step one, turn on water. Step two remove clothes, which thankfully was very easy when he was only wearing his shorts. Step three, get in shower. No, don’t stand there and stare at the curtain, get IN the shower. Toby took a deep breath and counted backwards yet again.

The water was a bit too cold, but he didn’t care. Maybe it would waking him up. For a while he didn’t do much, just let it run over him, but he knew he had to use soap.

He counted backwards to grab the shampoo. At least from there it was easier. He ran the suds over his scalp, then over his shoulders, arms, and everywhere else. To hell with the differences in soaps he just needed to clean off.

Once again he stood numbly under the water, not really bothering to wipe any of the soap off. He was sure if he stood there long enough it would do the work for him.

He stood there so long the water went from lukewarm to ice cold. Okay, time to get out.

Step... what step was he on? Never mind, he just knew he needed to dry off but... No. Too much effort. Toby still grabbed the towels, wrapping one around his hair and the other around his torso. There. Done.

Toby glanced at the mirror. His chest went tight again. He wasn’t sure what scared him more, the dark matter creeping over his chest or how thin his face looked. He didn’t dare step on the scale.

Toby retreated from the bathroom. As soon as he reached the bed he flopped down on it, face first. He realized he probably tracked water all over the carpet but he didn’t care.

Dishes, he should get up and do dishes. Maybe find another snack.

Toby groaned into the sheets.

No, he should get up, he couldn’t keep sleeping.

Another groan.

Get up. Get up. Get UP.

Toby at least managed to roll over, but in the process the towel came undone. He sighed and sat up.

Alright, fine.

Toby snatched the towel and rubbed it all over his skin. He doubted it got him all that dry, but it was better than nothing. He tossed the towel in the direction of the laundry basket. Missed. Whatever, he wasn’t picking it up.

Toby dug out some fresh shorts and put them on. Should he get a shirt? He felt at the towel he still had on his head and decided no. Maybe when his hair was drier.

He went back into the kitchen, heading for the sink, but before he could turn the water on the front door opened.

Cryptor stepped inside, gaze fixed on the floor until he noticed Toby. His eye went wide. “Toby? Ah, did you shower?”

Toby glanced to the side, unable to look him in the eye right now. “Uh, yeah, made a bit of food too. Was about to do the dishes.”

“No, no.” Cryptor stepped over. “It’s fine, I can–”

“Cryptor.” Toby kept his grip on one of the cups. “Let me.”

Cryptor retreated a bit. “Alright.”

The silence was awkward as Toby turned on the tap and started rinsing everything. Eventually Cryptor retreated to the bedroom. Toby kept his focus on the dishes, hand washing them instead of just dropping them in the dish washer. It honestly felt nice to have his hands doing something again.

Cryptor came back out, his cloak gone. “I stripped the bed, if that’s alright. I’ll try and get some laundry done in a little bit.”

“Probably a good idea.” Toby mumbled as he turned the sink off.

“Toby.” Cryptor put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you actually feeling better? At all?”

He thought about it for a moment. “A bit, I guess. I just... got fed up with doing nothing because... I realized it was hurting you.”

“Toby this isn’t about me.”

“I know.” Toby sighed and looked at his boyfriend. “But if caring about you is what drags me out of this pit, is that so bad?”

Cryptor frowned. “I suppose not, but... don’t try and rush your recovery for my sake.”

“Fair enough.” Toby leaned forward, resting his head on Cryptor shoulders. When his boyfriend hugged him he almost burst into tears again. He missed this.

“Do you want my advice now?” Cryptor asked.

“Is it that I need to go to therapy?”

“You do need to go to therapy.” His voice was firm. “However, that may not be the best first step. Would you be willing to go see your father? I imagine he’d be better suited for supporting you during something like this.”

That was true. Dareth probably could help, and maybe getting away from this universe for a bit would clear his head.

Still...

“I’m only going if you go with me.”

“Fair enough.” Cryptor patted his head. “Do you want me to dry your hair?”

Toby snorted. “You know my hair hates the hair dryer.”

“I meant with the towel, dummy.”

“Oh,” Toby mumbled. “Yeah, that’d be okay. Um... after that, could I get some more food?”

“Would you like to go out and get something?”

Toby groaned.

“Alright, fine, I’ll make something.” Cryptor pushed him away before turning him toward the bedroom. “Hair first.”

Toby let himself be pushed. Part of him still wanted to go back to sleep, figured it might happen anyway while Cryptor dried his hair, but he’d try and stay awake.

At least for now.

#scribbly fics #max arc #clone universe