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one-smuts · 3 years

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.......ok!

What I can't Have.

Summary: Shinsou falls in love with Denki just in time for Denki to fall out of love with him.

Ships: Denki/Jiro- fluff, Denki/Shinsou- Angst.

Pov: Shinsou

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was happy for him at first. Honestly I was.

It was getting sad for awhile, the way he followed me around like a lost puppy. The lost lovestruck look in his eyes when he looked at me. I felt like a monster, but at the time, I didn't feel that way for Kaminari.

He was my friend, my best friend even. But my lover? I just couldn't phantom it. I remember sitting him down to tell him. He seemed somehow shocked I knew how he felt. The thing about Kaminari is, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. For better or worse.

"So...you know how I feel?" He said, a spark of hope in his voice.

"I do."

"Aaand?..." Christ. He was gonna make me say it.

"I-I'm sorry Kaminari. I just dont feel the same. You're a great guy and all, I just don't feel that way for you. I hope we can stay friends though."

I think I watched his soul shatter that day.

I didn't see Denki for a few weeks after that. Im pretty sure he was avoiding me. Not like I could blame him though. It's hard to get rid of feelings when you see that person everyday. I missed him though. I missed him so much. Looking back, that probably should have been my frist hint.

When he started texting me again, it was a relief. I had my best friend back! And we xkuld actually talk and hang out now. No more lovey eyed guilt trips he didn't even know he was taking me on. Apprently, he'd gotten really into music to process his emotions, and it really helped him heal.

We have Jiro to thank for that.

I don't hate Kyouka. I think she's actually a wonderful girl, and I nothing but thankful for her, for being there for Kaminari when I couldn't be.

That said, the moment he introduced us j saw it. He had that same love struck look in his eyes. It didn't surprise me. Kaminari had the heart of a hopeless romantic, it was made of elastic.

The difference was, she had the same eyes for him. It shocked no one when they started dating. And look, I was happy for them! Denki deserved someone who could love on his level and Jiro fit the bill. She was kind and caring, and they both loved music. I couldn't believe it, but she tought his tone deaf ass to play guitar! They have a small band together now. They make amazing music.

And they really are adorable together. I started inviting Jiro to our hangouts, so she knew she was welcome. At first, I thought I was annoyed at being a third wheel. Watching them curl into eachother on the couch, while I sat on the floor on movie night. How they would get into these feedback loops of just gushing over one another. And don't even get me started on the playlisys.

But, slowly I realized it was more. It was in the way he held her close at all times. They way he talk about her, as if she was some divine gift. It was in the way he looked at her, with those love struck puppy eyes.

Fuck, I missed those eyes being on me.

Leave it to me to only realize I want someone once I couldn't have them. My stomach would turn into knots when's I saw him. My head would feel light, and on the rare occasion it was just us, I'd get damn near giddy. I was a love struck fool.

And, maybe it really was just so I could heal and move on. Maybe it's because I'm selfish. Maybe it was because some tiny part of me hoped he'd leave her for me. But, I told him exactly how I felt.

It started out normal, we were playing Mortal Kombat, but, I guess he noticed my game was off.

"Alright, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You lost."

"I lose all the time."

"Yea, but not with noob!" His laughed was always so adorable. "Noobs your main! So what's going on?"

I got cold feet at the question. I was I was sure I wanted to tell him, but now...

"Im fine, I promise."

"Hitoshi, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yea?"

"So why are you keeping secrets now?" He asked. He was right. It didn't ruin things when I rejected him, why wouldn't work out the same way in reverse? And his smiled was so warm, and inviting.

"I-..I think I love you."

"Aww, I love you too bro!"

"No, Kaminari, I mean I love you."

His smile dropped.

"What?"

"Look, I know that I said I didn't feel the same, and at the time I didn't, but I love you! Seeing you with Jiro made me realize, I-"

"Hitoshi, that's not fair." Denki said, uncharacteristically cold. I could see the tears form in his eyes. But, it wasn't the same as last time I saw them. These weren't tears of heart break.

"I waited a whole year for you. I wanted you, for so long, and you told me you didn't want me. Not the other way around. And now thG I'm happy and everything is good, and, for the first time in forever, I feel like I'm not carrying bricks on my chest, you wanna do this? Hitoshi, do you like seeing me hurt?"

"No! Kaminari, I would never do anything to hurt you!"

"Then why tell me?! What did you expect?! For me to just leave Jiro and come running into your arms? I love Jiro. And I'm pretty sure she loves me. She loves me enough not to try and crash everything I worked so hard to build." He was crying now. I wondered how over me he really was. I wondered if that was selfish to think.

"No, I don't want to break anything you built-up. I just had to get it off my own chest. I don't want you to leave Jiro, I just...I dont know."

"I-..I dont know either man. I'm sorry but, I really don't feel the same anymore. I don't know why I'm so mad about it." He confessed. He refused to make eye contact. "I guess I'm just mad that I spent months miserable over the fact that you'd never love me. And, I guess it all feels like it could have been avoided now."

"Im sorry."

"But, I don't know if I want to have avoided it." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He wasn't crying anymore, but his eyes still had had a sharpness.

"If I avoided it, I wouldn't have gotten so close to Jiro...but...I just.." He cut his own thoughts off with a groan, hiding his face in his hands.

"Im sorry."

"I know you are." He mumbled. He looked over at him. "I loved you Hitoshi. I really truly did."

"Its not too late, I-" that was the wrong thing to say. A scowl came across his face.

"Yes it is. I loved you. Ed. Past tense. My emotions and how I feel don't get pushed to the side because you finally came you your sense and realized how you felt. My relationship isn't going to just end because you want it to."

He grabbed his backpack and stood up. I wanted to reach out for him and make him stay. But, I knew that would be wrong.

"I-I'm sorry Hitoshi. I just dont feel the same. You're a great guy and all, I just don't feel that way for you anymore. I hope we can stay friends though." He mumbled as he walked to the door. He looked back at me.

"I'll see you later man."

"See you later."

And thats where we are now. I've been laying on my bed going over this entire situation in my head for hours. I definitely could have gone about that last interaction diffrent, but, it doesn't matter. I missed my shot.

Stupid late stage crushes.

I can't help but think about how he must have felt just like this all that time ago. And I feel almost worse knowing I put him through it.

But, I know I can't lose him. He's my best friend, I'd be devastated to lose him completely.

So, I guess I gotta just get over it.

_________________________________________

A/N: hope ya like it @firelove151! I haven't ever really written anything like this before so, as always constructive feedback is welcome!

#mha #my hero academia #jiro x kaminari #denki x shinsou #kamijirou #shinkami #denki kaminari #jirou kyouka #shinsou hitoshi #multiship #angst

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schwinns2ndlaw · 7 years

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listening through a new brain (2015)

prologue: frogs have so much spring:

homeless lady/grace singing in the prologue reminds me about how she, being homeless and really having nothing, ties together this theme of mortality, and life’s strangeness, and being grateful for what you have despite the circumstances.

gordon hasn’t “finish[ed] one song,” so i wonder how long he’s been employed with mr bungee

rhoda and gordon’s bickering/conversation feels really familiar between them. i wonder how long they’ve been friends; i hope since college,,, i have a lot of love for rhoda being the pillar of Work Ethic and advice and support and being a little bit bossy

prologue: 911 emergency/i have so many songs:

from the second song bill finn sets up a picture of normal gay culture (ex: the reality of having to worry about hiv, “mr bungee’s homophobic”) and i have so much love for how candid and unapologetic he is about telling lgbt stories. he is gay and jewish and goddamn his work is gay and jewish and that’s beautiful

heart and music:

i love what they did with the transition from i have so many songs to heart and music with the pulse ox.

also i gotta love the classic bill finn rhyme of horses & divorces. fucking iconic

one thing here that distinguishes anb from his other works, is, i think, how the songs are structured as an album. though falsettos and a new brain are both sung through, a new brain’s core songs are much more apparent, the first of which being heart and music. also bc they’re the only ones on the obc album but still. it’s interesting to see how he handles transition songs in a new brain. imo, the transitions in anb are weaker than his other shows: falsettos is more continuous, and 25th annual putnam county spelling bee has a different format (there’s dialogue), plus has transitions for comedic purposes (the goodbye songs)

mother’s gonna make things fine:

mother’s gonna make things fine has a manic comedic quality to it and ana gasteyer pulls it off really well. i esp like her blocking for that part

trouble in his brain:

“the invincibility of gordon michael schwinn” is a really interesting line to me. mimi and rhoda both say it — it’s a well known thing among those who know gordon. i wonder if this ties into gordon’s well-known desire to have a [musical] legacy or if it’s applied to other parts of his life?

be polite to everyone:

be polite to everyone is kind of a jam for a hallucination. i like jonathan groff’s acting choices in it (in the boot) that further clarify that he’s hallucinating because im dumb and found anb at like 1am a while back and didn’t get things at first. i just… accepted that mr bungee was there tbh

i’d rather be sailing:

the instrumentals in i’d rather be sailing are so soothing. it’s 11pm and aaron lazar is singing me a lullaby and all is right in the world. god, what charming, gorgeous voice, and what stellar execution. i have such a soft spot for aaron lazar after his performance in a new brain; it’s a charming role and he pulls it off with such decorum and sincerity. also i just fucking love roger. okay i was going to analyze this bit but it’s just a really sweet love song and i sometimes think about how this is the closest thing that william finn has written to a love song for his partner, and like,,, Y’all I Love This Song

(also. the piano [though it’s not marked as a specific dynamic in the sheet music] high note he sings at the end is stellar.)

family history:

family history is honestly really funny. that’s all

gordo’s law of genetics:

i love the slight changes to this arrangement in the revival recording but i will not rest until “why is the smart son always the gay son?” “schwinn’s second law” is put back in the recording. i wonder why they cut that?

also the blocking in this part is super cute i love the rolling chair and jonathan’s conducting and “air drums”

and they’re off:

i binge listened to and they’re off and then set it as my alarm and now I’m a little tired of it and that makes me sad :’(

STILL it’s a BOP and i love the rhyming in it and everyone sounds so good. this song is overlooked in its exposition of mimi; it gives insight to the circumstances that shaped her as a person. and they’re off gives an explanation behind her anger at gordon’s fatalistic behavior

last note for and they’re off: groff’s vocals are great here - i can feel the love he has for this song and this score

roger arrives:

i love roger arrives for all of the character dynamics it brings

roger is: -loved by all (“hallelujah” - mimi, which, like, same) -looking fit -damned appropriate -a strong emotional pillar -a dreamboat, and that’s the tea!

roger and gordon’s first irl interaction is so comical and quirky and real. i’m a little peeved they omitted rogers “no” (and a few other phrases from the performance) in response to gordon asking if he left after he found out. the first time i listened through i thought roger might’ve actual left afterwards and was ready to throw hands

roger rolls with gordon’s insanity with such stride and :’)

the whole “he looks good”/“he looks pale”/“he looks better” showcases everyone’s different outlooks on the situation and god knows i live for characterization through song

ROGER’S LITTLE STINT/IMPLICATION IN “GO GET DINNER. ROGER HAS ARRIVED” IS FUNNY HONESTLY. there was a youtube performance i watched where the roger - idr which video - emphasized this joke more. it was hilarious and i wish aaron lazar had leaned into that a bit

just go:

i love how unique roger and gordon’s dynamic is. it feels quirky and unique and real and honestly. also the two get some gorgeous melodic lines and harmonies

“sometimes when you talk, i feel so damn woozy” roger wins at romance

tl;dr gordon: you will get these hands if you stay roger: love you too

mri tomorrow:

LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT “time to go to sleep. you’ll be brave as zorro” I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER BILL FINN USED ZORRO AS A DESPERATE RHYME (PROBABLY) BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT ROGER IS AN OLD SCHOOL COMICS NERD

also in the boot, gordon just gives roger a /look/ after saying this and i love it. he probably uses outdated phrases of speech too

poor, unsuccessful, and fat:

JOSH LAMON IS A COMEDIC FORCE

“my sister is a receptionist” bill finn. where is gordon’s sister? what is she doing (besides being a receiptionist)? her brother’s in the hospital c’mon

“thank you for coming/ thank you for going” another example of this sort of underhanded humor. i like the sort of theme around Visitors in the hospital room and the people you surround yourself with in crisis

sitting becalmed in the lee of cuttyhunk:

sitting becalmed in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in

i desperately need someone to make an edit where “in the lee” never ends it’d be so unsatisfying and i’d love it

“oh yeah fuck it i hate the sun” jonathan groff does a really good job of portraying sarcastic characters,, this role suits him so well

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING DO YOU THINK ROGER HEARS ON THE DAILY THOUGH

“we got the picture” “i get the picture!/that wasn’t bad at all” i actually like this though??? like the first inklings of gordon’s epiphany at the end & him valuing life for what it is

this cast all has such great voices

crainiotomy:

I LOVE THAT FUN HOME WAS THE SHOW THE DOCTOR WENT TO IN THE REVIVAL. MY LESBIAN ASS IS SO HAPPY ALSO HOW OLD ARE THE DOCTOR’S KIDS IF THEY’RE SEEING CHICAGO

an invitation to sleep in my arms:

one of my favorite songs on the album.

the orchestrations behind it are really soothing and there are the most gorgeous harmonies at 2:27. desperately need someone to duet this with

whenever “mr music” is mentioned i think of like some 7 year old running around in a magician’s hat using a magic wand as a conductor’s stick

rhoda means so well

“i get distracted so damn easily” cut to gordon not being able to write a note of a song as soon as roger walks in. also cut to gordon forgetting what he was supposed to be writing also imo gordon probably has adhd

give roger and gordon more duets, or at least treasure the ones they get… that’s all i ask

ALSO I LOVE HOW FAMILY ORIENTED MIMI IS, like she is such an advocate for the belief that life is worth living and worth treasuring the important people in your life

also, the interactions between rhoda and mimi are some of my favorite

change:

such a good solo for high voices??? super fun and belty

i love that bill finn writes women just as dimensional as his other characters (though i wish he wrote more female-headed works i suppose. that’s just a hope of mine in general though)

the yes song:

the yes song takes me on like 7 different emotional arcs

“or when someone says “would you like to lose your virginity”/someone with whom you have no affinity” sondheim is SHAKING

“yes i will go to my grandparents to israel” is a line that can only really be appreciated by watching it goddamn

WHERE IS HIS SON??????

in the middle of the room (part i):

sometimes i think about how jonathan groff got into a car accident during the lyric “and i’m waiting for a car to come along and kill me”…. like how ICONIC???

ana sounds so concerned and on the border of falling apart in the recording i love talent

throw it out:

throw it out is a really versatile song,, like the tenderness at the beginning, the later comedic aspect of mimi desperately trying to find something to blame for gordon’s illness.

“‘HOW TO MEET A SAILOR’ GOOD SON” IM GENUINELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER IG WE ALL KNOW HOW ROGER AND GORDON MET I LOVE A LYRIC

in the middle of the room (part ii)

this bit is so frantic. also it scared the shit out of me in the production when they brought out that drill oh my god

a really lousy day in the universe:

HEY THIS IS ILLEGAL ESP IN THE BOOT HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY

that aside, it’s a very pretty song

also, the fact that a new brain is partially autobiographical is wild??? like, bill finn’s partner had a therapy session with a homeless lady. what a wild conversation to relay back to him tbh

brain dead:

more commonly known as the resident banger of the anb ost

i don’t have a ton to say about this but lesbians (myself) do love a song that slaps

jonathan groff NAILS the phrase “what i am” it’s Gorgeous

the music still plays on:

mimi is such an incredible character don’t sleep on her wtfff

i think that the music still plays on gives a really interesting perspective both into mimi’s life, especially with the lines, “i was brash; i was bold,” and “married too young, and divorced far too old”

“the music still plays on… as my men depart” i think this line is interesting in that it emphasizes that mimi doesn’t want to be left alone. her divorce really affected her — it’s mentioned several times and she’s regretful. and right after it she feels stupid for feeling vulnerable. we see that later in the song, and the theme shifts into moving on, as the music (& life) still plays on

don’t give in:

hey so don’t give in is so fucking cursed both because of the beginning and jonathan groff mumbling “spaghetti”

you boys are gonna get me in such trouble:

RICH IS UHHH UNDERRATED

love the sound effects

title is Too Fucking Long

i’d rather be sailing (reprise):

“i choose to live” is such a powerful statement. it actually reminds me of the foreward to one of our choral pieces, named after the poem “invictus”

the lyrics “i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul" from “invictus”, and the remark “just as death is inevitable, so is life” remind me so strongly of this reprise

the homeless lady’s revenge:

“i feel about eight”/ “don’t hyperventilate out on the street, normal, lively, and sweet” i love A Dynamic

“the life is wonderful”s are so nice… their voices blend so nicely

“half these books with my name on the cover”/“some with the name of your lover” i can’t believe mimi threw out ROGER’s books too oh my god. also a shared library…. sweet

roger’s attempt to persuade grace is very charming and her reaction is priceless and i love it so much. grace is such a chaotic force (insert prayer hands emoji x100)

also gordon’s “what!?”

the vocal arrangements in this is really nice in that everyone has in character, funny reactions, but the song still has lovely melodies and still feels like a song, not a filler. william finn really out here writing conversational theater at its peak. i definitely like these songs of his (like roger arrives, an invitation) because they don’t really get old and are so full of character

time:

“i give you time to value what you’ve found”

also let roger say “my love” not “my friend” oh my godddd

time and music:

yet again, a new brain showcases the beauty that is jonathan groff’s and aaron lazar’s vocal blend

and wow the vocal arrangements during the last half of time and music! holy shit! and it doesn’t even let up during the end of i feel so much spring!

i love the end of this show; its message is so hopeful honest

tl;dr listen to a new brain and talk to me about anb i have so many thoughts

#a new brain #william finn #musicals #jonathan groff #anb #mine #nobody asked for this but here i am.... desperate for anb content so im making it myself

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