#EOUGHHHH agonies but fully unironically

[soldier-poet-king]

Life is actually infinitely more difficult when you're committed to living. It's so much harder. Everything feels more stuck and annoying and you don't have this secret mental backdoor to rely upon. I know that sounds incredibly fucked up and bad (it is! Def unhealthy!) but now that I want to live, really truly want it, every ache and dysfunction that drove me to die in the first time seems that much heavier because I can't pretend I'm ever going to really escape it.

#franposting #uhhh #suicide mention cw #I guess??? #im ok. i mean im upset and cranky and my family is just #its sometimes harder now #that i want to live. #than it was when i was like. oh well doesnt matter ill die before the years end anyway #where's that john darnielle bit about learning to live after wanting to kill urself for so long #u know the one #BECAUSE HE GETS IT #and im here gnawing at the walls #desperate to move out. incredibly lonely. but with no extracurriculars because im so tired #and my hip hurts constantly. and im broke. and also stuck on the shitty ass suburbs and only very rarely have car access #and no activitities or ppl i like are nearby #EOUGHHHH agonies but fully unironically #i need a vacation. but also like. a million dollars and new joints and irl friends