#Competent person who it's unreasonable to be judging so harshly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

towardsagentlerworld · 7 years

Text

That comic on the “mental load” of housework (cw: gender discourse) has shown up on my Facebook feed again. My thoughts:

The “mental load” is definitely a lot of work, and I can believe that it’s likely gendered (eg. women might be socialized to care about cleanliness more, or judged more harshly when their living spaces are messy). It’s absolutely a legitimate complaint to say “my partner relies on me to handle all of the housework logistics and it’s exhausting”.

That said, there’s a framing to this comic I don’t like. It’s something like “any reasonable person can look at a room, figure out what housework needs to be done, and do it” -- and more importantly, “any two reasonable people who look at a room will notice the same things and come to the same conclusions about what needs to be done”. Cleanliness is subjective; I might be bothered by the clutter on the dining table but fail to notice the dustbunnies on the floor; my partner might think that the unswept floor looks filthy but that the table looks fine. If I’m acting as the “housework manager”, and I give my partner open-ended directions to clean the dining area, I might end up frustrated that they completely failed to tidy the obviously cluttered table. But this isn’t them being unreasonable; we just have different preferences.

I’ve been on both sides of the “housework manager” / “delegated helper” dichotomy, and being the delegated helper to a manager who expects you to read their mind and remember all their preferences can be really exhausting and stressful (maybe even more exhausting than being the housework manager yourself). When I was growing up, my dad had all sorts of hard-to-predict preferences about which house tasks should get done and when; I remember countless evenings where he’d be cooking and ask me to the set the table, and after setting the table I’d hover awkwardly, knowing that he wanted me to be of more help but not knowing what he wanted me to prioritize. I’d cycle through a whole list of thoughts -- “the dishwasher seems full, maybe I should run it? Or will the noise bother him and he’ll get annoyed at me for not figuring out that I should wait until after dinner? He seems to be done with that chopping board for now, maybe I should rinse it? Or is he going to use it to slice bread later and won’t want it to be wet? Maybe if I dry it with a towel....?” I’d generally end up taking a few furtive actions, hoping I didn’t do anything wrong, and then running away to hide in my room until dinner was ready. This was not the best or kindest strategy I could take, but he’d also get frustrated when I asked him what I should be doing (“can’t you just look and see what needs to be done? I can’t handle everything here!”) so I really didn’t know what else to do.

Once I moved out and got my own place, I was surprised to find out that I was reasonably competent at handling my own housework. I’d always gotten the impression from my dad that I didn’t know how to keep house, but it was actually that I didn’t know how to keep house exactly how he wanted it kept, and so I’d acquired a sense of helplessness around the situation and basically given up. But once I had ownership over my living space and didn’t have to optimize for someone else’s preferences, I actually enjoyed a lot of housework.

#gender roles #housework #relationships

95 notes · View notes

mrsteveecook · 5 years

Text

is being visibly stressed at work a sign of commitment?

A reader writes:

Can you advise on a discussion I was having with a colleague?

We were chatting casually and I said that whenever she has been panicked and overwhelmed in the past — and felt sure everyone would blame her for the unfolding disaster with a client — it has always turned out well. She has even been acclaimed recently for how she handled a tough situation which she was sure would reflect terribly on her. She is good at her job and widely seen that way.

I said she would enjoy work more if she was able to deal with difficult situations and tough clients calmly. I didn’t say this part, but I also feel it would be better for junior staff who I see getting really unnerved by an atmosphere of panic. I then spend time reassuring them that they are doing a good job and no one else sees them as party to an unfolding disaster (usually it’s just a standard working week).

We are a big office, so I don’t want to exaggerate her impact on the wider atmosphere — but working on projects with her is working in a sea of negativity, especially about clients who I mostly find to be nice people who are not doing anything to merit the constant cursing as soon as their backs are turned.

She acknowledged that when she had shown this stress in the past it had been unwarranted. But she said it was partly beyond her control, and partly that she wanted people in the office to know whenever she was stressed. She said it was a way to show you care about the work you are doing — she wouldn’t trust someone too laid back. I replied that I would think twice about hiring anyone who couldn’t handle stress, that I would worry they would take it out on colleagues or one day snap and never return — that someone more level headed is a safer bet. I didn’t add that it makes her a difficult person to work with.

Obviously there is a happy medium between panic-stricken and excessively laid-back, but what precisely is that balance? I am pretty sure she is not striking it, but I do wonder if I am either? Am I getting judged harshly for being pretty level-headed — as less invested in the work? How do you show you are serious about your work and competent without the histrionics?

You show that you are competent by doing good work. You show that you are serious about your work by taking your work seriously — acting with a sense of urgency, flagging issues early on rather than waiting until they blow up, being flexible when you need to in order to meet deadlines or get the right results, seeking input when something is high-stakes or new to you, making a point of learning from past projects so you’re constantly improving, both soliciting and welcoming feedback, and being respectful toward coworkers, clients, and others you come into contact with.

Your coworker is failing dramatically on that point. It’s not respectful to curse about clients as soon as their backs are turned (and in fact, that would make me think your coworker doesn’t take her work seriously enough). And it’s not respectful to “want people in the office to know whenever she’s stressed” — that’s transferring her own stress over to them and making less life pleasant for them.

You’re also absolutely right that it makes her look like she can’t handle the demands of the job. That’s not to say that anyone who ever shows stress at work looks like they can’t handle the work. But someone who’s visibly and vocally stressed on a regular basis, and who makes a point of performing that stress so others will notice it, is indeed going to come across as breaking under the pressure of the role. That doesn’t inspire confidence in the people around them, and it can have real consequences for the work because some people will stop bringing them questions or new tasks during that time and may hesitate to provide necessary feedback, for fear of adding to their burden (or causing them to crack).

You asked if you’re coming across as less invested in your work because you’re level-headed. If you’re in a reasonably healthy workplace, I doubt it very much. Reasonable people don’t look at someone who’s getting excellent results in her realm and think, “But it doesn’t seem like she cares enough.” (That does happen in unhealthy environments, though — usually in the context of trying to hold you to unreasonable expectations about things like work hours. But you don’t want to alter your behavior to cater to that.) In a healthy environment, you show your commitment by ensuring your work is good, not by emotional displays about it.

If you are close with your colleague, it’s worth going back to her and saying something like, “I was thinking about our conversation about stress. There’s something I didn’t say at the time that’s been weighing on me since then because I know it’s something I would want to hear if I were in your shoes: When you share so much of your stress, it creates so much negativity that it can make working with you difficult. I’ve noticed our junior staff are particularly unnerved by it, and I’ve had to spend time reassuring them that things are fine. I think you do amazing work, but sometimes this does make it tough to work with you.” You may not have the kind of relationship where you can say that — but if you do, you’d be doing her (and everyone else in your office) a genuine service.