mrsteveecook

[mrsteveecook]

is it ethical not to ask for more work when you have room to do more?

A reader writes:

Is it ethical to not ask for more work, even when you could do it, if it’s more than others at your level are doing? I’m a high-achieving secretary at an education organization. This is just a job for me to pay the bills while I go to school, which it does, but barely. I support more staff than any of the other secretaries at my level, including a newly minted director of a new department (who only took the promotion if I could stay her secretary). I also handle a project entirely on my own that is usually the domain of higher level support staff, and I tend to be the girl Friday for anyone and anything in my department and even in the wider org.

All that being said, because I have such a high drive to work, I often finish my work and have time to spare. I know the traditional wisdom is to ask for more work, but in this case it would mean someone else’s projects/people being given to me. I don’t want that, because it’s not like I’d be getting paid more, and it might cause friction among the other secretaries who would have their stuff moved to me.

Right now I spend extra time reading education-related articles, watching tutorials and stuff on marketing and marketing tools (the new director is director of media/marketing and I do a ton of design stuff for her), etc. — stuff that’s tangentially related but not necessarily my job directly.

The petty selfish part of me doesn’t want to ask for more work because I am tired of being a shining star and my only reward being more work. It was fulfilling to a point, but when I look at my paycheck and see I’m making barely over minimum wage, I get demoralized. So is it okay to not ask for more work and to keep flying under the radar as a superstar but not quite working to what I know is my full potential? Or should I be asking for more work and all that entails because it might be good for me further down the line in some way I can’t envision right now?

For what it’s worth, I plan to ask for a raise/promotion to a higher secretary level later this year, but I don’t know if that will go over well with how old-fashioned it is around here.

It’s okay not to ask for more work.

Presumably there’s a set of expectations for your position that you need to meet, and it sounds like you’re meeting them.

From there, it’s up to you whether you want to go above and beyond and do more. And it’s completely okay if you decide that you don’t.

There are some exceptions to this. Like if you were a social worker with a client in a terrible situation, knew you could help but chose not to since you’d already hit your metrics for that quarter, even though you had free time, that wouldn’t be okay. But those situations are exceptions rather than the norm. Of course, it can be more complicated than that in some types of nonprofit work, where there’s always an underlying feeling that the more you work, the more you’re advancing the organization’s mission (a mission that might be very personally important to you and/or the world) … and that’s a feeling some nonprofits take full advantage of, to the detriment of their staff. But these are exceptions, not the rule.

Generally speaking, if you’re meeting your goals, you’re doing your job and you’re not obligated to ask to volunteer to do more.

That said, there can be real benefits to volunteering for more — that can be what gets you more recognition, more money, more projects you want, promotions, etc. That assumes you’re in an office that responds that way, of course — and if you’re not, there’s far less incentive to do that. Although even then, that extra work can be what gives you more options when you leave — by building your reputation, giving you impressive things for your resume, etc.

It sounds like you might be performing well enough that you’re already getting those benefits! And look around and see that the level of work you’re putting in is positioning you well for whatever outcomes you want, then so be it.

You may also like:

is it possible to care too much about your job?

do I really need to stay at work late to “show dedication”?

how should you decide which battles to pick at work?

is it ethical not to ask for more work when you have room to do more? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2V7xn9s

[mrsteveecook]

update: I slept through an entire day of work

Remember the letter-writer who slept through an entire day of work? She updated a few months later to say she’d sought medical help about her fatigue. Here’s the latest update.

I’ve been at my new job a year now, and 9 months since sleeping through a full day of work. That exhaustion episode turned into months of doctor’s appointments and eventual diagnoses for: Crohn’s disease, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, fibromyalgia, anemia, and multiple vitamin deficiencies. One of the medications for one of those caused another unrelated major organ to begin malfunctioning, and also brings with it an increased risk of certain cancers that require regular screenings. I go to multiple doctors, labs, and hospitals on average 2-3 times/month, and it has certainly made work life, and life in general, pretty challenging. At times I wondered if I’d have to simply say “nope” to my ideal career as a mover and shaker, as well as other future life aspirations.

All that said, somehow I finagled a raise in July (what?!) and get the not-so-sneaky-feeling that my boss is grooming me for a leadership position. It’s been a wild rollercoaster ride of a year, to say the least. I wanted to share my “lessons learned” with you and the readers (whom I affectionately refer to in my head as “The Peanut Gallery”).

1. Alison & reader consensus/advice – I credit you all with removing the stigma of shame from my initial exhaustion episode, and spurring me to seek real medical attention. In particular, commenter Wendy Darling made a note about how US culture makes us sometimes feel that poor health is our fault, like a moral failing. I realized this was spot-on for me, and putting it into words went a long way towards mediating the effects. Other commenters really hammered home the importance of self-care and avoiding repeat events, which I’ve made strides towards (but continue to work at… I’ve learned that “aspirational” and “ambitious” aren’t always compliments!).

2. None of this would be possible without my excellent manager and colleagues. I mean, really. I feel forever indebted to the folks at work for their compassion, understanding, and flexibility. I don’t know how anybody with chronic illness can function in a hostile or unaccommodating work environment, truthfully. It’s only because of my workplace accommodations that I’m still able to do my best work despite constantly (literally constantly) being sick, and I’m so grateful to feel that I’m still valued. Plus, being able to work makes me feel like a contributing member of society and gives me respite from the other yuckiness.

3. Chronic illness is a lot of things, but “chronic” is right there in the name. For a while, my coworkers would ask if I was feeling better (daily), until I got around to explaining, one-by-one, that I might never actually feel better and that I needed to just take some time to find my new normal (but thank you for your concern!). In our line of work “finding the new normal” is a familiar concept (albeit in a different context), so thankfully I think we’re all on the same page.

4. I worked a modified work schedule for about 3-4 months. Due to the nature of my illnesses, I have good days and bad days but almost nothing about it is predictable. My doctors and I thought maybe a day-in/day-out alternating schedule would help, so that on good days I could still be productive remotely and on bad days when I had to be in the office I only had to make it through that one day before knowing there would be a recovery day following. It also allowed me to schedule health-related appointments when I was already remote, which cut back on disruptiveness. We went this path instead of invoking modified disability or part-time work.

5. I preemptively decided to come back to the office full-time before the official start date because I was finding that the back and forth was disrupting my workflow, and being in the office full-time felt more manageable once I got 2 of my worst symptoms under control. Plus, to be fully honest, if my boss thinks I could potentially be a leader here, then I’m still going to be hellbent on climbing upwards.

6. I’ve had to cut back on travel but keep in close contact with my boss about what seems manageable. My boss continues to be phenomenal about reallocating work – the team in general is willing to play to each other’s strengths, even if it means shuffling job responsibilities and roles on an ad hoc basis. For projects where I cut back on travel, I do more of what I like to think of as “ground support” (managing relationships, putting my writing/editing skills to good use, strategic oversight, etc.). Our work by nature is chaotic, so this is probably less wonky in our industry than it might be in others.

7. Ultimately, I decided (stubbornly, as some commenters noted), “Hey, this chronically ill thing is not for me.” I’m not delusional – it can’t be cured and the best I can hope for is remission. It requires a truly stupid amount of managing in both lifestyle/diet choices and organization (and money! Holy moly, the healthcare costs even with insurance). But I am an ambitious/stubborn person and I can’t imagine a life where I’m limited because of my autoimmune illnesses. I gots things to do, places to be! Actually, it’s a little funny because it seems that both my autoimmune system and I are overachievers in this situation.

Mostly in my ups and downs I learned that “ill” doesn’t mean incompetent. You still have valuable qualities to lend to your workplace, although balancing work, life, and wellness will be at times unfairly challenging. I briefly considered contracting either a concierge medical service or a personal patient advocate, because at times the volume of appointments, follow-ups, and bills was overwhelming. Ultimately I chose not to, but I’m grateful to know that services are available to help manage the “full-time patient lifestyle” in the event that you’re both a “full-time patient” and also happen to be a “full-time” something else, and actually want to accomplish other things!

In 2019 I hope to see clinical signs pointing towards remission, and I’ve set my sights on finishing my doctoral degree that was rudely interrupted by health issues. Hopefully after that, more time for enjoyable life experiences and maybe, just maybe, a promotion.

You may also like:

update: I don’t want to share my personal life with nosy coworkers

my boss wants to give me his kidney — but I don’t want it

updates: the soda policer, the person who slept through a day of work, and more

update: I slept through an entire day of work was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2vAMKbw

[mrsteveecook]

what conversation starters can I use at industry events?

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

My industry requires me to go to a lot of events, especially when travelling. I work in sales so it is expected that I’ll use my time to mingle with people and build relationships. The trouble is that I have NO IDEA TO WHAT TO TALK ABOUT at these parties — no one wants to talk about work, and I struggle for more personal conversation topics.

My go-to questions are usually:

asking about and/or complaining about the weather

asking if they’ve been to this event before / how many years they’ve been attending this event

do they enjoy travelling / what are their favorite destinations

…?

Part of my problem is that I’m still dealing with imposter syndrome, and many of the people I meet are older, more established in the industry, have more impressive educations and often come from more privileged backgrounds. They’re also usually straight, while I am visibly queer. It leaves me feeling like we have no common ground, and that my conversation will be a boring imposition on them — which I know is a self-defeating prophesy.

I’m at the point of googling “how to talk to people?!?” — so you know I’m desperate. Do you or your readers have any suggestions?

Readers?

You may also like:

how to say “stop following me” at an event

how do I network with a senior person when I’m much more junior?

actually useful questions to ask in informational interviews

what conversation starters can I use at industry events? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2UV9sVG

[mrsteveecook]

Watch The Great Tiny Desk Contest Videos We Discovered This Week

Our judges are one week closer to picking this year's winner! In the meantime, we hope you discover a new song or artist to love out of our favorite entries from this week.

(Image credit: YouTube)

from All Songs Considered : NPR https://n.pr/2DL6q0J

[mrsteveecook]

my coworker doesn’t follow her own fragrance ban, my mentor got fired, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker doesn’t follow her own fragrance ban

I have a coworker who’s sensitive to smells. It’s so bad that our entire office is under a strict “no heavy perfume or scented lotions” rule. The person who’s “sensitive” is so sensitive that she claims to get asthma from strong scents. She has been known to stand over people with her hand in front of her face “gagging” or complaining of migraines from a smell she smells.

Here’s where the hypocrisy comes in. She herself wears a perfume DAILY. And it’s not just a light pleasant aroma that’s barely detectable. Oh no — it’s actually gag-inducing and lingers for a half an hour if she’s used a room for something. She’s hugged me for various accomplishments and then I was stuck with that scent until I walked outside to air it out for 15 minutes.

Is there a tactful way to approach her, because the rest of the building adheres to a rule in place FOR HER, but yet she doesn’t adhere to it.

People who have bad reactions to fragrances don’t always have those reactions across the board — one scent might set someone off while another doesn’t. So the fact that she has at least one fragrance that she knows is safe for her doesn’t mean that she’s misrepresenting her fragrance sensitivity in general (which I think is what you’re implying, based on your language here).

However, if there’s a fragrance ban in your office, she needs to follow it. She might be figuring that it was put in place for her and she knows what will and won’t set her off so she can wear things she knows will be fine for her — but that’s not how this works. There may be others there who need the ban as well but who didn’t think they needed to speak up about it because it already existed … but even if there aren’t, it’s an office rule and she needs to follow it. And really, that’s in her best interests anyway, since otherwise other people will figure they can get lax about it too.

Ideally you’d talk to her directly: “Jane, you’re wearing a scent that I seem to be sensitive to. Can I ask you not to wear it to work, in line with the office rule about fragrances?” But in this case, you sound so frustrated with her (and like you’re longer in a mindset where you can give her much benefit of the doubt) that you’re better off having HR handle it; otherwise this seems likely to go badly. It’s reasonable to ask HR to enforce this kind of policy; just be sure when you talk to them that you frame it as “this is giving me a physical reaction” and/or “can you help enforce this policy?” and not as “Jane is a huge hypocrite.”

2. My mentor got fired and now I’m questioning what she taught me

I started a new job in payroll last July and on my first day got paired up with Jane, a current employee. Jane had been handling most of my job for a few months and also had years of experience with payroll even though she was in a different department here. At the time, Jane was presented as an excellent resource for me to find out about the job and the company as a whole. We even were given an office to share, so she would be readily available to answer any questions that I had. We had many long conversations about her experience and opinions of the company and her input really shaped my impression of my job.

Six months after I started, Jane was fired. Since then, I have heard snide remarks about Jane from others in her department that she was not a good employee.

I have not been able to reconcile the first six months of working with Jane with this new information. Even though I didn’t take all of her advice, I did listen to everything she told me and believed much of it because of her experience. For instance, she told me a particular manager was terrible at his job (a position that she had before), yet I have heard positive feedback about him from others now. Should I forget everything that Jane told me? How should I filter out the good from the bad?

Do what you would do if you’d never had those in-depth conversations with Jane: form your own impressions, based on your own experiences with people, and reserve judgment about people you don’t work with yourself.

It’s possible that Jane’s impressions were all pretty right on. It’s also possible that they were way off, or somewhere in between. You’ll probably have a better idea of how you rate her accuracy once you start forming your own impressions and can check how well they line up with what she told you. You might find you come to similar conclusions, or really different ones. Stay open-minded and see what happens.

One thing to think about though: If Jane was very quick to share negative opinions about others when you started, that’s actually a strike against her. People with good judgment usually don’t rush to dump negativity onto a new hire and will be more discreet. So if looking back, that’s what happened, I’d bring some additional skepticism to bear.

3. My boss cancels our check-in meetings because he has schedule conflicts

I have a recurring 1:1 with my boss every two weeks. More often than not, he’ll cancel or reschedule and just say, “I have a conflict.” I can see his calendar and it’s usually because he’s attending another meeting.

I’m an associate level employee but not new to the workforce (had a career change), so I’m not wide eyed and frightened to make mistakes and speak up like many of us were right out of college. I do understand managers get called into other priorities. But corporate culture also made me sit through a course on micro-aggressions and suggested that when people do things like this, they are basically saying “you’re less important than this other thing.” I don’t think it’s that extreme, but I’ve only been on his team for six months and I would think he’d want to do a bit more to help me feel acclimated, included, and comfortable. He often reminds me that he has an open door policy, which is fine, but he also agreed with me from day one that 1:1’s are a good way to check in.

Am I overreacting? Over-thinking? Or am I in good standing to say, “When you reschedule our biweekly check-ins so casually, it makes me think that 1) you can’t manage your own time so you can’t manage me, 2) you are making me feel alienated on this team and 3) I don’t trust you have time for me”?

I wouldn’t say it like that, but it goes along with that fact that I’m not brand new to the workforce: I have less patience for managers who can’t seem to manage and I don’t know how to politely say what I need anymore. The other wrench is that in six months I barely have any work assigned to me, so the 1:1s aren’t really necessary other than a forum for me to say that I’m waiting for work and doing my best to stay busy. I don’t have a reason to visit him otherwise (open door policy) so I feel I personally need these scheduled sessions to check in.

Your take on this is way more aggressive/negative than it needs to be, to the point that it’s slightly alarming.

By all means, if you want to meet with your manager more regularly, tell him that! It’s fine to say, “We’ve been canceling a lot of our 1:1s and I’d really like to make sure we meet regularly. Can we make a point of rescheduling for the same week if you need to push it back?” Also, when he cancels, you can reply with, “Can we reschedule for tomorrow afternoon?” or “When is good for you to reschedule?”

But seeing this an indication of disrespect or an inability to manage his own time or you is reading way too much into it, and is way too adversarial. Frankly, if you don’t have a lot of work going on (which is a separate issue), it’s not surprising that he figures there’s not a lot to meet about (you acknowledge in your letter that they’re barely necessary!), and he’s probably relying on you to speak up if you do need the meeting that week.

The lack of work is a legitimate concern though. If you haven’t already, I’d address that head-on, say that you really want to do the work you were hired for, and try to find out what’s going on and when that’s likely to change.

4. My coworker keeps texting me about non-emergencies

I work at a small nonprofit that’s recently experienced a lot of staff turnover. When I was helping to onboard two new admin colleagues, I explained that my work email doesn’t forward to my phone once I’ve left the office but that they could have my cell phone number so they always had a way to get in touch if there was an emergency after hours or on weekends.

One of them has only texted once, with something both time-sensitive and important. The other texts me regularly on my day off, or early in the morning and late in the evening on work days, about things that are work-related but not even close to being emergencies. At first I tried not responding to non-emergency texts that came on my day off, but got more texts and an in-person “are you getting my texts? I’m not sure if they’re going through.” I explained that they’d come in while I was busy with other things, which took priority because it was my day off.

The last time I got a text before 7 am, I replied, “Let’s talk about what to do about the problem when I get to the office.” Which worked for that day, but hasn’t stopped the bigger issue of getting woken up by work texts. My colleague is retired and working for us part-time, while I’m newly married and work 50-hour weeks. I mention this not as a judgment or competition, but because I expect that she may have more mental/emotional space to devote to our organization outside of our set work hours. (This dynamic, though, also makes addressing this more complicated — I’m in my mid-20s, but have been at this job for years and have a relatively senior position on our small staff. But I feel like a little kid around her, and don’t know how much of that is me feeling self-conscious about my youth, and how much of it is me actually being treated like I’m more junior here than I am.)

I like her! Do I just ignore texts that come in at all odd hours? I’ve tried subtlety in explaining that any work that *can* wait for office hours will have to wait for office hours, but to no apparent success. If I have to have a more direct conversation about this, what do I say?

Stop with the subtlety and just tell her directly! You can be really matter-of-fact about it: “I apologize if I wasn’t clear when I gave you my cell number. It’s for emergencies only. Please always email me rather than texting, unless something is true an emergency like (example) or (example).” That it! She might feel a little embarrassed to realize she’s been doing it wrong, but so be it — a little embarrassment isn’t the worst thing in the world, and there’s no getting around that if you want this to stop.

Then if you get another non-emergency text, ignore it until you’re back at work, at which point you can say, “Like I said, please do not text me unless it’s an emergency. Instead, please email me about things like (latest example).” And if it still continues: “For some reason we’re having trouble straightening this out! I really don’t want work texts unless it’s an emergency, so going forward I’m not going to respond to texts until I’m back at work.”

You’ve been expecting her to pick up on hints — which would work with many people. But it’s clearly not working with her, so you have to be more direct.

5. Will I look like a jerk if I clean my new office’s disgusting kitchen?

I recently started a new job and the office is less than glamorous, which is usually the nature of my job. However, the shared kitchen space is disgusting — and everyone seems ok with that. The microwave isn’t cleaned — like it REALLY isn’t cleaned, there are food crumbs all over an old tablecloth, and the room just smells like dust.

Do I come across as a jerk or someone who thinks they are better than those existing in a gross space by discreetly cleaning out the appliances I intend to use to heat up lunch once in a while? I’ve been trying to tackle small stuff while I heat up lunch when nobody is in there, so I am being discreet so as not to come across as uppity while I am new and forming a reputation.

It’s unlikely that people will think you’re expressing contempt for them through cleaning; if anything, they’re likely to appreciate someone is cleaning, or they might feel mildly embarrassed (sometimes when someone new arrives on the scene, you suddenly realize what your office must look like to a newcomer’s eyes).

I wouldn’t go in there with a mop and cleaning bucket and wipe down all the walls or anything, but wiping out the microwave and sweeping crumbs into the trash aren’t likely to come across as Making A Statement.

You may also like:

our group member has a fragrance sensitivity – and we’re supposed to be hugged to check for any scents

my coworker won’t stop telling me that I smell

is it weird to have an essential oil diffuser in my office?

my coworker doesn’t follow her own fragrance ban, my mentor got fired, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2PFVlmh

[mrsteveecook]

How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed (by Everything on Your Plate)

True purpose has no time limit.  True purpose has no deadline.  Don’t stress and overwhelm yourself.  Just do what you can right now.

We all have days, weeks, months and—for some—even years of feeling anxious and overwhelmed with the work we have yet to do.  It’s an elusive feeling that aches from deep within.  From the outside, people think you have it all together, but they can’t see what’s going on in your head.  Stress fills your thoughts and emotions all too often, nagging at you throughout the day.  You have so many things to do and they never seem to get done.  You always feel a day late and a buck short.  The pressure is intense and overwhelming.

Consider an email I got recently from a course student named Gale (sharing this with permission):

“…the older I get the harder it is to feel peaceful and successful.  I’m a wife and a working mom of two, and the thing is, I know I’d feel happier and more effective if my family and I didn’t have so many extra curricular obligations.  But we do.  I have a weekend job where I teach and lead a youth group my daughter is enrolled in, I help my husband coach our son’s soccer team, I lead a prayer group at my church, and the list goes on and on.

Right now, the only way to get everything done is to sleep less and hustle more, but I’ve noticed that I feel sick and can’t really do things well when I haven’t gotten enough sleep.  And I want to take care of my health as well, so I’ve been sleeping eight full hours for the last few nights.  And inevitably, now I’m terribly behind on everything again.”

I can relate all too well, because that’s exactly how Marc and I felt before we started simplifying our lifestyle.  We were being pulled in dozens of different directions every day and never had enough time to get everything done.  Naturally, we wanted to do a great job with each obligation we had, and somehow we had convinced ourselves that we could do it all.  But the reality was we were stretched way too thin, and thus we were doing a lousy job at everything and completely stressing ourselves out in the process.

So to Gale, and to everyone else who feels this way, here’s the harsh truth (more…)

from Marc and Angel Hack Life http://bit.ly/2V8c5bR

[mrsteveecook]

why can’t I wear shorts to work?

A reader writes:

I recently hired an entry-level employee. This is her first office/full-time job ever, so part of my job is also making sure she understands office norms. Today during our weekly check-in, we were talking about the weather getting warmer and she made a comment about needing to buy more shorts for during the week. I explained that shorts aren’t appropriate work attire, even at our semi-casual office. She thanked me for letting her know, and asked if dresses and skirts are okay office wear. I said of course, as long as they are an appropriate length (knee or close to knee length).

However, all this got me thinking— why are dresses and skirts okay for the office when shorts are not? Is it just based on societal norms, or is there a reason we view shorts as unprofessional, but allow other clothes that do expose legs?

First, we need to stipulate here that we’re talking about offices that adhere to what’s generally considered a business dress code. There are offices where shorts are fine, just like there are offices where sweatpants are fine. But when we’re talking about what’s generally considered business wear, typically that excludes shorts (despite what fashion magazines would have you think).

As for why shorts aren’t typically considered business wear  … I can only speculate.

You’re right that it doesn’t make logical sense that a skirt of the same length and material would be fine when shorts are not. But a lot of standards of professional dress are fairly arbitrary, and are conventions only because they’ve become conventions, not necessarily because there’s any inherent logic to them.

That said, a commenter here once speculated that the no-shorts rule stems from the fact that the rule used to be no bare skin below the waist. For pants, this meant no shorts. For skirts, this meant you’d have to wear pantyhose. When businesses started dropping the pantyhose requirement, we lost the consistency between the two.

But clothes in general, and the signals they send, are entirely constructs of culture. Think, for example, of the way a shirt might read as professional when it’s made out of silk, but the identical shirt in cotton would read as much more casual. There’s no inherently “right” reason for this; it’s just that we’ve evolved for all sorts of reasons (especially economic and classist ones) to see silk as nicer/more businessy and cotton as less so. Similarly, as a culture, we read shorts as more casual than skirts or pants. We see theem as one step closer to beach wear.

Some of this, I think, is probably rooted in comfort. If you think about clothes that are traditionally considered business wear and clothes that aren’t, there’s often (not always) a comfort divide. Compare, for instance, the comfort level of a track suit versus a structured business suit. Surely you can do good work in either one — but as a society, we’ve always used clothes to communicate messages about who we are and what we’re doing. (And this thinking still really persists. Think of the common advice to dress  in work clothes when you’re working from home, to get yourself into a work “mindset.”)

And I think that’s the practical take-away for work: as a society we’ve decided certain clothes send certain messages. That said, this stuff can be worth pushing back on if you’ve got capital to spend and are invested in changing it.

You may also like:

how can I dress professionally in horrible summer heat?

where’s the line between pretty clothes and professional clothes?

is it okay for your bra straps to show at work?

why can’t I wear shorts to work? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2XZZ1SK

[mrsteveecook]

an employee’s husband emailed me to complain

A reader writes:

Our corporate office manages several apartment complexes in other cities. One manager transferred from one complex to another when the manager position came open. Shortly thereafter, her husband emailed our boss, complaining about how his wife is treated by the company. He also said that he had not told his wife about emailing the company. I believe the boss emailed the husband back, although I have no clue what was written. Knowing our boss, it was probably a defense or dismissal written in a tone of absolute authority without appeal. Nothing further was mentioned to me about it.

Should it (oddly) happen again, what would you do? What would you have done in the previous case?

I answer this question — and four others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

My boss asked my employee how often I’m in the office

Interviewing to replace someone being fired for lacking a can-do attitude

My new employer just asked for my references — after we’d already set a start date

Employees who deliberately work slowly in order to get more paid more

You may also like:

my husband emailed my manager about our decision for me to resign

I emailed my girlfriend’s boss to complain that he encroached on our relationship

is it weird to have your spouse visit you at your office?

an employee’s husband emailed me to complain was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2DKY0GB

[mrsteveecook]

my employee is hassling coworkers about their clothes, their language, and her feelings

A reader writes:

I hired a new team member, “Jane,” six months ago. She’s competent and diligent, but now that she’s coming out of her shell, her rigidity around her idea of professional norms are quickly alienating her team members as well as other people on staff.

* She complains about women colleagues’ workwear for being too revealing. It’s not.

* She is offended by cursing in the office — she is firmly against it to the point of lecturing other employees. There’s a sales environment in our office and the occasional profanity or swear is common and fine here.

* She is very thin-skinned and takes personal offense at seemingly everything. She has been offended by people asking her to repeat something she said, at being given a solution to a problem that she brought forward, at other colleagues having personal conversations around her, but not including her — pretty much all normal, innocuous interactions in a workplace.

People here are in their late 20s-50s for the most part, and we have a good rapport among our team members, but I do see them pulling away from Jane because she does take a lot of energy to deal with. Everyone is busy with work, and it’s a lot for one coworker to be consistently on the verge of tears after every interaction, asking for private meetings to discuss how her feelings were hurt, and no one wants to be lectured because they dropped an f bomb in an open office, or a woman decided to wear a skirt that falls above her knees.

One team member, Margaery, has been a constant target of Jane’s lectures. Margaery has a lot of stock at this company because she’s results-oriented and her projects are highly successful. She also uses profanity (not in a customer-facing role) and wears trendy clothing, not inappropriate, but more daring than Jane’s conservative/modest dress. Jane has made it clear that she thinks Margaery is slutty and unprofessional. This flies in the face of 1) our company culture, in which Margaery is fine and normal and 2) reality — Margaery has been working in this field for longer than Jane, and Jane could learn a lot from Margaery’s professional brand, particularly when it comes to building productive and lasting relationships with many different kinds of people.

Jane constantly asks how she can move up the ladder and get a promotion. Her work is fine, but she’s losing credibility among her colleagues and Margaery has already been to HR to discuss the “gendered harassment” she receives from Jane. I know as a manager I’ve messed up by letting it get this far. At the beginning, I considered it to just be a minor interpersonal dispute until many employees came forward with complaints about Jane. I understand now how that was wrong, but I don’t know how to manage her I’ve had previous conversations with Jane on focusing more on her work and less around policing the clothing and language of those around her, as well as assuming positive intent before feeling insulted/slighted by normal work requests and she seems to understand but then goes back to her old behavior. It is also hard to have these conversations with her because she always goes back to “this hurts my feelings.”

At this point, I’m worried that we’re heading towards a PIP, and I’d like some language and coaching actions to avoid that, particularly around her issues with policing women for their bodies, clothing, and language. I’m a 30something male and maybe this isn’t even the right tack for me to take.

First, for Game of Thrones fans, I want to say that when you sent me this letter, you named Jane “the High Sparrow” and referred to her that way throughout, which I think is hilarious and apt, but I changed it to Jane so as not to baffle people who don’t know the books or the show.

Anyway … To handle this well, you’ve got to be prepared to fire Jane. That doesn’t mean that you’ll end up needing to, but you’ve got to believe that what she’s doing is so toxic and disruptive that you’d be willing to fire her if it doesn’t change. Being clear on that in your head will help you take the right actions here and convey the seriousness of the situation when you talk to Jane.

Because it is serious, and it is something you should fire her over if it continues after clear warnings. Margaery is right that this is gendered harassment, and you cannot allow it to continue. (Imagine if a man on your team were constantly complaining the clothes of professionally dressed women on your team were too revealing. It’s super gross and offensive. You need a zero tolerance policy for it.) It’s also really disruptive for Jane to be constantly taking offense at innocuous actions and to be asked to do so much work to manage Jane’s feelings.

You said you want to avoid a PIP, but why? It sounds like you’ve tried talking to Jane about the problems, and that hasn’t worked. A PIP can be the next logical step to make it clear that the problems are serious and could threaten her job if she doesn’t change. A PIP isn’t supposed to be punitive; it’s supposed to ensure that an employee is very, very clear about the problems with their work, what must change, and when that must happen by. That’s not something to avoid when previous conversations haven’t worked; that’s something to see a tool to ensure Jane doesn’t continue to miss the message, which is very much in her best interests. (Frankly, I might argue that with something like this, where it’s about conduct rather than work quality, you could skip the PIP and just do a clear final warning followed by firing her if the problems continue. But many organizations require PIPs regardless, so adapt accordingly.)

That said, I do want to check how clear you’ve been in these previous conversations. You wrote that you’ve talked to her about “focusing more on her work and less around policing the clothing and language of those around her.” If that’s how you framed it to her, you do need to be more direct. “Focus less on this” leaves a lot of room for her to think she can still do some of it.

Instead, you need to be clearer: “You cannot police the clothing and language of people around you. At this point, your comments on colleagues’ clothes have become harassment. There can be be no more — none. As for language, I want to be clear that the culture in this office is one where occasional profanity is fine. You of course can hold whatever beliefs you want about profanity, but you cannot chastise people for using it in your earshot. If you decide you can’t work here knowing these things are part of the culture, I of course would understand that. But as long as you’re here, you cannot chastise your colleagues, period.” (You could add, “If someone says something out of the ordinary that makes you uncomfortable, you can talk with me or HR.” I’m hesitant to open up that outlet, but you don’t want this to be misinterpreted as, for example, “don’t report harassment.” So for now let’s just focus on getting her to stop hassling her colleagues.)

You also need to say: “As part of your job here, I need you to manage your own feelings professionally, which means staying pleasant and calm with people even when you’re unhappy. When you do X and Y (name the specific behaviors she uses when she’s offended by something), you distract other people from their work and make people wary of coming to you for things they need to do their jobs. If you are upset by something, you can take a short break or raise it with me in our next weekly meeting, but you cannot do X and Y or ask other people to meet with you about your feelings.” (Note this gets away from the language you were using earlier about assuming positive intent. That’s a good place to start, but at this point you’re better off focusing less on what she’s thinking/feeling and more on how she’s acting.)

And then you need to talk about consequences, so that it’s clear this is serious: “We’ve talked about these issues in the past, but I haven’t seen the changes I need. I want to be clear with you that these issues are serious, and could jeopardize your job if they continue. I’m hoping this conversation will be enough to resolve this, but if not, the next step would be a formal improvement plan, where we’d need to let you go at the end of it unless you make these changes.”

Don’t sugarcoat. Be clear, direct, and explicit — this cannot continue and these are the consequences. You’re doing no one any favors by dancing around it.

You may also like:

my coworker keeps sending junior staff to relay messages for her

dating a professor’s son, did I mishandle my time off request, and more

update: is my trainer sabotaging my work?

my employee is hassling coworkers about their clothes, their language, and her feelings was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2Wlx9Is

[mrsteveecook]

Emirates Business Class Reviews: A380 vs 777

The post Emirates Business Class Reviews: A380 vs 777 appeared first on Travel2Next.

Flying Business Class on a long-haul international flight is an experience that can make your trip so much more comfortable. And if you fly Business Class frequently like international music examiner Fiona Berry from Passport and Piano, choosing the right flights can make a huge difference to your trip. Fiona recently flew to Australia and […]

The post Emirates Business Class Reviews: A380 vs 777 appeared first on Travel2Next.

from Travel2Next http://bit.ly/2VCARQF

[mrsteveecook]

should I tell my replacement about a cranky team member, coworkers devise bizarre solutions to simple problems, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should resigning managers share info about team members with their replacements?

I’m preparing to leave my job (by choice), and am training my newly-hired replacement at the moment. This position supervises several folks, and one of them in particular is … quirky. He is compassionate, customer-focused, and dedicated to our clients, but when dealing with other coworkers, he can be cranky (the word “curmudgeon” comes to mind). He also really hates change, and it takes a lot of convincing to get him on board with any changes that impact his particular processes.

Should I give the newbie the heads-up on this? I was not given any insight into his behavior when I started here, so I spent the first few years that I supervised him frustrated and, frankly, unsure why our clients loved him so much. I think that having some background knowledge of his quirks might make things go a little smoother for my replacement; on the other hand, I don’t want to “poison the well” for him by giving his new boss a bad impression.

Yes. When you’re training a replacement, it makes sense to pass along institutional knowledge and context that will help them do their job better, and when you’re training a manager, context about the people she’ll be managing is part of that. That’s why new managers generally get access to team members’ past performance reviews, etc. New managers shouldn’t have to start from scratch figuring out team members, when long histories exist that will give them helpful context. It makes sense for new managers to come in knowing things like: Jane regularly hits her goals out of the park and so we’ve given her as much flexibility as we can, Bob has been talked to repeatedly about missing deadlines and shouldn’t have much rope left, and Lucinda really wants to move into client work next year and has been working on demonstrating she’s ready to do it. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t observe things for themselves and make up their own minds — they should — but without that context, you get situations like Jane bristling because the new manager isn’t giving her the autonomy she’s earned or Bob acting like his deadline problems are new ones.

Of course, you should should keep the info you relay calm and factual — don’t start ranting about how frustrating Bob is to manage, but do calmly explain what challenges you’ve seen and what you’ve learned does and doesn’t. And you can explicitly say, “You might end up with a different take on this and you should get to know him on your own terms, but this is context that might be useful to have.”

2. My coworkers come up with bizarre solutions to simple problems

I am a 25-year-old woman working in payroll in a construction company among mostly men in their 40’s. The other departments in the company (other than my accounting department) are very lax. We have processes in place for how information is communicated from these departments but often these processes are not followed, which leads to disorganization and mistakes. Plus, once the information reaches me to complete the next step, I have to stay late or push other tasks aside to meet the deadline that others had no respect for.

I believe that the solution is for people to follow the process and complete their base line duties. When I bring these issues to our company meetings, I communicate that A is the problem, B is the outcome, and C is the expectation so this can be prevented in the future. I try not to get too specific with situations in the meetings because it would be directly pointing the finger at another coworker and I want to avoid that. But everyone takes it upon themselves to come up with ridiculous and crazy solutions. For example, problem: we paid a vendor late because the invoice wasn’t forwarded to accounting. Crazy solution: “Why don’t we just pay the vendor $1,000 in advance so that if we miss a payment, we are still okay!” (NO! Just send the invoice over! It’s not that hard!)

I am all for brainstorming and creative thinking, but these crazy ideas and “obvious” solutions make my blood boil. They are suggested in pompous tones that make me feel like they think I am an idiot for not thinking of it and for asking my coworkers to follow well thought-out processes. It is so difficult to bite my tongue and not walk away from the meeting furious and feeling steamrolled. How can I communicate that I am interested in enforcing a ready-built solution, not looking for a new one? Am I being close-minded to new possibilities? Am I being too sensitive as a lone woman in a male-dominated industry?

Stop bringing this stuff up in meetings and instead address the problems one-on-one with people as they make the mistakes. That will let you be very clear and direct, rather than trying to be vague so you’re not publicly criticizing people. That way you can use language like, “Bob, because you sent me this invoice one day before it was due, we paid the vendor late and were charged a late fee. We need you to submit invoices at least a week before they’re due.” (And if people repeat the errors, then you escalate and talk with their managers.)

If you instead rely on group meetings, people won’t always know what applies to them and what doesn’t, especially if you’re being intentionally vague about specific situations; some people will tune out because it’s a meeting, and some people will (apparently) think you’re looking for a discussion rather than just conveying instructions. (And gender dynamics can exacerbate that one.) One-on-one conversations significantly up the chances that people will feel more responsibility to pay attention to what you’re saying and do what you’re asking, and they’re less likely to think it’s an invitation for a group brainstorm.

3. Employee chats on the phone with a coworker under guise of work

I have a non-exempt employee who is friends with an exempt coworker in IT. They are often on the phone with each other, with my employee’s work status in “Support” (purportedly she is reporting or resolving an IT issue). However, overhearing her conversations, it’s clear they are chatting. While I feel adequately prepared to talk to an employee making obviously personal phone calls on their cell phone, how can I express to this employee that this behavior is inappropriate? It’s under the guise of work, but happens far too often and she doesn’t have that many IT problems.

Be straightforward about it! “Jane, from what I’ve occasionally overheard, it sounds like you’re having pretty frequent, lengthy phone calls with Bob that aren’t about work. If I have that right, can you scale those back? I’m concerned about how much time they’re taking away from work. If I’ve misunderstood, I’m open to hearing that too.”

I’d include that last line if you’re not positive that you haven’t just happened to overhear the the two-minute social snippets in legitimate support call. But if that’s not the case (like if you sit near enough to her to hear most of it), you can leave that part out.

4. I’m not getting the interesting work I was promised at my new job

A little over a year ago, I took a new job I was very excited about. During the interview, I asked why the previous person in my position had left, and I was told that this was actually a new position that had just been created. My responsibilities were to be a combination of tasks that had not been performed previously and tasks that had been done by others. I was hired for my skill set, not for my knowledge in this particular industry, so I knew I would have a lot to learn and was excited by the challenge.

At first I was busy just learning how the new company worked and looking for opportunities to help out wherever I could. But now that I have become more comfortable and proficient, I am running into problems. Some of the work that falls under my newly created job title was handed off eagerly, but the more interesting, hands-on portions have yet to be transferred. My fellow employees are already skilled in these tasks and seem to have zero interest in either training me or relinquishing these parts of their jobs.

However, I would not have taken this position if it had only included the dry, tedious tasks that I am currently spending most of my time on. How do I approach my boss about expanding my current tasks? And is there any way to assume the workload I thought I was going to be given without alienating the people currently doing the tasks (and doing them well)?

The fact that it’s been a year of this might make it harder to address, since your boss now might be used to seeing your role the way it is. Ideally you would have spoken up earlier — like no later than six months in — but you still can and should speak up now.

Talk to your boss and say something like, “When I was brought on, the things I was most excited about doing in the role were X, Y, and Z, which we’d talked a lot about in the interview. I’ve been focusing on learning how the company runs and doing things like A and B, but now that I’ve been here a year, I want to finish getting those pieces moved over to me and wanted to talk with you about the timeline for that.”

You don’t say whether you’re explicitly told your coworkers that you’re supposed to be taking those items on, or directly asked you to transfer them. Ideally that would have happened with your boss’s involvement much earlier on, but if no one’s done that, it’s possible that they don’t realize it’s supposed to. Because it’s been a year, it would be weird to just announce it to them now without your boss’s involvement — but you should absolutely try to get the ball rolling with her now.

If your boss doesn’t seem on board, you could say, “I want to be transparent that these responsibilities were the reason I took the job, and it’s important to me to be able to do the job I signed on for. Is there any way to make that happen, or is the way the role is currently configured the way you expect it to stay for the foreseeable future?” If your boss has any savviness, she should know the subtext there is that you’re considering whether it makes sense to stay — reflection that would indeed be the right next step at that point.

5. Should I wait to update LinkedIn with my new job?

I started a new job with a new company a few days ago. It seems to be a great fit, awesome boss, collaborative environment … the whole package.

I’ve read in multiple online forums/blogs/career sites to wait “X” amount of time before updating with a new role. Some attribute this to a probationary period (N/A for me), making sure fit is right, making sure you have a good manager, etc. What do you think?

I think you’re fine updating it right away.

That said, it’s true that if you leave so quickly that you won’t want the job on your LinkedIn at all, it can be potentially awkward to have connections see that you started working there but left within a few months. Frankly, you can just remove the job at that point and most people won’t notice, but some people probably will and you might not want to deal with that. And if you do decide to wait, you can input the correct dates at whatever point you add it.

I think the risk is relatively low, but there also aren’t any huge benefits to updating it immediately (other than maybe some congratulations from people who see you have a new job). So if you’re more comfortable waiting, do.

You may also like:

should employees have to train their new manager?

how can remote managers address problems they hear about secondhand?

after an employee died, her team has driven off anyone we hire to replace her

should I tell my replacement about a cranky team member, coworkers devise bizarre solutions to simple problems, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2UR5vRV

[mrsteveecook]

how do I get my coworkers to shut up about Game of Thrones?

A reader writes:

All of my coworkers are all obsessed with Game of Thrones, but I don’t watch it, nor am I interested. We sit in an open office and they talk out loud about it all day long — fan theories, character arcs, whatever. I feel like I know the plot of every episode.

They know I don’t watch, and sometimes they try to include me to be nice, but I always demur. I have made several jokes about not caring / not wanting to hear any more about it, and they definitely know that I find it irritating how they go on and on — but I guess they find it irresistible (and to be fair, I’m in the minority at the office so it’s probably on me to suck it up). I just try to keep my music at top volume and tell myself that this show won’t go on forever. Am I missing anything?

Yes! You are missing a magnificent show.

Okay, I’m sorry.

This is really like having coworkers who talk incessantly about any subject that you’re not interested in — kids, knitting, Cross-Fit, etc.

Some annoying subjects actually have built-in outs: For example, if people keep talking about diet and weight loss around you, you can tell them you’re trying to avoid so much focus on diet because it’s unhealthy for you. If people keep talking about politics, you can tell them it’s stressing you out and ask them to have those conversations privately with consenting participants. Which is not to say that it’s always easy to shut either of those topics down — it’s often not — but at least there’s framing you can use that goes beyond “this is boring and I want you to stop!”

But when it really just comes down to “ugh, this is boring and tiresome” … there’s not a ton you can do. People get to talk with their colleagues about things that interest them, after all, even if not everyone in earshot finds it interesting. I’m more inclined to blame open offices for forcing you to hear all of it versus them for having normal conversations with each other.

That said, you can certainly try a one-time, very direct plea, on the theory that they may not have realized how constant this is and would be sympathetic if they better understood what it’s like for you. (Previously you’ve only joked about it, which is not the same as making a clear request.) You could say something like, “I know we’ve joked about this, but it’s actually really overwhelming to hear so much about this show day in and day out. Obviously y’all get to talk about your interests with each other, but I’d be so grateful if you could rein it in so it’s not all day long like it has been.” (And at least it’s way easier to ask this about Game of Thrones than if it were, like, constant talk about babies.)

Or, of course, if it’s actually distracting you from work, you can just say that plainly! But if you’re fine with other topics of conversation, just not this one, that may not sound credible.

Regardless, though, this is a problem that’s going to solve itself in about a month when the show ends.

You may also like:

what to say if an interviewer asks about your favorite books or movies

how can I ask my coworkers to stop talking about politics, interview shoes when it’s snowy, and more

work questions from Friends, Gilmore Girls, Jane Austen, and more

how do I get my coworkers to shut up about Game of Thrones? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2ZPOTxZ

[mrsteveecook]

8 Best Water Sports in Phuket

What Water Activities Can You Do in Phuket? There are quite a few Watersport options in Phuket to add a bit of action to your holiday. The range goes from easy stuff like parasailing, all the way to real action sports like surfing and wake boarding. 1. Snorkelling Phuket is a great place for snorkeling...

Source

from Phuket 101 http://bit.ly/2J5hWrc

[mrsteveecook]

my coworker is bad at her job, and I’m unofficially in charge of her

A reader writes:

About six months ago, my team hired a new person to help with my workload: Penny. Although Penny and I are both at the same level (and get paid the same), since I have several years of experience in the company, I trained her and am essentially her manager but without the authority. I suspect the only reason I am not actually a manager is because that would require a pay raise for me.

Our manager, “Jane,” is chronically busy and perpetually absent, in charge of many different projects, so most people in our department see me as I in charge of my small team. People come to me when they have issues with Penny, and other managers will lecture me about how to help her to succeed better or improve, or tell me when people have complaints about her work or what they see as her weaknesses. This is frustrating to me because I’m not her manager, but I don’t mind helping her out as she is nice and we get along and are the same age.

Here’s my issue: Penny is just … not very good at some of our work. For example, one of our tasks is to create a collection of monthly reports to distribute to other departments. I used to do them all and I have been helping Penny to get proficient in putting them together so she can take over. The problem is, she will consistently make mistakes and then, seeing that the numbers for the month are “bad,” will declare to me that “Jane is not going to be happy with this!” I’ll generally lead her through some troubleshooting to figure out the issue, which is pretty much always a simple mistake she made in the report. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and I don’t fault her for this, but this same pattern has happened so many times. I don’t know how I can get her to realize on her own that she needs to double and triple check these instead of seeing something that’s obvious really off and just shrugging and saying our boss will be upset. Sometimes she will even start announcing the numbers to people without checking for mistakes which (1) causes people to freak out and (2) means we have to come back later and say things like, “Sorry, we made a mistake, sales were actually only down 8.7%, not 87%.” I say “we” because I’m always the one who ends up stepping in to fix it.

Ordinarily I would just let Penny mess up and take the heat for it, but since people see me as the “head” of this project, I also get the blame for mistakes, even though I’m not technically in charge.

I’m not sure what to do, though, because since I’m not Penny’s manager, she doesn’t take direction from me and it’s hard to give her feedback. Since we are the same level and the same age, she doesn’t see me as an authority. Sometimes I will ask her to do something and she doesn’t do it. I don’t think this is deliberate on her part, I think she just thinks it’s a suggestion since I’m not the boss and so in her mind I’m not in charge and don’t make the decisions about what should get done and when and by whom (which I guess is technically true). I’m at a loss for how to approach this. I don’t want to try to “pull rank” or lecture her, and I’m worried that if I do she’ll just get upset and think I’m on a power trip.

You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.

You may also like:

we’re not supposed to tell our manager about coworkers’ mistakes

I get angry when my coworkers make mistakes

what to do when an employee makes a serious mistake

my coworker is bad at her job, and I’m unofficially in charge of her was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2vvpsDS

[mrsteveecook]

I’m embarrassed by the problems my new staff member is uncovering — and keep getting defensive

A reader writes:

I’m the problem and I don’t know how to stop.

I’m the executive director of a small (8 staff) but old nonprofit (40+ years). I’ve been the ED for eight years and most of the staff have been with me for five or more years. A year ago, we hired a new person (“Jane”) to fill a newly created position and it’s been a challenge. Unfortunately, the challenge is with me and the other staff!

Jane has 15 years of experience in the role, seems to be a team player, and seems knows what she’s doing in her field. Because of her experience, she is finding problems and issues in many areas (lax proofing, website maintenance, data management, etc.) She is very gracious about these issues, doesn’t point fingers, doesn’t blame, is constantly saying she’s just ‘trying to solve a problem’ and is happy to fix the issue herself because it directly impacts her work. But every time she points out an issue, I find myself getting defensive and know the other staff does as well.

I think I’m feeling embarrassed by all the problems and how lax things have gotten and I know that reflects back on me. But, instead of wanting to fix the problems, I often feel as if I just want her to shut up about them and stop pointing things out and just let things go. The other staff have become highly defensive, territorial, and argumentative with Jane about the smallest things. We all work together in the same office space and the tension is very noticeable at times. Jane has come to me with some of the issues with the other staff and, to be honest, I’ve not been her strongest advocate because I understand where the staff are coming from and are sympathetic to them.

But, obviously hiding my head in the sand isn’t going to fix this situation or help us reach the five-year goals we’ve set as an organization. Reaching those goals is one of the reasons we hired Jane.

I should also clarify that the problems she is pointing out are almost always big problems, not tiny ones, and things we should have caught much earlier (like serious issues with the accuracy of our membership database).

It embarrasses me that I resent her for so quickly seeing things that no one else saw or thought about or cared to check. It’s embarrassing to feel that “sort of maybe good enough” is the standard I’m now accepting and my staff feels is okay. But at the same time, no one likes a new person coming in and pointing out ongoing mistakes and problems and issues that everyone else was fine with either not seeing or ignoring. Ignorance is bliss … until it’s not.

How do I let go of my defensiveness and support Jane and how do I get the other staff to do the same? I’m worried that, after a year, it may be too late and she’s already looking to leave. If so, I won’t blame her but hope to turn things around with either her or the next person we bring on.

It’s so good that you recognize this is happening and can break down what’s going on in yourself emotionally that’s causing it. So often in situations like this, the person in your shoes isn’t honest with themselves about what’s happening, and just pushes out their Jane, often framing it to themselves and others as if their Jane wasn’t a good culture fit. And then when they need to rehire, they often hire less competent or less experienced people who don’t feel so threatening.

I think you’ve got to do three things here:

1. Do some reflection on your own where you really lean into your embarrassment about the problems that Jane is uncovering. Don’t pull back from thinking deeply about those things (as we all sometimes do when something is embarrassing or painful); instead, jump in and take an unflinching look at why those problems came about. The answer won’t necessarily be “because I didn’t care enough” or “my standards were too low.” Maybe there’s more to it. Maybe you truly didn’t have the resources to be on top of all of this. Maybe you had other priorities that needed your focus and, while this wasn’t ideal, you actually did choose the right things to focus on, even though it necessarily meant other things would get short shrift. Maybe you’ve hired too many junior/inexperienced people and not enough senior/experienced ones (really common in small nonprofits). Maybe you trusted that things were being taken care of but didn’t have the right systems in place to let you know if they weren’t. Or yes, maybe you set the bar too low.

I don’t know what the answer is here, but you need to figure out what’s really going on, because you can’t really solve it otherwise. For example, if the answer is that you just trusted things were being taken care of without having systems to ensure that, then you need new/better systems for how you’re managing. On the other hand, if it’s that you did make the right trade-offs about where to put attention, that’s something you should be explicit about those trade-offs and why you’re making them, so it’s clear that these are deliberate choices made for strategic reasons, not born out of chaos.

2. Talk to Jane. Tell her that you’re thrilled to have her there, her work has been excellent, and you realize what how tough it is to have to point out problems to the people responsible for them. Tell her that you see the issues she’s raised about coworkers being territorial and defensive — and tell her you’ve seen those reactions in yourself as well. Explain that you’re doing a lot of reflection, both on how those problems came about and on your own defensiveness. Tell her you’re embarrassed, because you are and it’s okay to admit that! And tell her that you’re committed to getting that under control and creating an easier atmosphere for her to work in, with you and with other staff.

3. Talk individually with the people on staff who have been argumentative and defensive with Jane. Tell them Jane is doing good work. Tell them you understand feeling defensive because you have felt that too, but that going forward all of you (including you) need to commit to stopping that and to welcoming Jane’s input with more grace. Explain that spotting and addressing the sorts of problems Jane is uncovering is essential to your organization being able to grow. It’s not about saying everything has been wrong up until now; it’s about what you need to change to grow and get better and fulfill more of your mission. In fact, explain that if Jane left, you’d want to bring in more Janes — because they’re what will protect the organization’s future. (That’s important to say because you don’t want them to just peg all this as on Jane or to figure they’ll just wait her out; you want them to understand that you are explicitly choosing to bring in Janes and will continue to do so.) Then take some recent examples of times they’ve reacted poorly to Jane and talk through what you will want to see instead in the future, so there’s no confusion about what is and isn’t okay. Explicitly ask them to commit to getting on board with this.

And then — crucially — you must enforce this. After these conversations, if you see more problematic behavior toward Jane, address it immediately. Pull people in to talk with you private, name what you saw that’s not okay, and hold the person accountable for making it right. Expect that you’ll need to be vigilant about this for the next several months. (And as part of that effort, let Jane know you’re committed to addressing this and ask that she alert you if she continues to run into problems. My hunch is that right now she’s only coming to you with the worst of it; let her know you’re actively working to fix it and want to know when it’s not working.)

Beyond that … it’s going to be really important for you to see Jane as a helper to you, not an adversary. You’ve got to reframe this in your head so that you’re both on the same side, and so you appreciate the work she’s doing to make your organization stronger. Think of leaders of small organizations who keep their organizations small because they’re threatened by what it takes to grow (in a lot of cases, what it takes to grow = Janes, and openness to them). You can choose to limit your organization like that if you want (in which case you should be up-front with Jane that you don’t want to make major changes, so she can decide to opt out if she wants), or you can choose the sometimes painful path to getting better. But you need to be honest with yourself (and the people working for you) about which you’re choosing. My hunch from your letter is that you want to choose that second path — you just need to more fully commit to what that means.

You may also like:

how to take criticism without getting defensive

new manager keeps telling us we’re frustrated and defensive

team lead wants us to have weekly group meetings to air problems and grievances

I’m embarrassed by the problems my new staff member is uncovering — and keep getting defensive was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2DDwQkS

[mrsteveecook]

New Mix: Japanese Breakfast, Kate Tempest, Future Teens, More

This week we've got a love song from Kate Tempest, music made in a hotel from Japanese Breakfast, a near-perfect pop-punk heartbreaker by Mannequin Pussy and more.

(Image credit: Courtesy of the artists)

from All Songs Considered : NPR https://n.pr/2XTm55D

[mrsteveecook]

remote work bait-and-switch, changing clothes in the office bathroom, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss said I could work from anywhere — but keeps telling me to come into the office

I started a new job about six months ago. The company is based in City A, and I live far away (multi-hour flight, different time zone far) in City B. My manager, “Jane,” also lives here in City B, but we are it; everyone else is in City A or near to it. When I was hired, Jane said she didn’t care where I worked from as long as things got done, which was great as I prefer working from home. In reality, Jane has been limiting my work from home days to twice a week despite being impressed with me and all of my work. We each have an office in a co-working space, and even when we’re both in, we very rarely speak to each other (because it’s not necessary and she is very busy).

Twice now I’ve asked if there is any issue with my work. She says no, everything is fine. And there’s never been a work-related reason to ask me to come in to the office.

Do you have any insight into this? Jane has repeated her “doesn’t matter where you work from” philosophy a few times since my hiring interview, but I’m confused by the disconnect when it comes to putting it into practice. Usually what happens is I’ll say “I’ll be working from home tomorrow” and she says “Actually, I want you to come into the office.” I oblige but privately I am very annoyed. Working flexibly and remotely was a big plus in taking this job. I’m regularly contacted by recruiters and I’m getting tempted to start looking because I feel this was a bit of a bait and switch.

Talk to her more directly. Asking if there’s an issue with your work is too subtle a way to get at this; you need to explicitly say something like, “When I was hired, you said I could work from wherever I wanted as long as work got done. That was one of the reasons I accepted the job. You’ve been asking me to come in around three days a week, and I’m trying to figure out if something has changed since you hired me. Do you have concerns about my work or my productivity when I’m at home?” See what she says to that and be prepared to say, “I’d like to be able to go by that initial agreement, which was a key factor in me coming on board, and just come in when there’s a specific need for me to be here in person on a given day.”

2. Changing into biking clothes in the office bathroom

I’m in my first job as an HR assistant. Many people in the organization are similarly young and we’re generally pretty casual. I have been wondering about the social norms around changing outfits in the bathroom.

One of the great joys I’ve found since starting my job is biking home from work. I usually put my bike on a bus in the morning (wearing my work clothes) and change to bike back. We don’t have another space I could change other than the women’s bathroom. There is a bike room in the building, but anyone can enter at any time and I normally run into a male bike commuter every time I’m there.

People definitely change sometimes in the bathroom (I notice someone doing it like once a month), but if I had my way I’d be biking 2-3 days a week. Are there any tips for what I should and should not do? Am I overthinking this?

Changing in the bathroom is fine and normal! Use a stall so that coworkers aren’t walking in on you in your underwear (don’t be these people), but it’s totally fine to change in the bathroom.

3. My manager showed me a graphic, violent video

Warning: graphic violent content below

I work as a banquet server at a large hotel and convention center. Yesterday, my manager, Fergus, approached me while I was setting up for an event and said. “Come look at this video, this wife cheated on her husband!” and proceeded to show me a real-life video on his phone of a man being brutally murdered and cut into pieces by a machete while the wife looked on and tried to stop the attack (her husband attacking her lover). Disgusted, I said “What the f***!” and walked away. I later saw him proceed to show the video to nearly every other server working. I did hear him preface the video before showing it to other people by asking, “Are you okay with gory things?” after he showed it to me. My issue isn’t really with the gore, though that’s not really appropriate either, it’s with the violence. Lots of people are not squeamish and would probably say “yes” to that question because they don’t mind watching gory things in the context of a scene from a horror movie (which is fake) or a medical/surgery video (where someone is most likely being helped, not hurt), but wouldn’t want to watch a real person getting murdered.

How should I address it now, after the fact? Should I bring it up with him, his boss, or HR? I think what he did was really inappropriate, but I don’t want to get too involved or be the reason he loses his job.

What the hell? That’s extremely disturbing and inappropriate for work.

It’s unlikely he’s going to get fired over this; a stern talking-to and warning is far more likely. But if for some reason he did get fired, you would be the reason for that — his own behavior would be. (But again, unlikely, unless this is part of a pattern.)

So yeah, please talk to his boss, if she’s someone who addresses problems forthrightly, or HR if she’s not. Since he’s your manager, you want someone with some authority over him to handle this.

4. I’m being demoted after resigning

I’m a director of a department and when I resigned yesterday with three weeks notice, my boss told me that they are going to combine another related department with mine and have that department’s director take over as director of the newly-combined department. They asked that I wait several days to announce my resignation to colleagues so that they have time to solidify the transition plan.

Now, my boss is saying that later this week, they will put the combined departments into effect and I will be demoted from director to a lower-level position with a pay cut — and I’ve found out through other channels that there will be a meeting tomorrow to present the reorg plan to the rest of the management team (excluding me) and that they’re positioning it as that I’ve quit in response to the impending demotion. In addition to feeling like this situation is pretty messed up and terrible for my reputation, taking the demotion will have financial consequences on my unused vacation payout (which is a fairly substantial amount).

I’m wondering what the most elegant response would be in this situation — should I announce my resignation to my colleagues now to try to get ahead of the weird spin being placed on this? Or is that going to just add fuel to the fire? And is there any professional way to combat the demotion at this point? I’ve offered to remain in place to train my successor and aid in the transition, but the demotion wasn’t part of the deal — am I better off rescinding the notice period of my resignation and quitting before it takes effect?

What on earth? Even if this was already in the works when you resigned, there’s no reason not to just let you work out your notice period with your same title and pay rate. Something is really rotten here.

If you can afford to leave right away (and not have it affect your vacation time pay-out — which it might; check your company’s policies if you don’t live in a state that mandates it regardless), I would say this: “I gave you three weeks notice because I wanted to help with the transition. But I can’t stay on if you’re cutting your pay. If you’re able to leave me at my current title and pay through my notice period, I’d be glad to do that. But I can’t agree to a pay cut, so if there’s no flexibility there, I’d need to move up my last day to before that takes effect.”

And yeah, I would ignore their request to keep it quiet for now and start letting people know so that you have more control over the narrative.

5. Should I apply through every website where a job is posted?

I’m currently job searching. In my industry, there are four major websites where jobs are posted. It’s not unusual for me to see the same job posted on two or more of those sites. If I see a job I’m interested in, I’ll just apply for it wherever I see it posted first.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my job search, and he suggested that if I’m interested in a job, I should apply everywhere I see it posted. His reasoning was that if I apply multiple times, I’m showing that I’m really interested, and that I’m seriously searching.

I’m not sure I agree with his reasoning. I’d think submitting once would show that I’m interested and seriously searching well enough. I’d also worry that applying multiple times would reflect poorly on me. Maybe hiring managers would assume I applied multiple times on accident because I lack attention to detail, or wasn’t being thoughtful about applications. What do you think? Is it better to submit 1 solid application, or multiple applications through different websites?

Do not do that. Your friend’s advice is weird.

Applying multiple times doesn’t make you look extra interested; it makes you look like you’re applying to a zillion companies and didn’t remember you’d already applied for this job. Or if it’s clear you’re doing it intentionally, then it looks really pushy, and like you think it’s okay to clutter up their application system (and annoy them) in order to show “gumption.”

You show interest by applying, which you already did.

Don’t take job search advice from that friend.

You may also like:

company agreed I could telecommute — and then changed their mind once I started the job

how productive should you be on a day you’re working from home?

should I invite my lonely intern over for dinner?

remote work bait-and-switch, changing clothes in the office bathroom, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://bit.ly/2UQ70js