#Can't go out can't stay sober can't make art can't clean can't cook can't work can't teach can't be can't be can't be can't listen

[egoborderline]

Indefinite hiatus

#I am so sorry I will inevitably be back because I am always back because I'm weak and the words is ah have no weight and I think I might be #I think there might be something wrong with me #I can't do it I can't do anything right can't work can't right see friends can't breathe can't love can't plan vacation can't shop cool #Can't get into shape can't exercise can't focus during dnd which is important to me because I see my friends #Can't go out can't stay sober can't make art can't clean can't cook can't work can't teach can't be can't be can't be can't listen #Can't act fucking right #Can't act like a fucking human person #Done with being a human person I'm done done done #They all know something is wrong with me or they wouldn't look at me the way every stranger looks at me like I'm fucking disgusting #Im fucking losing my mind for good. And the best part is that I took my meds today

[marchtooctober]

I did it again. I'm drunk in front of Loid.

I know I shouldn't but I couldn't say no to Millie! I have to keep a good relationship with my coworkers and learn to act normal. They said that drinking after work is normal!

"Yor? Were you out drinking with your coworkers?"

"Hm? I'm shorry. I… My corwokersh said it'sh nowmal to afterwork drunk. Shorry, Loid… Art you mud?"

"Don't worry, I'm not mad. What's important is that you're not feeling unwell and nothing bad happened."

I nodded slowly.

"O… Okay… I'll make tea-"

"No, let me do it. I'll make for both of us so you can sober up a little. Or do you want to rest now?"

"Tea ish fine. Thenksh Loid."

I watched him.

Do I deserve this man at all? Even when he's tired from work, he takes care of a drunkard wife like me. Maybe I'm the one leeching off our deal. While he's good at everything, I can barely cook and I'm only good at cleaning. Even after many times he's assured me, I still keep on downing myself sometimes.

I love Anya and this family. This place is so warm and comfortable. Especially when…

"Loid?" I called once he's done.

"Yes?"

My mouth stayed silent. I think moments have already passed but my mind is blank. Did I answer at all? I can't remember. But he smiled at me. That, I know he did.

Even when we drank our tea, I couldn't think straight. I don't even know if I talked at all. We were both silent.

As much as I want to stay a little longer, I already finished my tea and it's time for me to rest.

"Tenksh for the tea, Loid. I'll go to my woom."

I thought after drinking tea, I'll feel better. But when I rose from my seat, the world started spinning again and I felt like falling back right away. Carefully walking step by step, I tried to cross my way to my door.

It's wiggling! When did our floor become shaky? No, no, no! To the left, then to the right…

I can't figure out which side I turned to, but the first thing I saw was Loid. He caught me so swiftly and grabbed me by my shoulders. 

He's so close to me… It's making me so-

"This way, Yor."

"Hn? Loid? I'm fine. I cam walk. The floor ish jush shakey! I think there'sh earthquake. Be careful Loid!"

"You're just drunk. The floor will be back to normal once you're sober. Don't worry."

And in every step, I started leaning more towards Loid.

His warmth is just so comforting. And his smell… He smells like minty soap. Staying like this doesn't sound bad. Would Loid mind if we do?

No no no no, Yor! He's just your fake husband! Have some respect for his dead wife!

"Yor? Is there any problem? Is something on my face?"

"H-Huh?! N-Nothing!"

I was staring at him?! Yor! You must stop!

Just when I thought we're still far, we finally came in front of my bedroom. Loid opened the door. The time seemed to stop, we stayed there standing.

"Get your rest now. So you can forget this once you're sober." He finally said.

"Furget wha-"

Before letting go, he leaned and kissed the top of my head. He…

He did what?!

"Good night, Yor."

Before I could speak, Loid was already gone.

No way I can forget this, can I?

I changed my clothes and prepared to rest but I could only think of what Loid did. Was that a goodnight kiss? It's normal right? I used to give Yuri goodnight kisses too when he was little. It's normal, I guess…

But still.

This is probably just alcohol, this confusion I'm feeling in my chest. I have been telling myself over and over that whatever I feel when I'm with Loid is simply caused by our situation and the tension around us. But this feeling is hurting me the more I suppress it.

What if it's just me who's only fazed by everything?

I shook off my thoughts and did not dare to go on any longer. If I do, I might as well totally lose my mind and let my words loose for him to hear.

#spy x family fic #spy x family #short fic #loiyor fanfic #loid forger #yor forger #sxf fanfic #good night kiss #I'm posting this because I'm going through a rebellious phase against reality #drabble