#And since the reads are meant to be robotic they're very easy to cut up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

keith-the-hoe · 3 years

Text

The Glimmer Hoes Master Plan| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: [X]

Episode Two: [X]

Episode Three: American Tour

Episode Four: [X]

Episode Five: [X]

Warnings:

This story will contain violence, sex scenes and a shit ton of foul language. It may also cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and fall into a state of confusion. Do not read if you are under the age of 16. Read at your own risk. Or Keef will eat your grandma.

Cast:

Mick Jagger

Keith Richards

Charlie Watts

Ronnie Wood

Bill Wyman

----------------

After the huge massacre in California, The Rolling Stones were on the run again. Keef was super ugly and devastated from his buddy, Mick, being brutally killed by the sus one. Who was going to sing for them? Charlie and Bill were sitting in the back seat with Mick's body next to them. Their van had broke down when they were out camping in the desert. So they elected Keef to push the van to the nearest town.

"Ah jeez..... Now who is going to be our whore front man?" Keef asked while he struggled to push the van over a speed bump.

"You do it" Billl said as he keep trying to get the body from touching him.

The Rolling Stones stopped by a mechanic shop that was also a coffee shop. California was burning hot. The sun was shining down on Keef so he took his clothes off. Bill and Charlie stepped out of the van and stood in front of the coffee shop.

"Hmm.... Some coffee wouldn't be so bad right now." Bill said to Charlie.

The only problem was, they didn't have any money on them. But Keef did so this whole sentence doesn't work at all. He took out a bunch of crumbled up dollar bills from his underpants. Penis money was what he always called it in case of emergencies. Bill didn't want to touch it so he told him to hold onto it. They walked into the coffee shop. There was no one in there but some weird guy with a big nose reading a news paper. They all sat down at the counter and waited for someone to attend them. A lady with a cheese ball outfit went up to them to take their order. Keef really wanted bananas. Bill and Charlie just ordered eggs and bacon like normies do at coffee shops. Keef kept spinning around his stool and noticed that the big nose whore was looking at them. He got sus so he just walked in the bathroom to take a piss. Or at least that what he made big nose whore think. Keef walked over to the mechanic shop to check on their van. Then he remembered that he left Mick in there. He went into a panic. Bill and Charlie had already taken him out of the van but didn't tell him. Keef searched the van but didn't see him in there. Charlie went outside to see what kind of shenanigans he's up to this time. Keef turned into a mad monkey.

"Jesus! Calm down you fooking dumb fuck of a monkey!" Charlie said. "If you're looking for whore Mick, we hid him behind the dumpster until the van gets fixed."

Keef just stared at him. He felt better now that he knew that his side hoe was okay. He walked around the mechanic shop and saw a bunch of car parts. He got a very good idea. He grabbed the parts, some oil cans, and his guitars. Told ya they might come in handy for later. Charlie stood there in confusion watching Keef once again do something stupid.

"Be hold!!" Keef yelled.

Charlie rolled his eyes at him. He seriously wondered why he's even in a shitty ass band with a very stupid monkey. Keith removed the tarp from his very fantastic creation.

"Wot in the actual fuck did you just make?" Charlie asked sounding annoyed.

Keef chuckled. "You dummy! It's Mick!" He said as he leaned on it only to knock it over. He has built a cyborg Mick as a replacement for the real Mick. Charlie was not amused. Bill came out of the coffee shop with the big nose whore holding a knife to his neck. He was pretty calm about it. Charlie panicked.

"Woah woah! Hey! easy there cowboy! Put the knife down! We can talk this through!" Keef said as he slowly walked up to them.

Charlie was examining the piece of junk. He was trying to figure out how it worked. Cyborg Mick smacked him hard in the head and did Jagger moves.

"Wot is that?" Bill asked as big nose whore held the knife closer to his neck. He remained calm.

Keef explained since they no longer had the real Mick, they could use a artificial one. He programmed it to be exactly like Mick. He even gave him a dick since Mick LOVES to be screwing around with random ass hoes. Charlie cut him off by yelling at him that Bill is being held hostage.

"Oh.... right.... that....." Keef said with a nervous chuckle.

He slowly approached them but big nose whore kept walking away. Keef threw a punch only to get his arm sliced by the knife.

"Owie! Damn! I need this arm to play guitar!! Son of a bitch!" He yelled as he threw a rock at Charlie.

"You play guitar?" Big Nose Whore asked. Bill used the opportunity to run to Charlie and jumped in his arms. Just imagine that though lol. Keef looked at them both confused but he ignored them. Cyborg Mick went up to Keef and big nose whore.

"Greetings, I am Mick Jagger, yes this Monkey whore plays guitar." He said.

Big Nose Whore put his knife away and began to laugh his ass off.

"Well why didn't you say so!? Bitch I play guitar as well!" He said.

Bill and Charlie rolled their eyes. Just what they needed, another dumbass. The van was up and running again. The Rolling Stones were relieved to finally have a working vehicle. Keef and big nose whore became besties and offered to give him a ride. The only thing he wanted to ride was- okay don't be nasty. He accepted the offer and hopped in the van. He sat next to Bill who was already annoyed by his presence. Cyborg Mick kept smacking Charlie in the head.

"Jesus! Keith get your damn sex robot under control!" He yelled.

Keith scratched his head trying to figure out why Cyborg Mick did that. He figured that he set it to fightey mode instead of normal Mick mode. He turned the switch which got Keith's balls kicked. He screamed in pain and Big Nose Whore just laughed at him. Charlie seriously wondered how he even ended up being stuck with a bunch of idiots. Bill also wondered the same thing. They also later learned that Big Nose Whore's name is Ronnie because of course it was. They also learned that he bites people. They had to find that one out the hard way. Keith began to discuss how they're going to be touring with a broken robot and a missing rhythm guitarist. Ronnie got a splendid idea. He drank orange juice. So really he didn't have a splendid idea. I know how to grammar properly.

"Assholes I can be your rhythm guitarist." He suggested.

Charlie said no. He was not about to deal with another dumbass that was going to kill his bestie. He just wanted to go home. Cyborg Mick yelled at Charlie to shut up and he doesn't get to make the decisions around here. A tear ran down his face. Cyborg Mick accepted Ronnie to be a part of the band.

"Sweet! So where are we headed?" He said with a wide smile.

Cyborg Mick started doing weird beeping sounds. Keef programmed him to be their GPS which he didn't even know he could do. They got directions to a small motel near a small town in San Francisco. They didn't question it and drove there.

"Ooooh motels are quite fun, they have all sorts of things to do there." Ronnie explained.

"I hate motels." Bill replied as he lit a cigarette.

"Oh shut it you! You love going there to screw every single girl you lay eyes on!" Keef yelled.

"I have a wife." Charlie said.

"Why screw girls when we can screw each other!" Ronnie replied.

The whole van turned into an argument about fucking people. Cyborg Mick just kept driving without saying a single work to them. He was super horny though, just like the real Mick. Only thing is, this one actually has a dick, unlike the real Mick. They parked in front of the lobby. The van went silent. The Rolling Stones all slowly looked at each other. Who was going to go in there and ask for rooms?

"Alright....." Keef said in a low voice. "In the count of three...... One-"

They all touch their noses as they yelled "NOT IT" even though Keith wasn't even at three. That meant that he had to go in there and ask for rooms.

"Ugh! Son of a bitch! Why do I have to do everything!? Jesus you all don't work for shit! The only thing you all are able to do is be a bunch of whores!" Keith said as he stepped out of the van. Then there was another problem. Who was going to share rooms? Bill and Charlie looked at each other. Guess they're sharing rooms. Keith stood in front of the lobby as the secretary checked for any available rooms. Turns out there was one room with a king sized bed and one with two singles. Keith sighed deeply and paid without any further questions. He walked over to the van to tell them about the rooms. Ronnie claimed the room with two singles. Cyborg Mick also claimed that room. That left with Bill, Charlie and Keith with the room with a king sized bed. This was going to be an awkward night. Bill and Charlie told Keith to fuck off. They didn't want a monkey to be sleeping in the same bed as them. Cyborg Mick put his arm around Keith.

"Me and you can share beds...." He said seductively.

Keith actually didn't mind sleeping in the same bed with Mick. He's his buddy and he's known him since they were in nappies. So he agreed to doing so. Bill hates them both so much that he is planning on doing some murdering. The Rolling Stones went to their room. Cyborg Mick went a little overboard and took Keith to bed with him. Ronnie just stood there eating Doritos that he found in the bathroom. Just another normal day for him.

"Oooh! Make sure to not scratch him up a bit with all of those metal bolts in there....." Ronnie suggested.

Keith just glared at him but then he got a stupendous idea. He removed his clothes. Ronnie was completely lost and wondered why he just did that. Cyborg Mick got turned on by such view.

"Wow! The Rolling Stones really are a wild band! I'm so glad I am a part of it!" Ronnie yelled in excitement. He looked around the room. There were a bunch of used rubbers stuck on them. Beautiful decorating. Cyborg Mick stretched his arm out and pulled Ronnie into bed. They all laid on top of each other and got really funky. Bill and Charlie, who were in a room over, were sitting on the bed watching the telly. Strange noises were coming from the room that Keith was staying in. Bill shook his head in disappointment.

"We haven't even been here for 2 seconds and they're already screwing around? Jesus can there be a-" Bill said as Charlie cut him off with a smack. Bill is a big hoe so the things he is complaining about are extremely irrelevant so he cannot be talking and that is on period 💅. They heard a loud boom outside where the pool was. Charlie was certain that Keith, Mick and Ronnie were up to no good so he went out to check. He saw a telly on the first floor. Turns out Led Zeppelin were also staying in those motels and were the ones who threw the telly out their window. Charlie hated them. He went back inside of his room only to see a naked Bill laying in bed with a bunch of rose petals and candles around him. He was genuinely confused.

"Hey babe..... Why don't you come over here and have some fun eh?" Bill said in a low voice.

Charlie just wanted to go home because according to him, he is happier there then when he is with the stones. Haha I'm using his words against him. He sighed and just went with the flow because Yolo. They really got into it up until they heard screaming from the other room. Bill and Charlie looked at each other.

"Oh wow, they seem to be having a very splendid and wild time...." Bill said.

Charlie rolled his eyes and decided to just ignore them. Keith bursted into the room. He was covered in blood. Bill and Charlie just stared at him with a scared look.

"I-its not wot it looks like....." Bill said with an awkward chuckle.

Keith was breathing heavily and couldn't gather his words. He just began to babble and making hand gestures and so on and so forth.

"Jesus! Use your words bitch!" Charlie yelled.

Keith finally calmed down. "That fucking robot piece of junk just tried to kill me!" He yelled.

Charlie looked at him from head to toe. He was seriously done with The Rolling Stones. He didn't even want to know why he was naked and covered in blood. Ronnie came running in also naked and covered in blood. Charlie just sighed in disappointment. Why is he in a band full of dumbasses.

"Why are you both naked and covered in blood?" Bill asked as he lit a cigarette.

Turns out Cyborg Mick was set in fightey mode instead of sexy time mode and had tried to kill them both by using chainsaws and cheeseballs. He managed to injure Ronnie which caused a whole bunch of blood splattering meaning that he is slowly dying. Charlie had to act fast because clearly these idiots are not going to do so. They all put their clothes back on but Keith couldn't find his pants. Too bad he deserves it. The Rolling Stones jumped in the van that had been vandalized by Led Zeppelin.

"Ughh those fucking hippie bastards!" Charlie yelled as he set the van to drive. Keith held Ronnie's hand. He didn't want to lose him. He has only known him for 5 hours. Ronnie didn't seem to have a problem about the fact that he got attacked by a Mick robot. He just kept smiling and bullied Charlie for having a unibrow.

#the rolling stones #mick jagger #keith richards #charlie watts #ronnie wood #bill wyman #cursed #cursed post #cursed content #crack fanfic #rolling stones fanfic #fanfic #rolling stones

8 notes · View notes