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pocketminstrel · 7 years

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twenty-sixteen, age 21+22

it’s quite beautiful that i can never predict the experiences that will stick to me as i finish each year and look forward to the next, even though i can always outline my commitments and the places i’ll be. as i look back on this past year, i think of a collection of singular memories and emotions that have all bled into each other and seeped into my soul and exploded into the mess i am today. currently, i feel that i’m the most confused i have ever been. and yet i feel the most aware and knowledgable about myself, the world, and what i can give and take from it. i guess basically what had happened in 2016 is that more and more question marks began to spring into my life than were being resolved, either because of new experiences or the sheer fact that i was finally motioned towards them.

i’m realizing that just sounds incredibly vague, so i’ll wrap this intro up and dive into details. but before i start, i would like to say that 2016 was another grand year of coming of age. but tiffany, you’re already 22, you already came of age. i’d like to think that life is just a long and stringy story of self-discovery, and that no matter how old we get, if we are properly living, we are constantly changing. which means there is always more to learn, especially when it comes to ourselves. The smart ass self-aware-tiff in me would like to disagree, but i wave my white flag to this truth.

i started this year off pretty secure. i had a great summer (facebook) and fall (berlin) lined up for me, so all there was left for me to do was to enjoy the present: my friends, family, boyfriend, school, and projects. my classes - collaborative innovation, modern lit, philosophy of mind, and social psychology - each represented and stimulated very important pillars of my identity. it was a very wholesome academic semester; lots of writing - i think i counted all the pages i wrote for social psych and it was around 70 or so - but i never dreaded any of it. i remember constantly walking out of my classes in awe and inspired. i was able to throw an art gallery and work in teams that encouraged me to learn about what role i take in them.

during spring break, i went to japan. ironically, i’m actually here again writing this right now. but being in an asian country for the first time in 8 years had a profound effect on me. i have vivid memories of struggling to find the airbnb near the skytree and falling dizzily in love with the tiny streets (finally my size!!), delicate greenery, and colors of the streets - pink, yellow, and green, talking fulfillment with jasmine and monica at commune 246, filling up a whole bar every night out with the sep group, bright green calpico/sake drinks, biking down arashiyama forest and getting lost in the cold, walking out of the station in kyoto to be surprised by the fushimi inari temple, gawking at the box-like architecture in harajuku, and so much more. i remember on the train to kyoto, i thought to myself, it feels really damn good to be asian here.

when i came back to berkeley from japan, my boyfriend at the time told me that he loved me. i didn’t think i was the type - to put so much weight into words of affirmation - but strangely, this changed a lot of things for me. i was trying very hard to kid myself of the very strong feelings that i had for him in fear of pain; but hearing those words from him yanked that delusion immediately out of me. i was in love, i had a very special person in my life who made me stupidly happy, and there was no turning back.

much of the way i organize time for the most of this year is marked by where i was in my relationship. i think in general, relationships tend to do that to you, but i think my case is a little different because our relationship was a slave to time. man, is time a bitch. but time also heals, time sheds light, and time gives you wisdom. my prolonged post-breakup reflection forced me to stare at some huge huge faults about and what i need/what i can improve on about myself in regards to the ways i receive and give love.

in may, i started my internship at facebook. i was working on a tool with immense social impact. i woke up every day to the rewarding and intimidating reality that i could help millions and millions of lives. but 90% of the time my manager was stressing balls because of the nature of our product, and i felt that i didn’t get as much mentorship as i deserved. and being me, i didn’t ask for it, thinking it would all be okay and i could handle it all by myself just fine. and sometime halfway, i realized that my creative process is not where i want it to be, and that being at facebook could not realize that for me, at least not immediately. i knew i had to be somewhere else. also around the same time, i could not shake facebook’s eerie life-hand-holding and empathy vacuum when it came to social media’s effect on the youth psyche.

outside of work and all, i had a vibrant social life filled with tons of new and old friendships. i think of the talks i had with ashley in my room, which brought me so much clarity i nearly melted into tears every time we hung out, shuttle rides and “exploring” sunnyvale with luke, nights in the city with zai and maheen, talking ideas and creativity with kevin, eating noodles with kelsey every day, and weekends with angela in berkeley or union square. sometime in the summer, i dyed my hair blue. it was a huge mistake and i hated it, but i guess it was something to cross off my bucket list.

in 2016, i also went to way too many concerts to count. some shows that come to mind immediately are sophie, ben UFO, Nao, Mura Masa, robert glasper, honne, gold panda, the pc music label, and my god everyone at the clubs in berlin - i got to see anthony naples at berghain, even, the man who got me into house music in the first place.

i went to two music festivals, too: osl and fyf. at osl, i was nearly moved to tears at “elegy to the void” during beach house’s set - it was the first time i heard that song; i never really gave “thank your lucky stars” a chance. at fyf, i danced my heart out to gerd janson, bicep, black madonna, and hot chip. gerd janson in an act i’ll particularly remember - it was as i was getting a warm, personal goodbye for berlin.

the week of fyf was one of the most interesting crossroads of time in my life. it was the last week i had in california before moving to berlin. it was the week of ending facebook and having loads of clarity with what i needed in my career. it was when i held my mom’s hand during a PET scan. it was the first time i could play with my four month old baby nephew whom i love so very much. it was when i dyed my hair back to a normal color. it was when i learned to really love and appreciate daniel and elaine. and it was the first time i would see my ex in months. needless to say, a lot of anticipation went into that ^ meetup, and i hold that memory near and dear to my heart. the conversation we had in the yellowish park in dtla next to the jewelry district meant a lot to me. sparks flew and they flew.

and then there was berlin. i’m a bit scared to write this part actually. a lot was going on for me internally (see above) immediately before leaving, and for the majority of my time abroad, i was so lost. i didn’t know what i was doing there, feeling like i was just wasting my time and escaping responsibility. at times, i felt so alone. i convinced myself for a bit that i thought about everything so ceaselessly already that i didn’t need a new environment to learn about myself and be challenged to open my eyes up to the world. but in berlin, i found experiences that could not have happened to me anywhere else or could have hit home at any other time in my life. in berlin, i found muses. i found friends that inspired me with their individuality: yacha, jenn, vartan, kyra. i found club culture. i found the bullshit of aesthetic photography. i found the importance of pursuing what feels right. i found the importance of being my authentic self, even though it can feel isolating at times. i found an outlet in philosophy and art history, escaping into the aura of some of the greatest museums in the world, especially the moderna museet in stockholm and the ai wei wei exhibition in florence. it was a time of finding comfort in facebook chats with peter, jimmy, and jason. it was a time of living an alternate life with a completely unfamiliar routine of life and culture.

however, i think the contrast of returning back home was where i learned the most about the whole experience. they call it reverse culture shock. you really do see the juxtaposition of your current self and a previous self when you go back home. though while home i was fighting a bacterial sinus infection and rhinitis, i had never been so happpy to be with my family. it was the first time being back home where i didn’t even want to see my friends; i just wanted to be at home and be surrounded by my passionate, hilarious, loving parents, siblings, and nephew. man, are we explosive group of seven but equally explosive in support and love. i am almost tearing up writing this.

there’s much more to say, and probably tens of other experiences i should mention in here, but this post is getting too long and i should stop being a hermit crab.

2017 is going to be an amazing year. i can feel it.

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