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#(a decision that was a long time coming. a longgggggg time coming)
itspileofgoodthings · 10 months
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I spent the last week mostly crying and healing old wounds and having revelations and also facing things I already knew on a bone-deep level but also I spent the last week reading Mark van Doren’s The Noble Voice and oh my gosh he’s so right the Aeneid really falls so much shorter of the Iliad and the Odyssey because Aeneas is a stand-in for history and the Weight of Rome not actually a real person.
#anyway I’m being cryptic so in the interest of being direct:#I went to visit the motherhouse of the order of Dominicans who taught me growing up#to see if it was right for me#(a decision that was a long time coming. a longgggggg time coming)#and I need things to settle and they have decidedly not yet because I cannot even explain the anxiety that this unlocked#but. because I do want to talk about it for a second#because there is nothing wrong with how I reach conclusions about things and I have to remind myself of that#I do not believe it is for me and I will most likely not enter#and the grief that unlocked has surprised me because it’s been a mental safety net for me for the last ten years#and underneath the pressure and pain (there was stuff that happened to me that should NOT have)#(in the form of people having decided opinions about my future and what it should be)#(another reason I had to go because it had gotten so tangled up and I was so bitter and hurt)#I have always loved this place so deeply#and I still do and being able to separate that from my present. To see that I could love it and to know that I don’t belong there#Has brought me peace (I think. the anxiety is still in high gear but I believe it’s peace underneath) and also waves of grief!!!!!#Anyway it was SO much and I am still reeling and also it was so good#One: because I was able to say that I had been hurt and it was wrong and then I was truly validated for that#Validated feels like a weak word#Because it was better#But the mistress of novices was so angry on my behalf#And tbh that wasn’t why I went. It couldn’t be. I had to have a reason that went deeper than that and that could stand alone#no matter the reception to my story (which I couldn’t predict)!#but it happened anyway and it was good#and then the other thing is this weird double-handed thing of having all this flood of intuitions and reasons and things falling into place#which my analytical brain LOVED and then God almost putting a hand on my shoulder and being like ‘it doesn’t matter’#Not as in: I was wrong#Because. I was RIGHT. But there’s a secret third thing#And the secret third thing was just (is just) God saying: come closer. Come closer to me.#Trust me more. No—MORE#And it just. Whew. This is a lot but it’s been a lot!!!! It’s been so much!!!!!!!!!
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ofmermaidstories · 2 years
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Working on the Deku chapter for something (just like this) means I’ve kinda been thrown into Over-Analysis mode when it comes to our Big 3 and the ways that I wanna write them like, falling in love, so—
We’ll start with Bakugou, because in some ways he’s kind of the easiest. And by easy I mean that like, Bakugou, when he falls in love, is very… goal-orientated? And I mean that in a, he won’t fall in love until he can picture you in his life in the future. That’s it. And it sounds simple, right? But the thing is, his idea of the future would have, for a long time, always been the image of him… being successful. Kicking ass with the others. Career things, basically. Maybe getting to a place in his life where he can afford a decent life, when he has enough downtime to enjoy it. So that’s your first obstacle—proving that you, the shape of you, can somehow fit in amongst all that high-octane glory he pictures for himself (and his friends). And i think that’d be like, the highest mark of honour with Bakugou—the moment you realise that he is picturing a future with you, because for him the future—his future—was always so, so personal, was always about him being the best and like, continously propelling himself past every single milestone he’d set for himself. So to be the exception to that—to be the person he chooses to make that exception for—is… like, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the rest of your life, right there. Because for Bakugou? That’s for life. Once he decides you’re worthy, that’s him deciding you are worth the rest of his life.
(the problem—and the fun part, at least in our niche i guess—is getting to the point where he makes that decision about someone. Because he’s a slow burn, baby!!! He’s gonna stand off until he makes up his mind!!! And that could be a longgggggg time, depending on the circumstances you’re throwing him in, soo!!! buckle in!!!!!!!!!)
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(Hi! I LOVE YOUR BLOG!) Headcannons for how Sypha (Castlevania) would introduce her gf to Trevor and Alucard??
ANSWERING THIS AFTER 9999 YEARS BUT SYPHA??? OH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE???????????????
I GOTCHU AND IM SORRY IT TOK SO LONGGGGGGG
Bruh so like as much of a spunk mage Sypha be, she can get nervous. And like it’s kinda cute when she is, she stutters and gets all huffy and blushy and IM?????
But like after some time of talking and hand holding and assuring her this is her own thing and like she can take however much time she needs to get ready, she comes to her decision on her own.
Sypha most likely brings up her relationship status (after bragging about you to Alucard and Trevor for like a long ass time) one evening and is like: “Do y’all wanna meet my partner? I love them so much and I think I’m ready.”
Trevor is 100% ready for this funky ass lil mage to introduce her partner to them because he has sent a message thru Sypha that roughly says: “If u fucking hurt her I’ll hunt you down with the Morning Star myself”
Alucard on the other hand is prepared, like a man at a job interview, ready to answer any and all questions you may have and ask some of his own. 
So tada! Here you four are, sitting around the fire.
“This is my partner! PLease be nice to them! Don’t kill them pls and thanks.”
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you, Sypha has literally not shut up about you-” “Alucard stfu” “But it’s true! It’s only good things, I promise!”
“So YOU’RE Sypha’s partner? Nice, want some beer?” “....sure?”
All in all, both of the boys are protective of Sypha in different ways.
Both are like big bros but like...different
They both know that Sypha can take care of herself but while Trevor outright threatens you, Alcuard is like: “If you hurt Sypha, you’re digging your own grave lmao”
All the while Sypha is nervous and found clinging to your hand but the boys like ya. 
And then Trevor immediately tries to get you go on this whole scheme thing he has of pranking Alucard and Sypha
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rehamokani · 5 years
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&&. is that ( Naomi Scott )?? no, it’s just ( Reha Elizabeth Mokani ). They are an ( Heir ) of ( England ). They are ( Twenty-Four ) years old and their birthday is the ( 26th ) of ( December ) which makes them a ( Capricorn ).  they are ( determined & stoic ) and ( analytical & pragmatic ) but, unfortunately, also ( greedy & scheming ). those traits just make them a ( Ravenclaw ) and in scientific terms an ( INTJ ). They’re a ( Lesbian ) and the plaza’s ( thespian ). Their theme song is ( Wild Things ) by ( Alessia Cara ). Their interests include ( history & art ). They used to practice ( English Protestantism ) and is a supporter of the ( Labour Party ). Their quirk is ( writing reminders all over her arms ) and their favorite quote is ( We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced. ) by ( Malala Yousafzai ) because ( it makes them feel powerful and they connect it to their life and the things they have over come so far ). last but not least they ( don’t ) believe in true love.
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warning for long ass bio, if you know Reha feel free to skip all the way to NOW part - hit me up for plots tho! or like this and i’ll message you.
BASICS
Name: Reha Elizabeth Mokani Age: 24 Ethnicity: English & Indian (unknown) Sexuality: Lesbian Gender: Non-Binary, currently questioning specifics Pronouns: they/them (occasionally she/her especially when talking about themselves in the past or when with people they are not comfortable talking about that with)
BACKSTORY - The sun will come out tomorrow
Reha was born at 3 am the day after Christmas. Her mother, a beautiful young woman alone in a big city had held her close to her chest - brown eyes barely opened yet - kissed her forehead and gave her her name. Gave her both of her names, wrapped her up in a pretty white blanket, embroidered by hand that she had made herself, and worried out of the hospital as soon as she was capable. She had to drop Reha off- to protect her, to protect herself in a country mourning the death of its queen.
At least this was the story Reha told themselves in their childhood. All they really had of their mother was a note - a small thing. Barely a page long, with fast handwriting that Reha would pour over in their youth. Analyzing every letter. Tracing ever gracious curve with their finger until it was engraved in memory.
All the letter really told them was the identity of her father. But it was enough. Enough to get them through childhood fights, and countless foster homes.
To rowdy. To loud. To messy. Doesn’t get along with the other children. Hit someone. Caught stealing. To Tomboyish. To much.
There were countless reasons why they were kicked out or moved around - but the results were simple. Reha didn’t have enough time to be anywhere to create any roots . Had no friends, and trusted no adults. The only thing they had was that letter.
And for all of it, it was enough
It was enough to keep them motivated- to get the one family they felt that they could. Their father, a brother they had seen on tv for as long as they’d been alive. Living a better life than them, with a family to call his own. But soon it wouldn’t matter. Soon it would all be theirs as well. They would finally belong somewhere.
And it’s not like it was easy to grab the Kings jacket sleeve when he visited the orphanage. To refuse to let go as they quickly told him the whole story, their mother the beautiful woman, love of his life. The daughter he never knew he had, that he had always waited for. As they had for him. The letter. The letter they had as prove.
They will never know what possessed King Arthur of England to take them seriously that day. The most hateful part of them said it was all a show for the cameras. The poor orphan is confused we’ll invite her for Christmas.
The hopeful part - the one that stayed up past their bedtime tracing the letters with their finger dreaming of a place to call theirs - wanted to believe he saw their mother in that young child.
ROYAL LIFE - No finger will you lift my dear
getting used to the royal palace was... a challenge.
The family they had hoped for was - broken, hostile and at times nonexistent.  
Their father barely paid them any attention preferring to focus on his son - Vincent. The one he had raised. He was never outright rude to Reha, but it was like they was invisible once more.
Unless that was - if being seen was the point. The orphan girl turned princess was the headline of every newspaper - and soon they were known all over the world. A new member of a royal house is always great news - one at the age of 12 was unprecedented.
And with being an official member of royalty came the rules. They had to be clean up and proper at all times, their voice, accent, clothing, and walk was fussed over by a variety of people. They had tutors at all subjects - all while being told how unsuited they were for all of it. Perhaps not to their face - but Reha had always been good at hiding and getting what they wanted.
As they grew older the desire to prove people wrong grew as well. They wanted above all else their father's approval, attention and hopefully love. But those feelings quickly turned sour.
They despised Vincent for all the attention he got- both from their father as well as all those that criticized them. Grew to hate their other siblings for getting in the way of their goals. Isolated themselves as they had done in their youth - this time not in dreams of a family but in those of power. Let these consume them until nothing else mattered.
FIRST TIME HERE - It’s a hard knock life
That’s how Reha first arrived at the program. With an objective and a goal in mind. They would get supporters. A wife from another royal family to back up their claim.
Their siblings were soon to follow all of them after the same thing has them - the top spot in their father's list of children. The one to inherit all of England.
This would come sooner than any of them expected.
Arthur did as Arthur does, a stupid mistake was all it took for it all to come crashing down - he had survived 5 bastard children, some of which from before the death of his wife. But he couldn’t survive the threat of direct war.
England cast him aside and Reha was quick to push him on his way down. Allying herself with her uncle Bruce was not a difficult decision to make. They had no loyalty to Arthur. It had long stopped being about a family. It was about power.
The more they worked with Bruce, however - the more that changed. Bruce was affectionate the way Arthur had never been, kind to them but direct. His children were quick to warm up to them despite all the talk of how much they couldn’t handle children.
It wasn’t something they had managed to admit to themselves at that point - but they had found a place of their own.
And then the attack to the island happened.
They remember at best snippits of it. Pain, for the most part, lost of pain. Not being able to breath.
To rowdy. To loud. To messy. To much.
Screaming at Natalia to let her die in peace. Let her be in peace for once. Alone.
Waking up in the hospital and learning Vincent was shoot.
Telling Antonia she was giving up. To get the crown.
Leaving without really telling anyone other than Bruce and his family.
Fully disapearing
NOW - To turn my skies to blue
Reha took their time to travel around the world. Truly be alone for once. Get to known themselves without all their expectations of what life was supposed to be.
During that time they also took time to see a professional and work over their problems, specially anger issues and the childhood trauma, but also the trauma of the resent events.
It was during that time they started questioning their gender.
Figuring out they liked girls, and later calling themselves a lesbian had been as easy as breathing. But this was difficult. It involved looking deeper into their emotions and reactions and face a facet that had been criticized since they were little and had lead them to hide it.
For know they settled on they/them or she/her pronouns, felling a little bit better in their skin everyday.
However the fear of facing people keeping them more in the closet than they would have liked. However, have they’ve come to find, there’s no way for them to open that door gently once it’s cracked it begs to be kicked down.
The worst part is female-specific terminology like princess, sister, ect. Words that never refected them, and now more than ever make their skin crawl.
Which is why this felt like a good time as any to return from the dead. The new year a good excuse to renew themselves. Perhaps mend relationships.
LONG LONG LONGGGGGGG BIOOOOOOOOO
but hit me up for plots/like this 👀
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