#'i don't think that's from autis--' SHUT

[lokilysolbitch]

i keep explaining personality traits and quirks as "it's the autism" and i think it's starting to get taken as me exaggerating but i'm NOT. i buy tennis shoes too big bc i will have a meltdown if i can feel the end of the shoe on my toes. it's the autism. i got my first pair of non-jean pants recently and i am a full grown adult. every pair of pants except these will have me crying in the fitting room from sensory issues. it's the autism. the pants are high waisted and i wear them low. sensory need. it's the autism. 90% of my shirts are plant themed. special interest. it's the autism. i don't try new foods until a specific time when the Vibe Is Right. because most the time new sensory input will make me literally gag regardless of if i like the taste. autism. i'll pause a movie to do a deep dive of a side characters medication. pharmacology special interest. i took intro to pharmacology, human diseases, medical terminology, etc in college for FUN. i am not normal about it. it is not a normal interest. it's the autism. it's the autism. it's the autism. do you want me to show you where it falls under in the dsm criteria for autism each time i say it's the autism? do you want me to cite my sources when i say that the fact i've been eating cheerios for most of my meals is the autism? because i can ! do you wanna know whyyyy i will eagerly back myself up?

PSYCHOLOGY SPECIAL INTEREST.

ITS THE AUTISM.

#'i don't think that's from autis--' SHUT #autistic #autism #actually autistic #sensory issues #arfid #stimming #handmadeorganicpost #autistic spectrum #asd

[autiebiographical]

Hi, autie.

I love you.

Um, sorry... I don't have a word to tell you how thankful I am to your comics. So if you perceive this as a kind of love confession, I'm sorry as my love see you as friends.

Please skip this to end part if you feel tired, it will be a long story from the start.

Uh... I admit I don't have a good english and my own tongue, so let's hope that my words will reach you.

I am an Introvert Feeling with autisme and I only knew it last year (I am 20 right now as four days ago it's my birthday (but I'm feeling that I still in 10 years old or older than 50)).

At first, when I'm still ten years old, I have uncontrollable emotions like angry at jokes and broke things (fortunately, I kind of controlled it now?). I kind of keep myself caged at library or my room as playing with other children will trigger my trauma. The same year, I had accident cause I saw my higher class did it and nothing happened to him. I followed him even though I kept telling me to stay away. But I remembered that I don't feel anything, like I am confused to see my teachers worried? And I went to hospital.

After that, I remembered when I was in kindergarten. When I accidentally made my friend fell of from spinning wheel (it's crowded and I am the spinner (I'm not on it)), I am confused why she's crying and only focus on the spin (kind of, my memories was hazy). Now, I feel guilty everytime I remembered that.

I felt that I'm dangerous (not only because of that), so I shut myself away from peers. Even, from my families.

Everytime, everyday, every month, and every years... I always asked myself, why I am like this... why I did that... or why I keep thinking this instead of interacting with human?

I don't know and the god answered me with one book (I realised it one year later). It was about Autism or Asperger Syndrome. I remembered that I told my parents to bought that for my interests looking and want to learn psychology (cause in the past, I met it and interacted with some? Or I was bullying them without me realizing? I don't know)

I related some in the book but it still didn't clicked my mind. I just thought, "Isn't it normal?"

And one year later... I got diagnosed for depression, anxiety, etc. It was the test online from university that I dropped out now (I don't feel anything, just like when I was accepted by it).

Not only that, I was sent by the doctor to psychiatrist cause I always said that my body feel pain even though I'm okay? (I only knew the reason after I learnt about bio psychology only for two weeks ago)

After questioning many things, my psychiatrist said that I have to test three times. One is for my iq (this was fine as I always love this kind of quiz), one is for my like or hate (I always exhausted and kind of made some questions in bland), and finally the one I didn't recognized (The answer of all my suffering but I still need help cause I don't know the feeling in the question).

I answered it all with more honesty than I would in high school (cause I thought with the brain, not feeling) and kind of shocked to my answer. It has more than one answers, as like 'how much this will happen questions'

And... voila, my psychiatrist asked me if I know Asperger syndromes?

I said maybe but don't catch the memories where did I knew the words. I searching in internet and found one pictures that related to my experiential live hoods (surprise! I am a girl). Somehow, my life been flashed around my eyes. Just maybe... I did that (the 'bullying' or imteraction I had to them) because I was kind of jealous of them, like they can be free to express their emotion because someone already knew their diagnosis (my parents until now didn't get the official result of my test (and I always thought that they think I just want some reason to be... accepted behaviour (remember... that I have to kept this thing all by myself for 8 years)). Fortunately (before I went to the new university), I had a therapy (only for four times cause money and time), kind of better now.

So why am I so thankful to you?

It's so many so I just list what I remembered now.

1. Your comics helped me to write about autistic OCs (yeah... It's kind of piled up now) and recognized that my info dumping was informations about all of my OCs (yes, I kind of remembered that) and making relation one to another characters.

2. You are one of the reason that;

I love myself,

I picked psychology course,

I know how to interact with other autistics,

I know that it's okay to be self diagnosed,

I know that I'm not alone,

And finally... It's okay to info dumping but I still see the situation first.

In conclusion, you saved my life. But why?

Oh I forgot to tell you, it's really crucial for me.

I kind of have suicidal mind, like my thoughts were step ahead of me and I saw myself jumped to the running car when I wanted to crossing the streets (in the past I kind of got hit by motorcycle and I was fine only scratches (it was a secret)) or when I was using the knife, I saw it as my skins got bloody.

Fortunately, all of that only illusion and I still kind of controlled myself (cause my lessons in school and my mother scolded me that I am important to my parents (I always thought that they still had my younger sister if I were gone since my childhood))

As I am reading your comics, I kind of had found hope in my life now... like if you can tell your comics to the world, why I can't be?

So... Thank you and I am sorry if you feel attacked or think that I only joking with my autistic diagnosis (i'm not joking). Don't worry to skip my ask if you feel uncomfortable (I knew the feeling to feel tired through a long chat in group chatroom but I can't help it).

Oh and sorry for not watching you live, cause my anxiety made me not liking to hear other my family's voice even my own voice (except songs, I tolerated that).

I learnt that if someone said love to the one their loved ones, It will came back to you. (I got it from my imagination friend, yeah... I still had them until now).

Then goodbye and I love you with your comics, see you soon😁

Thank you so much. I really don’t think you’re joking about your autism, and this message didn’t make me feel uncomfortable or attacked at all. Sorry it took a while to respond though.

I’m so happy that my comic helped you so much. Life is so scary, and confusing when you think there’s something wrong with you, and that you’re alone, when in reality there’s nothing wrong, and you’re not alone. The fact that my comic helped you learn to love yourself just fills my heart with so much joy. It took me so many years to learn to love myself so I understand how hard it can be. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that your life just keeps getting better!