#'become infatuated with it. get so deeply distressed when it stops talking back you want to die' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dreamiehrs · 5 years

Text

jealousy issues ➛ h.rj

genre: jealous!renjun, fluff, maybe a lil angst, best friends to lovers, you’re oblivious and renjun’s annoyed lmao, high school au, bestfriend!renjun

pairing: renjun x you

requested: yes

note: hihi! this was requested by this beautiful anon! I actually found this request pretty interesting bc I had to think of how renjun would be jealous... so I hope you enjoy it! ty for requesting :) (gif credit: @renjunhuang)

you and renjun have been besties since... god knows when

just kidding, you and him have counted the years and it’s been around six years

aka since sixth grade!! you two met in math class when the teacher put you beside each other

that was probably her worst decision, to be honest... his witty remarks, which you always tended to bounce back and forth with him about, left the teacher in an annoyed mode the rest of the day

you guys were good students, though. so she wasn’t *that* annoyed, you know?

naturally, you guys started to learn more about each other and figured out you guys like a lot of the same stuff!! this led up to you guys exchanging numbers and hanging out almost every other weekend

your hangouts with renjun were something you always looked forward to

he never failed to make you laugh with his clever words and his sense of humor

as the two of you got older and went into high school... it seemed like everything had changed between you two

obviously, you two were still besties and nothing would change that, but as the two of you grew up together, sometimes you would find yourself thinking that renjun has... dare you say... gotten attractive over the years?

his features had become more molded and he’s started dressing more... impressively... the latter probably because you told him what style of clothing you liked guys to wear

you would mentally smack yourself whenever you thought of him that way, though. you shouldn’t be thinking of one of your best friends like that, right?

you would have your occasional crushes throughout high school, and he would, too

however, your flirting skills were at an all-time low, so you would never act on your crushes. you would just wait for them to pass by and not really be phased by it

renjun would tease you non-stop about your crush (if you had one at the time)... but at some points during you two’s convo he would seem... kind of stormy

like one day, during sophomore year, you plopped down in front of him at your lunch table

“how is my wonderful best friend doing today?” you asked as you took a bite of your sandwich

“terrible, now that you’re here.” he would bite back, but you were unphased as you stole one of his grapes

“oh shush, you know you love me.” you wiggled his eyebrows at him and he just gave you a look of disgust (in a loving way of course)

you then went on your rant about how much you admired upperclassman na jaemin, about how kind and caring he was, all that stuff

renjun’s mood and his smile quickly had fallen after he heard that boy’s name fall from your mouth

you didn’t seem to notice as you kept rambling, but you did spot his clenched fist which rested on the lunch table

“injunnie, you okay?”

his nickname snapped him out of his trance as he stood up and gathered his things

you just looked up at him, your eyebrows knotted in confusion

“where are you going?”

“you know, y/n, if you want to gush about your crush, how about you do it to someone else, alright?”

after his outburst, he quickly strode away from you and left you sitting at the lunch table, all alone

what just happened?

after you got home after school today you thought a little bit before hearing your phone chime

you unlocked it to see a text from renjun

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“)ʃ: I’m sorry for my little... outburst earlier today. it was a really stressful day for me and I ended up letting it out on you. I shouldn’t have done that

you: ...it’s okay. promise you won’t get angry when I mention jaemin?

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: I’ll try not to

you were still concerned after you guys cleared everything up... something just didn’t... sit well with you... ya know?

it took all of your brain to agree on this, but you had decided to try to stop liking jaemin

you didn’t want to lose your friendship with renjun, so it would be for the best, right?

you still had crushes after this, though. in junior year you were infatuated with the school’s star wrestler, lee jeno

renjun stayed his usual protective self and would nag you every five seconds about your crushes... at one point he said something along the lines of “you’re too good for them.”

“don’t flatter me, injunnie,” you replied and brushed the warm feeling in your chest away by pinching his cheek instead “what happened to my impolite friend, hmm?”

he almost decked you after this but someone’s presence at the end of your table made him decide not to

your cheeks went bright red and you quickly removed your hand from renjun’s cheek. he just scoffed and you sent him a pointed look afterward

you tried to telepathically send him a distress signal as jeno got closer to you two with every passing moment, but you knew you were toast when jeno finally sat next to you

“hi, y/n. so... I have a wrestling tournament tonight, and I was wondering if you were interested in coming to watch me.”

you could feel renjun’s eyes watching you intently but you were too excited with jeno sitting next to you “it depends on if I’m busy, but more than likely, I’ll be able to go.”

“okay, great. see you there.” he gets up excitedly and acknowledges renjun before striding back to his table

you lie your head on the lunch table, peering up at renjun “what am I gonna do, injunnie?”

“what do you mean ‘what am I gonna do?’ go see him tonight, dummy.”

“...injunnie you’re acting strange. do you have a fever or something?” you put your palm up to his forehead and surprisingly, he lets you

a small, but sad smile covers his face and you feel a pang in your heart

“just trying to get over someon- I mean, something.”

your heart felt heavy the rest of the day after renjun told you that

something was deeply wrong, and you were going to figure out what that ‘something’ was

you dialed jeno’s number and informed him that you weren’t able to go. his goodbye sounded more upset than you had expected, but you didn’t let it get to you as you texted renjun

you: meet me at my house in twenty. we’re having a well-needed movie night tonight

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: what about jeno?

you: I canceled on him

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: oh

you: yeah

you: pick up snacks nerd!!

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: you really wanna be smacked tonight, huh?

you took no time getting in setting up the living room for movie night

cue the tons of blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals you tossed on the couch in the living room

yes, you two still made pillow forts... yes, they were very comfortable...

while you were hitting the ‘on’ button for the tv, you heard three knocks on the door, which meant renjun was here

you quickly opened the door and headed back to decorating the couch, leaving him standing in the doorway

“psst! yn! a little help here?”

you hadn’t noticed that he had four full bags of snacks in both of his arms

“sorry buddy, can’t you see I’m busy over here?” you teased and you heard him huff before closing the door with his back

he set down the bags of snacks near the pillow fort you had constructed before meandering over to you

you can feel his eyes on you and you look up at him “what?”

“why did you cancel on jeno?”

“let’s discuss this in our cozy pillow fort, hm?” you lightly take hold of his hand and lead him into the pillow fort, which is beautifully decorated by yours truly :)

you take a deep breath before starting: “okay, so I canceled on jeno because I knew something was up with you. every time I would mention my crush, during the past and now, you always seem to get upset afterward.”

he stays silent, and you take both of his hands in yours in an attempt to get an answer out of him

“is it something that I did? was I being too dense again? please, just tell me.”

your heart’s beating a mile a minute with how anxious you are and renjun doesn’t help slow it down when he responds with: “I love you, y/n.”

after those four words left his mouth, you were now awfully aware of all the physical contact you were making with him, but you didn’t dare move your hands from his “w-what?”

“I’m in love with you, y/n,” he repeated, out of breath this time “I’ve been in love with you since freshman year, even though you were really cringy in that year.”

you giggled and lightly kicked his shin before he continued: “then when you started talking about all these crushes you’ve had I started getting... jealous. I couldn’t help myself sometimes, and it didn’t help that you went on and on about them...”

“...I didn’t say anything about your crushes...”

“that’s because the only person I’ve had a crush on is you.”

“...oh.”

the air starts to become awkward and you start internally freaking out

“you know what? just forget everything I just said. I-”

“injunnie, no. the truth is, I like you too.”

you can see from his facial expression that he’s trying to process this new information “wait, what about your past crushes, and your crush now?”

“jaemin was an actual crush of mine. I did have an interest in jeno, but you being jealous diverted my attention from the said boy. you’ve been giving me butterflies in my stomach since last year, but I’ve been suppressing my feelings in fear of ruining our friendship.”

“wow, we’re really both fools, huh?” you swat the top of renjun’s head “okay, okay, I’m joking.”

“after all that emotional drama, let’s go binge-watch movies now!” you drag him out of the pillow fort and onto the couch, where you two laid on top of the other as you turned the tv on

while you were finding a movie to watch, renjun pressed a soft kiss to the side of your cheek before whispering: “I love you, y/n.”

you felt your heart melt before mumbling back: “love you too, injunnie.”

464 notes · View notes

joeycupcakerichter · 3 years

Text

A letter he'll never read.

This is just going to be a incoherent mess of thoughts that I need to get out of my skull because otherwise they're going to drown me. so I'm gonna throw it under a read more and post it here so the thought can be out of my head and I can go back and reread whenever I start to feel like I'm losing control again.

Dear [him]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I've probably seemed obsessive and weird and I wish I could stop but I think writing this down, explaining it even though I know you'll never read it will help me process the feelings and move on.

I'm sorry it had to be you. I'm sorry that you were the one that caught me on a bad day and made me smile. I read too much into it. If I've ever made you uncomfortable in anyway, I'm so deeply sorry. There's some things that I think you need to understand about me that I think will help the two of us make sense of this and move forward.

My marriage was one built on trauma and distress. I was married to a man that loved the idea of me, not the person I truly was. He spent six years trying to shove me into a box that I didn't fit into, trying to make me into the girl he always wanted when he simply was not. It may sound ungrateful to say, but I was drowning in his attention but you have to understand that this was not the kind of attention anyone deserves. It was manipulative, it was guilt tripping, it was toxic in every sense of the word. He hated the things I loved and if he didn't start off initially hating them, he would quickly begin to hate them because they were associated with me. I know you're probably wondering what that has to with you and I promise I'm getting to it

The earliest date I have to tell you when this started was February 4, 2019. Yeah, you heard me right, two fucking years of this nightmare coping mechanism that you didn't ask to be a part of. February 4th was the day I created a playlist on Spotify because I was going to go to the gym. The first song on that playlist was Rev 22:20 by Puscifer because that's the song that every time I hear it, I think of you. The beginning of the song is enough to explain what I was feeling in that time.

Don't be aroused by my confession Unless you don't give a good goddamn about redemption I know Christ is comin', and so am I And you would too if this sexy devil caught your eye

I wanted you so badly. You represented everything that my current relationship lacked. You would give me attention, but only if I earned it. I was married at the time, so confessing my attraction to you would be something that you would have to not care if it sent you to hell. It was stupid, and I kept my mouth shut about it. I wasn't about to have an affair with you. I know I was already emotionally cheating on my husband, but I was not going to take the next step. I would just cling to this concoction of you I'd made in my head to cope with the misery that I was forcing myself to live with. It wasn't healthy and it DEFINITELY wasn't fair to you. You didn't ask to have someone develop an infatuation with you that you didn't want. I did my best to be cool and remember who the fuck I was but I know you knew. I deluded myself into thinking that you were interested, even if you couldn't pursue it. I think that made it worse.

Your trip and the jokes we made about it truly cemented this stupid ass infatuation into my brain. The thought of running away from my life with you haunted my dreams. In fact, there was one dream that I had that I still distinctly remember that plays in my head on repeat every now and then. We were at a party, you pulled me into the pantry and we were talking and you looked at me, confused, and said, "You know I like you, right?" I woke up immediately after, confused and with my heart pounding. This came shortly after you told me that your friend had backed out of the trip and you had an extra ticket, if I just got my passport. I didn't, of course, but I remember you telling me that I could sit next to you on the plane and rub your back as you puked into your airplane bag because you were afraid to fly.

I'm terrified that I sound insane and creepy and unsettling. I KNOW you were just kidding around but it was something I could cling to. It kept me alive when I was laying in bed staring out of my window wishing I had to courage to just jump. That was a lot to put on you but I comforted myself by reminding myself that you would never know. I would never ever cross the line of telling you how much that stupid little joke meant to me. You'll probably never know this, but you saved my life. And for that I can only thank you.

I'll never forget when you left, either.

I channeled the confusing feeling of loss and pain into a story that I'm still incredibly proud of. I won't bore you (or creep you out) with details, but you left two months after your trip and I did nothing but write. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote that pain away until I couldn't feel it anymore. It was gone. I fixed it all. I was fine. I barely thought about you. That initial hyperfixation was gone. You were gone.

Until you weren't.

A mutual friend told me that you were coming back and I thought my heart was going to erupt. That was when I stopped writing my story because I didn't need it anymore. You were coming back. I tried to remain casual, but that December when you were finally back, I could've wept with joy. It was sad, it was pathetic but you were back and everything was going to be fine. I had my coping mechanism back. We both know I can't help but look at you when you're near by. Even just a glimpse could make me smile. You were so soothing to me. You still are. It's illogical and it doesn't make sense, but whenever I talk to you, or even just see you I am simultaneously relieved and set on edge. I have to watch myself. I don't want you to know this creepy stalker narrative I'd unintentionally crafted. It wasn't even stalkery.

I didn't cross lines, I just wanted to talk to you, be around you somewhere that was an even playing field. I've only texted you when I absolutely had to. I couldn't bring myself to bother you. I put you up on a pedestal and didn't ask you for anything more. I wanted more, I craved that sweet validation but I wouldn't cross that line. We were work friends, if you could even call it that. We were coworkers that sat together on break all the time. Sometimes I would feel like maybe you could be interested but I would always reminded myself that just because I wanted you to be, didn't mean you were. I constantly kept myself in check. I barely even mentioned you to my friends and even when I did, you were the mediocre white guy at work. Hell, I still refer to you as that because I need to keep myself in check. You are not the end all be all of men. Believe me, I would let myself believe that if I didn't keep myself in check.

When the pandemic hit, you were gone again. I thought it was forever this time and I decided it would be okay. It had to be okay. I wasn't going back to work if you weren't going to be there and by all logic, you shouldn't have been. You were the reason I didn't hate my job. I liked talking to you for fifteen minutes at a time that much. It's silly, but it made everything better. I didn't need to date you. I didn't need to sleep with you. I just wanted you to be my friend and you had been. I thought that chapter was closed.

And then my husband left me. And I found out you were back again. Despite everything I'd figured, that you wouldn't go back for a third time, that you wouldn't even be able to, another mutual friend mentioned that you were back. And I was ready to run back into that hellhole's hateful arms to have you close and as my friend again. I couldn't talk to you outside of work, I didn't know what to say. I was scared it was going to come out wrong because things were different now. I was different now. I wasn't going to be married for much longer. I let myself stray into thinking maybe now could be different.

You gave my husband an instrument to fix and he left it and me here so I figured I could give it back to you, at the very least. I was gonna shoot my shot. "of course I remember you". Now I'm not sure if that was as flattering as I initially took it but you forgot and I cried. But I left you alone. If you had any of the same feelings I had, you wouldn't have. It was okay. You didn't have to match my energy. Mine was out of control and emotional, coming only a week after my husband left the state. I was a train wreck and I'm glad now that you didn't come pick it up. I would've embarrassed myself. I would've tried to tell you all of this to your face and it would've been a mess. It wasn't fair to you. It wasn't fair to me. I was in mourning, I was in shock. Just like most of the people I knew, you probably wouldn't have known what to say. What do you say to a woman who had been abandoned so easily and quickly? Awkward pity in my experience with people who weren't you. But I told you. You knew. That's all I wanted.

And now, I'm terrified that I'm becoming FAR too obvious. I wasn't subtle before, but I KNOW I'm not subtle now. I'm terrified of making you uncomfortable, or even worse, acting like Mandee. Becoming so overbearing and not picking up on vital social cues that would tell me that you didn't want me around. Every now and then, I'll forego sitting outside to sit with you but I won't do it every break. I don't want to seem like I won't leave you alone. I don't want to seem like a crazy woman who's obsessed with you. Maybe I still am, despite my best intentions, but I try so hard not to be. You don't owe me ANYTHING. And sometimes I get the vibes that I need to leave you alone so I do. And I resign myself to the fact that I ruined it because I couldn't keep my shit together.

My standards are so low right now, that you can talk to me first and I feel like maybe we could still be friends. Not a damn thing more than that. I can't stress that enough. Despite everything I've written here, it's not like I want you to sweep me off my feet and save me from everything. I just.... I want to be your friend. I want to actually know you other than anecdotal conversations.

I don't know how to finish this. It's pathetic, its cathartic and I just needed to get it out of me. I'm so tired of keeping it in and while I won't tell you, just writing it down helps. So thank you. Thank you for everything you don't know you've done for me. I'm sorry I let it go this far and get this... weird. Thank you again.

#nova trauma dumps #nova speaks #nova rants #tw: suicide mention #tw: suicidal ideation #ask to tag #if you were wondering where I get my Ted from this should give you a good idea #goddamn I wrote a lot about something that doesn't even matter #personal

1 note · View note

storytime2021 · 3 years

Text

What You Are

He saw her for the first time on his way to work. He had slept in and was in a hurry, but when he saw her standing outside the coffee shop, he slowed down. With blond hair like the golden sunshine of the early morning and beauty beyond words, she stood out from the crowd around her. Definitely hard to miss. He didn’t stop to talk or even simply say hi and find out who she was. He was late enough already.

The next time was on a grocery run. He was standing in front of the register when shewalked down the sidewalk in front of the large display window. Again, he didn’t try to talk to or even approach her. He let her walk on by. He almost forgot his bags. He was too distracted byher gorgeous smile.

He saw her a few more times after that. He started to notice that she was always wearing a plain white sundress that billowed around her whether it was windy or not and soft golden heels that never made a sound. Her hair was wavy and he wanted more than anything to reach out and touch it. He wanted to know if it was as warm as the sunlight it imitated.

Not once did he ever ask anyone else if they saw her or knew who she was. He didn’t want to risk someone else seeing her and having the courage to talk to her. He didn’t want to lose her. He wanted to believe that she existed only for him. She was his mysterious angel.

The final time he saw her, he was on a normal walk one Saturday afternoon. It was just an ordinary day. He didn’t wake up feeling like anything special was going to happen. He did leave the house hoping he would see her, but he did that almost every day.

It was in front of the same coffee shop where he first saw her, only this time, she wasn’t simply standing there observing everything. She was ducking quickly into the alley between thecoffee shop and the hardware store next door. She seemed to be in quite a hurry.

Her long hair and dress trailed after her as she ran and disappeared around the corner. No one on the busy street looked questionably at her. No one seemed to even see her.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ he told himself. ‘It’s not your business. She’s not yours to worry about.’

But how could he not worry about her? She was clearly running either towards or away from something. What if she’s in danger? He was infatuated with this woman and he couldn’t just walk by and pretend like everything was okay and an angelic woman didn’t just run by in front of him clearly in some sort of distress. This was important. He knew it was. This felt like a turning point in his life and he wasn’t about to ignore it.

It took him only a moment to resolve this internal argument before he was chasing after her. He moved as fast as his legs would carry him. He didn’t want to lose sight of her in the odd twists and turns of the alleyways he couldn’t remember being here before. For a woman in heels, she moved gracefully and effortlessly. Her feet might as well have never touched the ground. She could have been floating. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up the longer this chase went on. But he was determined. He had to know why she was running. He had to help her and win her heart after all this time.

She didn’t seem to notice him despite all the sound he made as she wove her away through trash and debris. Without any warning, she turned sharply around a corner. He tried to match her movements but lost his footing, landing with a loud crash in a pile of garbage bags beside a dumpster. A few tore open and things spilled out. Shredded pieces of paper blew out around him and drifted down like snow.

She stopped dead in her tracks and froze as if time itself had stopped. The world had gone so silent, he could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

She turned around slowly to look at her pursuer. Her face was pale and blank as she eyed him. He felt his blood run cold. He made a mistake and he knew it. He never should have followed her. He should have continued his walk. He’s messed up everything.

Her head tilted to the side like a curious pit bull as she studied him. Her eyes scanned every inch of him and the paper still falling to the ground. The predatory way she looked at him made him uneasy but he didn’t say a word as he waited for her to move or speak.

To his surprise, she extended her hand out to him as if to offer to help him up. He noticed her long, bony fingers and they reminded him of his mother’s hands.

She played piano and when he was young, she tried to teach him. Early on, it became apparent that he didn’t inherit his mother’s musical talent but she encouraged him until the day he gave up and refused to try again. He swore he heard the soft echo of the keys and the way the music floated up the stairs to his room in the evenings.

He blinked twice to bring himself back to the present and for a second he wondered why he was thinking of that now at a time like this, and why it seemed that he could still hear the music.

He looked back up at her and noticed the way the rough wind blew her dress tightly around her small body. Her long, blonde hair was blowing around her perfectly sculpted face. In an instant, her gray-blue eyes had him in a trance.

‘God, she is so much more than beautiful,’ he thought.

Without any hesitation, he took her hand. He expected sparks and fireworks from her touch but what he got was cold ice. He felt as if he was stuck under the ice of a frozen lake as all the air was sucked out of his lungs. He gasped and coughed but no air would go back into him.

The deep shadows in the corners of the alley rapidly spread around them, casting them in complete darkness. He could see nothing around them except for her. The white pieces of paper from the ground swirled up and made a tight tornado around them as the wind picked up.

Her eyes went black, no more gorgeous storm cloud blue. They were now darker than the space she stood in.

She smiled and her teeth were nothing like they were that day outside the store. She now had a mouth full of daggers.

Her bones cracked like thunder as two impossibly large, broken wings extended and unfolded from her back. They were nearly featherless and bent in horribly painful angles. He could hear her skin and the fabric of her dress tear as they broke free. Blood was splattered on what few pure white feathers that still remained.

All he could do was watch. He couldn’t scream or try to get away. He was frozen from her touch and the most fear he’d ever felt in his life. It was the most fear he would ever feel in his life.

Despite her transformation, he still found her beautiful. Yes, she was terrifying, but still absolutely stunning. She was still more of an angel than any woman he had ever seen or met.

He continued to gasp for breath and hold onto conscientiousness. He could no longer tell what was spinning paper and what was spots popping in his vision. He could no longer feel her cold hand in his but he knew she still had a hold of him.

The last bits of his life and the last ounce of his soul were draining away. They were being siphoned out of him through her touch. Her transformation was now complete and he could swear he could see tears in her eyes.

Before his eyes closed for the final time, he suddenly understood. He said his final words in the silence of the pitch-black alley with her as his only witness.

“So that’s what you are,” he whispered in awe.

She let go of his hand and his body fell to the ground, lifeless. She didn’t want to do that to him. Not after the last one. But he gave her no choice. She had to lure him away from the crowds and take his life. He had been watching her since she first arrived. He could see her. That never ended well.

She had tried to make it end sooner by distracting him with a happy memory before he took her hand but he resisted. He insisted on looking at her instead. She allowed herself to fully transform to try to encourage him to disappear back into his own mind to ease the pain but he wouldn’t do it. He suffered through every last second just to be able to watch her.

Tears slid slowly down her cheeks. She felt guilty and deeply regretted what she had done. He was just a normal guy. It wasn’t his fault. She never should have been out in the open so much. She wasn’t made for the normal life and she was a fool to ever think she was. But she hated living her life on the move, unable to stay anywhere for very long and really make a home.

Someone always ended up seeing her.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm down. The area around them had returned to normal and she was starting to too. She winced as the wings slid back in and her skin mended itself. She didn’t know what hurt worse, the tearing or the healing.

She stepped back and said the only words she ever spoke to him even though she knew they would never be enough to fix what she had done.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered before walking away.

1 note · View note

tinfoil-jones · 7 years

Text

Motorcity: Join me, chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Motorcity or the listed characters Title: Join Me Rating: T+ Summary: AU, Chuck and Mike never met in Deluxe; Chuck is leader of the Burners and Mike is still Kane's Commander. Despite being enemies, Chuck and Mike find themselves having feelings for each other, but are both too stubborn to leave their sides of Detroit. Pairings: MikexChuck, DutchxTennie Warnings: Don't read if you don't like or are triggered by violence or dystopian societies Author's Note: For the sake of the AU to work Chuck is OOC and some events have been slightly changed. ~~~ 17: Texas Told’em “TEXAS TOLD YOU NOT TO STICK YOUR DICK INTO EVIL.” While Dutch, Jacob, R.O.T.H and Julie was stunned into silence, Texas did not miss a beat in yelling that, jumping out of his chair and grabbing Chuck by the collar of his shirt, the intimidating effect was unfortunately not lost by Texas’s inferior height. “I-I-” Chuck stammered, the less bold aspect of his personality started to surface at his anxiety, he was cut off when the Stronghorn driver slammed him against the wall and drew his fist back to punch him. Chuck froze at the remembrance of the beating he’d gotten from Tooley that resulted in his artificial eye. “Knock it off, Texas!” Julie snapped and grabbed the dark haired man's fist, effectively stopped him as he was grounded slightly out of his angry state. Blinking, he absentmindedly dropped Chuck. The leader was still shaken, but fixed up his jacket anxiously nonetheless. “Chuck… You’re not serious are you?” Dutch asked, looking to his robot companion before back to his programmer leader. Damn the Duke, damn the duke right to the recycling bin of the netherworlds. “I’m… I’m serious.” Chuck confirmed, soft and morose. “You’re… You’re DATING Mike Chilton?! Chuck, dude - he’s Kane’s right hand man!” Dutch near stammered. “I’m aware, Dutch.” Chuck had his arms behind his back, as to silently and unseenly up the level of his fear inhibitor. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep a straight face. “How… How did this happen?” Julie inquired, there was something else in her voice that Chuck couldn’t immediately pick up on. “I… I… well...” The blond swallowed hard, “He… He sneaks down here because the freedom we have down here intrigues him- well, mostly the food and cars actually. One day a couple of months ago we were both at the same fast food place at the same time, and, we couldn’t fight with so many people around and instead had a conversation about loyalties and ideals… and, well…” “Then you stuck your dick into evil?” Texas broke in when Chuck trailed off. “...Bluntly, yes. We… Started dating soon after.” Chuck admitted, raising the level of his inhibitor to half-strength, the sclera in his natural eye became a rose shade. “...Dude.” Was all Dutch could say, R.O.T.H was chirping something of similar meaning in his robot language. “Guy’s… Guy’s I...” Chuck swallowed “I’m sorry, okay… I’m sorry; I knew it was wrong to lie and hide this from you. I know it’s wrong to feel this way about someone who’s our enemy.. But...” “You can’t continue this relationship with Mike, Chuck.” Jacob half-consoled, half-scolded as he approached the younger man and gently touched his arm Chuck got onto the defensive “You don’t understand - Mike’s different.” He himself wasn’t sure why, but he knew deep down Mike was different, he wasn’t the same as Kane, the other Kane soldiers or even Dutch’s brother. He just… was different. He just didn’t see the true corruption behind Kane’s execution of his ideals. “You can’t have your loyalties divided like this Chuck.” Jacob argued back “Chilton still fights on the behalf of Deluxe, he’s a soldier and it’s a soldier's job to follow their orders. He’s not just any soldier either, his orders come directly from Kane.” Chuck’s expression twitched and then faltered, like a drooping leaf. In response Jakob placed a hand on his shoulder, sensing the distress he was beginning to fall into. “I’m not heartless Chuck, I understand how both love and infatuation feel. And however strong the feelings you are you can’t balance the safety of Motorcity on them. Chilton is military official of Kane’s army, and he himself will eventually have to choose between you and Deluxe…. Settle this with him now, Chuck, or.. You can ‘t be a Burner anymore.” His blood spiked with ice - not be a Burner anymore?! That was all he was! He dedicated absolutely everything for the cause of liberating Motorcity, for the cause of liberating people in general from the oppression of Kane. “You can’t be serious! Isn’t that a bit overkill?” “It is not overkill, Chuck. If you were dating some random from Deluxe - hell, any /other/ soldier than this wouldn't be a problem. But this is the commander we’re talking about… talk to him tonight, tell him he can either choose Deluxe, or choose you.” This was some Disney plot inconvenience bullshit right here “So you’re trying to tell me either break up with my boyfriend or I’m booted out?” “That… may be what’s best, Chuck.” Dutch drawled out slowly “I mean, this relationship between you and Chilton? It’s messed up. But… We can’t tell you how to feel, or who to feel for. Just… go find him, tell him to pick. You’ve been trying to recruit him forever so… I guess now’s your chance? We don’t want to lose you man.” He kept frowning, he turned his fear inhibitor off, and realized he was actually quite close to tears but he didn’t want his team, especially Texas, to see it. “F-Fine… ” He stammered “I’ll… tell him to meet me at the charging ports, and I’ll ask him if he’s willing to leave Deluxe...” “Do you want one of us to go with you?” Julie asked. “No… It’s between me and him.” ~~~ His radio really liked being as ironic with his life problems, because the song that came on once he was halfway to the charging ports was “I Hate this Part” by the Pussycat Dolls, a song and band from the time before dystopia. Chuck heavily sighed, he really could drive faster than five miles below the speed limit, but he was too nervous to confront Mike with this. “You okay nerd?” Texas asked as his head appeared from the back seat. “Not really- WHAT THE-?!” Chuck swerved and had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting anything. Once parked temporarily, he twisted around to face his unexpected passenger “What are you doing here?!” He demanded and summoned his sling-shot for good measure. Texas put his hands up defensively in the face up of the other Burners weapon “Hey hey put that thing away!” “I told you I didn’t want to bring anyone with me!” “I’m here as back-up to make sure he doesn’t attack you!” “Texas I swear to-” Chuck inhaled deeply and pulled back, reminding himself to be the adult here. This wasn’t the first time Texas went against his orders after all, so he’d have to take this with a grain of salt, it was too late to take him back. “Fine, but when we get there stay in Blonde Thunder okay? Only come out if you see that I’m in danger, okay? Keep yourself hidden.” “Roger that nerd.” And with that Texas ducked back into the junction between the front and back seat. The song ended as Chuck pulled up to a spot near the charging ports, Mike was already there, mostly in uniform but he was wearing his Burners jacket rather than his uniform top, and his hands were resting in the pockets. When he spotted the approaching blond, he flashed him a smile. A knot formed in Chuck’s throat and his legs grew heavier with each step. “H-Hey Mikey...” “Hey Chuckles- you alright babe?” He asked, concerned as he noticed his usual confident partner was shaky and seemingly timid. “I-I, u-u-uh-” Chuck began with a stammer, Mike had to grab his upper arms to keep him from falling over with how shaky he was; Chuck held onto him back and in his current state, instinctively hid his face between the shorter male's neck and shoulder. Confused but concerned, Mike drew his arms around the blond in return in an attempt to calm him down “Woah… is, something wrong?” He asked, kissing the back of his head. Why did Mike have to make this harder by being so damn sweet? “...Promise me to not be mad.” “Excuse me?” “Promise me!” “I… I, I promise?” Mike agreed, albeit reluctantly. “Whatever it is… I want you to know, I… I love you.” If you strained hard enough you could hear something akin to glass breaking in the distance. That was Chuck’s sanity. Of all times to tell him? Of all damn times? Chuck looked up from his shoulder slightly “D-Do you mean that?” A hand stroked him back gently, making the whole situation even worse. “Of course I do.” Chuck wasn’t exactly the most emotionally developed guy out there, but by the sound of Mike’s tone he knew that he meant it. “...Itoldtheburners.” “Huh?” The brunet inquired, Chuck had spoken too fast for him to quite catch what he had said, only really picking up ‘Burners’. Chuck sucked in a breath, trying to internally stabilize himself as he continued to cling onto the pillar of strength that was Mike Chilton “I told the Burners.” He paused, then continued to clear the confusion “About us. I told them about us-” He started to ramble, starting with the incident with the Amazons and the Duke, and finished where they currently were, sans Texas being in the car. Although Mike was very stiff, he continued to hold him in anyways “They… Know about us?” “Mike I can’t keep doing this...” Chuck admitted, gripping the black fabric of his jacket, he noted Mike’s shocked and nearly horrified expression “Like this, I mean. I want to stay with you- because I l-love you too.” His voice started to lurch with his body, a sincere if somewhat forced confession he’d been saving for a less tense time “I can’t date the right-hand man of Kane, not when he’s the very person I’ve staged this rebellion against. Mike… the only way for us to stay together, is if you join me (1).” There was a long silence, stretched farther than the eye could see. “Chuck...” The shorter man began, his tone was soft but his hold on the other was growing limp, a bad sign “You know… You know I can’t do that.” Chuck pulled away from him, his eyes were streaming tears. Well, only his right eye was. His left eye wasn’t his real eye. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to be upset. He wanted to scream at Mike all of Kane’s injustices and crimes against humanity. About the Terra’s. About Red and the fate of Red’s home. About how Kane had not only exiled him for trying to do the morally right thing, but had him beaten and taking his eye away. Back when he had been loyal to Deluxe and Kane, just like Mike. He wanted so badly to be enraged. But all he felt was mutual sorrow when his maya-blue eyes met Mike’s dark brown ones. Of course he should have seen this coming. They had talked about this at the fast food restaurant all of those months ago, when their forbidden liason’s began. They were both loyal. Loyal to their respective causes, to their people. Mike was loyal to the people of Deluxe, he was a soldier and he served his people first. Chuck was loyal to Motorcity, to his people, and to their liberation. He swiped his sleeve across his right eye “Well then… I guess this is where it ends.” More silence, Mike stood there still. Chuck knew the other commander wasn’t heartless, that this was hurting him as much as it was hurting Chuck. He stayed silent. Up until Chuck turned to leave “Come back with me to Deluxe… I’ll put a word in for you.” “You know I can’t do that Mike.” ~~~ Texas was almost asleep when his leader finally returned - Chuck had opened the door fast and had slammed it closed equally as fast - the Stronghorn driver peered out and saw Chilton had exited through the charging ports. “So he said no? No surprise there nerd, you really know how to pick them.” Texas said, as he sat up. “...” Chuck was silent and had his back turned to him as he sat in the driver's seat, and started up Blonde Thunder. “You’re better off without him anyways-” Texas was surprised when a sob ripped itself away from the other Burner, followed by shaky sniffles, but Chuck refused neither to turn back nor even cover his face with his hands to cover his most likely devastated expression “You, uh, you alright nerd?” Chuck didn’t answer. Not to his question, not when the other man's arms went around his shoulders and drew him in for an awkward bro-hug, not when his sniffles began dying down. Yet he realized, that maybe the painful choice was the right choice… because even though giving up Mike was painful, he could never give up the Burners… A the usually insensitive Texas providing him with comfort in his moment of weakness further vilified his resolve that they were his family. A weird, loud, sometimes dysfunctional, and chaotic family, but they were all he had. ~~~ 1: Don’t you just love it when the title of something appears in the dialogue. No I’m not giving up this story, now that I’m out of Korea (I was there for work purposes) and back in the states with a… mostly, stable connection, I can go back to regularly writing. Thank you for your patience. There’s like… two to three chapters left.

#when you stick your dick into evil #Texas was right #But he'll still shove being right in your face #join me #join me au #Motorcity #mike #Chuck #mike chilton #au #Muck #muckles

12 notes · View notes

artificialsonja · 5 years

Text

Lies

I have to admit I have lied to you. It’s not without embarrassment, and maybe a bit of shame, that I make this confession. I have been giving it much thought and I’ve come to realize I couldn’t have known I was lying back then. But deep down, perhaps, I should have suspected.

Maybe in my subconscious I already knew. I might have foreseen what would happen if I hoped for this to be requited. I never dared to dream. I was doomed to learn how to live with my feelings and to never let anything slip. To get used to your constant presence like a vice grip to my heart. A reminder of what would never be.

Of course talking was never an option, because I am useless, and a little -lot- insecure. Things are never simple. That’s not how my sense of logic works. Anxiety can be a bitch, you know. And I was always terrible with words.

This isn’t a story about how things unfolded, there’s no need for it. But words have a funny way of leading the mind through unexpected paths. I never liked that, how communicating never ended up happening the way I planned. But things don’t always go as planned. You would know as much.

I have no clue of where this is leading but for the little amount of certainty I’ve experienced in my life, there’s something as clear as the way the foggy cloud of distress constantly plaguing my mind dissipates when I’m around you: none of this was ever as I could have tried to imagine.

Things are never simple, and this wasn’t going to be an exception. My mind can’t process simple. But it’s very well used to disaster. I found myself going through different scenarios in which everything went wrong and the good things I keep denying myself because of fleeting moments of feeling worthless were not deserved. Fear not, I have learned to live with that, and to compartimentalize it as a very bad prank my brain plays me once in a while. And pranks I can take, if I rationalize it for an unpleasant lapsus. I know and trust you not to be one to play around on these matters, and that’s ever so reassuring. It can get tedious though, let me warn you, the amount of reassurance I might need. But I believe you suspected when you got into this ride. No pun intended.

But as it turns out, things ended up being simpler than I obsessively over-analized them for. When we were together, the foggy cloud turned to one of completely different feelings. If anyone asked me, I wouldn’t be comfortable putting a name to it, because I think it’s a bit more complex than words. Or, you know, maybe my poor communication skills aren’t of much assistance here.

I guess you can put it, among other things, as a mix of infatuation, longing, lust, and a consumming sense of calm that makes my brain stop working as it normally does. I could suddenly see the simple. There was nothing to worry about.

Well, that is another blatant lie. I always have things to worry about, and not even you get to be the exception. Quite the opposite, I tend to worry about you in a greater manner. But that’s not where I’m trying to go right now.

What I mean is- What do I mean? I feel like I’m rambling, and I’m losing control of the narrative again. This is why I don’t write.

Among other things I wasn’t expecting about how this would turn out, I got hit in the face with a brick wall of intensity I didn’t see coming. To this day, I’m still not sure if I ran directly to it, totally conscious with my eyes wide open or if it just appeared out of nowhere without a fair warning.

Fair? What’s fair, really? I want to say you weren’t but that would be paradoxical. You’re always quite lovely.

I didn’t know my brain cells could turn into mush and my heart beat could sky rocket so easily. I struggled keeping myself in check of my reactions before, for obvious reasons. And after, out of embarrassment. It was so excruciatingly hard, both to achieve this and to acknowledge my lack of control over my feelings. Of course I know feelings can’t be controled, but you have to understand I am, if sensible and nominally intelligent, also considerably self destructive in nature, and I didn’t know where I was standing. As you might recall, my balance is pretty shitty even with both feet on solid ground.

I’m not a person of many words. I can tell. Both in spoken words and the way my fingers tremble as I write. But I try to let myself be heard in the manner I find attainable at the moment.

I’m extremely physical. In the obvious and the subtle. I like physical contact. It’s one of my ways of communication. It only works for people I care about, I’d hope it goes without saying I don’t go around randomly touching people just because. That would be weird. I mean, I don’t judge. But it’s a reality and I’ve come to terms with it. Sometimes I get a bit afraid some people might think it a bit much. It’s become sort of my way to convey my emotions without having to use words, because they frighten me for some reason. And when I feel deeply, I tend to look for constant physical contact. And I feel a whole lot of things, constantly. It can be overwhelming.

You were definitely overwhelming. And extremely receptive. I think that did it for me. The second I realized how receptive, I couldn’t bear to stop touching you. I don’t usually mind about others’ pleasure more than usual. I don’t say this in a selfish manner, but as my personal standard. But fuck. You switched all of my wires. I suddenly found myself in an irrefrainable frenzy. I couldn’t have enough. I don’t think I ever will.

It was like going through an insatiable hunger to feel you shiver. A thirst that only recedes with the taste of your skin. But it’s never enough to feel satiated. I could spend endless hours caressing every inch of your body and never tire. I told you once to ask me to stop, otherwise I never would. It’s maddening, like a heated fever. I’m at your mercy every time you turn your hand upwards and let me caress your fingers.

It’s shattering, how much it affects me. I wonder if you know how overpowering you are. A trance I just can’t resist. It’s exquisite. But it takes every ounce of my focus not to get carried away by its profuseness.

I have to admit I have lied to you. For I told you once I’m a bit of a tease. I said you don’t know me teasing yet. And the truth is, you might never do. I don’t think I have the self control to stop at that. With you, it seems like an impossible task.

But life can be simple, and I can keep trying.

0 notes