#☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

Leans into Kensei's shoulder and plants a little kiss just above his ear. ( @txchikaze )

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯. kensei #☯: only honest when it rains #[[ gotta start up again somewhere :D ]]

[khuantru]

your new walking or jogging music mix 👟👟

song: KENSEI【 剣聖 】 ☯ Japanese Trap & Bass Type Beats ☯ Trapanese Hip Hop Music Mix by Yakuza Yaroku

channel: Mr_MoMo Music

#Mr_MoMo Music #KENSEI【 剣聖 】 ☯ Japanese Trap & Bass Type Beats ☯ Trapanese Hip Hop Music Mix by Yakuza Yaroku

[kazeshinigami]

"Got you somethin'." It had been Rose's idea. It embarrassed Kensei to get it, but he knew it'd probably make Shuuhei happy. And besides.. it wasn't so bad. He actually.. Kind of liked the look of it. The gift in question was a choker. More like a collar, really. It was soft, black leather, but the front looked a bit like a dog chain, and the ring that was attached to that chain.. if you pulled it, the collar pulled tighter. Shuuhei had certainly shown an interest in that kind of thing. He liked it when Kensei put his hand around his throat, after all. Plus, he wore a choker pretty much every day of his life, a life-threatening one at that, considering its explosive abilities. This.. was different, not an everyday accessory, but it'd probably suit the brunet just as well.

The gift was not wrapped, but the collar came in a small, square box. A matte black with elegant kanji embossed in silver on the top, declaring the shop's name 'The Leather Club'. Apparently, a favourite of Rose's. He was a Platinum member and could easily get him discounts, he'd boasted. Not that Kensei thought he ever needed to visit there again.

"I'll return it.. if its not.. yanno-" he gestured vaguely "--right. 'r not your thing, or somethin'.."

Color Shuuhei curious, at the least, when Kensei presents him with the box. Usually Kensei's gifts are some variety of food (not that Shuuhei is complaining about how much better he has been eating since becoming his captain's lover), so a deviation from that pattern makes the act all the more special, in Shuuhei's mind.

When he opens it and realizes what the contents are, he grins. He can guess that Rose may have had a hand in this, but that doesn't detract from the fact that Kensei had purchased this choker for Shuuhei. Had probably already pictured in his mind how Shuuhei would look in it, which widens Shuuhei's grin all the more.

At Kensei's uncertainty (which is just a bit cute, given the circumstances), Shuuhei immediately looks up at him to settle the matter. "Kensei-san, this is very much my thing. I love it." To reinforce this, he carefully removes his usual choker and replaces it with the gift. He feels giddy already at the thought of Kensei slipping a finger through the ring and pulling it tighter around his neck. He might send Kensei a look inviting him to do just that.

"So, how do I look?"

#九: mourner #txchikaze #☯. kensei #☯: only honest when it rains #[[ im love them ]]

[kazeshinigami]

He isn't very good at buying people gifts, and soul King knows he doesn't show his affection that readily either. But.. today is special. Kensei himself may not be so inclined to celebrate (and shuuhei had been wonderfully respectful of that) but that does not mean that his partner doesn't deserve star treatment on his birthday. The day seems to start like any other. Kensei is out of bed before shuuhei is, and does not wake him, letting the 4th's sleeping aid do its job. He sticks to his regular routine at first; works out and showers. And then makes them breakfast. A bit more elaborate than he usually would, and once he's fixed their bentos for lunch, he brings the rest of the meal over on a tray to the bed. You might almost call it romantic when he kisses shuuhei's cheek, and then, when he doesn't immediately wake, presses another kiss just beneath his ear. "Y'dont wanna have to rush in your birthday, do you?" He warns, slightly bemused. "Time to wake up," a last lingering kiss to shuuheis crown as he slides the tray with food into his lap "--and happy birthday." //We're pretending this is on time hah

Being kissed awake by Kensei has got to score pretty highly on Shuuhei's list of treasured moments. Granted, Shuuhei had not been one hundred percent asleep by the time Kensei had brought the breakfast tray, but he still puts in a good deal of drowsy mumblings before he manages to respond coherently to Kensei's recommendation that he wake up. "Mmkay, I'm up."

Careful not to jostle the tray now on his lap, Shuuhei pushes himself up to a seated posture. Every meal Kensei makes him is tasty, but Shuuhei picks up on the extra work put into making this a celebratory breakfast.

When it comes to Shuuhei, perhaps it really is something to celebrate that he's made it through another year. Shuuhei certainly thinks he wouldn't be doing as well as he is without Kensei's leading and support. He's either beyond lucky, or the universe has finally decided to cut him a break. He smiles and sneaks in a kiss of his own to his beloved captain's cheek.

"Thank you, Kensei-san. For everything." And then he tucks in to his food.

#txchikaze #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #九. asks #九: mourner #[[ we're both pretending this is on time for shuub's 8.14 bday ]]

[kazeshinigami]

"Good.. Good." He mutters against Shuuhei's lips, feeling every bit of tension release from his body. The relief he feels is incomparable to anything he's felt before in his life. Or at least in the moment he cannot fathom ever feeling so good about a decision before. With that release come only a few tears, but roll down his cheeks they do, weighing too heavy on his lashes and escaping their grip. He doesn't even care.

"'m flying blind too." Shuuhei wants his guidance, but he isn't sure he can give it now. Not on this. "We'll figure it out.." Together. He doesn't care about this vulnerability in front of Shuuhei; doesn't care about the unlocked door; or even his family's opinion of him. All he cares about is those three words repeated so often he has to believe them. When was the last time someone had told him that, unironically? Perhaps Rose, in one of his affectionate moods. But that love was vastly different, however much appreciated. Before that... Maybe his mother. He misses her in this moment. She'll never meet Shuuhei. His grandparents had never spoken those words to him. They don't even deserve to know him, though Kensei is sure they will paint him as the villain; the queer seducer that had made him forget and forego his duty. But at least Shuuhei loves all parts of him, even the ones his family thinks are unacceptable. Even if he's hurt him before. That love, at least, is not conditional.

And Kensei realizes that the same goes for how he feels for Shuuhei. And I've never said it either. Like with his grandfather, those words get stuck in his throat. He takes a deep breath and fights against the instinct to keep it all in until he might burst.

He keeps his eyes closed, still. "Me too.." He can't help laughing; the ridiculousness of it all apparent to him. The elation of how terribly off-kilter he is with the Muguruma Kensei he had always been meant to be; yet how happy he is about it. "--I love you, too."

If Shuuhei feels those never-before-witnessed tears slip away from Kensei’s restraint, he doesn’t comment on them. He can only imagine how difficult the prospect of this choice has been. Though Shuuhei has never lived under a roof with a family here in Soul Society, he can at least transpose what it is to crave having a place to belong. Tousen had been that for him. In that sense, Shuuhei has already lost his family. All he has left is… well, Kensei. And though the place to belong is different in kind, Shuuhei knows this is his last bastion against utmost despair.

He doesn’t begrudge Kensei the admittance that he doesn’t have the answers here, either. Part of taking this relationship of theirs seriously is tackling problems together, right? To demonstrate his acceptance of this — of Kensei, in spite of any vulnerability which may be making him feel flayed alive — Shuuhei wraps his arms around this man he loves and kisses his cheek where one tear had made its escape.

It’s about then that Kensei says it. Reciprocation without veil. Shuuhei squeezes the hug more tightly, though that is nothing compared to how the fullness in his heart is fit to burst. He knows that love is not the magic cure to all problems as it is in fairy tales and the like, but still! It gives him evidence to shove in the face of his persistent doubts. Kensei loves him. It’s been said out loud. It’s fact now.

With the gratitude of a man who has just been rescued from drowning, Shuuhei’s voice trembles as he breathes Kensei’s name (the honorific still absent) into his skin, like kissing every inch of him will not be enough.

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #[[ alert the chantry! this needs to be put on the calendar :') ]] #homophobia cw ?

[kazeshinigami]

He hates it. How shaky he feels; how utterly weak and vulnerable. Like his skin has been peeled back, every nerve exposed. Shuuhei need only touch him and he'll flinch. Even just the soft air moving as he speaks can hurt him. Let's pretend it's not the actual content of the words..

He blinks furiously to dispel the burning in his eyes. They keep stinging, but he manages to keep the tears from overflowing. Shuuhei's hand is warm and weighted against the back of his neck. kensei focuses on that. His presence is always good. A solid, dependable thing. He doesn't want him to leave; not his division, certainly, but also not as his partner. 'There are others that carry the Kuchiki blood' he remembers Kuchiki Byakuya saying. There are others that carry Muguruma blood, too. It doesn't have to be him.

It isn't fair. Shuuhei is right. Ah.. And now he cries. Kensei uses his free hand to cup Shuuhei's cheek and wipe the tears away across the copy of his own tattoo. He hears him. Really listens to him for once. He cannot fathom how, even now, Shuuhei is always putting him first and talking over his own needs. Though, Kensei notes, with a swell of pride, he's at least spoken of his own desires and conditions. Shuuhei seems.. Braver now. Maybe because he changed, maybe because they both did over the course of this.. But its good. It means Kensei is sure, at least, that if he gives up what he's always known, Shuuhei will be there. Wants to be there. He won't end up with nothing in the end, because Shuuhei loves him.

"I don't want to marry someone else." He breathes, not needing to speak much above a whisper with how close they have gotten to one another. Not close enough, he thinks, and shifts his grip on Shuuhei's wrist to his other, wet cheek, making sure he is seeing him as he speaks. "I want you." He reiterates. "They can take it or leave it." His family, that is. They may disown him, and that, admittedly, scares him. To delve into a dark unknown. But if Shuuhei is there.. If the visored are.. Then it may not be so bad.

It feels like there is a tremor in his body, but it's imperceptible. Beneath the skin. A bubbling of blood, or reiatsu. Whatever it is, it propels him forward, pushes him to capture Shuuhei's lips with his own. "Don't leave," he mutters breathlessly against Shuuhei's lips as they break apart. He doesn't open his eyes just yet, for fear the built up moisture spills off his lashes. His forehead brushes side to side against Shuuhei's as he softly shakes his head "We'll be together. I promise.."

Shuuhei’s eyes vacillate between each of Kensei’s as the distance between them shrinks. Kensei’s hands are weathered, and the callouses catch momentarily on the ridges of Shuuhei’s scars when intercepting his tear, but that rough texture has become so familiar — that touch so much a symbol of safety — that Shuuhei thinks only of the gentleness with which Kensei cradles his face.

When Kensei bolsters his position with repetition, Shuuhei’s breath quavers. He’s wanted. (He’s loved.) He nods in agreement, his voice too clammed up with emotion at that moment to express much. He sees Kensei’s kiss coming and welcomes it, his hand at the back of Kensei’s head pulling him in even.

“I won’t leave,” he consoles. This close, their noses are pressed against each other, and yet Shuuhei yearns to be closer still. “I’m… terrified, but… I’ll stay.” A quick kiss to Kensei’s upper lip. “I love you. So I’ll stay.” The same to the lower lip. “At this point, losing you would kill me. So I’ll stay. I’ll… keep trying, best as I can. Because I love you.”

Now that he’s gone and said it once, and that once has been accepted, he doesn’t have the self-restraint to keep from saying it more. “I love you, Kensei. I still don’t know what to do, but… I’ll follow your lead.”

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

"Shuuhei-- They must speak. He'd rather not, but there is no going around it, and Shuuhei's mood, since the news broke, is plenty an indicator that Kensei cannot get by on simply pretending this issue did not exist. What was more... There are external forces at work that would tear them apart, even if they do not know of them. His family is convinced he is in need of a wife, and is looking fervently.

"In here," He indicates an empty briefingroom. There is no time to wait on this conversation, so they might as well have it here. He locks the door behind them. "I assume you've heard about Kuchiki-taichou and Abarai-fukutaichou."

The moment he’s dreaded has come at last. He doesn’t resist Kensei’s herding him into a side room so that they can speak in urgent private. Already Shuuhei feels his throat closing up with anxious resignation. So much so that he has to swallow twice before he can manage a response to Kensei’s correct assumption.

“I have heard.” He makes no attempt to say more, waiting for Kensei to set the tone of how he should express (or not) his feelings on the matter.

#九. asks #九: mourner #txchikaze #☯: only honest when it rains #[[ insert haha i'm in danger meme ]] #☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

@txchikaze replied to your post:

Agrees but doesn't want to say so in public

Well, for Kensei to think so… Shuuhei thinks he can accept that. After all, Kensei even knows the ugly parts of him, so to think him handsome anyway… yeah, that’s kind of nice.

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #[[ soft :') ]]

[kazeshinigami]

► "C'mere." With the command he pats his lap invitingly.

send ► and a command that my muse must obey

An easy order to follow, all things considered. Shuuhei approaches and slides down onto the proffered lap, bracing his weight on Kensei's shoulders as he settles there.

"Is there something I can do for you, taichou?" he asks, invoking Kensei's title with the kind of teasing tone that only comes out in privacy between them.

#九. asks #☯. kensei #txchikaze #☯: only honest when it rains #九: mourner #九. paperwork

[kazeshinigami]

--- There's a tension between his shoulderblades as Shuuhei takes the box from him. Kensei is not in the habit of gifting material things, and he.. Can't really read people's reactions to them very well. He'll have to trust Shuuhei's verbal judgement. Hence, the hedging that occurs as he watches him open it. It has Rose's stamp of approval, but still.. Rose can only go off of what Kensei tells him, and how can Kensei be sure that he is picking up on the right cues?

A rush of relief washes over him when Shuuhei smiles and immediately goes to try the accessory on. It doesn't look out of place on Shuuhei's neck at all. Kensei's eyes watch the ring dangle softly, until it comes to lay dormant against the dip in his partner's clavicle. He hums. "It looks good. You look good." He says, happy he can rely on simple honesty here. His lip curls slightly, contentment warming him from the inside. He did good.

Of course, the thing has an intended purpose, too. He reaches out, first simply running his fingers across the shining metal. It's made of sturdy stuff, he knows that much. When his palm lies flat against Shuuhei's chest he can feel his heart beat beneath it. His fingers curl inward, through that ring, and he drags it towards himself, watching it tighten around Shuuhei's throat until the metal digs in. Shuuhei can stay where he is, and suffer those consequences, or he can relent and take a step closer.

Kensei's smile grows a little. "I kinda love it, too.."

continued from here

He's glad to hear that Kensei is as satisfied with the effect of the collar as he himself is. That curl of Kensei's lip gives him enough of a hint of what comes next that he isn't overly surprised when Kensei touches him. The friction of calloused fingers tingles on his skin by itself, but watching Kensei hook around the ring and test it out gives Shuuhei more visible shivers.

His breath catches in his chest on instinct, even though the tightness of the collar is not enough to cut off his air. It's exciting, that Kensei was interested enough in exercising this (control and ownership, though Shuuhei is cautious to voice those descriptions aloud, in case Kensei might take it the wrong way, like he's taking something from Shuuhei, even though all Shuuhei wants is to give him everything) for this gift to prompt purchase.

Kensei says he loves it, and Shuuhei warms under the approval. It still amazes him sometimes that he has. That Kensei really, truly wants him. Does Kensei know how that love is as good as the air in his lungs?

Since Kensei is pulling him in, Shuuhei eventually heeds the tug (after enjoying the constriction for a number of seconds). He kisses that curl of Kensei's lip and nuzzles against his cheek. "I'm glad. Thank you for the gift."

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

“ you make me feel safe. like i’m allowed to be anything i want. ”

misc prompts for your feels

It isn't a comment Shuuhei would have expected. Usually, Shuuhei is the one expressing how Kensei makes him feel safe. In full honesty, Shuuhei had never considered the reversal. After all, when has Shuuhei ever actually succeeded in keeping the people he loves safe when it matters? His track record is pitiable, laughable even. And because of that, Kensei's words… scare him a little. Some herald of doom that, someday, Shuuhei is going to fail again, and Kensei will be the cost.

But he gives himself the moment to assess the phrase in its context. Kensei is most likely talking about emotional safety. Shuuhei knows it can't have been easy for Kensei to say something like this. Downplaying or dismissing it with excuses would only injure Kensei and take them several steps backward in their journey of opening up their hearts to each other. So, firstly, he takes Kensei's closer hand in his and squeezes it with what he hopes is reassurance.

"I'm glad you can feel that kind of freedom when you're with me." He'd like to think he's already seen Kensei at his worst, but… there is the hollow in the room, all too literally. Will they ever talk about what it's like for Kensei as a visored? About what, if anything, Shuuhei can do to support him?

He leans close until their temples touch. "Be anything you want to be. I'll love that part of you, too." And he kisses Kensei's cheek to make his point.

#九: mourner #九. asks #txchikaze #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #[[ kensei admitting something soft and precious but this boy has to have an angst sidebar OTL ]] #[[ but he got to a sappy spot in the end so ig it's okay ]]

[kazeshinigami]

@txchikaze replied to your post:

no

oh, i guess i might be disqualified from the category now, true…

#txchikaze #[[ kensei's hackles went up i see hehe ]] #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #九: mourner

[kazeshinigami]

The leg not pressed against Shuuhei's is moving slightly from side to side. A nervous gesture that, had it not been Shuuhei and him by themselves right now, Kensei would have suppressed. But, he thinks, maybe it is okay if Shuuhei knows that he is struggling. If they are to be a team, in a sense separate from their official duties, then.. Letting him in is step one. And Kensei knows he has tried and failed at this probably half a dozen times by now, but.. That does not mean he should stop trying.

He nods slowly, folding his papers into a folder without actually having read the last paragraph. "Me too.." He admits. It'd been strange.. His quarters empty again, even if pieces of Shuuhei had still been left behind here and there. Despite his love of quiet, and alone-time.. It'd felt wrong. "Missed you," he clarifies, because else it might be misconstrued as his caring only about how the news breaks. "'m sorry I've been--" he gestures with a hand as though he could force the correct word out, grappling for it. He fails. He finally does look at Shuuhei, then. "I'm stalling.. It's not fair to you." He knows this, and yet..

He swallows thickly. "I--" Everything in his gut wants to prevent him from making the confession "It's a big change.. I suppose I'm anxious about.. What it'll mean." His family's judgement, making his sexuality public, the changes in dynamics that might come about.. There's too many unknowns. It has utterly derailed him. It feels wrong to have admitted it aloud, and regret seeps in almost immediately, forcing his gaze away. But, rationally, he knows it was the right choice. Shuuhei deserves the explanation for his incredible patience.

Shuuhei notes the movement on the periphery in silence. Kensei is certainly as much entitled to nervous ticks as the next man, right? Shuuhei won’t add to his existing stress by pointing it out. His gaze travels over Kensei’s hands, which also seem easier to busy themselves, as he listens. He’s glad he isn’t alone in having missed their time together. All the more reason to offer Kensei a gentle smile when their eyes finally meet.

His impulse is to excuse it all — to claim there’s nothing wrong with what Kensei’s done, that Shuuhei doesn’t mind adjusting on the fly where Kensei is concerned — and yet… perhaps that would be his own step backward. The desperation to please Kensei no matter the cost to himself.

Once Kensei seems to have said his piece for the moment, Shuuhei reaches for one of his hands and intertwines their fingers. “It is a big change,” he agrees. “Worrying about it is natural, I think. The unknown is often frightening.” He considers how to address Kensei’s admission about stalling. He appreciates that Kensei has realized that this isn’t fair to him — in times past, he would have been expected to suck up the unfairness unchallenged.

“I wonder if there’s any way to… practice, with someone you would trust to keep it secret? Like Rose-oji or Hirako-taichou, for example? Maybe… Maybe knowing that they have your back might make the unknowns a little less frightening?”

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

He knows things have been.. Weird between them. It's made it so that the physical side of their relationship is stalled as well. It's his fault, Kensei knows that, too.. But he's stressed, or anxious, he supposes, but he doesn't like that word.

Shuuhei, in contrast, has been incredibly patient. He'd not complained once. Kensei cannot quite tell if that is a good thing or not. It'd be okay if Shuuhei got a little antsy, considering. Confessions given or not; promises made.. Fact remained Kensei had not in fact made a move to fulfill it yet. He wants to, it's just.. He's... scared. He loathes to even admit it to himself.

They are sitting side by side, after hours. The only ones left in the office, as so often. He moves his leg, nudging his lieutenant with his knee. He doesn't lift his eyes off his papers. "You want to stay over?"

He’s been trying so hard to rise to the level of maturity which the occasion demands. If he’s reduced to a stammering ball of terror even before the dam of rumors has broken, then he’ll be little good to Kensei moving forward. He has to be stronger than his old self — has to be better than that. Being naturally long-suffering does help, but… what he’s putting himself through at the moment might tip more toward numbness in the name of self-defense.

So perhaps he hasn’t noticed it as strongly as he otherwise would have: the lull in how intimate (or not, more accurately) they have been as of late. It isn’t that he hasn’t missed it — he’s just convinced himself unconsciously that now is not the time. But perhaps he’s protecting himself a little too much. If they’re going to stick this out together, he has to protect Kensei, too. Has to be there for Kensei. Cleave to him. And Shuuhei does want to do so.

All of this in mind, he is able to reply without much delay. “I would like that.” A beat. “I can’t quite recall when I stopped staying over — I suppose I must have been scared of getting caught, around the time that the news came out,” about Renji and Byakuya Kuchiki. Even if Kensei isn’t looking, Shuuhei tries for a smile. “I’ll still be careful, of course — I want what news about us emerges to be on your terms, as much as possible — but… I’ve missed you.”

#txchikaze #九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei

[kazeshinigami]

Of late, he wants to just.. hold on to Shuuhei. They are in bed, Kensei's arms looped around Shuuhei's skinny waist, holding on tight. He's laid his head to rest against his back, between his shoulderblades. He can hear every minute change in Shuuhei's heartbeat. He settles his cheek more solidly against his lover's back, closing his eyes. He's never had this before. The calm; the warmth; the sense of peace despite knowing what hung over them. He doesn't want it to end.

Eventually, though, his mind wanders, and he can't help but find it wandering along the timeline of their togetherness. Fleetingly, of course, it revisits their first meeting. He cannot stop the wave of guilt that washes over him. Perhaps it is only because they are now together like this, but..

"Shuuhei..." Maybe he is asleep. But when the other stirs some, he continues "I'm sorry I didn't come back for you.." Knowing Shuuhei, he'll brush it off, deny his guilt, forgive him like that.. Kensei just has to let him know regardless. He knows better now. Even if you can't save everyone.

Even with medication, he tends to sleep lightly. Kensei’s voice rouses him without much effort. Though he doesn’t shift around much as he wakes, he gives a hum to indicate that he’s listening.

He doesn’t know what he was expecting to hear… but it wasn’t that. He does feel the pinprick temptation of tears, but blinks rapidly to dispel it. He doesn’t want to sour Kensei’s quiet admission by crying.

In the dark, he reaches for Kensei’s hand, wrapped around him so protectively, and squeezes it. In this moment, at least, it feels as though nothing will be able to take him away from this man he loves. A pleasant little fantasy, however fleeting.

“…Thank you.” Because, even though what happened to Shuuhei had never been Kensei’s fault, there had been moments, when Shuuhei’s imaginings of rescue had led only to despair, that he had blamed the shinigami captain with the numbers on his chest, for having saved Shuuhei back then only to have ended up in the grip of a fate far crueler. The unreasonable logic of a child with nowhere else to turn, and yet… something, perhaps a part of his soul close to where the bitter and vengeful Kazeshini resides, finds comfort in Kensei’s words now.

“You came back this time,” Shuuhei continues. “You came back for me in the end.” He honestly doesn’t know what he would have done if Kensei hadn’t reclaimed his seat as captain. Probably overworked himself into an early grave. He looks over his shoulder at Kensei, even if the room is too dark for them to make clear eye contact. “You’re here now.”

#九: mourner #txchikaze #☯: only honest when it rains #☯. kensei #[[ guess what i finally replied to blue :')))) TIMING ]]

[kazeshinigami]

--- "I don't give a fuck about the goddamn secret!" It comes on so suddenly, as it so often does. A wave of such indominable emotion that he fails to keep it in. Even if he tells it now.. If his family knew about them. It wouldn't change a thing. He'd still be expected to marry. Except he'd marry in disgrace. His family would lose all respect for him, as they'd done the Kuchiki heir. But it seems suddenly.. inconsequential..

Perhaps Rose had a point. His real family didn't care whom he loved.

Loved. Yes. Because he loves him, too. He knows this. Has known it for a while now, without wanting to dwell on it; sit with it in discomfort despite the happiness it brings. Because of exactly this. This goddamn funnel they're in. Only one destination to fall into..

Brown eyes stare with a piercing force at Shuuhei as he begs him to let him go. Kensei's feet propel him forward before he has well and truly thought about it. A pure reflex to Shuuhei's inching towards the door, like pouncing on prey that has been still for a while, but seeks to escape, finally. He captures Shuuhei's wrist, holding tighter than perhaps necessary, as though he expects him to fight him.

"Don't say something like that and then run away." He can feel his heart pounding hard in his chest. Why can he never get this right? He never has the words, or the timing.. He wants to beg him to stay, but how unfair is that? To demand such devotion when he cannot give anything back..

"It's not you," he says softly. Shuuhei has never hurt him. Not intentionally. This pain is home-made. "It's me. I'm hurting you. I'm--" A fucking coward. Less forthright than Kuchiki fucking Byakuya. He grinds his teeth together. The injustice of it all gets to him; pinpricks behind his eyes. Such a thing has become so foreign a sensation to him, it hasn't happened in centuries.

Through gritted teeth and tight throat he manages "I want you."

Kensei’s sharp bark of a shout startles him, propelling him back another half-step away. Past the noise itself, the content takes time to process, until Shuuhei can’t help but stare, dumbfounded. The secrecy of their relationship had seemed so monumental, so foundational. A non-negotiable. And yet now… He would laugh if he didn’t feel closer to crying. What cruel irony Kensei’s newfound perspective has brought. And yet, Shuuhei is happy to hear those words, before the end. To weigh more than Kensei’s reputation, if only for a moment.

Like a kitten grabbed by the scruff, Shuuhei goes limp in Kensei’s sudden tight grip on his wrist. He’s never been a match for Kensei in physical strength, and besides that… Besides that, Shuuhei is secretly, selfishly glad that Kensei has grabbed him. Stopped him. And after Shuuhei had said something so foolish, too… This is about as close as he can get to Kensei’s reciprocation. Accepting his ungainly love by refusing to let him go. Though Shuuhei has no idea how there can be any happy end for them here, he meets Kensei’s eyes on a faint hope that he might find something in them. But what he finds is…

Kensei… Kensei is… There is a sheen to his eyes that Shuuhei has never seen there before. It makes Shuuhei want to pull Kensei’s face to his chest and cradle him there. Before he can chastise himself, his free hand has come up to cup the back of Kensei’s head, as if to follow that impulse.

“This isn’t fair,” and his voice is showing its cracks now. “I… I don’t want to run away. I don’t want to leave you. I want… to be with you.” A shaky breath brings the first of inevitable tears. Is it all right this time, if he can at least cry for both of them? “But I’ll bring you so much trouble — even more than I already have. I’m so afraid that I’ll only make you miserable in the end. That you’ll hate me.” Another tear down the other cheek, the scarred one. “But if you really want me—” and he fills want with the same weight as love “—then I… I won’t disappear. I’ll s… stay. But… Kensei… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” The real sobs are coming now. “I can’t watch you marry someone else. I c-can’t! But I can’t ask you to go against everything your family wants either! It… It just isn’t fair… least of all to you.”

#九: mourner #☯: only honest when it rains #txchikaze #☯. kensei