#’why don’t bi lesbians call themselves bisexual’ they very notably do my guy

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey Maddie, I know maybe you can't help me with this, but I don't like very much that I feel more attracted to guys than girls. And I don't know if that's bc I don't have the best history with men, but I've heard that most bisexual women end up with men, and I feel like that will be my case? I know it's probably bc of heteronormativity but, how do you even go on finding other women to meet? (Sorry if it's an obvious question, I'm new to this) thanks Maddie.

Hello,

I’ve also heard this before that bi women are more often dating men than women. However, I don’t know if that really reflects the truth. I don’t know which study had claimed to have proven that and how they got their data. So I’m taking that information with a grain of salt. Bisexual people are so invisible in our society that I think there might be a lot who are getting classified as lesbians or straight women despite actually being on the multi-spectrum.

But let’s assume that it is true that bi women are more likely to date men then the explanation is relatively simple. You already brought up heteronormativity - that is definitly one important aspect. Some women just don’t live in a place or culture where dating a woman or non-binary person is an option because being openly queer puts them in danger. Or they have internalised biphobia that prevents them from embracing their attraction to multiple genders so they stick with only dating men. There is also biphobia from within the LGBTQIA+ community that many bi women (and other bi people) find alienating and is causing them to just not engage with the queer community at all, so there is less chance of meeting queer women they could potentially be interested in dating. And then at the end of the day there’s also the simple mathematical aspect that there are more men who are attracted to women than there are women attracted to women. So the pool of potential partners is bigger on one side.

Now, about your problem..... I find it notable that you say you do not like that you prefer men and that you don’t want to “end up with one”. I don’t want to discredit your bisexual identity and I hope you don’t take it that way but I’d feel like I was omitting something if I didn’t bring up the possibility that you might not actually be attracted to men. Looking at the future and thinking “I hope I’m not one of those bi women who end up with a man” doesn’t really sound like you’re all too comfortable with your feelings towards men. Have you thought about that possibility? Maybe you have and if you’re certain that you really like men and that the issue lies elsewhere then end of discussion! I believe you and won’t argue with that. But if you’re not really sure or find yourself re-questioning that a lot then I think you should know that this could be a sign of being a lesbian. Doesn’t have to. But could. 

But there are other explanations as well that don’t end in “might actually be a lesbian”. So assuming you are really attracted to men then, as you already said, your past negative experiences with men could explain why you are hesitant about dating men again. It may take some time (or maybe even help from a therapist) to work through those bad memories and to learn how to trust men again and be comfortable with your attraction to them.

Then there is also that nasty motherfucker called internalised biphobia. Many bi women feel like they aren’t allowed to identify as bi anymore if they date a man. They are afraid of “not being queer enough” and biphobes make us feel like we have to hate men and hate ourselves for being attracted to men if we want to be a part of the queer community. Bi women who have internalised that specific type of biphobia (often that is coming from within the LGBTQIA+ community) feel like they have to apologise and repent for their attraction to men and like it makes us second-class queers or “unpure”. If that is the case here with you then I’d recommend you check this post with detailed advice about internalised biphobia and keep reminding yourself that even with a strong preference for men you are 100% bisexual and biphobes can go fuck themselves.

A different (also internalised biphobic) aspect in your personal journey might be that you seem to be inexperienced with women? Are you maybe afraid you will miss out on making that experience? You can still identify as bisexual even without ever having kissed a had sex with a woman, but it’s also understandable that you may want to explore this and for the time being would like to focus on dating women, instead of men. Maybe that could even make your preference shift or even out (or maybe not, just saying: it’s a possibility). Just because you currently prefer men doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way (but it is fine if is always that way!)

How can you meet other queer women? Well, if there’s a queer space in your area, like a cafe or party or resource center with meet-up groups that could be a good start. There’s also online dating (which I’d only recommend if you’re of legal age!) and once you have built a friend circle of queer people over time you might just meet your future girlfriend through that. And generally, if you want to and can safely be more open about being interested in women (through wearing Pride colours for example or playing with some queer stereotypes in your appearance) then the lesboons and m-spec ladies might be able to spot you from afar and come running towards you ;-)

Maddie