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dear--charlie · 7 years

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Dear friend or Charlie or whoever it is who's listening,

i think i’m going insane. I’m sending this letter because I needed to tell my story to someone and I don’t think I’ve got anyone left to listen. I don’t know why I’m sending it here, maybe it comforts me that it can be read by people rather than just left in a word document completely private. Excuse me if I start ranting about love, I’m watching the fault in our stars (which I don’t even like that much) while writing this.

last thursday I wrote a suicide note. Its not the first one I’ve written but it was the first in a long long time. I’d lost a whole lot of hope and I don’t know what happened, one minute I was writing an essay for film and next minute I was typing about wanting to die. Or maybe to just not exist, I want to go to sleep and either never wake up or wake up in someone else’s life.

Thursday was just the start of it. See there’s always been this one person who’s loved me, who I’ve loved, who I’ve always been able to rely on. My best friend. We’re gonna call her Lisa because I don’t want to say her real name for fear of having another mental breakdown and not finishing this or just because, she might follow this I don’t know. Lisa got a boyfriend about a month ago and I’m not saying that’s the cause of the problem but their relationship isn’t going well, yet they keep going. From the outside you would think that’s because they like each other so they want to keep fighting but this boy has no idea what he’s doing and doesn’t seem to care enough either. Then there’s the friends, see I haven’t been doing so well lately and the only times I’ve got to hang out with these people I’ve been quiet because of a bad counselling session or some other bullshit reason. I haven’t really become part of their group but now Lisa spends every second with them and when I talked to her, all she could talk about is how popular “we” are now. The we changed when she decided to avoid inviting me at all cost and started lying to me about who she was around. In fact, she’s with them at this very moment while I’m at home going insane.

There’s no going back now see, she’s changed. She thinks she’s cool which she a) is not and b) would never care about that in the first place before now. She doesn’t see it but she lost me when she put down the phone and avoided talking to me for a weekend because she was “dealing with her own problems” aka hanging out with what used to be our friends. She got sick of me, sick of looking after me, sick of being embarrassed by my shyness, sick of me being sad. I’m done with her being sick of me. Its that simple.

Or I wish it was that simple but it never is, is it? She meant the world to me, I would do anything for her and I know that sounds like a romantic gesture but she was my best friend and she was so fucking important to my existence She knew me better than anyone and every time I hung out with, I was breathless with laughter and I lost that, I lost having that person.

I have people but do I really have them. My friend from when I was 11 is back in my life, she was back in my life because I joined her group of friends but her boyfriend and her best friend (two separate people) left her at the same time my best friend left me so I guess we’re living the same life now. Difference is, she has more people than me but I’m grateful for her. See when my best friend ignored me so she could hang out with her friends, she texted me and checked up on me on multiple occasions and thanking fucking god because otherwise I would have killed myself.

I don’t know why I’m thanking god for that because right now, I wish I was dead but I don’t want the chaos that might lead after. I’m only thinking about my parents when I say that, I’m not sure it would matter to anyone else. People say they would care but they have others, my parents don’t have many people so I can’t disappear on them. But I might because the more I think about it, the more it seems a likely possibility.

I want people, when I have people back I’ll be okay. The perks of being a wallflower is my favourite movie of all time and I’ve watched a hell of a lot of movies, they’re my favourite thing. It taught me a lot of things but one of them is that everything is going to be shit, a lot of the time but as long as you have friends, there will always be some good in the world. I believe in that with every cell in my body, I’ve witnessed it in my own life and in others. So of course, losing friends makes my life feel like its losing direction and yeah, losing hope.

there’s a boy i like, that i won’t get, a dream for the future i have, but i won’t achieve it. i know this to be true, i don’t want to be persuaded otherwise by anyone. they’d be lying. a writer, a director, anything to do with film. That would be amazing, I smile just thinking about it but it won’t happen. this boy, he’s so fucking attractive and everything about him is so insanely beautiful. i could talk about him all day but i don’t want to because i’ll never have him.

anyway, i don’t know what my life is right now, its movies and uncontrollable emotions.

thank you for listening. i’ll be back, i have no one else. i love you, i love him, i love her and so many of them.

goodbye

- jen

#dear charlie #jen

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