#[ phew nnoitra has been through a lot over the years ]

[despairforme]

     And just like that, he was gone. He disappeared out of Nnoitra’s life without a trace. He hadn’t showed up at work for a couple of days. Grimmjow usually worked in the bar at the club where Nnoitra also worked. They hadn’t talked since... Everything had gone down, but at least Nnoitra had been able to keep tabs on him. Make sure he was okay. When several days had passed without him showing up, Nnoitra grew worried. Yeah, they were no longer dating, but that DIDN’T mean that Nnoitra didn’t care about him. Hell - a part of him would always love Grimmjow. He didn’t think it was possible to have loved someone as deeply as he had loved Grimmjow, without those feelings forever lingering. So yeah, he went to the apartment that they had shared, to see if he was home. There had been no lights in the apartment. Nnoitra had asked the neighbors, and they had said that the place was abandoned.

     That’s when Nnoitra knew Grimmjow was gone. He had taken the cats ( he knew he would never leave without them ) and left. Maybe he had left the city? He didn’t know. He had looked for him at the usual places, but no. He had even asked around. NOBODY had seen a one-armed man with blue hair.

     This was the exact same thing that had happened when Kyota had left out of the blue, except that time they had actually still been dating. At least him and Grimmjow were... More or less over. Even if they hadn’t talked about it yet. It FELT different to. When Kyota had left, Nnoitra had felt betrayed. Now? He felt lost. It felt like a part of him was just removed. Like someone had taken one of his vital organs and ripped it out of him. He had chosen, on his own, to break up with Grimmjow, but he hadn’t been prepared to have him completely gone from his life without a warning. It was probably selfish of him to have expected Grimmjow to say goodbye. After all, HE hadn’t said anything to him when he moved out of their shared apartment. They had been drifting apart for so long, it was hard to know when things had just died between them.

     Nnoitra had walked down to the sea, to the ice-cream shop where they had used to go all the time during summer. The beach was the last place he thought to look for Grimmjow, but he wasn’t here either. Nnoitra sat on a bench, sweaty from the walk ( he was, as always, wearing too much clothing for the season ). He had his hands clenched in his lap, trying to overcome the surging feeling of anxiety. Grimmjow was gone. He was gone. Truly GONE. Regret shot up inside him.

     He wished now more than ever to go back. A year, or two. Whenever it was that they had started to drift apart. He wished he could go back to that point and grab Grimmjow. Make sure they stayed together. 

     The promenade was busy. Filled with people in bathing suits, eating ice cream and laughing with each other. Families, friends, lovers. Nnoitra had never felt more lonely than he did in this exact moment. Like he was a completely different species to everyone else. Like he didn’t understand their language, and they didn’t understand his. He missed Grimmjow so much it hurt. He dug his fingertips into the palm of his hand, to feel something physical instead of this flood of unwelcome emotions. He regretted everything. Everything he had ever done to push Grimmjow away. To not be good enough for him.

     His black pants and black t-shirt were painfully warm in the scorching sun, but he just sat there. He had no energy for anything. He hardly had the energy to breathe. He didn’t want to be alone. Didn’t want to be without Grimmjow. COULDN’T be without him. How was he supposed to live without him?

     ❝ I don’t want this. ❞ His voice was low, only for him to hear. ❝ I don’t want this--- ❞ A little louder, and a heavy inhale following. ❝ I don’t fuckin’ want this! ❞ He raised his voice and the people who passed by the bench gave him curious looks. Nnoitra buried his face in his hands, before raking his fingers through his hair so firmly he ended up tugging it hard. FUCK. He didn’t want this. Didn’t want this. Didn’t want this. Didn’t want this! 

#[ lexie deleted their grimmjow blog so ] #[ nnoitra is v heartbroken :( ] #[ this is not the first time his ship partner deletes ] #[ and i mean they HAD more or less broken up but yEAH ] #[ it him him hard ;-; ] #[ so i had to write something about it ] #[ phew nnoitra has been through a lot over the years ] #[ now he's gone through yet another break-up / ship ending ] #[ rip rip ] #despair for me. ╱ in character. #burn the city. ╱ main verse.