#<- sorry abba fans im making it annoying

[yuikomoriemo]

So I'm making a headcanon list-

Pls don't judge

DIABOLIK LOVERS HEADCANONS (MORE WILL BE ADDED)

Since ayato plays basketball as a hobby reiji always scolds him to go for a shower-

Kanato has tea parties with his wax figures,teddy and sometimes forces ayato and laito to be there and dress them up.

Subarus called the police once on reiji(for being irritating)and actually got him arrested- boy- grounded a week-

Ayato likes playing with yuis hair but won't admit it.

Kou has once been accused of homophobia and Queerbaiting but- he retaliated by kissing subaru infront of his possible fans.

Subaru only plays roblox to bully brats offline

Reiji had NO CLUE how to use a Samsung,iPhone,galaxy, NONE AND IT TOOK SHU AND SUBARU MONTHS TO TEACH HIM/ they regretted it because REIJI....HAS A FACEBOOK PAGE

(reijis posts would be about his interest in chemistry which is adorable BUT....HE POSTS CRINGY PHOTOS OF HIMSELF AND ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION POST HIM PRANKING SHU-)

Yui always makes cookies for the family but as for kanato and ayato.....STALE COOKIES

Cordelia loves watching RuPauls drag race

I think laito is secretly a tik tok sensation

Kanato expects reiji to cook him chocolate cake and sometimes yuma BUT THAT RESULTS IN KANATO CRYING IN A CORNER

The only social media subaru has (apart from MYSPACE) IS TWITTER

Kou sometimes feeds on his fans during concerts for effect (such as his song DEVILS SPIRE)

Shu plays minecraft with yui

Ruki is secretly reading Fifty Shades Of Grey-

Azusa does things to annoy his brothers on purpose so that he'd get hit-

Beatrix always made shu do the little lad dance if he wanted to go out.

Cordelia made kanato do the little lad dance if he wanted candy-

Whenever reiji goes shopping he MUST take kanato even though kanato always wants something but never ever gets it and throws a tantrum.

Karl heinz listens to abba-

Subaru and yuma are hardcore Marliyn manson fans-

Come on- Laitos been to a gay bar at least more than twice lol

Reiji goes to AA meetings (he's a wine/vodka mom-)

Yui had a goth phase at one point and hates to admit it.

Azusa likes to sing when he's alone (The masochism tango-)

Kanatos favourite music artist is Melianie Martenz

Ayato will NEVER ADMIT IT BUT....he had a Justin Bieber phase

Reiji watches full house

Kou and laitos favourite show is Desperate Housewives (laitos reason- let's just say the letters M i l and f) (kous reason- DRAMA)

Subaru made yui watch Moral Orel (ITS A GOOD SHOW BUT- VERY...VERY...DARK)

Yui once asked kanato to wear a dress she bought just out of curiosity

Ayato makes homophobic jokes- (I like dark humour bit that guy would take it to far-))

Subaru paints his nails black

Kanato 100% has BPD

I think yui attempted to murder the sakamakis once in her life-

Kou makes his brothers practice his dances for an upcoming concert.

Yui is a cat person (as in she prefers cats as pets)

Some related to my lgbtq headcanons reiji would've been 100% homophobic in the past

Karlheinz has an onlyfans- (IM SORRY-)

Kanato forces ayato to dress up

Yumas "sugar cubes" are actually just weed mixed with sugar-

Reiji always does the triplets homework assignments

Ayato has tried numerous occasions to make takoyaki for yui since she always makes it.

Azusas music taste is heavy metal-

Laito loves rose bubble baths

Every weekend reiji makes the triplets go out and takes their phones to snoop but immediately gives them back SCARED OF THE THINGS HE SAW (subaru and shu pay their own phone bill- maybe the triplets should do the same-)

Laito loves McDonald's chicken nuggets

Reiji laughs at the idea of gentle parenting (CLAY PUPPINGTON I TELL YA-)

If cordelia was alive she'd totally be the heartthrob on vogue magazine-

When christa is in a good state of mind subaru takes her out to a cafe just to chat.

Reiji always says fiction is rubbish BUT THE NEXT MINUTE HES WATCHING HOWLS MOVING CASTLE WITH YUI-

Beatrix used to make reiji read silly books despite his intellect such of "history of walnuts"

Cordelia whenever she wasn't a heartless bitch to her kids she'd read them bedtime stories from brothers grimm-

If reiji was a dad he'd TRY HIS BEST TO TREAT THEM BOTH THE SAME-

Subaru likes to bring stray cats in his room if they wander in the mansion (Let's see how long that lasts with clean freak reiji-)

Reiji sometimes ONLY SOMETIMES...covers shu up in a blanket when he's sleeping on the couch

Sakamaki Anime

Shu: Kiss him not me

Reiji: Howls moving castle

Laito: ....HELLSING ULTIMATE for the wrong reasons-

Kanato: Junji Ito collection

Ayato:NARUTO

Subaru: YURI ON ICE

Kou follows Harry styles on insta to get fashion tips of his posts for upcoming concerts-

Yui cut subarus hair one time ...PHHHHHHHH....IT DIDNT GO WELL...

Karl used to make the triplets play jenga for 2 hours straight just to entertain himself with their arguments.

Yuma once gave yui his SUGAR CUBES....she wanted more it felt better than being bitten 4752226775444 times A DAY

OK SO...The wedding night- cordelia totally got drunk on purpose and slapped her bridemaids for staring at Karl and then sobbed when Karl yelled at her-

Laito once bought edible-(stuff I can't say but you can guess-) AND FORGOT ABOUT IT ONE TIME ONLY TO HAVE REIJI SMACK THE SHIT OUT OFF HIM WHEN HE FOUND IT

Ayato and subaru sometimes team up to annoy laito

Ok- this one might be offensive so I apologise in advance, on many occasions reiji would be absolutely pissed after having a jehova witness at the mansion door

Beatrix tried cordelias wine and they both ended up actually getting along for once

@yuma-mukami-garden-god @notdiabolika @diabolikpersonals

#diabolik lovers #anime and manga #kanato sakamaki #kou mukami #yuma mukami #laito sakamaki #diabolik lovers ask blog #diabolik lovers memes #ayato sakamaki #azusa mukami #reiji sakamaki #sakamaki subaru #diabolik lovers headcanons #headcanons

[fairytalelover33]

hi, may i have a match up pls?

perhaps 4? with the MCU, Twilight, and HPU (marauders & golden) i have a male preference.

no rush!

im quite short, around 5’0. im filipino so i have tan skin. i have black hair and dark brown/ black eyes.

im a late nov scorpio with a virgo moon. im an entp. but im an ambivert. i am shy at first then really loud and energetic once I’m comfortable around you. im an overthinker. i overthink 24/7. i often get insecure about my personality and how if im annoying or not. or if people think im dumb or smart. im also a tad bit stubborn.

who am i kidding, im super stubborn. anyways… im a ravenclaw & a horned serpent if ilvermorny. i like movies, writing, photography, people watching, the sound of water, paddle boarding, hozier, mitski, harry styles, one direction, and phoebe bridgers.

my fashion is usually retro/vintage. like 80s? i know a lot of different decades of music btw. love abba and Elton John.

i play soccer and i do showchoir/theatre. i wanna go into the film industry when im older. im a good student at school. lots of adults love me bc i come off as a good kid, ig??? like wholesome like peter Parker. but i really only talk in my theatre class bc im comfortable around everyone in that class. but i can be really loud and energetic, which i would get yelled at for.

im also always friends with people a year older than me. idk why but that’s how it happens, all my bsfs are a year older.

im a dog person :) and i love the colors black, red, forest green, and blue.

hopefully that’s enough info for an accurate match up! sorry, if it was too much! again, no rush. <3

For the MCU, I ship you with: Thor!

•He absolutely loves watching movies with you. He’ll fiddle with your hair, and give you small kisses at random intervals

•Beware, though, he’s a talker during movies. If that annoys you you’ll have to shush him occasionally

•He has a soft spot for your stubbornness. It’s endearing to him how you are so passionate about things, even if they don’t seem important to him

•He will never make you feel bad for being loud or excited. He wants you to feel comfortable around him. He loves you just the way you are, and doesn’t want you to feel that you have to use any filters on your personality

•He first realized that he loved you while you were both paddle boarding one day. You had been introducing him to all sorts of human things you like, so you decided to show him one of your favorite things. It was a warm day, and when he glanced over to see your sweet smile, and the sun glowing in your silhouette, he felt his heart skip a beat. <3

For Twilight, I ship you with: Edward Cullen!

•He loves to hear your takes on different aspects of theater, and is your biggest fan when it comes to you following your dreams

•He will always join you (when welcome) in your people watching endeavors. He also finds the idea that everyone has a different story intriguing. Observing people can be a very enlightening experience

•On a funnier note, I firmly believe that you and Emmett would bombard his mind reading brain with song lyrics, double teaming him as a joke

•He often feels guilty that he can read your mind. He feels like he’s betraying you by even accidentally hearing your thoughts. He’s spent many a day gazing out his window into the distance, desperately trying to find a way to give your mind some privacy.

•Edward understands more than most how damaging overthinking can be to your mental health. He is very good about reassuring you when you need it, and also reminding you that sometimes you can’t change the way people perceive you. He will do whatever he can to show you how loved you are, just by being yourself <3

For the Golden trio era, I ship you with: Fred Weasley!

•Your personalities are very different, but there are enough similarities for this relationship to be comfortable. The differences are what make it exciting

•Fred absolutely loves it when you let your loud side out. It makes him happy to see you so comfortable, and the glow you get in your eyes when you’re happy is the source of his joy

•He will unashamedly belt out any new songs you’ve shown him, he is a big fan of your music taste

•Fred calls you his “beautiful little Ravenclaw.” He adores how the royal blue looks on you

•One night you are awoken by one of your roommates shaking your shoulder with a giggle. “Fred and George have done something again.” She says with a laugh. You both prance lightheartedly through the school until you arrive at the great hall, where great whoops and cheers are echoing against the walls through the open doors. You both enter, and your first sight is Filch fiercely battling a lion shaped firework. It appears Fred and George have set off another indoor midnight fireworks show. You catch Fred’s eye from across the great hall, and he sends you a dazzling smile and beckons you over <3

I’m so sorry this took so long 😭 as of right now I’m only doing three matchups per ask, but send in another one with the Marauders ask and I’ll get to it as soon as I can! Have an amazing day! ❤️

-J

#matchups #hp matchups #Harry Potter matchups #MCU matchups #twilight matchups

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

#EDIT: ok 2 rb if you want!!! #leone abbacchio #im not tagging it otherwise i just want this findable in my own tagging system LOL #all of this is from discord from dming adrian and simon so hi guys if youre reading the tags #i deal with a lot of the issues abbacchio does but i understand that that doesnt mean i didnt use language that might be incorrect #i understand and apologize !! feel free to send an ask but otherwise pls im not trying to start meta discourse over an anime character #i just wanted to get my thoughts out because im tired of seeing representations of him that i just. feel are SO so ugly #esp as someone whos struggled with the issues #caleb.txt #caleb meta hour

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2018

Congratulations dear reader. You survived 2018. And you know what that means. It’s time for another best of/worst of list. Welcome to Quill’s Swill 2018. A giant septic tank for the various shit the entertainment industry produced over the course of the year. The films, games, TV shows and various other media that got on my bad side. As always please bear in mind that this is only my subjective opinion (if you happen to like any of the things on this list, good for you. I’m glad someone did) and that obviously I haven’t seen everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, sorry that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald isn’t on here. I’m sure it is as terrible as some have been suggesting. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay everyone. Grab your breathing masks and put on your rubber gloves. Let’s dive into this shit pile.

Hold The Sunset

The news that John Cleese would be returning to the world of BBC sitcoms was incredibly exciting, being a massive Fawlty Towers fan and all. Unfortunately Hold The Sunset was not quite what I had in mind. It’s one of those rare breed of situation comedies that chooses to offer no actual comedy. It’s not a sitcom. It’s a sit. Like Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory.

An elderly couple plan to elope abroad only for Alison Steadman’s son to barge in, having left his wife, and forcing them to put their plans on hold. Hence the title ‘Hold The Sunset.’ It’s like a cross between As Time Goes By and Sorry, but if all the humour and relatability were surgically removed by a deadpan mortician. The characters are weak, the plots are thin on the ground and the humour (hat little of it there is) feel incredibly dated. The middle aged mummy’s boy is something that hasn’t been funny since the 90s. It’s an utter waste of great talent and what hurts even more is that this tripe is actually getting a second series. I can only assume the people watching this are comatose. Either that or there’s an epidemic of people in Britain who have lost the remote.

Avengers: Infinity War

Yes this is one of the worst movies of 2018 and no I don’t regret saying that one little bit. Avengers: Infinity War was fucking terrible. Period. There were too many plots and characters going on, which made the film hard to follow (and what staggers me is that the so called ‘professional’ critics have condemned movies for having too many characters and plots before. Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice and even Deadpool 2. But because this is an MCU movie, it gets a free pass. Fuck off). The characterisation was weak due to sheer number of characters they try to juggle, resulting in characters coming off as one dimensional caricatures of themselves and scenes where characters such as Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Star-Lord sound completely interchangeable. The villain, Thanos, is a stupidly and poorly written villain, but that’s hardly surprising considering what a shit job Marvel have done building him up over the course of these 20+ movies. And let’s not forget that pisstake ending. A bunch of prominent Marvel characters die and it’s all very, very sad... except all these characters just so happen to have sequels planned, which makes this ending fucking pointless and have less impact than a feather on a bouncy castle.

I don’t know which is more shocking. That Marvel and Disney think their audience are that stupid and gullible, or that their audience are actually validating their view. Fuck you Disney.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery

I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter RPG, where you could customise your character, choose your house and actually live a full school life at Hogwarts. This year, Warner Bros and Jam City gave us just that.

That was a mistake.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with the mobile gaming market right now. The gameplay is boring and involving where you just tap images on a screen until a progress bar fills up. Wizard duels are little more than rock-paper-scissors challenges that require no kind of skill. Bonding with friends and caring for magical creatures just consist of pathetically simple pop quizzes and yet more boring tapping. Oh and of course you only get a certain amount of energy to complete these tedious tasks. If you run out of energy, you wait for it to fill up... or pay up for the privilege. So determined are they to extract your hard earned cash from your wallet, there’s actually a bit where Devil’s Snare strangles your eleven year old avatar and the game effectively tries to guilt trip you into paying micro-transactions to save them. It’s sleazy, gross and manipulative. Honestly, you’re better off just playing Candy Crush.

Agony

When the developers of this game said they wanted to give the player a trip through Hell, they had no idea how true that statement really was. Agony is dreadful on a number of levels. The design for Hell itself, while visually interesting at times, is often not very practical and gets quite dull and repetitive after a while. The stealth mechanics are a joke and the AI of your demonic enemies are pitiful. All of this alone would have been enough to put this game on the list, but then we also have the casual misogyny. Agony is a gorefest trying desperately to shock the player. We see men and woman get tortured, but it’s the women that often get the extreme end. The violence inflicted on them is often sexual in nature and the game seems to go out of its way to degrade and dehumanise women at every turn. The orgasmic cries of ‘pull it out’ quickly become a staple of the game’s experience as we see naked women raped, tortured and murdered, all for the purposes of ‘entertainment.’

I would call Agony sexist, but honestly that would be giving it too much credit. Agony is like a little child trying desperately to be all dark and edgy in a pathetic attempt to impress everyone around him, and we should treat it as such. Go to your room Agony. No ice cream for you.

Peter Rabbit

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Beatrix Potter rotating in her grave.

Yes we have yet another live action/CGI hybrid, but instead of something innocuous like the Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sony instead decides to adapt Peter Rabbit, with James Corden in the title role.

It’s about as bad as you’d expect.

Their attempts to modernise the story are painful to say the least with pop culture references, inappropriate adult humour and twerking rabbits. Plus rather than the gentle, but slightly mischievous character we got in the source material, here Peter is a sociopathic delinquent who seems to revel in making the farmer’s life a living hell. He’s unlikable and unwatchable as far as I’m concerned and the film doesn’t in anyway earn the emotional moments it tries so desperately to sell to the audience. And the worst part is it’s getting a sequel.

Wait. Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Beatrix Potter tearing out of the ground, ready to kill whatever idiot came up with this shit.

Fallout 76

I was excited for Fallout 76. A MMORPG where players band together to rebuild society after a nuclear apocalypse. Could have been great. Pity it wasn’t.

Fallout 76 is a dreadful game. Not only is it a buggy, glitchy mess that requires a constant online connection to play, which could result in you losing hours of progress if your WiFi went down, it’s also unbelievably tedious, and that’s because there’s nothing to do in the game. There’s no other characters to interact with, the various robots and computers you come across are really little more than quest givers, there’s no actual plot so to speak, and because of the sheer size of the world and the number of players allowed on a server, the chances of you actually meeting any actual players is remote. And let’s not forget all the behind the scenes drama. Bethesda falsely advertising Fallout themed canvas bags and players getting shitty nylon ones. Bethesda accidentally releasing the account information of various players trying to get a refund for said bag. Bethesda failing to program the year 2019 into the game code, meaning that the game’s nukes don’t work.

Maybe there’s a chance that Bethesda could pull a No Man’s Sky and fix everything over the coming years with various patches and DLCs, but the damage has already been done. It’s incredibly disappointing. The Elder Scrolls 6 is going to have be fucking incredible to win everyone back.

Mama Mia!: Here We Go Again

I can’t stand jukebox musicals anyway, but Mamma Mia was always one of the worst. Its boring, meandering story with its one note, obnoxious cast of characters screeching out ABBA songs like they’re at some drunken karaoke session at some poor sod’s hen party has always grated on my nerves. So imagine my delight when they announced we were getting a sequel. Ever wondered how Meryl Streep met her three lovers and founded her hotel? No? Well tough shit, we’re going to tell you anyway.

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again is basically just Mamma Mia again. The actors still can’t sing, the characters are still annoying and story is still boring and meandering, completely at the mercy of the chosen songs rather than the filmmakers using the songs to compliment the story (you know? Like proper musicals do?).

How can I resist you? Very easily as it turns out. Gimme, gimme, gimme a fucking gun so I can end my misery.

The Cloverfield Paradox

A lot of people were unhappy about the direction Cloverfield was going. They wanted a continuation of the found footage, kaiju movie from 2008, not an anthology series. I was personally all in favour. Partially because I thought the first Cloverfield was a tad overrated, but mostly because I thought it would be a great opportunity for more experimental film projects and could be a great launchpad for new writers and filmmakers. 10 Cloverfield Lane was a great start. Then The Cloverfield Paradox happened.

The Cloverfield Paradox is basically JJ Abrams trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maintaining the anthology format whilst connecting everything together in a ‘shared universe’ (yes, yet another shared universe). The result was a cliched, poorly edited and idiotic mess of a film that actually took away from the previous two films rather than added to them. Everyone hated it and, as a result, 2018′s Overlord, which was totes going to be part of the Cloververse, was made its own standalone film and Abrams double pinky promised to make a true sequel to the original Cloverfield. A complete and total disaster. No wonder it was a straight-to-Netflix film.

The Handmaid’s Tale - Season 2

This is probably going to be the most controversial entry on the list, but please hear me out because I’m not the only one who has a problem with this season.

I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale simply because of how gruesome the original book was, but I forced myself to watch the first season and I thought it was pretty good. It remained faithful to the source material for the most part and included some nice additions that helped to expand the story and mythos. If it was just a one off mini-series, everything would have been fine. But then they made the same mistake as The Man In The High Castle and Under The Dome did where they commissioned another season and attempted to tell a story that goes beyond the book.

There’s a reason why the original story ended where it did. The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t meant to be an empowering story about women sticking it to the patriarchy. It’s a cautionary tale about how fragile our civil rights truly are and how easily they can be taken away from us. It’s designed to shock, not to satisfy. So seeing a handmaid blow herself up in a suicide bombing feels very incongruous and just a little bit silly. It would be like doing a TV adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984 where the first season followed the source material and then the second season turned Winston Smith into this heroic freedom fighter trying to overthrow Big Brother. It would represent a fundamental misunderstanding of what the book was about in the first place.

And then of course there’s the increased level of violence in Season 2, which many have complained about. In Season 1 and the original source material, the violence was justified. In Season 2, the motivation behind the violence has gone from ‘how can we effectively demonstrate how easily a fascist patriarchy can happen in the West?’ to ‘what brutal act can we inflict upon Ofglen to shock the audience this week?’ It’s purely for shock and nothing more. And with the showrunner (who I feel I should mention is a man) announcing that he has planned ten seasons of this, it seems that The Handmaid’s Tale is going to go even further with this depravity until it effectively becomes the equivalent of a Saw film.

The Handmaid’s Tale exists as a way of shining light on and critiquing misogyny in its most extreme form. Season 2 however demonstrates that there is a serious risk of it becoming the very thing it’s criticising in the first place.

The Predator

I love the Predator franchise, but The Predator is the worst.

People thought that this would be good because director Shane Black had actually starred in the first Predator movie back in 1987. Instead we got this bloated, confusing, obnoxious and insulting mess of a film that seems to go out of its way to ruin everything that makes Predator so good. There’s no tension. No suspense. No intrigue. Just a bunch of gore, explosions and shitty one liners from annoying and lifeless characters. They essentially took this big alien game hunter from outer space and turned him into a generic monster from a bad summer blockbuster. It no longer hunts for sport. It wants to take over the world and splice our DNA with theirs. But don’t worry, a rogue Predator doesn’t want to kill humans (even though he himself kills a bunch of humans), so he gives us a Predator Iron Man suit to set up a sequel that will probably never happen because this movie was a box office bomb and it fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD!!!

This film also has a very nasty streak towards those with disabilities. There’s a lot of jokes at the expense of a character with Tourette’s and it has an extremely ignorant and patronising view of autism, portraying the main character’s kid as being a super genius who can decipher the Predator language and even going so far as to say that he represents ‘the next stage of human evolution.’ Presumably the Predators want social communication difficulties because apparently it helps them hunt somehow.

What with Disney acquiring 20th Century Fox, the future of both the Alien and Predator franchises were very much in question. This film needed to be a success in order to make a case for Disney to keep making more of them. It wasn’t. Congratulations Shane Black. You might have just killed off this franchise for good. Thanks arsehole! :D

So those were my least favourite stories from 2018. Join me on Wednesday where we shall discuss something more positive. Yes, it’s awards season. Who shall win the coveted Quill Seal Of Approval? Watch this space...

Or don’t. It’s up to you. I don’t want to force you or anything. It’s a free country.

#quill's swill #quill's swill 2018 #worst of the year #review #opinion