somber-sayings

[somber-sayings]

i wanted to try touching him last night. wanted to try pleasing him, fulfilling his needs. but the social events of the evening had rendered me exhausted, sick in the gut, and with a thundering static in the head by the time we made it back to our room. i wanted nothing more than to sleep, to let tomorrow take me. but he groped and teased my body, fingers carving pathways into my breasts and in-between my legs. I felt nothing. he was expecting me to feel something and i just couldn't. i told him so. told him how sorry i was. he said to me; he was frustrated. disappointed. but it wasn't my fault.

it felt like it was my fault when he left me alone in the bed to sleep elsewhere. i laid there and wept, silently. he spoke to me from across the room while i ached for his closeness, his comfort. i cannot be what he wants. not now. perhaps not ever. and he deserves so much more than the meager scraps of pleasure i am able to provide, doesn't he? he deserves more than this broken woman that he has bound himself to.

and by the time he finally returned to the bed to hold me to his chest, i begged to every god in the universe that he would feel the wetness on my face. that a single droplet of my grief would make contact and help him understand.

my tears never touched his skin.

[somber-sayings]

tired. so tired.

a circle of people, screaming in my ears from all directions. too many demands. too many complaints. too many problems that i cannot fix.

i am so tired.

so much noise. so much chaos. when will my world be silent, again? i want it to be slient, again.

[somber-sayings]

i had a man's mouth on me for the first time today. had his fingers and tongue inside me. i feel like I've lost something, to some extent. i feel like the fiery, vicious thing inside of me just had a bucket of cold water thrown on it. and that frightens me, because i don't know how to live without that fiery, vicious thing. she drives me. she fuels me. breathes life into me when i feel that i am dead, or close to it. having a man take me...having him touch me, having him know me? it felt like killing her. it felt like i was killing her. and i don't know why. i don't know why. i don't know why.

#isn't this supposed to feel good

[somber-sayings]

your kisses do not excite me-

-aren't they supposed to?

your hands on my body make me feel caged, trapped, a sculptor raking his hands through wet clay-

-isn't it supposed to feel safe, feel like home?

your breath mingles with mine, hot in my face, rancid-

-all the fairytales said it was supposed to taste sweet

and when you say you love me, I believe it. i do. but when i say it back, the lie burns like a hot iron in my throat-

-aren't i supposed to feel those words with my whole soul? what is this supposed to be, if not love?

[somber-sayings]

i miss everything i was before

[somber-sayings]

i have to love him.

it will kill him if i don't.

[somber-sayings]

i think of all the ways you could die. all the ways i could kill you. simple daydreams, simple wishes, nothing more. they bring me a wretched kind of joy, a vile satisfaction. the disappearance of you from my life is the happiest thought that has graced my tormented mind in months. of course I won't do anything. I've never had the guts to do anything. but the image of it is sweet, nonetheless.

[somber-sayings]

i am away from home. three days and three nights, a work-hosted retreat. the beds are soft, the company is pleasant. joyful, even. there is laughter and merciless teasing between the hours where we work. i am away from home. and i have not been this content and comfortable in months. you are not here. i cannot hear you when i drift to sleep. you are not here. your hands do not touch my body, smear across my flesh. you are not here. and i am so, so happy. God, forgive me for being happy like this. and when i call you on the phone, it is out of courtesy. hearing your voice again brings me back to that place, that place where i am anxious and hollow again. i am away from home.

and i do not wish to come home.

[somber-sayings]

in this moment i am

alive

and i am sitting on my balcony

and i am watching

a silky strand of spider's web

between the bars of the railing-

and it is trembling in the wind

under the glow

of the rising sun-

and i an home.

[somber-sayings]

shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP i wish your flesh would grow cold and your body silent. every sound of your being sickens me and scrapes my ears, grips my brain mercilessly. i wish you would grow cold. i wish you would grow quiet.

[somber-sayings]

soooo many drugs in my system. a cocktail, a simple recipe; ibuprofen, midol, naproxen, advil, cbd, thc...it does nothing, none of it ever works no matter how much i take. 3,000mg in one day. the pain doesn't budge. my body hurts my body hurts my body hurts. my organs are trying to claw themselves out of me, it feels like dying almost. except I'm not allowed that blissful, final breath. just agony on loop. I wish it would stop. I wish the doctors would take me seriously, give me some magic pill that would make all of this pain go away. but they just smile and nod and say, "see you next time." 3 months down the line, and i am still hurting.

#chronic pain #rant

[somber-sayings]

she died alone. she died alone down there in the middle of the night, on the cold tile floor. was she scared? confused? I don't know for certain. but what i do know for certain is that she died alone. she didn't deserve that. she was such a good dog, she always wanted to be near someone. but no one was with her when she went. we slept through the night, blissfully unaware while she faded and breathed her last. it's all my fault. i should have done better. i saw the signs, i knew she didn't have long. i should have brought her to the vet, had her euthanized. that way we could have been there, been present for her last moments. but i didn't. i was scared. i didn't want to make the inevitable real. and now she is gone and there is no turning back the hands of time. she died alone. she died alone. she died alone. i'm so sorry, baby. mommy didn't mean to do this to you. i'm so sorry.

[somber-sayings]

i held him in my arms

while he wept

and in that moment

i wished that i could

squeeze all of his pain

away

#is this love?

[somber-sayings]

it gets better, right?

i get happier....

right?

[somber-sayings]

A young woman stares at the ring on her finger;

Green and glittering, a mock Alexandrite. Beautiful and captivating, despite its false origins. The stone did not come from the Earth. Rather, it was made in a cold and practiced laboratory. Not a flaw to be seen. Perfect. Just as the young girl's marriage will be. Cold and practiced. Not a flaw to be seen. Perfect.

A young woman stares at the ring on her finger and whispers;

"What have I done?"

[somber-sayings]

despair bundled inside me, coiled like a snake. nowhere to strike and nowhere to go. how do I control what I cannot see?

[somber-sayings]

god, I'm going to lose everything aren't I? my privacy. my comfort. my security. my time. my body.

Sometimes I wonder if I was just better off alone.