soil-just-needs-water-to-be

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

thinking about riding Matty while his hands are tied behind his back yummy yummy monday evening thoughts

oh my god anon, thank you for this.

are you in my head? because this is something i've been wanting to chat about regarding soft subby bf matty but haven't gone around to doing a proper blurb so here are some ramblings that i hope make sense. it's just a run-on stream of consciousness thing with no formatting and no real ending. i also got too carried away so it is a longer one lol

warning: 18+, smut, reader is upset. grammatical errors, typos.

other bf matty blurbs & rambles here.

okay, so imagine you just got home from a fucking awful day of work. freaking debbie from accounting is back at it, making your job impossible and a living hell. who knows what her problem is. anyway. right away when you enter the apartment you are greeted by the scent of a delicious pasta that your dear bf matty is preparing because he's one damn good cook (it's canon for him, lol). you go to the kitchen and sit at the bar, watching as matty whips up the alfredo sauce which is your favourite. matty greets you without looking at first because he's too focused on getting the proper cheese to cream ratio for the sauce, but once he does, he knows right away that something's off.

bad day, huh?

you make some sort of confirming grunt before you rest your forehead on the cold marble countertop. because your head is down, you don't notice the sad expression on matty's face; he cares about you too much so anytime you're feeling down he cannot help but feel upset, too. he takes one last taste of the sauce (perfect!) before he pulls it off the fire and places it on a trivet. as much as he loves cooking and prepping dinner for you, he wants to make you feel better. so the pasta can wait. bless him.

he takes off his denim apron (which has a drawing of a rooster on the front, for some reason...) before heading over to your side. you feel the warm palm of his hand rub your back in the gentlest of ways while his other grabs your hand. c'mon darling. you raise your head to finally look at your surroundings again only to realize that he stove burners are off and his apron is crumpled on the countertop.

matty, what about the food, i know you like finish-

don't worry about it, love, the food will still taste good later on. let's go.

you're not one to deny him, so you get off the stool and follow his lead as he takes you over to the living room, guiding you to both to sit on the sofa.

he asks about your day as he knows talking makes you feel better in these sort of occasions but it catches him off guard (and you as well, truly) when you just start sobbing uncontrollably as you recount your day. the stress and pressure has been building in your body that all you can really do is cry out of frustration. matty instantly brings you close so you're straddling him, arms wrapped tightly around you, trying to provide some sort of comfort as the tears just stream down your face soaking the fabric of his shirt. your head is buried in the crook of his neck, giving him access to gently kiss the skin of your exposed neck, continuously whispering it's okay, it's okay.

and everything is usually okay, but this time you cannot help but feel an overwhelming mixture of anger and exhaustion. it's bad enough that you've subconsciously grabbed fistfuls of your boyfriend's curly hair, and when you realize you're doing so, you instantly jerk away, apologizing profusely while more tears streak down your face.

oh no, i'm sorry. i'm so sor--

he urgently but carefully grabs your face between his hands, bringing his forehead against yours. it's okay, it's okay. everything feels like too much right now, that not even the sensation of his gentle fingers on your face can soothe whatever is brewing inside you.

and at that moment you cannot help but kiss him. hard, fast and hungrily. he whimpers against your lips at the shock of it all, but doesn't hesitate to kiss you back, letting you take the lead and set the pace. teeth clashing against each other, you bitting at his bottom lip, shoving your tongue in his mouth constantly. it's messy and aggressive but he doesn't stop you, only pulling away to catch your breath, looking down at the crumbled fabric of his now over stretched shirt clenched in between your fingers.

seeing his dishevelled state--red swollen lips, unruly hair, wrinkled top--is enough to edge you on to continue, now focusing on leaving marks all over his neck, around the several necklaces that he wears. there's nothing gentle about it, a sharp contrast as to how softly he's holding on to your waist. you lick, bite, suck at any skin that you find, leaving behind countless bruises along the way as he moans uncontrollably underneath you. your left hand is back on his hair, pulling at it so his neck is exposed, while your right one is aimlessly trying to unbutton his pants but failing miserably. god knows you're already frustrated enough, so you just grab one of matty's hands and bring it over to the front of his jeans so he can undo the pesky button and zipper himself. once he's done, he places your palm back at the top of his pants, giving him a mumbled thank you before you slide your fingers under the fabric of his boxers.

you waste no time and start stroking his cock as fast as you can, all while you desperately kiss him leaving you both breathless once more. because of your erratic pace, it doesn't take long for matty to begin losing control. you know he's getting near his climax because of the way his legs are starting to shake and how close he pulls your body against him. however, you're too deep in whatever trance has possessed over you, that you take your hand away as to not let him finish. not yet at least.

and before he says anything about it, you get off his lap and on to your feet, dragging him up with you so you can take off his pants and underwear completely. you instruct him to remove his shirt and you swear he's never done it faster in his life. instantly your lips are clashing against each other for the millionth time that night, giving you the chance to reach behind your head and undo the white silk scarf holding up your ponytail. again, you're not entirely sure what's taken over your mind and body, but before you know it, you tie matty's wrists behind his back.

you push him down on the couch, bitting your bottom lip and silently asking him if this is alright. the fucked out expression and small smile tugging at the corner of his lips is all the confirmation you need.

please.

you take off your soaked underwear but decide to keep your floral cotton dress on because you know it's his favourite. it's the least you can do for how you've been treating him. not that he minds; it's quite the opposite in fact. with each of your knees to his sides, you straddle him for the second time that night, grabbing his cock and guiding him to your cunt before you sink down and take him all at once.

and it fucking hurts. having him inside you without any foreplay is probably a stupid choice, but part of you hopes that the pain can help take away some of the anger and resentment built up in your body not only from that day, but weeks and months prior. more tears end up streaming down your face. from the pain or anger, you don't know. probably both.

hey, hey. love are you ok-?

you cover his mouth with your hand before he can say anything else, but you look at him and nod, glassy eyes assuring him that it is okay. he returns an understanding, soft look, and that's when you finally begin to move your hips, grinding hard against his dick so you can feel every single inch of him inside you. in that instant you see his brown eyes roll to the back of his head, mumbling a fuck against the palm of your hand. you work yourself up to a steady pace, switching between grinding and moving up and down his cock to hit that spot inside you which makes you delusional.

with your fingers still over his open mouth, you can hear his muffled moans, his spit now covering the palm of your hand and dripping down his chin. it's fucking obscene sight but one that you hope you'll never forget.

making sure that his eyes are on yours, you finally take the hand off his mouth. his gaze follows as you take your soaked fingers and guide them under your dress, your high pitched moans a clear sign that you have started to rub your clit.

oh my fucking god.

he snaps his head up to look at you with the most lustful yet loving expression on his face. the adoration radiating off him is too much for you to handle and you cannot help but smile, the first time you’d done so during that whole day. there is no more pain, no more tears, just pure pleasure running through your body, washing away the frustration.

thank you.

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

I’m in trouble

I have a bf that I’m not on good terms with rn but there’s the person I work with and I’m out drinking with them and I think I’m in love with them there so pretty I’m gay but they identify as female and I’m gay im really confused 🥺😬

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

I had an amazing idea for a fanfic and I was wandering if anyone wanted to help me get my idea into a fic cuz I don’t know if I’d write it well ??

#matty healy #george daniel #adam hann #ross mcdonald #adhd #matty healy x george daniel #the 1975 fanfic #the 1975

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to these guys and everyone I’ve met/made friends with over the last couple years because of them, I got to see them three times in the last 13 months and from not being allowed to see them and then getting three times is insane

I’m just going to do a little run down as to why these boys mean so much to me through albums and eras

self-titled as an era as well as notes - help me relive my teen years , help me relive as the teenage boy that I didn’t get to live (being trans I was raised as a female and my teen years where very weird obviously) , but since coming out I’ve made the connection that these albums really help me feel like the teenage boy I was meant to be and I couldn’t thank the guys more for that and I know there probably never going to here it but it’s wild that even though I’m never actually going to be able to go back and fully relive my teenage years these albums do help me.

I like it when you sleep- I don’t know what it is about iliwys but it helps me feel so confident in my sexuality and gender around others , it helps me care less what others may think of it. I can just be me and not be bothered about others thoughts. Be the openly little gay boy that I am and not care that others may veiw it as icky or be homophobic toward me it just keeps me safe and grounded and I don’t feel like I have to hide because of this.

a brief Inquiry(can’t spell sorry)- ABIIOR - has helped me care more for the environment and schooling and helped me care more about my knowledge for other things like art and writing , creativity in all forms (I cared before but like now with this album) , I’ll stay up and learn about art and history and feel like I’m expanding my brain learning about the world around me and how things used to be - I just feel smarter

but the best of all really is

Being Funny - to me this one brings the best out because it really makes me feel like I’ve grown as a person and that everything around me has grown with me , as have the people around me , I’ve gained so much confidence and done things I never thought id do , I’ve grown up with the guys because of this era , I feel like I’m growing into the gentleman that I want to be and it just makes me feel so grown. I can do everything I dream of and do it to the best of my abilities

so I wanna thank the guys SO MUCH for helping me through everything in life

#matty healy #george daniel #the 1975 #adam hann #ross macdonald

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Sorry but why is baby Matty Healy , Eric from Mr Magoriums WonderEmporiam (can’t spell it)

#matty healy #the 1975

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

🖊️ 🎤 for the thingy <3

My favourite lyric is “if I live past 72 , I hope I’m half as cool as you” because I relate to that lyric and “Nana” in general so much but it’s more my parents it makes me think about. And wanna be as cool as my dad if I make it past 64 ❤️

My favourite live performance is , The latest trsmt performance of “Ballad”, I went to trsmt myself and to watch them replay that song when Matty is so much healthier and happier seems like such a grown up moment for them

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

🎵 favourite song & why

See that’s a really hard question to answer

I have she way out , roadkill , LIIWMI , she’s American and pressure included in my tattoo

BUT

I think my favourite is heart out it just makes me feel some type of way and real just vibrant and arghhh yanno

#matty healy #george daniel #the 1975 #adam hann #ross macdonald

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

The 1975 Ask Game

Safe to say I got a little bored so I made this

🖊️ favourite lyric & why

🎵 favourite song & why

📽️ favourite interview

🎤 favourite live performance

💿 favourite album

🗣️ favourite matty quote

🎸 favourite guitar solo

🎼 favourite baseline

🥁 favourite drum solo / fill

🎷 favourite sax solo

❤️ favourite main member & why

💜 favourite wap (wife/partner)

🩷 favourite tour member

💫 favourite "the 1975" intro

💙 favourite photo of ross

🤍 favourite photo of hann

🖤 favourite photo of matty

💚 favourite photo of george

🤝🏼favourite song featuring another artist

📓 favourite fan fic

🛋️ favourite show you've attended

🌟 your personal favourite memory / moment during your time as a fan

#questions #matty healy #the 1975 #george daniel #adam hann #ross mcdonald

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Z 🤍

zodiac sign

Thank so much

I’m a Libra

I don’t know all the much about star signs n stuff but I have noticed that I am very much like other libras that I know !!!

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Please gimme something to do with my day ❤️

Send me a letter to my inbox

A- are you single? B- birthday? C- crush? D- did u get ur first kiss? E- easiest person to talk to? F- favorite song? G- good at? H- hair color? I- in love? J- jealous of? K- known as? L- longest relationship? M- middle name? N- number? O- one wish? P- person last texted? Q- question always asked? R- reason to smile? S- song last listened to T- time you woke up? U- 3 biggest wishes? V- violent moment? W- worst fear? X- ex you still liked after it was ended? Y- your last hug? Z- zodiac sign?

#adhd

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

update on the band situation

IMMA BE A LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

#george daniel

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

I’m actually so excited

I was joking with a friend of mine from work saying imma start a band with him and another of our coworkers and he was joking with me too and the other coworker came along and was genuinely like no i actually want to do that , SO TURNS OUT TOMORROW WHERE GUNNA MEET UP AND TALK ABOUT STUFF PROPERLY AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO AND LEARN TOGETHER AND STUFF IM ACTUALLY TO HYPED RN

I CANT !!!!! I’m buzzin

#bands #im so hyped #matty healy #the 1975 #george daniel #adam hann #the 1975 fanfic

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

when people ask for “the Ross video” this is the one imma be showing from now on , This had my physically having to bite my hand to stop me from splitting my face open from the size of my smile , WTF HES SO CUTE 🥰

oh my sweet handsome angel!!!! 🫶🏻 (x)

#ross macdonald #satvb #the 1975

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Sobbing 😭

Just read your reply to an ask about a fix of matty singing them to sleep and the suggestion/idea of fictional Matty singing fictional George or vice versa to sleep has me wanting to eat my hand and sob (in a good way) 😭

The best way to deal with your self imposed stress of not finishing a fic by your self dictated deadline is obviously to work on a different one 😂 I felt really bad that I wasn't able to fill that one prompt request for that anon looking for a matty x reader blurb where he sung the reader to sleep (I don't see myself ever writing x reader fic i'm sorry!! there are so many wonderful talented people who do though! that's just not my writing niche unfortunately) ... but like was totally down to write one of him singing fictional!George to sleep, and then I saw that YOU lovely anon had sent this in in response to that ask, so obviously I had to jump it to the top of my massive list of prompt fill requests that I really do promise I will finish in 2024 lol

So, alas, here it is, Fictional!Matty sining Fictional!George to sleep. I hope you like it, if not let me know and I will attempt a take two! Thank you so much for sending this in though, and for reading, and being so lovely and supportive! I hope you have a very happy new year and a great rest of your week!

❤️Ally

Singing to sleep

George was sick, and George never got sick. Matty was at his wits end, he was the one with the shit immune system. He was the one who didn’t take care of himself and allowed his body to get run down, seeming to constantly be coming down with a perpetual case of the sniffles. George did yoga. George remembered to eat, and drank water, and got the recommended eight hours of sleep each night. He wasn’t supposed to be congested and running a fever, a trail of used tissues laid out like bread crumbs as if he would lose his way back to the bedroom without them. 

George wasn’t supposed to be arguing with Matty that he wasn’t sick when he clearly was. Shaking his head, his voice rough and nasally, insisting that he was fine even as he had to halt his argument every few minutes to cough. George was not supposed to be sick, and with a sinking realization, Matty was learning that George was an even worse patient than he was. 

“Please,” Matty begged, he knew he looked ridiculous wearing the frilly apron his Mum had gotten him as a joke when they had bought the new house and Matty had shown her the high end kitchen as if he was going to actually use it. The joke was on her, he was wearing the apron and currently trying to use the kitchen. “Please just go lay back down.” 

“I’m fine,” George rasped again before breaking off into another coughing fit, his arms wrapped around himself as he shivered. Matty glanced at the clock on the stove, it was still too soon for him to take another dose of paracetamol. 

“You are not fine!” Matty snapped, turning away from the stove and the soup that he hoped was simmering and not boiling, he wasn’t entirely sure of the difference. He waved his wooden spoon at George for dramatic effect. “You need to go lay down and get some fucking rest so you can get better!” 

George opened his mouth and Matty waved the spoon more aggressively, flicking his wrist at George. “No, no arguments, upstairs, now please, let’s go.” Matty said, nudging George’s shoulder so that he could guide him towards the staircase. 

George sighed, breaking off into another coughing fit, his shoulders shaking before doing as Matty said. He padded barefoot towards the stairs, Matty hot on his heels to make sure he actually got into bed instead of trying to snag his work laptop out of the office. The soup would be okay for a few minutes without him, Matty thought as they climbed the stairs. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to be watching for anyway, or what he was even supposed to do if it did do something. 

Realizing he was still holding the spoon, Matty sheepishly sat it down on the dresser, brushing past George to fluff up his pillows and blankets.

“Get in the bed,” he said, holding his arms out as if he was a briefcase girl on a game show.  

“You trying to take advantage of me?” George rasped, batting his eyelashes teasingly, the effect was lost though by the glassy sheen of his eyes and his dry red nose. 

“Always,” Matty deadpanned and George sighed, climbing back into bed and allowing Matty to rearrange the blankets around him while he pouted like a child.

“Now get some rest,” Matty said, leaning down one last time to press a kiss to George’s forehead, frowning when he realized just how hot it was. He turned away, planning on heading into the bathroom to get George a damp wash rag to try and cool him down some before returning to his soup when George caught his wrist. 

“Wait,” said George looking up at Matty, looking extra pathetic with his pale skin, red nose and shiny eyes. 

“I’ll be right back,” Matty assured him, his heart squeezing. “I’m just going to get you a cold rag.” 

“I’m fine,” George said again, his voice convincing absolutely no one. “But will you,” George flushed, and Matty wasn’t sure if it was from fever or embarrassment. George swallowed hard, his sore throat bobbing painfully. “Will you sing to me?”

Matty blinked, in confusion, not expecting the request. “What?” he asked dumbly and George’s blush deepened, embarrassment it is then, Matty thought fondly, his heart flipping at the request. 

“Will you sing me something?” George asked again, his eyes wide and earnest. “Please.” 

Matty exhaled slowly, he wanted to get George a cold wash rag for his forehead, and he needed to go check on his soup. But who was he to refuse George a song when he was poorly. 

“Yeah,” said Matty softly, feeling like his insides had turned to goo with just how much he loved George. “Yeah, I can sing you something.” 

His Gibson Hummingbird was leaning against a decorative chair where he had left it two days prior, and he winced, knowing he should have put it away properly but thankful for his laziness as he scooped it up, feeling silly as he quickly tuned it and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

He played the opening chord and George smiled, instantly recognizing the song. 

Tell me what you thought about

When you were gone and so alone

The worst is over

You can have the best of me

We got older but we're still young

We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up

George was asleep, snoring softly, before Matty even finished the song. 

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

I’ve come to realise that Matty and No Rome in the Narcissist video is me (my my last two adhd brain cells ) whichever, when I’ve had no sleep and too much sugar

#matty healy #george daniel #the 1975 #adam hann #ross macdonald #no rome #adhd

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Menswear

Chapter 3

Mention of dysphoria and dysfunctional families

The next morning

I woke up to my alarm 7 on the dot, more startled awake then by choice. George was wrapped up in my duvet next to me, like most mornings. His hair strewn across the pillow just like a halo , like the angel he is. From as young as I can remember he’s always had the most angelic face , one I’ve wanted to kiss for the longest time, the feeling only grew stronger the older I got but I just never knew how to talk about it. Like most mornings when I woke first I just watched him sleep, so peacefully. I watched his eyes flicker, the brown in them starting to make an appearance. “You know you can just take a picture right??, it’ll last longer”, he’s a dipshit but he’s my dipshit. He scrubbed his eyes harshly to wake himself up a little then rose slowly to rest against the headboard placing one hand on my forehead probably to check my temperature. “How you feeling today lad?”.

“I feel a little better, I feel a bit stuffy and my throat feels like razors but really everything else is fine, think I just have a cold”, I was a complete mess yesterday and I know it, I feel bad that the lads had to look after me but I just seriously wasn’t feeling it and something about having someone give you all there attention feels nice even when you don’t want it. “Thanks for yesterday by the way” , I’ve always relied on the boys to help me, I depend on them as sad as that may be.

“Don’t mention it , you’d have done the same for any of us”, I would have yes!, anything for them. “Are you sure your feeling alright though , well enough for school, I know what your like”. He’s not wrong I can be a right idiot at school sometimes if I ain’t feeling right. It’s fine though.

“I’m alright yeh, get your arse up we have to get ready, my mum left your stuff in the dryer , you can go get it and I’ll get dressed yeh?” , I hopped out off bed and began to get my uniform out of my wardrobe, I heard George groan and fall back onto the bed. “Bro you gotta get up”, I picked up a hat from the computer chair next to me and flung it in his direction just missing his head and hitting the headboard. “Come on”

“Ughhh….dude five more minutes”, George is quite the challenge to wake up in the morning, once he’s out of bed he’s raring to go and always full of energy but until that point, nope. Where as I can get up but until I’ve had a coffee I’m basically a zombie. “It’s to late I’ve bonded to mattress, I have become one with the bed, there’s no saving me”

“Come on you fuckin flamingo get up”, I took a minute to look through my wardrobe for my blazer upon not finding it I swiftly ran over to George’s side of the bed and jumped on him immediately tickling his chest and any piece of skin available to me “Get up, get up , get up”, his ever present stupid high-pitched laugh soon enveloped my room and hearing it myself made me giggle with him. His laugh is always contagious. He begins thrashing around begging me to stop but I continue my attack. “I’ll stop if you get up ditwit”

“Fine, fine , okay….stop…I can’t breath…I’ll get up”, I rolled off of him in fits of giggles, struggling to breath for myself. “Your actually a fuckin nightmare you know that right, in the best way possible your a dick”, he flung the duvet off of himself which inturn made it drape over me, and as he stood up he pushed me causing me to roll off of the bed. “ hah stuuuuupid”

“Fuck you , you hobgoblin ”, again we were both laughing, the amount of random names I’ve called George over the years is insane and they still get more and more ridiculous.

Finally though he did leave and I began to get myself ready for the day, binder, shirt, trousers and shoes, still not a fuckin clue where any of my blazers are. Or my tie for that matter. Just as I was tying my shoes there was a tiny little knock on my door “Maffew, are you awake”, Shit we probably woke him up we were being kinda loud.

“Yeh I’m awake kiddo come in”, Louis pushed the door open and stuck his little head through the gap in door and slid in, bounding over the the bed. “What’s wrong kiddo?”

“I have a question”

“Ask away young padawan”, he’ll have no idea what padawan means but I jump at every chance to use that sentence .

“Well , you know how Georgie stays here a lot, does he just live wif us now and does that mean he’s like my big brother now too ?” , I sat myself down next to him after I tied my shoes and ruffled his hair as he giggled.

“No no baby, George is just Matty’s best friend and George and his daddy aren’t friends right now so he’s just taking a little break, but if you see him like a big brother that’s okay”

“Why is he not friends wif his daddy , he’s friends wif our daddy and we are friends wif our daddy, people are supposed to love their daddies” , I carefully pulled him into my lap as I chuckled, loving how his brain works and can’t see the bad side of anything.

“Just George’s daddy is a little bit grumpy and gets grumpy at George a lot and it makes George sad so he just wanted a little break for a little while, like you know when you get a little sad and you get big feelings and you don’t know how to handle them, sometimes grown-ups like Matty and George we have even bigger feelings and it’s even harder to handle so sometimes we need a break”, Louis was nodding along with me as I was chatting looking up at me with his big brown eyes, he always seemed like he knew what I was saying and taking in what I said. He then brung his hand up to his chin and scrunched his face up like he was thinking.

“Well if he needs a big hug and someone to make the big feelings better, I can help right?”

“Of course you can kiddo, well done you for using your big brain, now I think it’s breakfast time don’t you?”, he quickly nodded his head and smiled up at me as he slid off of my lap and made his way back outside, I heard him give George a high five down the hallway, Moments after George came back in tying his tie.

“Is that yours or mine, I can’t find mine”, he finished tying it then began brushing his hair while thinking about it.

“Isn’t yours in you bag with your blazer you took em off on the way home on Friday, why you don’t have more than one blazer I’ll never know but I’m pretty sure there both in your bag, also glasses on your face before we leave please”, George is literally a saviour at this point, always keeping an eye on me, keeping me in line, as does Adam, but if I wanna get up to mischief Rosso is the man to call.

“Alright dad” , I looked at him through the mirror and gave him the cheekiest smile I could muster as he rolled his eyes at me, I did however put my glasses on. “Hey George, do you think it would be weird if I wore my packer at school, I wear it sometimes but I’ve got PE today and I don’t know if that’s a smart idea??”

“Dude if it’ll make you feel good, and comfortable, go for it, Ross is in your Gym class right, so that way if anyone says anything gentle giant is there to help”

“Uh-huh. Em alright, I’ll be back in a minute then”, I picked up my small bag the has my STP (a device that helps trans men use the toilet standing up, it can sit in your boxers and it can also help you feel less dysphoria because it creates the illusion that you have a slight bulge where it’s supposed to be, it’s very helpful), and scurry to the bathroom , in the bathroom I fix up my STP , brush my teeth, apply deodorant, I haven’t had a shower in a while my heads just not been in a good place and having to shower , see myself naked really isn’t something I’ve wanted to be faced with right now. Once I’ve checked that everything looks right and I’m happy with it I head back through to my bedroom, George is now laying back on the bed fully dressed and phone in hand.

“All set”, I mumble a quick “yes” and slide back onto the bed next to him.

“Can I ask you something”

“Go ahead man”

“Well uh…. I know you’ve probably noticed ….so I don’t really know why I’m telling you…but I ain’t showered since like Wednesday night and I know that’s rank…..” I watched George place his phone down on the bed as I started talking and he turned his full attention to me

“Cuz you haven’t been feeling all that great right now, right, dysphoria beating your ass??” He interrupted before I could even finish. Not that I minded.

“Yeh , how did you know?”

George paused for a moment to think about what to say, looking at me deeply. “You’ve just got these little tells I guess, like it’s always pretty obvious , well to me at least , when your feeling like that, I’ve been around you often enough to notice them”

“Really??, like what!?”

“It depends where you are” , he slightly shrugged his shoulders and scrubbed a hand over his face then began talking again,” when you’re at school and it comes on you get really irritable but very quiet you know like , everyone irritates you and you get all hopped up and want to fight everyone”, hearing that causes me to giggle a little bit because he’s really not wrong. “But your like also dead quiet when your around us at school or you just don’t go , but when your at home and feel shitty, you tend to kind of just go off the rails a little and not look after yourself, not sleeping a wink , you don’t eat, and just constantly try to keep yourself distracted but stay in bed all day being really clingy with me”

“Oh , I…uh….I didn’t know I was clingy….I’m sorry”, hearing that I get clingy with George without even realising it makes me feel bad because as I’ve said I hate relying on others to feel good.

“Hey lad ….don’t apologise, I’m just glad I can help, come on, your mum made porridge for breakfast, we can have breakfast and get going, where running late”, George got off the bed, the grace of a gazelle and helped me off. “Anyway where were you going with the conversation, I kind of interpreted you?”

I ruffled my hair again as we left my room , closing my door behind me. “Oh uh , nevermind it’s okay it doesn’t matter, it’s not important”, I pray to every god that he doesn’t continue asking but I know he will he always does.

“Come on , it must have been important if you mentioned it , please come on you can tell me” , we both trundled done the stairs heavy footed , like a heard of elephants.

“ um I was , uh , just going to ask if you could like maybe help me , like shower tonight , I’ll close the curtain obviously but just sit in with me and talk to me, keep me distracted”

“If that’s what you need then that’s what I’ll do, that is important Matty , don’t just shrug off your feelings okay , especially if they’re important enough that they’ll affect your mood okay , please don’t.” , I just nodded as we got to the kitchen and sat down next to each other

#matty healy #george daniel #the 1975 #adam hann #ross macdonald

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Chapter 2 of menswear

3 hours later

“Lads where actually shite today, what’s up with that “ , we’d been sat in the rehearsal shed for literally only half an hour, Ross and Adam had gotten far to engrossed in the game we were playing so the promise of waking Matty up in the next hour never came to fruition but now, we’d all been bundle into the rehearsal shed and not being doing great.

“I’m just shattered guys, I’m sorry I know that’s no excuse, you guys were good, it’s me, just can’t seem to concentrate today” ,It wasn’t just Matty really , Ross and I weren’t staying on beat together, Adam even messed up a few cords. We were all messing up.

“Why don’t we just call it a night, go in have a cuppa, see if we can wake ourselves up a bit, if not we can just have dinner or something and Ross and I will go home and we can try again after school tomorrow, I have to be home by 9 anyway I’ve got work in the morning.” , to think the rest of us are still in school and Adam is like a fully fledged adult with a job and everything is such a weird thought to me.

We all put our instruments down, Ross and Adam made their way outside but Matty just parked himself on the couch in the corner “you comin!?”.

“Gimmie a sec yeh?”, I heard him groan from the other-side of the room it was only quiet it could have been missable If I wasn’t paying attention and the heels of his hands where digging into his eyes. So I walked back over and sat myself next to him and tried to slowly pull at least one hand away.

“What’s wrong!”

“Headache”

I softly get him to lay down his head in my lap and card my fingers through his hair softly. “Why ?, you only get headaches when your stressed”, his hands were still pushing into his eyes so I pulled them away again. “That’s not going to help”.

“I think I’m just scared that when my voice starts changing that I won’t be able to sing anymore and I’ll lose all of this that we have and I’m not me without it but on the other hand I’m also scared that even though I’ve only had one shot things won’t change and I’ll just be like this forever and I’m scared”, he rolled over onto his side wrapping his arms around my waist awkwardly, resting his head on my stomach.

“You’re always going to have this, we’re always going to be here. Do you think that we’ll just go if you “can’t sing anymore”” , I raise my hands and add quote marks around what I said. “You’re always going to be able to sing in my opinion, it’s going to sound different, yes , but it’s still going to be amazing”. I bring my hands down to rub at his back softly. “And as for the other thing, your already such an amazing man right, and things will be sooo good for you once you start noticing the changes for yourself, you won’t notice it yourself straight away but there will be so many things that will change, and I’ll be sure to let you know everytime I notice something, how bad is your head feeling?”

“It hurts real bad , like it’s making everything hurt and I feel nauseous”

“Can you stand up for me, we’ll get you inside to bed and I’ll make sure Ross and Adam get home” , I feel him shake his head slightly against my stomach while I’m still carding my hands through his hair. “No you can’t stand up ?”

“Can we just sit for a minute if I try get up, I’ll throw up”, I relax back on the sofa and pull Matty closer to me so he could get some body heat from me, I could feel him shivering against me. The silence in the room was comforting, but also slightly eerie , Matty was rarely quiet these days. Since I met him actually, he’s always been a whirlwind of emotional rants and nonsense. When he did go quiet it was always weird for me.

We sat there for a while the sun had started to go down, it was getting colder in the shed and I could faintly hear the rain beating down on the top of the roof not hard just sprinkling. Matty’s breathing had calmed down and I think he’d fallen asleep again. He must be getting sick. My phone vibrated in my back pocket, I had to manoeuvre myself to get it out and not wake Matty in the process.

Adam: where did you guys go, we thought you where behind us you’ve been gone like 30 minutes?? , Are you alright ??

George : Matty isn’t feeling to great, he wanted to sit for a while to calm himself down but he fell asleep :)

Adam : do you want be to bring anything out ??

George: maybe just a brew for us and if you can find a jacket for Matty that would be helpful, it’s freezing out here.

Adam : alright lad, let me just get them ready I’ll be back out in a bit.

I put my phone on the arm of the sofa and began to card me hand through Matty’s hair again softly fixing the knots that had accumulated throughout the day. Since moving head when I was 11 the lads have always been a constant in my life making me feel like I belonged for the first time every but my connection with Matty was the strongest from the start, we just clicked so fast and nothing tore us apart, no matter how hard they tried. Not even my dad who hated Matty but for the life of me couldn’t tell me why.

Summer holidays 2004

“George where are you off too now, you’ve been home at most 3 hours and your off out again, can’t you stay at home even just for one day” , I was on my way back to Matty’s , I was really just home to collect more clothes and extra games that I’d left behind, it was the second last week of the summer holidays and I had spend the majority of the holidays at Matty’s. My dad had stopped me in the hallway while I was putting my shoes back on, he wasn’t impressed that I’d come home played with my sisters for a little while and now I’m leaving again. “We don’t even know what you’ve gotten up to all summer break, most likely up to no good with that young man ”

“You know what I’ve been doing, I’ve been at Matty’s”, we were 13 and 14 there wasn’t much really that we could be getting up to really, playing video games, staying up late watching movies , listening to music and annoying Matty’s parents and looking after Louis , Matty’s new born brother. As well as learning how to play our instruments that we’d began playing. “We haven’t really been up to anything”

“I’d like you to call that boy and tell him that your staying at home for a little while , to spend time with your family” I opened my mouth and closed it again a few times trying to think up and argument but there was really no point once my dad had a notion in his head there was no stopping him. “Now please George”. I dropped my shoe that was in my hand back onto the ground and kicked my other one off and stormed past my dad. “And less of the attitude please”

“There is no attitude” I muttered under my breath as I picked up the phone and started dialling Matty’s number.

“Sorry what was that ?”, I knew he’d hear me even if I’d whispered it, I’d just gotten myself in to a whole new ocean of bother now.

“Nothing dad” , the phone rang through a few times before Denise picked up the phone.

“Hello”

“Hiya Denise, is Matty still around?”

“Yes my love he’s still upstairs, would you like to get him for you?” , I could hear tiny noises on the other side of the phone, Denise probably had Louis sat on her hips while she was making dinner for everyone.

“If it’s not to much hassle yes please”, I heard her call Matty, loud as anything, I also heard Matty bouldering down the stairs and most likely trip over the last one like he does every single time. As Denise told him to mind his language in-front of his brother and the phone was passed over.

“Hiya lad, how long you going be, I’m setting up the 64 on the big TV?”

“Eh my dad said says I’ve gotta stay home for a bit”

“Bollocks , why!?”

“I don’t know, cuz he’s being a fuckin arsehole , and apparently I’ve got to spend time with the family and he doesn’t know what I’m up too and thinks we’re up to no good” , I rolled my eyes as I heard myself say it, and Matty was causing a commotion on the other side of the phone. Making the biggest fuss as per usual. “Matty mate it’s okay , don’t stress , I’ll just annoy them enough that they won’t me here”

“Do you think my Mum could just talk to your dad about it and maybe you could come back”

“My dads already made his mind up lad , but hopefully I’ll be back over soon, I’m sorry”

“I guess I’ll see you later then, how soon ?”

“I don’t know lad but I’ll try okay ? , I’m sorry “

“Don’t apologise your dads just being an ass , I love you lad okay , I’ll see you later, miss ya already”

“Love and already miss ya too , bye”, I hung up the phone not to long after and shoved it back in the holder.

That was one of the worst weeks of the summer holiday in particular because I wasn’t allowed back over for the whole week. ugh.

I don’t even go home unless my dads away now a days after a few more years of arguing over it.

Back to present

Adam came back out with Matty’s fluffy hoodie and a few cups of tea plonking himself infront of the sofa after placing them down on the table. “Do you want me to help you carry him in ?” , I whispered a thanks and tried to shake Matty awake softly. He startled awake and slowly rubbed his eyes

“Let’s put your jacket on yeh , and have a cup of tea” , I helped him sit up and put his jacket on for him, he then cuddled up next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. “Thank Hann for that he made it for you”

“Thank you Adam”, Matty stretched out and gave Adam hair a ruffle and slowly dipped on his tea. “How long was I asleep for, I didn’t even know I fell asleep”, he said through a yawn.

“Little over half an hour I think, we’ll finish up here and get you inside”. I put my arm around his shoulder to steady him a little as we chatted while we drank out tea.

“I still feel like shit lads”, Matty tried to stand himself up but stumbled and fell back onto the couch, So Adam and I helped him pull himself up and wrapped out arms around him and helped him walk to the house.

“I’ll go get Ross and we can get going and I’ll let you look after him okay ?, keep me updated alright, and if you need anything call me, I know his mum and dad are here but just let me know” , Adam made his way through to the kitchen collecting all of his thing and informed Ross about what’s going , I watched them both leaving shouting goodbye to each other. Then Matty and I carefully made our way to his room. But before I could totally get him to his room he stumbled into the bathroom and threw up.

“You alright love ?”, making my way inside next to him and rubbed his back until he stopped and managed to calm down a bit. “Your really not having a good day today are ya”

I didn’t really get a reply from him other than a simple grunt and a shake of his head. “It’s shit”. He smiled though and we laughed together sat on the floor of the bathroom together until we calmed down basically where he started our day