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Journal 2 | Guilt

it could be a month from now, three years or a decade. and guilt will always be there. does this happen to everyone or just....me?

its always when you're about to sleep, the feeling comes creeping in. filling your thoughts with " hey, remember when you did this awful thing?" 

you try to push it away  but here we are, wide awake at 4:15am.

guilt is what we carry wherever we go. when you see something that triggers your memory, it will all come flowing in. 

we can't help it. we are human beings with flaws. we do mistakes, we learn from it and try our hardest to not repeat but the feeling lingers. 

its been four years and it still comes and haunt me at times. all i can do is just pray it goes away, grow from it and do things that will make the guilt thinner than it was before. 

guilt. its a difficult emotion to handle, for me atleast. it comes in waves and you overthink it which makes it worse. but deep down, you knew you didn't mean to do it. you knew it was not your intention. ever

here i am saying, if you felt this way before and you're half way crazy thinking about it. count me in. 

we are humans. we have guilt and that is how we grow from it to become better.

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Keith Haring, Journals

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Alyson Provax: Time Wasting Experiment, 2009-2012

you can also find me on instagram @mary_bu__

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“Power”

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via wastefreemarie on instagram

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Signs you need to seriously get tf out of a relationship

No seriously. if you see these behaviors I don’t care how petty it seems. get tf out of there. 

Your s/o saying that they’re attracted to broken people. ex: “they’re just more interesting/I feel bad saying it but people with trauma are just x y z”

Trying to convince you to not cut/dye your hair or wear certain clothing/makeup. Or outright not letting you at all. ex: “I don’t think you’d look good with x y z hair you’d look dykey/boyish/maybe if you were thinner etc”

You’re uneasy to bring your s/o around your friends. this might not be obvious, but if you sit down and think hard its probably because they might say something wildly inappropriate or offensive or just boundaryless. Personal ex: not wanting to invite them out because they made a joke about not being able to see to a blind man, making jokes involving slurs to lgbt people, making jokes that might be fine among well-known friends but not to first-time strangers. Maybe you don’t know why you’re uneasy even if you do think, but the feeling is akin to anxiety, like you’re walking on eggshells, not embarrassment.

None of your friends like them. while no, you should not take your friend’s approval without question. But if a large chunk of your friends or family don’t like your s/o- in the way that they approach you quietly when they’re gone to ask “why tf are they acting like that/saying that stuff” or every time they’re around each other a fight erupts, you should really consider why its a common consensus and issue.

Since entering the relationship you’ve lost passion in your hobbies and you don’t know why. This isn’t “oh I’ve had a bout of depression for a few months now I think its that” this is “I used to love writing/drawing/cooking/singing but I haven’t been able to for a long time and I can’t put my finger on why” especially if you have bursts of wanting to resume these interests when they’re gone/ you’re away from them.

finding yourself strategizing how you’ll be able to have your emotional needs met. this will be individual to every person. but an example could be that you might feel high strung and need a hug or some cuddles but you know that you have to go through a ritual or performance instead of being able to just go up and hug them. 

Your sexual desires and satisfaction are not considered important. in simple words, did you get to cum? who cares! they certainly don’t. they already finished and don’t feel like going anymore/they might say they feel bad and put on a big show abt it, but they put all the pressure on you for you to finish or say that you just need to let them do x y or z yet never initiate those behaviors. also, see above if you feel you need to scheme to be able to have them care enough to let you finish. (for clarity, this scenario doesn’t apply if they aren’t interested in having sex, nobody owes anybody sex but if both parties are enthusiastic but you’re left as chopped liver, this is a problem) also if they give excuses to not want to wear a condom or make it increasingly difficult where its either unsafe sex or no sex and they hold your sexual gratification over your head as incentive/say condoms aren’t eco-friendly/ say they’re allergic/ too big/ etc.

swallowing what you want to say. ex: they violate boundaries with a comment or a joke you don’t like, but you swallow it in order to keep the peace and feel you have to be the bigger person with an “uh huh” or agreeing with them when you actually don’t in an attempt to shut down the conversation and avoid an argument or a long drawn out debate. this happens, all the time.

constant button pushing. This is a form of boundary violation and power dynamic that can vary widely on how it presents itself. it could be not letting you sleep because they won’t stop talking, it could be poking you in sensitive spots to watch you jump to the point of annoyance or in inappropriate situations. it could be forcing you into debates or “kitchen sinking” things that don’t matter, making thinly veiled jabs that can be denied as jokes etc. Chances are this will not be enough to present itself as aggressive but as just petty enough to make you feel petty for mentioning it. but even when you tell them you don’t like it, they’ll continue until a full argument arises or say “oh sorry I forgot” as many times as it takes to reach that argument or there are enough outbursts its not worth it. 

becoming upset when you grow/heal/change. This might seem obvious but the ways this behavior manifests can be subtle like the rest of the list. chances are they’ll be whiney when you do something new. “what? I wanted you to start hiking with me forever ago! but it’s funny you want to now.” interchange the word hiking with gaming/DnD/cooking/camping/anything really. any sign of you becoming happy or discovering something new is regarded with childlike self-pity or a claim they wanted to show it to you first and you should feel guilty for liking it now. 

“they have a lot of growing to do, but if I stick around they’ll find themselves and be happy and I can share in that!” yeah no. this is a really sweetly, flowery, worded way of saying “they have a lot of problems/ are immature but it’s fine because I can be a foil to fix them and then they’ll be happy and ill be happy!” this is the manic pixie dreamgirl narrative. you’re not a person, you’re a ploy to actualize someone else’s dream and desires while your own are sidelined. this is a serious sign of codependence that society especially encourages in women. 

there are many other red flags for a bad relationship, but these are the ones I wanted to share because they’re often overlooked or seen as normal in the society we live in. but they’re unhealthy as hell and yall, I’m not kidding, RUN FOR THE GOD DAMN HILLS if you check off some of these boxes. 

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Journal 1 | Covering Me

i just had a random flashback.

at 13, i had bad acne and acne scars and i was trying to find a solution to it. however,  i remember my bus driver was outside waiting for us to drive us back home when he saw me. he looked at me and said " what's that all over your nose?" in malay.

i didn't know what word suits the feeling that evolved myself at that time. i just shrugged it off. 

another flashback was, we were at a fair of some sort and people kept looking at my scars. i have never been more ashamed whilst being in a space filled with strangers. 

i took a pamphlet that was offered and started covering my face, nose down. only two dark brown eyes uncovered but i felt a drop in my heart everytime someone stares at me. 

my dad kept turning around to ask me why was i covering my face. i remember shooking my head and not looking directly at him. focusing on the floor most of the time and just wanting to go home. 

i remember going to a skin specialist, doing treatments here and there, buying all sorts of new face wash, face cream and even using some items that burnt my skin even more , making it worst, having to listen to people giving advice. 

i have heard it all. drink water, go to this specialist and do laser. buy this expensive bottle of cream. oh i know this specialist

but overall i was done with it. emotionally and physically. i felt guilty as i was using my parents' money when they could use it for more important stuffs. then i remember one day, i didn't give a damn anymore. i can't do it any longer

then i realised i started going out with no makeup and i forgot all about it. never cared  the looks people gave at a market, at a local store. i just didn't care. 

went home and told my parents that i didn't mind having these scars and i don't feel ashamed as much as i did before. i remember my parents said thats good, i shouldnt feel embarassed of my skin. they were proud how i was able to feel confident and fighting the insecurities at a young age. 

and i am proud of the 13 year old alysha ,who found her way out and  not ever feeling that anymore. however she does wear makeup now as its fun to play with and enhance what is given by The Almighty