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okay but this is the best thing: my dad taught me growing up that "its not illegal until they catch you" (not about making ghosts, usually just jokingly about random things, like parking "crimes" and stuff.

Get in the Halloween spirit and make a ghost!

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the last week (3 weeks post op)

I've been having a harder time of it this last week.

increased pain, increased urinary complaints. it's not been terrible, and i've just not been sure what level the increase should be expected since i switched to peeing out of my new anatomy versus a catheter. l expected some difficulties, but when i was peeing, it was slow- difficult. it would literally take me 3 minutes (i timed it) to empty my bladder, during which time i felt like i was going to explode, and i would literally have to push like i was constipated, only from the front. (i wasn't constipated. )

I was able to do a zoo trip on Tuesday, the day before my most recent dr visit- we were there for about 4 hours and I walked at least 2 miles, using lots of ice, lots of breaks, and a walker. I very much doubt I could have done it with my cane. I'm not sure about the FA crutches. Wednesday was my 3 week McClung update- I explained the increased burning with peeing, pressure, discomfort. Being back on the full dose of Tylenol maxed out, back on the azo/Pyridium, maxed out. I definitely have a UTI and what they are considering a "weak stream".

What they are hoping for now is that the treatment for the UTI will help improve the stream that it's just decreased currently because of the bacteria and response to the bacteria- rather than it being a stricture issue (the two other options are a stricture or the tip of the SP catheter is bending and partially blocking my urethra). So I'm supposed to leave the catheter open to drainage for the next couple of days while the antibiotic builds up in my system. And then try again with voiding before a 4-week follow-up next week. I'm definitely out for work for the next 2 weeks, minimum.

Before the UTI, which I think started mid-week last week, I was very decreased on my pain meds but I'm back up to maximum doses of all my meds with near-constant ice again.

Good news front- I am not retaining any urine. Although it takes forever to empty- I really have to push it out I don't see any alternate locations it's exiting and it's all coming out, even if it takes forever. Additionally, the opening I had last week in my scrotum is nearly completely healed.

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Rough night last night. I couldn't sleep. Discussion of healing issues and pain below

I don't know if it's because he cauterized that part on the inside of my left scrotum or what but I can see several parts that are red and weepy, even dabs of blood- and It didn't seem like that before the apt. Things are more swollen despite icing it.

Part could also just be that I'm nervous about getting back home, thinking about going back to work eventually, and also my partner who has been here helping out leaves on Sunday and has to have a tooth extraction today at 11am so will be MIA for the rest of today- our last full day in the hotel.

I'm trying to take things easy, and remind myself I don't have to do much of anything except sleep, eat, and empty my catheter, but I have so much in my head that it's hard to not feel guilty for not doing just "one more thing" before I settle down.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. Everything will heal eventually.

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Okay second postop week update

over the last week, pain had generally been stable. at about 10 days, things were getting really uncomfortable- felt like UTI symptoms, or the discomfort like a stent. i guessed it was from the catheter in the bladder. I realized that placing outward traction on the catheter secured the balloon against the wall of the bladder so it couldn't rub on any of the other edges of the bladder and that was more comfortable, so I tried to tape it in that position. It seemed to chafe a lot against the edge where it was taped, so instead i taped it straight out, with a buffer of gauze against the tape- so it was like skin, gauze wrap, tape (on gauze and catheter, but not skin). That worked and my pain got a lot better. I'm mostly only taking tylenol before i go for a walk or before bed but not around the clock yet. Last week, he had told me that this week we'd be clamping it with the intent to try to get it out at the next apt. So this morning (day 17?) i clamped it after my shower, and by the time it was near to time to leave, i had the urge to pee, so i sat and had a single stream (no leaking from around the scrotum or anywhere else). I let the doc know, and he was like "oh, its a little early. don't do that again until Monday, but i'm thrilled that it was only one stream!" on Monday, I'll try to leave it clamped and if everything goes well, i won't have to unclamp at all, everything i pee will come out of the catheter. I'll get it out wednesday. I have peed a little standing in the shower, but i don't think- yet- my stream is strong enough to even try standing up and aiming. maybe with a full bladder. All the insisions are healing well. there's one spot on the edge of my left scrotum- its' a little deeper, so it's in a fold, that he had to put sliver nitrate on, so i'll keep the gauze for another week. I didn't ask about return to work yet- right now, we'll address it next week.

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since the first apt to now

Since i've been having to keep the small dressing separating my penis and scrotum (it still feels weird using these words for my anatomy. i usually just use "junk" for the whole deal), i've had an increase in chafing. I haven't been able to tolerate more than 1-1.5 miles per day. We've been going out catching pokemon every day. I've been trying for at least 1 mile each day. Each day feels very repetitive. I'm staying in the hotel, i get up around the same time (earlier than i'm used to 8-9-10am, earlier than parker), i mess around on the computer or read until parker gets up, we hang out doing computer things until the early afternoon, we go out in the early afternoon, we eat an early dinner, we watch netflix together until parker falls asleep, then i listen to podcasts until i fall asleep. I've been trying hard to keep up with school things in preparation for my first clinical starting in june- i have a list of things i need to be sure are done before june, and almost all of them are completed. I "met" my preceptor this week (after trying all last week and getting my emails bounced back). They warned me that i might be in so much pain i could hardly walk- i brought a walker, my forearm crutches and my cane- not knowing what i would need. My pain is well controlled. I usually don't use the cane in the hotel room, but do use it when i'm out and about- half to encourage me to take it slow and keep my legs apart, and half to signal to others that i need more space. I switch to the leg bag when i go out but because i drink so much, i find i need to empty it every 45 minutes or so when i'm out, so sometimes if i'm wearing long pants, i just go ahead and tuck the two liter bed bag inside my leg bag holder (i bought something like this- but it's meant for the calf) so I can be out as long as I feel like it. yes, after a while it'll slosh but I've been wearing pajama pants that are almost harem-pants in style so it doesn't look too obvious. (though to be fair, I'm wearing basketball shorts when I'm wearing my leg bag because fuck folks and their ableism). One concern i have is that I'm going to have to take a pee test before clinical. while i have no concern about passing the pee test, I'm concerned about if my catheter isn't out before the test. how sketch is it going to look to have to take it with my catheter still in? i mean, i can show them the catheter coming out of my literal stomach. i can't be the first one who has had a catheter who has also had to take a test. idk. we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Time to go take a shower.

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Day 3 to discharge and through the first follow up (as well as some thoughts on pain and appearance)

On day 3 they began to talk about discharge. I had a 9am to noon zoom call for clinical that day, so I had to be "professional" but they already knew i was going to be i the hospital. They demanded that i'd be on video, but i only could do what i could do. The doctor came in at like 6am that morning, and we turned my epidural down by 1/3, with the plan of discontinuing it completely. By 11am of my zoom call, my pain was getting pretty bad. I had asked a couple times for something for pain by that point and nobody came back. I had to turn off the video of my call because i was rolling around in the bed trying to get comfortable and i really didn't want to take the chance of mooning the screen or something. Finally the nurse came back and i asked for "The strongest thing that she could give me that wasn't narcotic"- the only thing they had ordered was tylenol (besides opiate things that give me migraines- i assume they figured I'd take them anyway if the pain was bad enough, not understanding how severe my migraines get). I asked for an ice pack and the tylenol, and asked about NSAIDS. Within an hour they had me on scheduled NSAID injection again. This was the worst pain day i had- i hit an 8/10 of pain, but most days i was no more than a 6/10 at its worst. By the end of the zoom call, from maybe 11am to noon, i was not able to focus or watch the screen. i followed along with my ears but i really wasn't paying too much attention. The leader told me it was okay and my preceptor would catch me up. I napped. at some point they turned my epidural completely off, but the pain didn't get worse from the morning. By that evening, i ws feeling a lot better. Parker showed up about dinner time, and again, my bed was soaked. i got up, sat in the chair, and walked for quite some time (in the room only). As long as i had access to ice and stayed on the tylenol and NSAID i was doing fine. Starting in the evening, i began asking about switching to the oral NSAID i would be going home on but all the nurses kept telling me "i don't know." My IV went bad overnight, so i didn't get any NSAID from about 11pm on. In the morning, thursday, they told me i would probably go home if i felt up for it, and I asked yes, please, and if I could get the first dose of my oral NSAID asap, since it had been so long. Anesthesia removed my epidural catheter and said I had no activity restrictions so shortly after that, I got up and began to pack, got washed up, and changed into street clothes. I didn't realize it, but the catheter was pinching in my spine, and as soon as that was out, the feeling of a pinched nerve in my back went away immediately. (I always have back pain so I always ignore it. i thought it was from sleeping on the bad hospital bed). As I'm up in the chair, I'm able to manage my own catheter, which means that the leaking from my SP site was a lot less (no back-flow in the tube). I still had a bunch of padding gauze in my pants around my surgery site, but minimal to no drainage from the incisions so i really didn't feel like i needed it. They sent me home with an unbelievable amount of dressing supplies. I was out of the hospital and home by probably 1pm on Thursday. They told me that someone would be calling me to schedule my followup, but by 4pm nobody had so i sent them a message via the MyChart app. That evening, i even had energy to go for a walk around the neighborhood and check out little shops. We ended up doing maybe 2 miles, slowly. Things are still very swollen at this point, bruised. I'm icing basically until the last pack melts and putting a new pack on. Friday, still no call for an apt but I was lazy and didn't follow up. i honestly don't remember what we did this day. one of these days, we walked 3.6 miles but the next day i was EXHAUSTED and everything down below was more sore and swollen so i had an enforced home day. I still never had severe pain, mostly staying around a 2/3 with spikes to a 6. Sunday, i realized that i'd been peeing a bit out of my urethra when i had

BMs, not intentionally, but it felt involuntary. It felt like there was a collection of urine there that if i didn't evacuate i wouldn't be able to turn my mind away from, so i sent them an email to let them know that i was peeing small amounts. they said that's normal/okay, and that if i needed to, what additional measures i could use to manage my bowels (they were already quite soft so that wasn't part of the issues). Over the weekend, also, my surgical bruising continued up from my scrotum and 'fupa' area, all the way to the SP catheter site before it started to recede and turn yellow-green again. this is a normal part of healing. On, Monday i finally called because i still didn't have a follow up apt, and they said the lady was out of the office and would call on Tuesday. that i "might" get an apt this week (my one week follow up might be within 10 days of surgery, but might not) but she couldn't guarantee. Tuesday the other lady called and did schedule it for the next Wednesday (10 days after surgery). On the follow up apt, he looked, and said things were healing great. "whatever you've been doing, keep doing it." There are "flaps" on either side of my scrotum, pieces that used to be part of my upper labia, that still look labial in nature. he reports that with time these generally soften and become more like part of the scrotum, but if I'm not satisfied by the time it's time to insert the implants at stage 2, he can revise the flaps. They'd already gone down a lot since surgery by that point, and by the time of writing, they're continuing to go down. He did note one part- at the base of my UL/top of my scrotoplasty that looked moist. i don't know if it was from dripping urine or seeping blood, but he said to keep something there to absorb. For the last week, i have been and i note that it's mostly urine leaking. I keep the catheter empty so i don't know why it's leaking so much- it doesn't seem like a fistula- when i intentionally void, it doesn't seem that it's leaking from this area, but rather coming from the tip only, but that there is frequent dripping from the tip. I didn't have continual incontinence that i was aware of previously (but with a vagina that stays constantly moist i can't be 100% certain- i do have issues with occasional rectal incontinence, and I've had multiple urinary procedures that could stress the area). Anyway, I'll just have to let things heal more. I'm satisfied for now, it's healing well. things are small but they are good, and they're better than they were. I'm loving having /nothing/ between my scrotum and my rectum- it's so silly to be excited over having a 'taint' but it's just so much better than what i had before. One final thought- a lot of the pain i had was from the v-nectomy. The best way i can describe it was if you've ever had an uncomfortable tampon in. you can't shift to sit in a better position, and it's kind of burning-sticking inside. kegals make it worse, having a full bladder makes it worse. it's a lot better now, 2 weeks later. if you're getting pain like this, just wait it out. it'll get better.

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Okay it's 4 days post-op. I was discharged from the hospital yesterday and I walked 2.6 miles today. I hope I didn't overdo it.

Here's the rundown. (Long post, catching up the last 4 days)

I can't take narcotic /opiate pain killers due to all of them giving severe migraine. My surgeon was aware of this and he said it wouldn't be an issue, we would rely on other meds and the anesthesia/pain management team would be on board. I had a list of recommended options from the American Society of Pain Management Nurses and I Brought it to both my pre-op apt and my surgery day. When I talked to the anesthesia on surgery day he was totally agreeable and said he understood, he gets migraines too. They put me out without any, and I learned I got ketamine while I was asleep. Secretly, I was hoping for this because of all the positive after effects of ketamine for chronic pain, depression and anxiety, but that's a side topic. The surgery lasted about 4 hours.

I woke up and the pain wasn't too bad. I had an epidural- my right leg was basically dead to the world. I couldn't lift it or feel it, except my big toe- but my left one was okay, no weakness or anything. They guessed the epidural catheter was laying too much to the right. As the day went on, the anesthesia wore off and I was able to sit on the bedside, leaning off my genitals and onto the side of my left thigh and later, stand using one leg, for about 10 minutes. I was able to lock my right knee and place weight on it, but I couldn't move the leg with weight on it- the knee would instantly buckle.

I was also constantly using ice for pain control besides the epidural, and my bed kept getting wet, assuming from the ice leaking, but the nurses/aids were all so busy and didn't seem too concerned so I just kept covering the wet areas with blankets, etc. My pain control was great! 0-2 this day, mostly because of the after-effects of the anesthesia and the epidural bolus- everything was numb.

Day 1 post-op (Tuesday)

The anesthesia started wearing off more and I was beginning to be able to move my right leg more. The pain came after that, maybe as high as a 6. The epidural had a "bolus" setting so by pushing the button to get an extra dose I could manage it mostly, with the ice. Around 9am the pain was getting worse even with the boluses so I told the nurse who said she'd be back. I waited, she didn't come, I told the aide who said she'd get the nurse. She never came. It was constantly climbing from a 6-7-8 so I pushed the button after 10 am. I had tried everything- getting on my hands and knees to relieve pressure, pillow under my hips and between my legs, one leg on the side rail. Nothing helped.

The nurse came and asked which med I wanted and I said the strongest thing that wasn't narcotic (because of the migraines). The only thing ordered that wasn't was two regular strength Tylenol. So much for my several month long careful planning about pain control. I assume they assumed I would take the other stuff if the pain got bad enough. I got ice and Tylenol and asked her to call for IV nsaid medication called toradol (like a very strong ibuprofen). They got that ordered for me later that day and that made a big difference. Later that day, I was able to get up to the chair because my right leg was more functional- I found out if I sat half cross-legged on my left leg, it let my genitals "dangle" and be without pressure and I could sit mostly in my right hip. I also stood for about 20 minutes and marched at the side of the bed. It felt so good to get up.

One thing I realized when I got up- the "leaking" of the ice bags was actually leaking around the catheter- I was laying mostly in a pool of my own pee. I wiped down some, and got a gown change, got them to put a "puppy pad" on the hospital bed and was able to convince them to change the dressing around the catheter more to keep the urine off the incisions. I still had a wet gown when I woke up in the morning but it was a lot better than this day. To date this was the "worst" day.

(I'm tired so I'll update day 3+4 later)

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I'm laying in the hotel room, 4 hours before I leave for my bottom surgery. I have been mia here for many reasons, the main one is grad school. I'm off school and work for the next 6-8 weeks, so I anticipate I can update this page a bit in the next little while, and talk about what's been going on, if tumblr Is a place we're still hanging out.

I really don't know how active this place is any more, if I have any followers left, or if everyone has moved to different media. But it's actually happening.

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https://whoneedssexed.com/post/626718741449834496/httpsdrivegooglecomfiled16ct5nkcp3rhf-uksa this person right here, this is good people

Under the cut, a link to a very extensive, very recent (but medical-language) report about bottom surgeries for trans masculine folks including multiple (graphic, surgical) pictures and endstage results. There are a lot of misconceptions about what can and cannot happen with bottom surgery, complications, and results.

I don't know when I'll be back if the link doesn't work I've linked it from my Google drive so I'm not certain if it will.

If it doesn't, You may be able to find it with a Google search for "Minerva urology and nephrology June 2020" but I don't know if it's behind a paywall.

Read in good health.

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IM  BACK

But not really Just wanted to mention i have had my most recently with my urological surgeon, and i’ve got my unofficial official surgery date for march! it’s coming up. i just need to hear back from my insurance to  make it officially official.  (should happen this week).  the insurance has already told me they will cover it and sent me to this surgeon, so it SHOULD go off without a hitch, but i’m preparing for a fight.  

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Happy Pride, ya’ll

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TDoV is March 31

International Trangender Day of Visibility Remember that this is a day dedicated to celebrating transgender people and raising awareness of discrimination faced by them worldwide. SPREAD THE LOVE

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I love working at joann fabrics today a guy asked me to show him the fake fur and when I did he goes “noooo… this won’t do” and part of my job is giving advice for projects so I asked him what he was using it for and he looks down at the floor and quietly says “… I wanna make a yeti costume to scare people with when we go skiing…”

#it's me

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People Are Sharing Pics Of Their Long Cats That Seem To Stretch ‘Til Infinity.