secretlyshamelessllama

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As an Adoptee....the holidays are hard....

and they don’t get easier.

I want to be with all my family.

The things that stop me are: 1. guilt 2. loyalty 3. internal conflict 4. external conflict 5. nervousness

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*Winter Wonderland*

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Surgery and graduations don't mix...

So I had my surgery 2 days ago now. And one thing I know about me is I don't know the meaning of a break. I have been in an intensive 3 month culinary school and last night was graduation so if course I drove in at noon so I could help prep things. Cutches and kitchens DO NOT mix. I was chopping things for a while, then I was back by the stoves cooking. Come the end of the night I had already taken two pain pills and I was loopy as fuck. My foot was tingling because I hadnt had it elevated at all the whole day. So if course at night when I got home I barely made it up the stiars. Today I called in and said I couldn't help out. One I slept in slightly so I would have been late and second my foot was still in a world of hurt. And now I think I'm stuck upstairs... I'm so glad I have guests over for a few days...

#surgery #graduation #culinary adventures #culinary #school #culinary school

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Surgery...

I’m going in for surgery in a few… and I’ve psyched myself out so much, I don’t know why I’ve never been this way before… maybe it’s cause I’ve found the love of my life

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Adoptees question for you

What could your adoptive parents have done to help you heal from the loss of your birth family (due to relinquishment) or trauma from being placed for adoption?

#adoptees #adoption questions #adoption

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[Yes, I’m adopted. Yes, I’m pro-choice. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. #prochoiceadoptees #StandWithPP]

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I'm an adoptee. I'm happy to be adopted. I am grateful for my parents. I feel no connection to my birth parents. I'm sorry you're hurting. But your birth mom chose adoption for a reason. She cares about you. I don't know why you feel that your mother "gave you away" as if you are kind of a thing. It's important to understand regardless her situation, in the end, she did it for the greater good.

My birth mom did give me away. I’m not happy to be adopted. I hate adoption. How is giving your child away caring? I love my birth family. I would rather be with them. 

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Life

I've been so busy the last few months. My intensive culinary school is coming to an end. While it makes me sad I also feel so happy that I finally learned that I need to follow my dreams and make me happy. And part of making me happy was finally putting an end to my toxic relationship I was in. I feel so much happier with out him. He would make me feel so guilty for following my dreams. I'm an adoptee finally taking control of my life. It is not my job to mold myself into something that make my adoptive family happy. I'm not going to be a lawyer or a doctor. I'm going to be a chef. I won't let anyone make me feel guilty for living my life.

#Chef #culinary school #dreams #passion #adoption #adoptee life #life

[secretlyshamelessllama]

Because let me buy you a book sounds way classier than let me buy you a drink.

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“Couple suffered two adoption losses.”

Hmmm…ok, let’s clear a few things up.

What “Adoption Loss” IS: 

1. When a child is separated from their family of origin and given/sold to strangers resulting in a lifetime of grief and physical, mental, social and relational symptoms of trauma for that child. 

2. When a child is separated from their family of origin and given/sold to strangers resulting in a lifetime of grief and physical, mental, social and relational symptoms of trauma for the original parents and family of origin. 

What “Adoption Loss” IS NOT:

1. When you didn’t get your baby.

2. When a child is able to stay with their family of origin. 

This is where we land as a society when the entire focus of adoption gets successfully shifted from finding homes for children who really actually legitimately need them, to supplying childless people with babies. Now, THEY are the ones experiencing Adoption Loss. Amazing. 

Prospectives: I understand you have feelings about your quest to be parents and some of them are tough, but here’s the deal: If you cared more, or even as much, about the best interests of the child, the needs of the child, or the future of the child, as you did about your own very specific desires for a womb-fresh infant to call your own, then you might find yourselves feeling joy for a child who gets to stay with their family of origin instead of getting saddled with a lifetime of what Adoption Loss really is. Try it out, give it a whirl.  

P.S. 250K kids in foster care available for adoption at this very minute that super legit need homes. 

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Life is hard, but I will relax. Gaza

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Attachment Disorder Testimony

*anonymous submission*

I was born in a hospital in Moscow, Russia in January 1994. However, I was abandoned a few days after I was born. My genetic parents had left the hospital, leaving me behind. I was put on the doorstep of an orphanage and later adopted when I was 8 months old. The orphanage was overcrowded and understaffed.

Scientists say the first two years of a child’s life are crucial for developing a healthy bond, and hitting important growing up milestones. To put my first year into perspective, I missed about 66% of my first year of life. If you look at a doctor timeline, I missed about 3 stages (0-2 months, 2-4 months, 4-6 months, 6-8 months) for important mile stone growths in that first year. Some important specific ones in relationship to a Caregiver: recognizing the voice, showing a preference for a Caregiver, stranger anxiety, and reaches out for a Caregiver. Since I missed out on these, they’re likely the reason I’ve always had anxiety around strangers and didn’t get decent self esteem until I was half way through high school (not blossoming more until college might I add).

I was told from the very beginning that I was adopted. When I was very young, I wore it like a badge of honor. I was honestly proud of it. My adoptive parents treated me well and loved me like their own daughter. I didn’t full grasp and understand the meaning of the word “adoption”.

It wasn’t until I was a teen that things started to not feel all rainbows and flowers with my adoptive parents. I found myself having crying fits. I was wanting to know more about my past. I wanted to know my heritage. The perfect word to describe this is kaiho, a word that means “state of involuntary solitude in which the subject feels incompleteness and yearns for something unattainable or extremely difficult and tedious to attain”.

I learned my genetic parents left all fake information. My surname was equivalent to a Jane Doe type name. The address they left at the hospital, well, the building didn’t even exist.

Through DNA testing I discovered that I’m mostly eastern European, followed by Indian, then middle Eastern, and I have a tiny bit of very east Russia in me (Yakut). My top possible countries in my DNA are Romania and Russia. This caught me by surprise because I was always told I was all Russian.

Through messaging other individuals and joining adoptee social groups, I discovered I very likely have Roma in me. They were a nomadic group of individuals (forced by the government due to dirty lying and scapegoating by the government). You may know them as gypsies (please erase this word from your vocabulary though, it’s not a nice word to use).

I speak of my own journey because while I was getting more pieces of the puzzle put together, there still was a lot missing. The closest relative I possibly found was my 2nd cousin (aka grandmother’s sibling’s child). Close, but not quite there. I learned that one or both of my genetic parents were likely Roma living, and thus, were VERY secretive. They knew the government didnt like them and they did everything in their power to remain out of reach of them. I can understand why they did that, but it causes hell for the children trying to find family ties.

I spoke to other adoptees and foster care individuals. Many (I’d say around 30-40 responses between everyone and everywhere I asked) said they always felt like they didn’t quite belong in the family, especially if their adoptive parents never told them they were adopted.For myself, I noticed similar things in my pre teen and teen years.

Its amazing the common traits among the adoptee community, especially adoptees who come from outside of the States. I know that kaiho follows me daily. I have trust issues and fickle severe social anxiety, even with my friends and loved ones.

With my adoptive parents, I feel a facade. Smile for the picture, feign affectionate hugs. It’s no fault of my parents. They tried to be good, despite some serious issues going on with their own emotional well being (and myself enduring sibling abuse). My fiance I can honestly say is the only romantic and serious relationship that ive had a genuine connection with, even past boyfriend’s was a fake connection.i tricked myself into thinking I was in love with my exes when really I was just playing the part of “what a girlfriend should do” because of my autophobia (fear of bring abandoned).

I am writing this in hope adoptive parents, foster parents, and possibly adoptees find more connection points and points of understanding. Foster and adoptive parents (especially those with attachment disorders with their kids) will often stomp out their voice, refusing them to be heard. It’s always “us vs them” which is a toxic relationship just waiting to explode. This is a story for another day, however. I am writing this in hopes to give those kids a voice.

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Oh I just watched this the other day, it is very well done. And very depressing to see people trying to control women's rights...

You can stream TRAPPED, a documentary about abortion laws in the US, for free on PBS.com until July 21.

Some highlights:

TRAP regulations in one clinic require them to have a complete pharmacy of drugs on hand that always expires because they never use them. It costs the clinic $1100 a month to replace them.

They’re also required to have oxygen machines on the walls that they have literally never used.

One physician spends $1 million building a new facility after his state passed a TRAP law saying abortion providers must have one-story buildings, only for legislators to pass another law saying he can’t be within 2000 feet of a school (the exact distance his new clinic is away from a school).

Because hospital admitting privileges often require a certain number of admissions, and abortion is an incredibly safe procedure, providers aren’t able to admit enough patients to keep the privileges, and so they have to close down–for being too safe.

Just a heads up: at one point, the documentary talks about a child rape victim. They’re forced to turn away a 13-year-old rape victim who made a four-hour trip to be there.

“May the fetus you save turn out to be a gay abortion provider.”

One woman rigs the sprinkler system to ward off protestors and it’s hilarious.

I recommend watching the whole thing, it’s really good.

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