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what a day!
19/10/2022
2:24AM
my day:
830-1130 am: bioinfo cal
1145-1245: last mbbt lecture w dr chitra
did eye test w yoomin for world sight dya. paid 10 ringgit. power on R eye -3.50 L -3.50
sent a pic to khaloosy
got word that abang got into accident
went home to b with tok
left to hospital with tok, pakngah makngah picked tok up from there. leaving to kedah tomorrow. got follow up appt.
spent my time at the hospital until like 630pm
ate the shitttiest carbinara pasta. not sure how u passed culinary school wiht that babes im so sorry.
nasi goreng was bomb as shit tho.
anyways. tired and sad and depressed and hate life hate myself dont wanna b here anymore i feel like a failure, i am a failure, i wish i was better in every way possible to not just myself but my friends and family and coworkers and bosses. i just wish i wasnt me.
hospitals can b triggering for me.
cried over eveyrhting and anything when we got home earlier. particularly, harry. god knows what and why but i suddenly thought about him. read bits of our texts, has it been half a year........
pounding headache and shit so i put my phone on airplane mode and turned off my laptop and slept it off. woke up at 2am.
woke up to texts from khaloosy. he figured i had slept early. he knew about today.
my dear khaloosy.
someone i genuinely like but cant let in bc it'll only hurt the both of us.
yet, i still keep him ard out of fear of losing him??? but at the same time i dont know how to end things.
i could go on and on about him. first boy i told my parents about.
he is THAT special.
but were only meant to fall apart.
maybe in another universe.
ill update on here once and if i do end things with him.
wish me luck, mentally and physically.
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No Amelias, no harrys.
Couldn’t find the slightest ounce of emotion towards them.
It’s i_ _ _ _ s atm.
Completely different and as much as I like him, I’m somewhat holding back
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Amelia texted this morning. I’ve been too busy. I’m too busy. And it’s Harry that I miss.
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damn.. a new low. felt like ranting to amelia. texted them, and it was one tick. thought i got blocked lol. turns out on train ride back to st pete. didnt feel like ranting anymore. told them ill talk when theyve settled down. but they said theyd rather talk to me which was rly kind lol so i jokingly said fine, ill go on a rant to fill the rest of ur train ride and they said yes BUT i feel so bad... and i no longer want to talk about it ykwim
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had work today. got in at 10:33am and saw that dr wong was standing at a ladder, whilst soembody was climbing it. i exchanged shifts with rose this week so i though it was a technician fixing smth. noooooo. turns out we have a new staff member, her name's Nana. she started on monday so today was only her 3rd day.
we have a rat infestation in the clinic. the ladder ckimbing was to get the traps down. low and behold, 4 rats on one trap. went to another vent, 1 alive rat. freaked out that it was alive. semi-screamed for dr wong to come and take it cuz i genuinely was about to pass out.
work was fun today. it really was. one of my favouritest days yet.
went to watsons bandar puteri afterwards. bought necessities but damages done was... might get a scolding.
also, im going to cut my hair and dye it pastel blue before our ipoh trip, before friday.
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week 2 of year 2
bro so weve been having never ending mpu meetings and uhhh we're executing it this weekend... 13-14th august 2022. has it been this long since we had started planning omg.
anyways, todays f2f meeting in particular was pretty fun. after yesterdays shenanigan after our pbl and slight miscommunication where Kepas thought the girlies were trying to help me confess to him....yeah i thought today would be a bit awkward btwn him and i. cuz it was momentarily yday lol. but today... we were closer than ever does that make sense?
idk back in sem 2 we were pretty.. we were friendly but like thered be distance n all like propoer big gap ig. but now, were much friendlier.
but one thing ive realised right, we tend to make eye contact a lot and id catch him looking at me multiple times. but the thing is he doesnt like immediately look away whenever i catch him so idk if mans is just zoning out or what. but also, whenever i catch him looking at me... what does that say about me cuz mf im stealing glances at u too LMFAo
also, my fav thing is how he says my name. new addition, i think eversince he hung out more with gorjas, he's also started calling me mai sometimes. regardless, i like how he says my name.
also we took a break earlier during the meeting and we went to the convenience store together, yoomin eventually came but theres that.
and then there was that whole ordeal about the groupings for media literacy....
anyways, i have work tomorrow as i only have one physical class and attendance isnt compulsaroy.. slightly regretting it cuz i actually have a lot to do before we go on our trip. and we r leaving on friday. friday mornign i have to go to the embassy. and immediately after, we're heading to perak. gg lah.
gonna try get a bit of stuff done tonight. i took a nap after i got home earlier.
work starts at 1030-6pm. heading to ioi afterwards to grab some stuff from the durgstore and im alsio gonna get more bleach n hair dye to commemerate getting over haziq fully (cuz i dont feel anything at ALL anymore, in a postive way! like i dont get sad, i dont pond over what ifs, i dont contempalte texting him, sad songs dont sound sad anymore) and to commeratrre pu rholiday, and the start of year 2. thinking of goin blue but maybe plum red purple ???
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i cant stop thinking of the touch of his hands. so much comfort for such a random hold.
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Tried to talk to others. But they weren’t you, and that, is the problem.
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You’ve been on my mind for much too long and this yearning feeling, in truth, makes me ill.
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I wasted so much time on you.
Time I should’ve used to prioritise my self, my studies.
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Feel like shit.
Went back on tinder despite wanting to stay off of it until after Ramadan.
Haven’t been a good worshipper either.
Failing in all aspects of life.
No sense of hope.
No sense of wanting to see another day.
Everyday just feels the same.
Same loop.
Same cycle.
Same feelings.
I don’t know how to break it.
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We haven’t spoken in a week. I’m fine I’m not like heartbroken or anything. It kinda just feels like any other day but with a sense of yearning.
A week of me posting on my stories lol and seeing whether he’s viewed them. A week of him not texting me back. Which again, is fine. We’re living our own lives. He has things to do. I have things to do.
But he uploaded insta stories today. Went to a tulip farm. Pretty place. Kinda wished he had texted me randomly of him being there.
I guess this whole ghosting thing is indefinite then. But somehow we’re both still lurking ard eo socials?
I personally can’t bring myself to block him. I wanna know if he’s doing ok lol bodoh kan I?
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Don’t have the physical or mental capacity to talk to him but I miss talking to him
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Crazy how I stopped talking to syafiq cuz I wanted to talk to haziq but then found out they went to the same school and the last thing syafiq asked me was which school I went to (never replied cuz I stopped using tinder/replying to dms when haziq and I started speaking for a bit and eventually stopped using tinder once we exchanged numbers loooool). But anyways, ya so now I know that this dudes mum is super into hiking, he was a prefect at school, very into football, got older sis who he posts on insta for bday every year, him and his siblings all have sya in their names, to name a few of the things I’ve found out about him, despite never exchanging socials— all just pure coincidence hahaha.
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Girllllllllllllllll was it shaytan all along bc yeah I missed him and it was nice talking to him again but my feelings aren’t the same as it was pre ramadan
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Saw a tiktok about liking a guy yeedee yadda but him still giving u the ick jsjsjsjsj
Not sure what I make of it but we started talking again, after 3 days cuz I forgot to reply 💀💀 and though it’s only been LITERALLY one text, it feels nice. Idek in what sense I’m connected to him by but rasa mcm safe space ni, kinda.
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