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Here we are once again. Mother's day.

I do not like mother's day. I love the idea of an appreciation day for mothers because they have such an important role in their children's lives. I just didn't/don't have a good relationship with mine. We fought, butted heads, and just generally didn't get along. Fuck. We still don't. After the abuse and trauma she has put me through, how she made me have to grow up so quickly and learn things I wish I didn't have to, never supported me in anything I did, I hold a lot of resentment towards her. I'm working on that. It's a process.

It's not just my own mother that makes me dislike this day so much anymore. Now I'm part of a blended family. I am raising kids that are not my own like they are my own. I'm not stepmom. I'm "dad's girlfriend." I feel so out of place. Like I don't belong here sometimes. When do I get my appreciation day? When do I get noticed for all the things I do? I don't want to sound ungrateful or selfish but I feel as though I deserve a day too. My day can't be mother's day or I'll step on toes. Can't be stepmothers day because I'm not a stepmom. Im just here. To be honest, I don't even know how the kids view me. Am I a parental figure? Am I a friend? Or am I seen more like how an aunt is viewed? I've lived in this house for almost 2 years and still don't know where I stand.

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Growing up, I was always the toughest person in my group. I was the mean friend. I was the one everyone would ask to help them with a bully. My parents taught me to stand up for myself and not take shit from anyone. I always feel more masculine than my female friends and I guess that started from a young age. Standing in the position of "protector." Protecting myself from the traumas at home, protecting my dad from hitting the bottom too hard, protecting my mom from herself.

Since becoming the blended unit we are now, I'm finding that I am still the protector but in a more feminine role. A softer approach than just aggression. I will still protect my family in any way, let's not think I won't, but I've learned it's better to do it with poise. Being a more feminine self is a hard transition. Teaching the kids lessons that I only learned when I started healing. Explaining to them, in a gentler tone, that being mean and nasty doesn't get you anywhere. It may seem like you won, but fear is not the way to communicate.

I'm not sure why I allow the children's biological mother say the things she does about me in front of them, to them, to the man. I wasn't raised like that. I never allowed someone to disrupt my peace like she has. Maybe it's because without her, I wouldn't have the family I have. I wouldn't have the honor to be part of their lives. I wouldn't be able to show him the love and respect that he deserves. To a point, I respect her. But only to a point. I want to yell, and scream and curse her out to no end. That won't help anything. That will fuel her fire. I think I let her be nasty because in the end, it isn't about me. It isn't about her. It's about the kids. It's about making sure they are taken care of. Their needs are met. They are supported, physically, mentally, emotionally. We are raising little (or not so little) adults.

I will go out kicking and scream to ensure they don't become what she is. I will take all the shit, all the name calling, all the recurring arguments, all the "I'm not comfortable with..." All of it. To make sure the girl doesn't hold hate in her heart, isn't in fight or flight all the damn time, feels safe to talk to an adult about things. To make sure the boy feels safe to have emotions, doesn't feel the need to protect the adults in his life, respects women. I need both of them to understand what it means to truly love in a healthy way. Not just their partners or friends or family, but to love themselves most of all.

#blended family #stepmom #love #children

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William P. Welsh - Burlesque Queen (1941)

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Reblog if you support male body positivity.

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via weheartit

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Till the darkness fades away by Justinas 

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via weheartit

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"I don't want to be your friend..." 

You misunderstood the words just as they came out of my mouth. I could see the hurt in your eyes but I could not deny the truth that beat in them. How can you ask me that? How can I look into your eyes and pretend nothing happened between us. It's not fair of you to ask that of me and I would be a masochist to oblige. I want to kiss you, touch you, burn in your arms. I am not strong enough to see you without remembering what all of that felt like. You know it's all or nothing with me. There is more between us than mere friendship and you are a fool to deny us that. Should I suffer because you deny us the truth of what we are? But sadly,  you turned away before I could say, "…..because we are so much more than just that." 

e.v.e

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Poems & Words

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Its been a hot minute. Things have changed. I'm really working on heal in a healthy way. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm experiencing the uncomfortable. Physically by working out regularly which is crazy to think about. Mentally by well working out and doing it around others and showing my body by wearing the crop tops and just a sports bra and bike short combo. Stretching and tapping into those spaces that make you feel things. Feel them and continue on.

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“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

— William C. Hannan

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I’m laying here in bed listening to the rain. I’m thinking about how we haven’t experienced thunderstorms together. Or just heavy rain and that kind of makes me sad. Days like today are one of my favorite days. It’s kinda cool, well for March it’s warm, and it’s raining steady and and there’s wind that blows through the open window and the smell of earth flows over me. It’s almost healing. To have you in bed, just laying with me, feeling each others body against one another, playing with each other’s hands, looking at each other in a way that tells me “you’re mine” without having to speak. It’s the moments like this that mean the most.

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via weheartit

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Fairy tale woodland in west Dorset (@thewildwoodmoth IG)