recoveryandsurvival95
Bravery Comes in Many Different Ways
26 ftm trying to survive, currently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bi polar type, borderline personality disorder and complex ptsd. I'm hoping that posting some stuff about feelings can help, and maybe make others feel better too. Asks and submissions are welcome! I am also not a professional in anyway, I only look to help others and myself feel a bit better. Each day, is another day of recovery and survival.
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I just told my mom that I was sexually abused.
Turns out I was never supposed to be left alone with my abuser. Turns out, he was perverted with his sons on numerous occasions and he had been violent before towards his wife(my sitter). This information sits inside of me now. Knowing that I never stood a chance to begin with.
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Abused Child
signs you were / are an abused child
you’re told you’re more mature than your peers
alternatively, you’re told you’re akin to a 5 year old with your emotions. there’s no in-between
you flinch when anyone raises their hands or voice
you find more happiness in cartoon characters than peers or family
you hate social gatherings
you hide food in your room
you have intrusive thoughts about abusing others or yourself
you think you’re a horrible person
“my parents are abusive... but they’re good people! I promise!”
you were told you’re a troublesome child for reacting to your abuse
you internalize all your emotions
you find yourself dealing with substance abuse
your best friend is the internet
all you heard from your parents were insults
you gravitate to self-harm during any disagreement
you think you’re a liar... Even when you’re telling the truth
you don’t take care of yourself hygiene wise
you hate pictures of yourself and your family
you had no friends growing up
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Had a pretty intense episode yesterday. Sometimes when I get this way I have to write out what my voices who are screaming at me. If I don't write out what they're saying my episode becomes an explosion. So I express them like this. When I become like this, I can't move, I can't speak and even afterwards I find it very hard to speak. They're very mean when I have episodes like this. But usually things get quiet after.
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bpd things
money? yeah, you’re gonna spend it all on useless things like excessive amounts of food and clothes in hope of making yourself feel better. then you’ll regret it five minutes later
you hate yet love everyone and everything. hate. love. hate. love. it’s a never ending, exhausting cycle of intense emotions. there’s no in between
someone doesn’t respond to your message in ten minutes? it’s time to make dramatic assumptions. do they suddenly hate you? are they dead?
you’re slightly inconvenienced? it’s time to commit suicide
all your relationships fail and you just can’t seem to figure out why
you feel like everyone is the same. you see the same pattern over and over again in your relationships and your friends
you feel happy for once? well guess what, in about seven minutes you’ll feel like throwing yourself into traffic because Johnny didn’t want to share his pencil with you
nothing is worse than the overbearing feeling of emptiness that follows you daily and haunts you like a ghost
you’re constantly angry. just the idea of someone breathing in your vicinity is infuriating
baths? did you mean: self-harm hours?
everyone is against you including yourself
who is that in the mirror? is that me? Why do I look like that? I can’t recognize myself
i’m sorry, what did you say? repeat yourself again. and again. sorry, i didn’t hear you. again. repeat yourself for the fifth time, i wasn’t paying attention i guess
you’re useless unless you’re perfect
therapy? no
oh, is that a character I relate to? let me obsess over them for the next nine months
you’re the most evil and horrible person you know, yet simultaneously the most pure and naïve person you know
you feel like the devil when you say no to someone
how about I split on my best friend for the eighth time today for absolutely no reason!
am I abusive? am I like my abusers?
they said something that seemed weird to me… are they going to leave me? Is this the end? Is this all there is? Should I leave them? Maybe I’ll just disappear
you hardly remember anything from before the age of 10
nothing is real. we’re all going to die. nothing matters.
maybe if I get high I won’t overthink everything!
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