readingislifelol

[readingislifelol]

It's so hard to be a good person when everyone is making it so hard

[readingislifelol]

Sometimes it feels like it would be better if I just stopped talking to everyone.

There'd be no one to keep happy and no one to disappoint. I wouldn't have to feel like it's my job to make sure every single person is included and always has someone.

I wouldn't feel like a horrible person right now for telling more than one friend I'd sit with them when I can only sit with one person and neither of them have someone else and I don't want them to think I prefer one over the other. One of them is top five of my closest friends and I would love to sit beside her because we always have so much to talk about. The other is a friend of mine that I've grown away from but was there for me during the worst year of my life and I told her I'd sit with her first.

I wouldn't feel like a horrible person for having a crush on someone and not knowing how to act around my crush because I don't know if they hate me or like me or wish I would leave them alone or enjoy my company. And they won't tell me but the signals are very mixed. I just want a clear answer.

I wouldn't feel like a horrible person for ignoring my friends and family when I'm in a bad mood and frustrated with myself for not appreciating what I have more often.

This would all be so much easier if I had no one. And I'd be just as lonely so I probably wouldn't even notice. No one else would notice either, I'm sure.

[readingislifelol]

I don't understand why my brain has to make me hate existing so much when being alive is my favorite thing ever.

[readingislifelol]

I wish I could peel my skin off. I don't like how it feels against my body. I know it's keeping me together and I need it but it's uncomfortable and I just want to get out of it.

[readingislifelol]

I genuinely don't believe I'm capable of dying. I've always thought this and up until recently I thought it was normal. I can't imagine a world where I actually die. And I can't comprehend why people fear death. The worst that happens is it hurts for a few minutes and then you don't exist. But that doesn't matter because you have no way of knowing you don't exist because well.....you won't exist. I can't remember a time where I was afraid of death or saddened by the idea of it. I also can't remember a time where I was conscious, besides now. Now I think I'm so conscious it almost cancels itself out. It's like when your hands are so cold they feel hot.

[readingislifelol]

I hate that I was brought into a world where I can't control anything. Some days I can't even control my own thoughts. And I never got a choice. It's either this or die. Neither of those are very good options. Though the latter is starting to look better every day.

[readingislifelol]

I think I project how I feel onto other people and I realized that I'm my least favorite type of person

[readingislifelol]

I hate going to other people for help because I know they'd never come to me so it feels one-sided. I always end up feeling guilty for showing the smallest amount of just feelings in general even when they tell me I can talk to them.

[readingislifelol]

I don't understand how I can go from feeling so horrible I actually become a danger to myself to feeling so amazing and thinking about how stupid it was to feel bad to hating everyone and everything to feeling absolutely nothing in the span of less than hour. Surely that's not healthy.

[readingislifelol]

You have no idea how hard it is to have my phone on do not disturb mode all day and not having a single notification when I turn it off

[readingislifelol]

What's the opposite of being burnt out? Whatever that is, I'm it.

So lonely I could die. Craving even the smallest amount of human interaction to the point where all someone has to do is bump into me in the hallways, they don't even have to apologize. If they just acknowledge that I'm there it's enough. Telling everyone I'm exhausted and complaining about everything because that's the only time people talk to me even though I have so much mental energy and love life more than anything. Accepting less than the bare minimum because that's what I think I deserve. Being embarrassed when I actually say more than one sentence to someone because I'm not used it. Not knowing how to react when someone else says something to me because I always talk first.

[readingislifelol]

Sometimes I feel like the comedic relief. Then I remember that I'm not actually funny so I can't be. I tell myself I'm the mom friend but people don't come to me for help unless no one else was helpful. I pretend to be mentally exhausted from so much social interaction but I never go out and whenever someone invites me I have to say yes because I'm so lonely.

You know the audio, "you called." And the other person says, "you came."?

People always talk about how they wish they were the "you came" person but they're always going to be the "you called" person. I've been trying to decide which one I am. I don't think I'm either. No one ever calls me or texts me or even bothers starting conversations with me. I have no one to rescue or give advice to because no one has ever relied on me for those things. But I never call anyone else because I'm so afraid of being a burden or making them think I'm a waste of time. Plus whenever I have called someone, they don't come.

People only care about me when I tell them to and that is not fair. All I want is to be someone's first option. Someone's favorite person. I want just one person to, when in a room full of everyone they know, would look for me first. Everyone seems to have that person. The person that would search the world to find them and would even think about choosing to find someone else. I crave that connection with someone so deeply but I know I'll never get to experience that. I used to think it was a problem with my friends. But I think it's me. I think I'm the problem.

I hate saying it but I just know that it I died nothing would change. People would mourn me and probably cry. But no one would lose the one person they thought they could never live without. No one's life would actually be affected by my death. It simply wouldn't matter.

I have nothing to offer to the world and no one likes me enough to start a single conversation with me. Hell, they barely try to maintain the conversations I always start. I don't know who I am and every day I live just makes it harder to find reasons to keep myself from dying.

[readingislifelol]

I was changing so I had my door locked and I kept it locked so I could have literally ten minutes alone without someone coming to talk to me. My dad came to my door and banged on it. In the nicest way I could I said, "yeah?" To see if he was just telling me something quick and not an actual discussion. All he did was knock again. More annoyed I said, "what?". Keep in mind I was already having a hard time with overstimulation and dissociation.

He continues to bang on the door and says, "I don't speak through doors."

Okay? Then fucking don't? Like I'm sorry you can't tell me with a door that isn't even the same size as the wall in the way? It's not my fucking problem.

Anyways, I opened the door and he told me to do something. Whatever. Not why I'm mad. I said okay and closed the door because I was two seconds away from crying.

He walked away and said toh my mom, in an extremely annoyed voice, "she's mad because she had to get up."

Like stfu. Right now. This is why I don't talk to you.

First of all, don't tell me how I feel. You don't know. You would know if you asked and I actually trusted you with anything I say.

Fuck off.

[readingislifelol]

One thing I wish people understood is that I will respond immediately with no shame. I almost always have my phone by me and I don't mind taking a break for five seconds to reply to you. That being said, I do not expect you to reply to me that fast. If it's inconvenient or awkward for you and you need to wait a bit, you do that. I honestly don't care but I will respond as soon as I see your name pop up

[readingislifelol]

I feel replaceable. It's like it doesn't actually matter if I disappeared and no matter what I do people are fine without me. It feels like I'm contributing nothing to this world.

All my friends seem to be fine when they don't talk to me for days.

All my teachers barely even notice I'm there.

The people I work with would be fine without me.

My sister's can get themselves ready and sort themselves out without my help.

My parents make it obvious that all I do doesn't actually help them.

It feels like I'm just someone that's there. Someone that relies on everyone else. Someone that just causes problems and makes things harder for everyone.

I am replaceable.

#replaceable #tw depressing stuff #i don't matter #i hate it here

[readingislifelol]

You ever meet those people that are popular and well known because everyone hates them so much and they're usually the topic of conversation because they're such a horrible person?

[readingislifelol]

I was walking with someone around the hallways today. They went up to someone they've never talked to, whose backpack wasn't unzipped, said, "your backpacks unzipped" and walked away as if nothing happened.