privateshitgoddammit - Tumblr blog

privateshitgoddammit · 5 years

Text

hm its been a while since ive felt the need to vent to the open void of the internet. me and my bf were doing great. but idk the last like 10 times weve had sex he couldnt cum to save his life, then apologizes for being tired, and then makes me cum? idk i guess i should just be thankful that he isnt terrible. but its gotten boring and stale. he told me hes not really excited to see me when he gets home from work because he sleeps next to me every night. i can feel that hes not really excited and that we are just here doing our things together to get by until we reach the next step. he tells me that he loves me pretty often and does show some affection still. im not afraid that he would cheat on me or anything. but idk maybe we need to talk about it. things are getting hard again. i feel like were talking about our life less and less. you seem to be aggrevated at me, but i seem to do the same to you.

i hate this this stupid boi is in my head. the one that im not dating.... and i think thats part of my problem. he always knows when something is up with me at work. tells me that he hates seeing me not smile and that he feels the need to do something about it. makes me laugh in the right way and picks fun at me, and talks to me seriously when its needed. weve chatted numerous times off the clock about personal things while at work. we always have a great time together at work. got our own special fist bump that we do. we make each other laugh too hard at work. sometimes i really wonder how this boi sees me to him. other girls hes dated have been concerned about me and him working together. he knows that me and kelly are dating and that we have been and he would NEVER get inbetween us on purpose.

i just have never met someone to have my back so fuckin hard and for me to never have done anything to this guy for him to even treat me like that. LIKE BRO YOU GAVE ME YOUR FUCKING JOB. its like i kinda forgot what it was like working with you and seeing you. you make me feel some sorta way. i cant even deal. you make my heart flutter when i see you and that hurts my heart more than anything. i called into work saying i was sick and you send me a fucking donkey meme at 11pm calling yourself a jackass. you just tryna make me laugh at 11pm??? what on earth would influence you to do that at that time. dear god everytime you message me its at fucking night. what do you have a few drinks and then are just dying to talk to me.

you have messaged me soooo many times. and ive had to delete all of it because it makes me feel like garbage. because the messages in themselves are harmless in their words. but god the fluttering in my stomach and the obsessive thinking has got me concerned. its memes and messages, and it use to be real questions asking for real advice. you trust me in this weird deep realm. like idk i was totally okay talking to you and being real with you and being friends. and then i realized you werent gay. even though you said so numerous times. becuase like it made it where you are totall just my friend who is asking me advice. but idk i wasnt all convinced i just wanted to be because i think youre fucking nice. but you just kept getting nice and sweeter and then whoa all of a sudden youre talking to some girl.

idk do you just see me as one of the dudes but like not with a dick and not a dick. and thats why you talk to me. or do you actually like me to some degree. you obviously think about me and see things that remind you of me when im not around you. but idk youve told me some pretty ridiculous things. just like things that happen to him with great detail. just being very real, idk talking about his dick and vaginas and butts and feet and sex. idk he talks to me about him and his ladies. idk if he thinks i want to know these things or just that im not going to judge him for talking to me. idk its like usually weird circumstances and then he just wants to tell me about it. idk am i really that much of a femal friend. like i could literally be his best friend if he wanted a female best friend? idk he also heard how me and kelly got together and it gave him ideas becuase he has said that. but idk. will i ever know. prolly not. idk i might ask him one day. in all honesty i probably will because that just who i am.

idk if its the timing and that this is a test but wtf. kelly not giving me the attention that i want/need. and that boi giving me more attention that i even fucking asked for. its giving me the hardest time that ive had in a while. i love kelly but boi is giving me these feelings. i mean i would never fucking cheat on anyone because that is literally the worst. but talking to this boi sometimes almsot makes me feel like im cheating on kelly because of the feeling that i get when i see i have a message from him. boi is super cute and super funny and knows how to make me laugh. he makes me feel good about myself and gives me the right kind of compliments. ive been thinking about him a lot lately. and it seems to be that way every time after we work. he always does something or says something that makes it where just cant wait for our next interaction

idk am i becoming depressed because im realizing that the thing that is exciting me is the thing that would hurt my relationship the most. or is that the reason it excites me because im a sick motherfucker.

god fucking DAMMIT

#bruh #lmao nope

0 notes

privateshitgoddammit · 9 years

Text

He tends to call me by my name instead of homie. He also said he wants to get a bike so we can go on bike rides together. He's the cutest

0 notes

privateshitgoddammit · 9 years

Text

ive actually been pretty sad a lot lately. my best friend got a new boyfriend recently and my other friend got a new boyfriend as well. so once again i am stuck in singles world by myself with lots of weed. but the only thing is im almost out and i cant get ahold of anymore. ive had a midlife crisis recently and realzied that im an adult and i have grey hair. i wish i wasnt some emotionless robot but i cant find the place for love?in my heart. but maybe its also because i know that any circumstance involving that kind of thing would give me extreme anxiety and ive subconciously taught myself to just not even think of doing certain things that would put me in that position. sometimes its really hard for me to function and do certain things because i will simply not let myself because i know of the consequences. also all my friends are moving out with someone. and here i am, all alone. and if i even could move out. i would have no one to move out with. and i cant even fathom trying to go out and just meet people. that would be terribly sweaty. not to mention im suppose to try and decide what i want to do with my life, like go to school and get a better job and what not. like idek. i wanna save money and plan a trip more than anything. sigh. idk.

#life #personal #ugh #fuck everything yo

0 notes

privateshitgoddammit · 9 years

Conversation

How many goddamn people are gonna ask me if I'm okay today. Like is it really that obvious that I don't feel that great. All my energy to put in this front is gone. It takes so much effort that I don't have. I almost cried at work today. Like what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I know I have a sinus infection but what the fuck is going on. I've just turned into mush. I had to literally just walk away from doing hot bar at work. I try to justify doing that because I burned my hand really bad. Idk. Wtfwtfwtf.

#ugghggggg #life #personal

0 notes