pridemonthpsa

[pridemonthpsa]

Fetishism of Queer Men Pervades the Shadowhunters Fandom

Alright, I’ve been asked to do a piece about the fetishization of mlm in fandom. This is something that makes me very uncomfortable as I navigate most fandoms, but it’s on a whole other scale in the shadowhunters fandom.

I’m going to try and make this as inclusive of non binary people as I can, but of course, there’s nuance here. I want to emphasise that. This issue isn’t simply mlm vs women. I guess as beautiful enbies, I’ll leave it to you to decide where you fall in this issue.

While it is certainly possible for mlm themselves to engage in fetishizing behaviour, this often comes from internalised homophobia and it is NOT the place of non mlm to call them out on it. I want to make that clear.  Following on from this, if an mlm makes you (a non mlm) uncomfortable with the way he talks about his own sexuality, then… Do I need to finish that sentence? 

So, to make it clear: if cishet women (or men, though that’s less likely) engage in ANY of the behaviour I’m going to describe, then they are a mlm fetishist and should not be considered a good ally or be supported in fanart, fanfic, or discourse about mlm relationships. If a queer woman/enby engages in this behaviour, it can be hard to figure out what the deal is. Lots of queer women/enbies in this fandom engage with Malec as representation for them as well, since they are the only canon MAIN queer couple in the show. And that is TOTALLY valid. But sometimes, queer women/enbies can overstep too. My rule is if an mlm feels uncomfortable about the way you as a queer woman/enby talk about or interact with Malec, then you need to evaluate what you’re doing.

The main issue with the fetishization of mlm in fandom is that actual mlm involved in these fandoms are ignored, their voices aren’t boosted, and their fanworks are paid dust while cishet women are glorified for their ‘ally’ voices and fanworks. To illustrate just how much mlm get spoken over in fandoms, get this: I literally googled ‘fetishization of mlm’ to research stuff for this thread and the first thing that came up was a thinkpiece by a cishet woman. https://www.themarysue.com/fetishizing-slash/ Now, the article is pretty inoffensive as far as articles on mlm fetishization go, but why on EARTH is the most viewed article on fetishization of mlm written by a cishet woman? Don’t you find that interesting? Why is it that even when talking about an issue where we are objectified and cishet women are the objectifiers, cishet women’s voices are the ones overwhelmingly boosted? The truth is that REAL mlm aren’t wanted or desired in fandom, because the only thing mlm are needed for in fandom is to provide a cute otp that non mlm can project their sexual and romantic fantasies onto. Real mlm are more complex than a cute otp, so we are eschewed. 

So other instances/examples of fetishization? One of the classics that makes my blood boil, personally, is the way that non mlm write PWP about mlm couples. I thought about looking for an example, but I couldn’t bring myself to look through AO3 tags. But we’ve all come across those fics where two men in an established relationship flirt for 200 words and start stripping (in the sh fandom, helpfully hastened by Magnus’ magic). In these fics, the ‘top’ (more on that later) will either not prepare the ‘bottom’, or they’ll stick two fingers up there with one coat of lube, magically find the prostate and reduce the ‘bottom’ to a whining mess. Always a whining mess. After a couple of lines of prep (max), the ‘top’ will stick his dick in the ‘bottom’ and wait for a moment, then start fucking the absolute shit out of his ‘bottom’. Now, anyone who’s EVER had anal sex, no matter the gender, will tell you that this is not generally how anal sex goes. So why is this the way cishet women write about m/m sex? The simple reason is because these cishet women are projecting themselves into the position of the ‘bottom’. Vaginal sex, as I hope we know, is practically a lot easier than anal sex. By oversimplifying and straightwashing (for lack of a better term) anal sex, they’re assisting their female readers in their fantasies of being under this queer male top. This particular quote from this article - https://www.lambdaliterary.org/features/oped/08/19/the-fetishizing-of-queer-sexuality-a-response/ - struck me: “The edict for writing has always been: Write what you know. Alas, that is what the M/M writers are doing–they are writing straight male/female relationships but putting them in gay male bodies.” These fanfictions are not meant to celebrate queer men, they are not aimed at queer men, and they aren’t concerned with the reality of queer men. Instead they’re projecting themselves into the more desirable (internalised misogyny, much?) queer men’s bodies. This is similar to the way most mainstream ‘lesbian porn’ is aimed at cishet men. These videos show a version of sex between women that is palatable and ‘sexy’ for the male gaze, and these PWPs written by cishet women work the same way. I wish I didn’t have to point out why that’s harmful, but honestly… The shit I’ve seen in these fandoms I feel like I need to spell it out. Treating mlm as props for you, a non mlm, to get off to, is dehumanising and disrespectful. It is not allyship. It is not flattering. Stop it. Now I know that the sexuality of women, and teenage girls specifically, is judged and policed. I understand that. However, the oppression you face is not an excuse to throw another oppressed group under the bus for your amusement and titillation. That’s it. I said what I said. This article - https://versusthefans.com/2014/07/08/fetishizing-homosexuality/ - goes a little deeper into this issue, but here’s a quote that I thought summed it up: “While I certainly understand being thought of as weird, being scared or worried as [...] she feels about shipping Johnlock, for LGBT people they aren’t just scared because of who they ship, but who they love in real life. At the end of the day, [...] straight women [...] will legally marry a man anywhere in the world she wants and get off while dreaming of gay men together.  Must be nice to have your cake and eat it too. It’s not fiction for LGBT people.”

The second classic part of mlm fetishization in fandom is top and bottom discourse. There are a few issues conflated in this facet of fetishization. Firstly, being a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom’ is not generally a thing. The overwhelming majority of queer men do not strictly adhere to either the ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ position in the bedroom. Some of us joke about being one or the other, but it is not a law that we ALWAYS must bottom or ALWAYS must top. Sometimes you fancy something different. It’s human nature. We’re not one stereotype or the other. Ever. To assume as such is to reduce an entire human being to a sex position, just because they’re queer. Does that sound like good allyship to you?

Next, the very fact that people are so invested in whether a fictional character (or, god forbid, a real person, but again, more on that later) is a ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ is creepy and bizarre. Do you also debate on whether the female lead in your show prefers doggy or the reverse cowgirl? No? Then why do you, a non mlm, spend so much time and energy ‘headcanoning’ the ways m/m couples in fiction have sex? Is it because it’s somehow ‘hotter’ than m/f sex because it’s two men? Why is that? Take a look at your feelings here. Ask yourself why you find the idea of two men having sex so interesting. Is it because you’re only attracted to men, so it’s double the fun? Is it because two men banging is ‘taboo’ or ‘sinful’ or ‘naughty’? Is it because taking it up the ass is not a ‘manly’ thing to do, and is therefore inherently kinky? Unpack these things. Think critically. If it is any of the above things, then address it, because it’s wrong. Once again, queer men are not props for you to manipulate for your enjoyment. One mlm I found on tumblr here - http://bluethisisforyou.tumblr.com/post/162753965120 - had this to say on the issue: “[it] is NOT healthy at all bc, in my case, it makes us feel as if we only exist for entertainment and that our relationships are seen as wrong and/or dirty”. Do you intend to make mlm feel that way? If yes, then… Bruh, what the fuck are you do pretending to give a shit about mlm in the first place? If no… Maybe adjust your behaviours accordingly.

Because apparently it’s necessary, I’m going to lay out some facts for you, here. Taller man =/= top. Stronger man =/= top. Leader =/= top. Masculine man =/= top. Shorter man =/= bottom. Weaker man =/= bottom. Follower =/= bottom. Effeminate man =/= bottom. Everyone needs to stop using physical and personality traits to ‘argue their case’ as to whether a queer man is a top or a bottom. These things do NOT impact what kind of sex you like. To imply as such is homophobic and, frankly, misogynistic as well. By painting a more effeminate, smaller, weaker man as the bottom in these scenarios, you are implying that bottoming, and therefore submitting/yielding to ‘masculine’ penetration, is feminine and a sign of weakness. Having said that, you are not more progressive if you make the effeminate man the top for brownie points or because it’s ‘hot’ that the smaller one can weaken the larger one. It’s still creepy and rooted in harmful stereotypes. In the context of the shadowhunters fandom (that this essay is mostly aimed at), both Magnus and Alec are tall, strapping, formidable men who are powerful and badass, and yet in almost every fanwork by a cishet woman, one of them will always be shrunk or feminised. And on the rare occasions where they aren’t, the emphasis will be on the fact that the power struggle between them is hot. And people wonder why I have the vast majority of fanartists blocked.

The last thing I want to talk about as a symptom of mlm fetishization is RPF, or ‘real person shipping’. There are ALWAYS, ALWAYS people in a tv show or movie fandom where they’ll ship the actors who play queer (or perceived queer) characters. It happened with Darren Criss and Chris Colfer after they played Klaine in Glee, it happened with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman after they played Johnlock in Sherlock, it happened with Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins after they played Destiel in Supernatural. In every single instance except Chris Colfer, these actors have had female partners. I’m not going to say all of them are straight, because I don’t know their lives, and I don’t care about most of them enough to research, but all of them (except Colfer) is attracted to women. Most of them have expressed discomfort at the fact that they are ‘shipped’ with their co-star and friend. And yet so many people continue to write fanfiction about them and even harass their ACTUAL partners about a ship that only came about because of their acting jobs. The most confusing thing about this is that there are quite a few m/m couples in the spotlight these days that don’t get nearly as much attention from the RPF shippers. Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black, Colton Haynes and Jeff Leatham all are openly in love, posting adorable snapshots of their lives together, and yet… Somehow, for these RPF shippers, that’s not good enough. It’s only good enough if these real man have been seen in fictional embraces together, if they’ve kissed in giffable high quality, it they’re (in their fucked up fantasies) cheating on a poor unsuspecting female partner in order to be together. M/m couples are only valuable to these people if their most intimate moments are visible, and palatable. It doesn’t matter if real love exists between them, all that matters is that they’re hot together, that their relationship is oh so wrong it’s right.

We as queer men deserve to be celebrated, and we deserve to be celebrated for the diversity and vibrance that we bring to the world. We deserve better than to be reduced to a sexual fantasy, to a cute little otp to squeal over, to something that is inherently taboo or naughty. We deserve to be respected. We deserve to be loved. We deserve a platform in a fandom that exists because of characters that reflect us. We deserve to be heard.

Further reading: http://thewoesofyaoi.tumblr.com/

https://www.lambdaliterary.org/features/oped/08/19/the-fetishizing-of-queer-sexuality-a-response/

https://versusthefans.com/2014/07/08/fetishizing-homosexuality/

[pridemonthpsa]

Pride Month Day 7: We Still Need Pride

During Pride Month, we often hear the argument ‘why do you need pride month these days, gays have equal rights.’

Perhaps, on the surface, compared to many other countries, it seems as though being LGBTQ in the UK is easy. That it’s no big deal in our society anymore. After all, same gender couples have the right to marry and adopt, and there are legal protections against discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. However, if you look beneath the surface, the UK is not as LGBTQ friendly as you’d hope.

Men who have sex with men are still not allowed to donate blood unless they have been celibate for six months.

Transgender people still need permission from their spouse to transition, suffer fallout from a mainstream media that despises them, and are forced to wait years for basic healthcare.

Women who love women are still getting harassed in the street, in nightclubs, on public transport, everywhere.

Today a story emerged in the news that a lesbian couple were beaten on a night bus in London after refusing to perform their sexuality for a gang of cisgender men. These men sexually harassed the two women, called Chris and Melania, before beating them bloody. [Source: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/06/07/london-night-bus-attack-gay-lesbian-couple/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=Buffer&utm_campaign=PN ] The news has since come that the men involved have been arrested by police, but the fact that this attack happened in the first place has shocked a lot of allies celebrating Pride Month.

It has not shocked anybody who has ever been perceived by cisgender men as a sapphic woman.

Though these days I'm an out trans man and ‘pass’ a lot more, during my late teens and early twenties, I was perceived as a sapphic woman. I've experienced some truly terrifying things at the hands of cis men while perceived to be a sapphic woman. There are two particularly scary ones that come to mind, and both happened in nightclubs while I was a student.

The first one, I was trying to protect my friend, who was tiny and friendly and was too scared to say no to a man trying to dance with (on) her. I tried being subtle, pulling her towards me and putting my body in between hers and mine, but he just got more aggressive, grinding on both of us. My temper flared and I shoved him off and yelled at him to stop touching my girlfriend. She wasn't my girlfriend, but I'd seen a lot of my guy friends pull this trick with me and I didn't think that this would be any different. I could not have been more wrong. His eyes literally lit up and he looked over somewhere and suddenly there was a circle of men around us.

This circle was designed to trap us and cut us off from the rest of our friends. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. All of them were yelling at us to kiss, demanding that we prove we're girlfriends. Luckily, my ‘fight or flight’ is generally ‘fight’, and they didn’t expect this from me, since I was skinny, feminine and delicate-looking, so I had the element of surprise on my side. I kneed the original guy in the balls with all the force I could muster. When he went down, I grabbed my friend and ran for the door. We disappeared out of the club and lost them. I could not believe how co-ordinated that group of men was. They clearly had a plan for that situation. It was TERRIFYING. This was in 2013. Me and my friend were shaking for hours after it.

The second time I'd met a guy in a club (read: he'd started dancing with me and I was mostly okay with it) and we went to the smoking area to 'talk' (read: I wanted a break from his groping). We were talking and the conversation turned to how long we'd been single. I (stupidly) mentioned that I'd broken up with a girl I'd been dating a few weeks before, and again, his eyes lit up. He made me put his number in my phone, took my phone and called his number 'so you can't give me a fake one', and took my wrist. He said he wasn't going to let go until we got back to his. At this point my heart was in my throat, I had no idea how I was gonna get out of this situation because he was very strong, his grip left bruises on my wrist. That time, I didn’t have the anger brought on by a threat to a friend, it was just me. I’ve never been very good at getting angry when I’m the one in danger.

Luckily, one of the guys from my flat that I'd come with had sensed that I wasn't into the guy I'd been dancing with and came looking for me. When he found us, he asked if I was okay and I said no. My friend then told the guy to let me go, and he refused. My friend forcibly, literally, prised his fingers off my wrist and told me to run and meet him at our bench. We had a bench that we always sat on to eat our post-club chips, and I ran for it. He appeared about 20 minutes later, but the guy had started calling my phone leaving voicemails abusing and harassing me. My friend answered the phone and pretended to be my boyfriend. After almost an hour of them shouting at each other on the phone, the guy hung up. I never heard from him again, thank god.

This was in early 2014. It was really scary. A lot of people will say that the kind of homophobia and lesbophobia evidenced in the original post has been emboldened by brexit or the tories but the truth is, cishet men have never stopped being a serious threat to queer women in this country. Straight allies, and especially straight man allies, you still have work to do. You know the kind of men who pull this shit. Call them out, tell them off, beat them up when they put hands on sapphic women. Protect lesbians and bi/pan women.

And for the love of god, stop asking us why we still need pride.

#pride month #pride #lesbophobia #lesbian rights #homophobia #misogyny #pride month psa

[pridemonthpsa]

Pride Month Day 2: What Does It All Mean?

Often when I’m speaking to cisgender [non-trans] people about my identity and my partner, I’m struck by the ignorance around terminology, and how little they will think through a question they have before asking it. To illustrate, let me recreate a conversation that I’ve had at least three times in person.

Me: I’m a trans man, my pronouns are he/him. I graduated university a couple of years back and I’m getting married this year to my partner.

Other: Oh, so he’s (they always assume my partner is a man, I have no idea why) okay with you being transgender?

Me: Actually she’s a she, and she’s trans too, so it’s not an issue.

Other: Oh so which way round is she, then? Is she a girl who wants to be a boy, or-?

Several things in this response are questionable. Let me unpack it real quick.

Firstly, if my partner was not ‘okay with’ my transition, why would I be marrying them? It’s so strange to me that cisgender people automatically express surprise that I, a trans man, am in a loving and healthy relationship. It’s sort of sad, isn’t it? Yes, I am trans, and yes, I am loved unconditionally. Perhaps it is difficult for you to imagine, loving a trans person, but please don’t project those insecurities onto me and my relationship.

Secondly, if we think logically for a moment. I stand before you, telling you that I am a trans man, with visible breasts and a voice breaking from testosterone therapy. Now, if you as a cisgender person ascribe to the ‘man is opposite to woman’ misconception, surely, if you thought about it, you’d figure that a trans woman is the ‘opposite’ to what my situation is? Just a moment of logical critical thinking would answer this question for you.

Lastly, thinking of trans people as ‘something that wants to be something else’ is not correct. A more apt way to think of it is ‘someone who was mistaken for something else at birth’. For me, a trans man, you’d describe me as a man who was mistaken for a girl at birth, rather than ‘a girl who wants to be a boy’.

Now that we’ve got that off our chests, let’s run down these terms that cisgender people seem to be struggling with in ways that are both correct and easy to understand.

Trans woman: A trans woman is a woman who was assumed to be a boy at birth. Trans women can have penises or they can have vaginas or both or neither. Trans women can be straight, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, or any other sexuality. Trans women can be any religion or race. Trans women can wear dresses or suits or jeans or anything else. The fact that a person is a trans woman says nothing about her personality or her hobbies or her transition goals. All it means is that she is a woman who was mistaken for a boy at birth. Examples of trans women: Marsha P. Johnson, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner.

Trans man: A trans man is a man who was assumed to be a girl at birth. Trans men can have vaginas or penises or both or neither. Trans men often need access to birth control, but not always. Trans men can be any sexuality, religion, or race. Trans men are just as diverse and individual as cisgender men. Trans men can be macho or effeminate. The fact that a person is a trans man says nothing about his personality or his hobbies or his transition goals. All it means is that he is a man who was mistaken for a girl at birth. Examples of trans men: Chaz Bono, Lucas Silveira, Thomas Beatie.

Non-binary person: A non-binary person is someone whose gender is something other than ‘woman’ or ‘man’. They can use gendered pronouns like he or she, or they can use gender-neutral pronouns like they, or they can use neo-pronouns, like ze or xe. They can use any pronouns they like. Most commonly, non-binary people use ‘they/them’ pronouns, but its best to ask which ones the individual non-binary person prefers. ‘A non-binary’ is not correct. Instead, we say ‘a non-binary person.’ Non-binary people can be any sexuality, any religion, any race. Non-binary people do not have to be androgynous. A non-binary person’s gender says nothing about their personality, hobbies or transition goals. All it means is that their gender is neither ‘woman’ nor ‘man. Examples of non-binary people: Indya Moore, Sam Smith, Amandla Stenberg.

There is of course a lot more vocabulary surrounding trans and non-binary communities, but these are the most basic terms and their basic meanings. More indepth PSAs coming this pride month!

#trans #non binary #transgender rights #trans rights #nonbinary #pride month #pride month psa

[pridemonthpsa]

Pride Month Day 1: How to Not Fuck Up Talking to Trans People

I want to believe that the majority of people I come across aren’t hateful. I want to believe that most people are well-meaning. I want to believe that the people who ask hyper-personal questions upon first meeting genuinely think I want to talk about what my genitals currently look like with a stranger.

To the average cisgender (not-trans) person, the burning questions they have about trans people must seem completely reasonable. It may seem strange that trans people often react with confusion, irritation or embarrassment when they ask the questions bursting out of them with genuine enthusiasm, a want to understand.

What you have to try to remember is that the question you’re asking has been asked to us about one billion times before.

Imagine that you’re wearing a new outfit. Imagine that you agonised for a long time in front of the mirror, wondering if you were good-looking enough, fashionable enough, to wear this outfit. Now imagine that everyone you come across only wants to talk about the outfit. It would feel good at first, right? The first couple of people who ask ‘where did you get the top?’ make you feel like the effort you put into the outfit is being noticed.

Imagine that everyone, all day, all week, no matter who they are or where you are, asks the same few questions. The doctor, the person you buy milk from, your old school friend you run into in town, the bus driver, your partner, your parents. Eventually you’d feel like the outfit was wearing you, right? Like no-one was paying attention to you, to how the outfit makes you feel, like anyone could be wearing the same clothes and they wouldn’t notice. They’re just interested in the shirt, in the pants, how long you’ve been wanting to buy the outfit. Why you suddenly decided to change your style, though you’ve had a pinterest board outlining this style for months. Years.

There are several questions that trans people are expected to answer without hesitation. If we don’t answer these questions we are being ‘difficult’, or ‘extra’, or we are ‘encouraging people to be transphobic.’ Sometimes not answering even means that we get refused healthcare, or assistance from domestic violence services, or blacklisted from friendship groups.

Every trans person could tell you these questions.

‘How long have you known you were trans?’

‘Have you had the surgery? When are you going to have the surgery?’

‘Does your family support it?’

‘What was your name before?’

For trans people, we often wonder amongst ourselves, in our trans spaces, if cisgender people ever think about what they’re saying to us. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the questions we’re asked and expected to answer strike us as being invasive, and strange. They generally speak of a morbid curiosity about trans bodies, and trans trauma. The person is ‘wearing’ the transness, their existence as a person comes second to the transness they are wearing, the transness that you have the unquestionable right to ask about.

Would you ask a passing acquaintance when exactly they started puberty and how they felt about it?

Would you ask someone in your class what exactly their genitals looked like?

Would you ask someone with brightly coloured hair on the bus if their parents supported their decision to dye their hair?

Would you ask a customer at your job what their most embarrassing childhood nickname was?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then perhaps your sense of boundaries need a little fine-tuning. Most people I think would agree that all these questions are inappropriate outside of intimate friendships or relationships.

But wait, I hear you cry! What are we supposed to ask trans people if we can’t ask them about their genitals or their relationships with their parents?!

Here is a helpful, catch-all tip to interacting with trans people: Talk to them like you would anybody else.

This weather is terrible, isn’t it?

Look at that dog chasing its tail over there!

What’s your opinion of dark chocolate?

So this climate change thing sucks, huh?

I know that you have burning questions, and I know that the trans person you just met is an enigma to you, someone you desperately can’t understand unless you ask a bunch of very personal questions. That’s okay. You don’t have to understand us. You don’t have to know all the graphic details of our bodies and lives. All you need to know are our pronouns, our names, and that we’re human beings that deserve equal rights to you.

#transgender rights #trans rights #trans #transgender #pride month #pride month psa