poetsandpancakes

[poetsandpancakes]

Today I am sad. 

I saw my ex today, and my heart sinks. 

I am not his priority anymore, or maybe I was never his. I wanted to let go, but why am I scared?

I want to cry my heart out. 

I hate summer; migraines, allergies, and motion sickness always clash with my mood. 

I threw a tantrum last night. I feel really guilty. I don't think I should apologise, but I will limit myself to screen time and sensory overload today.

Maybe I will be better tomorrow; I always do. But today is just not that day.

30/04/2024

MZU,Tanhril

[poetsandpancakes]

They say marriage won't last if the wife and the husband are too different.

Dennis and I were never the same. He loved the city, he loved the thrill, he was like the wind, constantly moving, never still, and he worked like a clock. But for me, I love suburban areas, a quaint little life; I find cities overwhelming; and I love my Sundays slow. Time was never in our favor, so I let him go. We were distinct individuals, never forming a cohesive unit. It worked because he wanted it to. Somehow we made things work, and we dragged on the little love that we had. Of course, I will cherish that forever until we reach one crossroads after the other.

I love poetry, but he struggles with finding the right words to say. I am dramatic; he is logical. Music makes me happy, whereas I make him the happiest. I wanted to let go, but he kept adjusting and readjusting until there was no more room left. I decided we would part ways, and he accepted blindly because he didn't want to hurt me. He checks up on me every day, but we became unrepairable. On his side of the fence, too many people got involved, while my side got greener with friends helping me build stronger picket fences. I love him with all my heart. I will always do so, but I want to leave.

29/04/2024

MZU,Tanhril

[poetsandpancakes]

Quote

[poetsandpancakes]

Nikos Engonopoulos, from Bolívar, a Greek Poem

[poetsandpancakes]

my favorite form of love is being loved without feeling like i was begging for it

[poetsandpancakes]

My heart is heavy right now. I feel second-handed. Second choice. The girl is on the sidelines while I can be the main character. I could be the first for someone, but I choose to stay. I stayed, I stayed.

I feel like I am going to go insane and crazy right now, in this humid, warm, and harsh summer of 24. 

I loved life yesterday; it didn't necessarily mean that I hate it today. I felt much better than last year, but today is one of those days where it is not easy; it is midweek. I want to cry. But I will keep going.

24/04/24

Tanhril

MZU

[poetsandpancakes]

Braiding my hair.

New comic on Tapas

[poetsandpancakes]

[poetsandpancakes]

Why do I keep coming here when I feel good about anything. You see, this place was supposed to be my safe space, my comfort zone, where I can think and write when I am in distress. I created this account because of that.

But, I guess I cannot write when my heart is heavy or when it gets too overwhelming I really do hope I came here often to write, to express and just say whatever I wanted to say instead of suppressing them when I feel really bad.

But I have this strange and toxic way of shutting people and things out when I am in a bad mood or place. Sleeping with sweating palms and feet, overthinking things until I push myself out of bed to freshen up, and then I will start cleaning and start feeling better with time. I tried remaining calm and panic attacks will start to creep up slowly on me. Do you know why I am saying all of these things? I just hope that I will come here often instead of doing all that .

17/04/2024

Tanhril

[poetsandpancakes]

Me : alright, time to sit down and write...

My brain : *silence*

Me : I said, 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙞𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚!!!

My brain : oh look a new video by your favourite yt channel!

Me : WHERE?!?!

[poetsandpancakes]

You may think you forgot them all but the body remembers everything.

These past few weeks, I've struggled in learning and relearning myself, unlearning and unloving you.

I kept asking myself "What will I missed most about him?"

The cafes you never took me on a date to, you should've known that I saved all my cute cafes for you. The flowers I neveer received on Valentines Day-you of all people should've known that I preserved the ones you gave me on my birthday. The things you didn't do.

I;ve never been happier in all my life. But what do I do with you still holding on to me like a helpless bird. You a re vagabond, you travel from places after places, people to people. You are not the sentimental kind but you you hold on to me. You have no reason to, but you did anyway.

[poetsandpancakes]

I came back.

After, I've felt really good again. Here we go. Here we go again.

The day after Palm Sunday, I was in my zen moment. Archived the boy I never thought I'd hide away.I learned everything the hard way; for me,it's never easy. Breakups are no fun, and I don't ever want to go through them again. 

Peace—I think it starts within us—within ourselves and the man above. Nobody has it or achieves it on their own. 

Dear God, I feel really good today.

Was it the red bull? The cup of iced coffee that I had? All I know is that there are times when I feel truly scared. To be happy again. What if it didn't last? What if I didn't make it?

[poetsandpancakes]

I feel like I've been writing all day.

I was very mean and rude to the people who loved me this past week and I think there was something wrong with me. I'll try to be better and my back hurts

[poetsandpancakes]

February 1st, and I am feeling great. I don't want to give this feeling up ever; I want it by my side forever, if you know what I mean.

Can you hear my sirens calling?

Can you see the frustration in my eyes?

The nauseous feeling that is building up from the underground

I took a taxi one December evening! I wanted to stay by my friend's side and ask her to shelter me. I wanted to tell the driver to go home instead of turning left at one point. "Take me home to my mother." I wanted to cry out loud. But then, I couldn't bring myself to stop, so I went towards the green door, where he'd wait for me for himself.

This womanhood, this guilt—how do I get over this? It scares me, and I am happy in my bubble.

Do you ever wonder who the real "love of your life" is? Because I do think about it often and dream about it in my sleep more than I am supposed to. I regret some things I've said to my father when we argue about the smallest things. What's a life lived with guilt?

I still have miles to go, so many people to meet, so many chances to take, and so many people scared to let down—those who have high hopes for me.

Can I go on like this forever? Help me, Dear Lord!

You heard my cries; please help me!

1/02/2024

MZU,Tanhril

[poetsandpancakes]

"Nunu"

I keep calling myself that whenever I think about something that happened in the past or an embarrassing moment. Maybe I call myself that to make me more comfortable or am I calling out my innocence? which I've lost Maybe the child in me called out that because it's how my favorite mini friends named me, maybe it's because it reminds me of them and their innocence and the girl that I used to be maybe I want them to call me out of this world. Or maybe I am calling out to them.

26/01/2024

Aizawl

my little room

[poetsandpancakes]

As I brew my afternoon tea in my little office Twinings in lemon and ginger flavours, there's a slight drizzle outside one December afternoon, which feels like the late monsoon season. The aroma of my freshly brewed cup of tea has taken me aback. I remember 2019 me in my little room I shared with my two roommates,the same cup of Twinings in Lemon and Ginger, and the same kind of weather outside in the little city of Pune. How times have changed,how I've changed,how time flies, but how the smell of my tea never changes, and how I still adore the rain outside. Two different little rooms and little cities: December 2023 and August 2019. I hope the aroma from the warm cup of tea in my hands travels back in time and I can hold the hands of the girl in 2019 who held the same flavoured tea and tell her that "everything turns out okay" and that she will be doing just fine 4 years later.

6/12/2023

Tanhril

MZU

[poetsandpancakes]

Sometimes, I dream of things that I will never be in real life. Maybe that's why it's called a dream.

I have a whole other person in my head; she is carefree, and she doesn't think too much about what and how people see and think about her. She dresses nicely, gets things done, and is calm and collected.

For a second. I think I used to be like her, until reality hits me today and reminds me that I am not.

24/11/23

Mzu

Tanhril