patronsaintofteachercrushes

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

I have this overpowering urge to just lean in for a kiss every time he talks to me 😭😭

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

i want to show up in his dreams and convince him to take the risk

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

4/25

we went back to our game of hot and cold. i’m not surprised really, just disappointed. i thought maybe someway somehow i had gotten through to him. this time. but i didn’t. i probably never will. even if i was of age and he met me at some dive bar off the highway.

yesterday H was supposed to come to my softball game. and he was a no show. he said he’d come. i spent most of the game distracted, looking for him in the crowd. his teacher best friend (who strangely has a liking towards me despite me never having her class) showed me texts between him and her today. she told him that the game ended and he replied “fuck ! i just got here.” which was a little comforting, but he never apologized to me. he seemed a little ashamed at my confrontation but he made no move to tell me he was sorry, which upset me greater than him not showing up. i had been waiting for him. i had been thinking about this all week.

later during class, he took music recommendations from a girl who i’ve been jealous of for a very long time now. she’s like the antithesis of me and i feel like a monster next to her. it made me think of the time i had tried to do that with him, how i had to borderline beg him to listen. it all felt like such a slap in the face. like everyone was in on a joke that i was too stupid to recognize. he didn’t talk to me for the rest of class. and i thought he looked stupid in his hat.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student #teacher student #teacher crush community #teacher attachment

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

4/24

this morning i woke up with a great feeling of uncertainty of how H would treat me today. i was scared we’d go back to our game of hot and cold. i was scared today would nothing. but it wasn’t pointless at all.

class started fine, all the usual things. i asked for help when maybe i didn’t need it so much as i tried to pretend. i stared at him like he was God or something similar. i listened to his conversations with the girls around me to try and assert some level of secret dominance over them (they don’t know what i know and never will, etc.)

but because today was a wednesday, i had home room with him. and for whatever reason, all the people in my grade had to go to the courtyard. i didn’t really want to go, but he forced me. i watched him look around all the people in my grade and stare at them in silence and with a slightly amused expression. watched as he ate cookie after cookie. when i inevitably found my way back inside, i stood at a window watching him talk to L (which is a duo i never expected) from afar. a boy came up to me and i asked him what he thought H and L were talking about and as soon as i said H’s name, his head snapped towards me in the window and stared straight at me. i rushed into his classroom and sat down, only to be followed by him 30 seconds later. i didn’t say anything else to him until i left.

i’m not sure if this is a common experience for people outside of my state but, at my school we have off campus lunch and most people go to this little coffee shop that makes redbull sodas (basically just a redbull with flavored syrup and lemonade or cream). that’s where i ended up going for lunch today but i didn’t want the rest of mine. i was stood near his desk and asked my friend what i should do with it because it couldn’t be recycled with all the liquid left in it. H overhears and asks me what it is. i placed it down on his desk and slid it towards him “do you want it ?” he picked it up and said “no take it back i don’t want this.” i started to walk away and said, “nope, sorry, it’s yours now.” he called my name and told me to get back here but i was already on the move. i figured he’d just leave it be but he didn’t. “come take it back or i’ll dump it all over you!” i laughed and kept walking. i was a couple feet in front of him then, but when i looked back again, he had begun chasing me. he chased me down the hallway hot on my tail, holding my redbull and grasping at my backpack. he eventually got hold of me and with his hand pulling on the front of my backpack, the front zipper ripped open and i crashed into him. luckily, my drink didn’t spill. but once our bodies collided, he let go completely and backed off, handing my drink to my friend who had now caught up to where we were standing.

i was upset that he ended that so abruptly, but i think he realized what a sight we must’ve been. a teacher chasing his student down the hall. people stopped to watch us and i could hear laughter coming in all directions. i don’t feel very embarrassed about it though because it’s not exactly my doing, i didn’t make him do that. he did that by his own volition, which is a very exciting thought. he wanted to do that.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student #teacher student #teacher crush community #teacher attachment #teacher love

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

society if i liked boys my age and boys my age liked me:

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student #teacher crush community #teacher attachment

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

4/22

today was one of the best days we’ve had in a while. earlier this morning i wrote in my diary about how i missed feeling what i used to feel with H, that i was screaming yes, and that i felt very guilty for loving him that way despite wishing to feel that way again. and somehow that manifested itself.

he’s growing out his beard again, and when i saw it i wanted to throw up. but in a good way. he looked so good in fact i started whispering hail mary under my breath. when he was stood in front of me, i couldn’t help but smile up at him. i felt that same feeling of being overwhelmed that he existed i felt when i knew i loved him. he complimented my warm up answer and just like that, we were back. back like we’d never left.

later, he came up to me. bent at the waist to be close to my face, and spoke to me first. i don’t remember the last time he spoke to me first. it felt sort of like an honor. for some context, i wrote H a letter asking him to come to the teacher appreciation game and how much i appreciated him last week.

H: when’s your next softball game ?

me: tuesday

H: any other games ?

me: thursday, are you going ?

H: what about friday ?

me, shaking my head: are you going on thursday still ?

H: it’s the only thing i go to all year, but i’ll probably only stay for 30 minutes.

me, now desperate: what, why ?! please stay.

H: i have shit to do !

me: like what ?!

he sighs and then walks away. i frown to myself and start my class work. maybe 15 seconds later, he comes back. bent at the waist again.

H: what time do your games usually end ?

me: around 6 ish.

H, nodding: okay.

he said it with a tone that said he’d come and stay for the whole game. i can’t describe how i was feeling in that moment. something along the lines of my heart went soaring far above my head and no matter how hard i tried to squint and crane my neck to see it, i couldn’t. my head wanted to loll backwards and i felt suspended. i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

a little while after that, me and him kept talking. but sometimes me and him talk so fast with each other that we end up interrupting the other, and this was no different. i interrupted him and he quieted down for a second, allowing me to speak, and my friend sitting next to me said “let him finish !” and his face went red and his eyes shot open and he stumbled on his words as he tried to regain composure. me and my friend giggled for a second as we’d realized what she’d said.

this has gotta be something, right ? it can’t be nothing. i won’t let it be nothing.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student #teacher attachment

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

one minute i’m saying i want nothing to do with him and cussing him out, and the next i’m on pinterest planning our wedding.

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student #teacher attachment

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

4/7

feeling a great deal of things today and have been for the past week. it’s hard to make sense of it all. i miss H terribly, but not so much him just the mere comfort of knowing he’ll be there. it’s weird. i still fantasize about him, a lot of my time is taken up by just imagining making him coffee in the morning after waking up in his bed with him or him reading me something while i lay my head in his lap with a soft yellow light on and jazz playing in the other room. but i don’t feel much like i love him anymore. i think it’s neither love nor disdain but a secret third thing.

i’m not really sure what’s going on and i’m not really sure what to make of anything recently. i just wanted to talk to you guys about it. i haven’t been posting as frequently and i miss it. this is such a good outlet for me and i hope that maybe my continued posting (even if it’s not necessarily happy or good) is still helpful to someone out there like some of you guys have written me before.

sorry for any typos again lol

i started wondering what love is, what it feels like, how it behaves. i’ve yet to come to a conclusion about it. i know that love comes in all sorts of different forms and sizes, but how does someone know when they love another person romantically ? i love my friends, i love my sister, i love my dog, i love my bed, i love my shoes, i love a good book, i love tea, i love writing, i love feeling the sunlight on my eyelids, i love going on a drive, i love fiona apple, i love a great deal of things but i don’t love any of these things romantically.

i’ve had multiple experiences in my life where i think i have loved someone that way before, but it’s never lasted. shouldn’t love last ? my love for everything else does. i thought i loved my first “boyfriend”, but i broke up with him after 6 months. i thought i loved L, but it dissipated just as quickly as it came over me. this time, with H, i thought it would be different. i kind of felt like he was the one, you know ? the sort of feeling you get when you meet somebody new and they take a liking to you so you immediately start to like them too and you feel much closer to them than you’ve felt to anyone before. i felt that with H. and i don’t feel that way anymore. he doesn’t care for me much anymore either.

but that doesn’t really explain why i still think about him in the ways that i do. i often imagine living a quiet, domestic life with him where we’re left alone to consume and create together, where we talk and don’t try to be so careful, where i cook for him and he eats it with delight. when he does certain things, i feel a rush of what it was like to love him. i watched him once lift his arms above his head to close a window and saw the dimples on his back. i imagined laying with him and pressing my thumbs into the indents there. i imagine these moments of intimacy so frequently and vividly that it can’t be just based on a fleeting feeling. i must really love him, right ?

i wondered earlier this week if maybe i had deluded myself into believing i didn’t love H anymore the same way i had deluded myself into believing he might love me. is it ever really possible to get over an obsession like that ? if so, is it possible for me then too ? i keep telling myself that he is nothing special and that this was all so pointless but at the end of the day, i still brought him easter dinner and post about him on a tumblr blog almost entirely dedicated to him. i mean whats the difference between loving him actively and loving him in a past tense ?

there’s a quote in ladybird, “you seem to really love Sacramento.” “i do ?” “you write about Sacramento so affectionately and with such care.” “i was just describing it.” “well, it comes across as love.” “sure, i guess i pay attention.” “don’t you think maybe they are the same thing ? love and attention ?” and i’ve been thinking about it a lot. is my incessant imagining of him another form of love ? is that why i can always find connections to him in everything i do or see or hear ? because he’s always somewhere in the front of my mind ? can that be love ? i still feel a softness for him, as i feel for everyone i’ve ever thought i loved before, but i don’t feel for him anymore like i did prior to march 15th when i was sure and confident in my love for him.

i feel like i’m going in circles with him, i’ve felt like this before and i’ll probably feel like that again. when he talked about his spouse that one time, i had the same sort of clarity i had when i saw him for lunch on march 15th. and when he talked about the movie we were watching in class, i felt the way same way as when he called me a naughty girl. i mean i didn’t even let him have a moment to redeem himself after we’d had lunch, i didn’t offer him a second chance and i’m not sure if he really even deserved one because of who he is (both to me and to himself) but i just packed everything up and walked away without a word. i pulled away entirely from him just like how he’s done to me countless times before. originally, it felt like i was giving him a taste of his own medicine, like i was really showing him, but now i just wonder if i did it that way to make him care again. nothing has really been confirmed at all, we still dance around each other most of the time, so its hard to gauge whether or not what i’m doing is right.

but because i pulled away so quickly, i just started to latch onto things that aren’t even really there. when i went dancing with a friend, i flirted and danced with her aunt’s friend from their parish, and then i flirted with the gas station clerk while we bought ice cream afterwards. i even kept going back to the gas station to flirt with him, i was so desperate for a new feeling. i think i missed feeling passionate about someone because my compulsive obsession surrounding H felt like it was ending. it felt good to focus all the emotion i have inside of me onto someone again, but i know that he’s just a man like everyone else. i was drunk the night we went dancing, but is that an excuse ? i feel like instead of recovering and reliving myself from the sickness i had with H i’m really just running from how i actually feel. and i feel like that might be worse than just loving him again.

but he has a partner, and to everyone outside of this perfect bubble i have meticulously curated for myself i am doing something illegal and inappropriate. so i can’t love him. we watched everything everywhere all at once in class, and we got to the scene where waymond says, “in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.” and i wondered if he felt that way about him and his partner. i wondered then too if maybe the moments we’d had were temporary lapses in judgment that come from going through something so difficult, something like your spouse having cancer and someone showing you a kindness you haven’t felt in a while. i felt very guilty for feeling how i felt about him during that part of the movie. it reminded me of when he said he was at the hospital with her and how i felt then.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

currently on my way to school with food for H. i don’t know why i’m doing this but here i am.

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

currently sitting alone with H in his room in complete silence aside from the dull hum of the ac and small flickering noise of the overhead projector.

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

#lol kinda going through it atm #i wish we could start all over again #i miss what we had #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

3/18

H looked so good today, like actually so good. the best he’s looked since he started shaving his beard. but it didn’t sway me too much. he was nice enough, and still i feel pretty much the same. i still like him of course, i mean i’ve spent most of this school year completely and wildly obsessed with him and those feelings won’t just disappear completely. something inside of me will always be soft for him. but after today, where i assumed just him being nice to me would make me head over heels again, i think it’s going to take something much more deliberate to get me back to that place again. he looked really fucking good though.

#xi’s diary #female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

this morning has been so hard. i have no motivation whatsoever to go to school today now that my feelings for H have almost completely changed. the only thing i’m looking forward to right now is coming back home, and i haven’t even left my house yet. everything just feels so boring and pointless. what a waste.

though, i’m almost entirely expecting that my feelings for him will return (if not tenfold) after i have his class today. but i know today is gonna be a hard day to get through.

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

stuck between wanting to sacrifice him to satan and wanting to kiss his cheek when i leave his class

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

gonna ignore him for the rest of the school year. men ain’t shit !!!!!

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

just left from having lunch with H. that was extremely humbling.

#female student #male teacher crush #male teacher x female student #tc community #tc feelings #student x teacher #tc blog #tc love #teacher crush #teacher x student