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call me dracula with a headache the way I be taking these vladvil

#my back huuuuurts #my legs huuuuuuuurt #ow #dracula

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Dwight D. Eisentower

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Egg salad sandwich is actually short for Goose Egg Caesar Salad Double-decker Subway Sandwich but you wont learn that in english class because Big Letters has an executive by the same name and they got it scrubbed from the internet a few years ago

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If I had a nickel for every team-based hero shooter with a class that:

Is praised by its users but despised by other players

Is reliant on a certain skill or "one trick"

Has a rivalry with the fast quippy pest class

Is sickeningly french

I would have two nickels.

Which isn't a lot,

But its weird that it happened twice

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"Et two, Brute?"

"This has to be done, Ceasar. It is for the emp- wait two?"

*A second Brutus walks out from behind the original*

#historymemes #roman #ceasar

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Actually comedy peaked when Hank Hill opened a can of WD-40 using a comically small but otherwise identical different can of WD-40

Truly a himbo among men

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the reason the US emergency number is 911 is because it pays homage to 9/11. before 9/11 you had to spell out WATERGATE on your phone's keypad for an ambulance

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*Making a new national sport for Canada*

"Okay. What about something like soccer?"

"So, soccer?"

"Except... It is smaller! Less players, maybe a reduced field!"

*writing* "Small soccer..."

"Yes, yes, a smaller field, made of... Ice! Like a frozen lake or river."

"On ice..."

"With ice skates! Imagine the speed! The grace!"

"Speed and grace..."

"And the ball will be a small... r-rubber... ehm... Disk! Yes, a disk! No wider than a, a large biscuit!"

"Small rubber... biscuit..."

"And maybe, instead of using their feet, they play with... sticks! Long, thin sticks!"

"Sticks..."

"Perhaps these sticks could have a, a sort of hook, almost, at the end, to better control the disk."

*He looks up from his writing and raises an eyebrow: then returns to his notes.*

"Hooks on sticks to handle... biscuits...

I must say this new game seems quite outlandish. I doubt it will be popular."

"And, you... are.. allowed to FIGHT the other players!"

*His eyes widen in surprise, then excitement as he begins to scribble with glee.*

#sportsball #sports #historymemes

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Chekhov's purgatory:

After being revealed, an otherwise not relevant item is Not used for a series of increasingly unlikely events that are uniquely suited to being solved by said item. It is never brought up in the story after its introduction.

I will not be taking questions at this time

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Everybody is all "pondering my orb" this, "pondering my orb" that, yeah ok ill see you bone brains later, i have to go

CONTEMPLATE MY CUBE

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Ive been awake for around 21(?) hours now and i can feel the mental capacity of my brain shrinking like that one episode of TNG where the ubiverse is getting smaller but instead of a warp bubble its the ability tp focus both eyes for any period of time help

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The ending of Return of the Jedi:

It's a very emotional scene. Luke watches sadly as Vader's body is burned in a traditional jedi pyre. The symbolism drawing back to Anakin's fall, his metamorphosis into the terrifying force of Vader via being burned alive, now his hulking form finally laid to rest in the dying embers of the Empire. It is so very touching~

Except for the SMELL. Dank Ferrik, it must have been unbearable! All that plastic circuitry, rubber hosing and metal appendages, mixed with 20 year old barbeque swirling into a cacophony summed up by the worst burning dishwasher smell the galaxy has ever seen. And worst of all, how do you point out that most of those in attendance have probably aquired a nice case of mild respiratory illness? It's Luke. Skywalker. Probably the most powerful being alive, AND his dad just died! Your best bet was probably Han walking behind Luke with a bottle of Space Febreeze; "Ah, hey kid. (Psst) I'm uh, (psst) real sorry about (psst) your dad. (Psst) Just uh, (psst) let me know if you (psst) need anything (psstpsstpsst).

#star wars #return of the jedi

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Gonna name my kids Olivia, Lafayette and Lovella so i can call them

Liv, Laf, Love

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"What, you egg?"

Humpty Dumpty: *crying*

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Shepherds are just cowboys for sheep

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Whoever decided to eat ocean bugs like shrimp and lobster I WILL respectfully say that I prefer other foods and will not eat these items in particular if given a choice because I eat LAND THINGS like a GOOD LAND DWELLER