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oxenfreewest · 7 months

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For a lack of better words

An Azul Ashengrotto fanfiction.

Hi. This fanfiction deals directly with eating disorders in immense detail. I implore you to please not read this if you are actively dealing with an eating disorder, are recovering from one, or are prone to earing disorders. This story deals with restrictive habits as well as bulimic habits as well.(binging and purging)

I am someone who has been suffering from an active eating disorder for the past five years, and took details from my own experiences for this story, because i see a lot of myself in azul and his backstory. Not every eating disorder the same, but this is just one example of how terrifying they can be.

I want every reader to know that they are perfect. That even if they dont have the body they want or think theyre supposed to have, they deserve love.

This is no way to live.

Once again, please do not read this if these are sensitive topics for you.

Thanks for reading!

Azul Ashengrotto simply did not have the time.

His mind was occupied with frenzied thoughts about school and the lounge and the things he had yet to do or deal with, so azul was completely sewn up. At the moment, he was at his desk in his dorm room dealing with some mostro lounge budget details. It had seen a recent uptick in visitors, which meant that they had some wiggle room to add new menu items. A bead of sweat formed on azuls brow as he looked over the proposed items, his heart skipping a beat. Sometimes, azul felt anxious when making decisions about food, even when they didnt directly affect him. Should he choose the safe option and risk people not liking it? Or pick the more popular option and encourage the unhealthy eating habits of others?

Well, why did it even matter to him? He would never be the one to eat these things. Best to go with the more popular option.

Afterwards, it was time for azuls daily fitness tasts. Azul didnt want to build big muscles and become bulky, so his fitness routine consisted of moderate exercises and stretches to keep himself lean and burn calories efficiently. Today he was going on a jog around the campus with deuce, who had put out a flyer for running buddies. Azul had only taken up the offer to have some sort of company while he did his jogging because neither floyd nor jade showed any interest, and he often felt lonely when he was left with his individual thoughts.

He met deuce on the lawn of the recreation field, where he was doing some mild stretches.

'Im here for our jogging session, are you ready to go?' Azul did some upper body twists and casually looked upon deuce as if it were no big sweat if deuce were ready or not.

Deuce stood up from his front bend and gave a crooked smile. 'Uhm yeah, im good. Are uou not going to stretch?'

Azul shook his head. "I walked all the way here, i figure that is plenty stretching. Well, shall we?"

Deuce shrugged, but they took their places and began their moderately paced run around the field.

Heres a question for those who are engaged, what happens when you put an asthmatic merman on a jogging course? The worst possible thing. Azul knew that he was asthmatic and knew that he had trouble performing high octane cardio workouts, but he felt troubled. He had a particularly large and guiltful meal last night, and today he was determined to make up for his wrongdoings. So what if he was wheezing and huffing and puffing, he needed to work himself to the bone to make up for his mistakes. He could not afford to slip.

So he continued to jog, which turned into a run, which turned into black spots in his vision, and him opening his eyes go see deuces face hovering over him, eyes as wide as saucers.

"azul! Youre awake!" He was holding a bottle of water, and thats when azul noticed his face was damp. He sat up quickly, causing an electric buzz rushing up to his head, forcing him to clutch his forehead with his hand. He let out a pained hiss and clenched his eyes shut.

deuce place a hand on his shoulder and leaned over to see his face. "Hey, are you okay? Did you eat anything today?"

he asked this with a lilt of concern to his voice, and azul snapped his neck to look at him "no, but it should be fine considering how much i ate yesterday, i dont need to eat." He retirted, pointed and prickly in delivery. Deuce winced and laughed neevously "uhm...azul, that was yesterday, this is today. You need to eat every day dude..."

azul looked away and brought himself to his feet, wobbling a but before he regained his balance. He brushed himself off and sighed. "I should be fine, i just need to get some water."

deuce still looked concerned,moving forward to say something, but ultimately deciding not to. "Right, well, take care of yourself okay? Im going to finish my run off. Take care." He moved away to start his run up again and azul watched as he did.

how could he be so weak? To let a little lack of food get to him? He knew there were plenty fat stores in his body to provide him energy, so the fact that he had passed out was not only shameful but also embarrassing.

well, it was fine, he had somewhere to be anyways.

the only reason he engaged himself in any school activities was for his own benefit, but not in a self growth sort of way, moreso in a profit growth sort of way. For this reason, tonight he was attending the nrc bakesale and crafts fair. He found it quite juvenile of an idea, but he aaw it as an opportunity to broaden his understanding of the student body so that he could better cater to them and draw them into his own business. He decided he would be casual, to give off a friendly air. He was still wearing the best clothes he could manage while staying casual though. A light purple button down and dark wash jeans with a belt.

the event was being held in the cafeteria as it was one of the bigger spaces to set up tables in, with a few tables spilling out to the hallways. As azul approached the event, he felt his chest tighten. Why was he anxious? Because there would be food and baked goods? All he had to do was say no and turn down everything given to him. It was simple, in theory.

he entered the cafeteria and was immediately approached by jade, floyd was elsewhere at this particular moment. Probably eating his way through the baked goods. He waved calmly at azul and gave him a nod "hello Azul, how are you doing?" Azul waved casually and straightened his back. "Im alright. Have you had a look around yet? Anything noteworthy?" Jade nodded and looked over his shoulder. "Theres a few students who are pretty good with their hands, both in craftsmanship and in producing baked goods. Wanna look around?"

azul nodded and followed behind jade as he took him around to some tables. The first few tables were full of all of the brilliant crafts and wares that the nrc students occupied their free time with perfecting. Clay pieces, wirework and metalsmithing, as well as some pieces of exemplary botany work. Azul took the homemade business cards of a few of the students he saw the most potential in, handing them his as a sign that he saw that potential.

the next row over was full of much the same brilliant handiwork, but the tables were lines instead with baked goods and other homemade foods. Azul felt his skin prickle as he tried to avoid eye contact with any of the goods directly.

The one thing that made azul feel out of control in this world, was food. And seeing it prostrated on sample trays and in enticing packages made him feel lightheaded. He took a deep breath and continued down the row, acknowledging the talents of his fellow students, but turning down every single advance of a sample towards him. Jade noticed this and turned to azul at the end of the first set of tables. "Are you doing okay? Usually you'd be okay with sampling wares if you felt it could benefit us, and you know we are looking for new items for mostro lounge, so what gives?" Azul simply shrugged and upturned his nose in the opposite direction. "Im simply not hungry at the moment. Ive already eaten today." This was a lie and he knew it was a lie, but he wouldn't dare tell the truth. Jade furrowed his left brow down and then shrugged and continued on.

Heres another question for the well informed. What happens when you grow up fat, a binge eater, and then as a result of relentless bullying, starve yourself sick and overwork yourself to lose weight just to prove something to the people who bullied you? You grow to hate yourself and food and the world so terribly that the crossroads of those three cause you internal turmoil so fierce that you block it out and call it normal.

Azul Ashengrotto was not immune to his own self hatred and was not immune to the great suffering that came with it.

"Oh." Jade spoke, breaking azuls dissasociation from his environment 'excuse me, i have to go find my brother." He pointed to his phone, and azul nodded in understanding.

from here, he was alone. Left to his own devices. He looked around, and felt the world closing in on him as he realized he was still surrounded by the baked goods and foods, the cacophony of scents playing in his nostrils almost caused him to clutch his stomach. The truth is thay he was extremely hungry, but he could not eat.

He could not eat.

so azul turned on his heels, said his goodbyes, and left the cafeteria as fast as he could.

his heart was pounding and his head was spinning. How could he let something as asanine as food control him like this? He knew he was better and stronger than food could ever be, yet still he let it lord over him. He entered his dorm room and grabbed onto his desk chair for stability, as the room was turning circles around him. He fell into the chair and let his head drop into his hands as he tried to regain his composure. He sucked in shallow breaths and held back hot tears. He could NOT cry over this. Not today. Not again. He couldnt let himself falter like this.

everything in his life was calculated. Everything had to be done for a reason. He was doing this to himself to prove that he wasnt worthless. To prove that he was deserving of recognition and love from others. It was worth it to him.

but still. Every single day he saw as his friends enjoyed treats with each other, classmates sharing lunches, and envied them. Envied their ability to exist without ever thinking about what they were putting into their bodies. He even deeply envied the twins, as they were always quite lean and slim without needing to even try. Yet azul had to try. He had to keep going the hardest out of everyone because this was the one and only thing that did not come easy to him.

what did it matter if he didnt love himself? If he had the validation and approval of his peers and the success that he rightfully deserved, then self image need not matter.

why did it matter??

why.

and why oh why was he currently silently crying to himself in the solace of his own room, a space that he built around himself to perfection?

why was he letting himself get worked up about this if it didnt matter?

Azul wasn't sleeping. His hunger carved away at him, forcing him to sit up in annoyance. He huffed and looked around, then burned a hole into his wardrobe with his gaze.

He knew what was in there, a stash of food that he kept for himself to binge on and eat when he was feeling especially morose. He leapt from his blanket and pattered to the wardrobe, theowing the doors open in a fervor as he whipped the clothes out and snagged the box he kept the snacks in from the very back of the armoire.

With the box in his lap, he discarded the lid and looked inside. Full to the top with various sweets and salty favours, azuls eyes peeled over the assortment, heart rate increasing as feelings and thoughts flooded his cranial cavity. At last, he shot his hand into the box and pulled out all of the snacks, and in an instant the world pulsated black around him. His chest tightened and his breathing became laboured.

And he ate.

He ate everything in the box barely gasping for air as be shoveled down the carb riddled sugar laden processed snacks he kept away for no very good reason. It didnt even taste good. He didnt bave time for taste.

He was ravenous

And then it came, the discomfort, the feeling of dread in his lungs forcing its way out through shakey exhales. He stared down at his hands that were covered in dust and crumbs and morsels of his feast.

And yet more came after, the pounding self hatred beating his frontal lobe, the pressure behind his eyes, the guilt.

He could not let this sit.

He jumped to his feet and fled to his bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush from his holder as he slid onto the tiles in front of his bathtub. He folded his arm underneath his ribcage and leaned over the side, immediately a slurry came up his throat and flew past his lips. He adjusted himself to have the perfect calculating throwing up position, and aimed his toothbrush down his asophagus.

Azul was no stranger to this process. Much like everything else in his life he calculated even his purging to a precise math to make sure everything went correctly. He knew the angle to which he held his toothbrush against the back of his throat, where to position his hand against his stomach so that it could not be forced out of contraction, and where to bend his body over the side of his bathtub so that it projected evenly and into the right place.

and so it went.

For the next thirty minutes azul expelled his binge, tears and snot dripping from his eyes and nose as bile dribbled down the side of his face.

He was exhausted, now from both the lack of adequate nutrients, overworking himself, and spending an extended period of time throwing up his guts. He rested his head on the edge of the tub and let out a loud sigh.

Slowly, he pulled himself up and hobbled to the sink, where he immediately turned the water on and slurped some water into his mouth, sloshing it around his cheeks before spitting it out and repeating the process, only including a gurgle this timw around. Then, he opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed his real toothbrush, that he only ever used for his teeth, and used water to brush all of the acid off.

Finally, he washed his face thoroughly, and stared at his blurry reflection in the mirror. It was a good thing he had bad sight, because seeing himself in this moment of vulnerability would probably send him over the edge.

He sighed.

Azul turned and left his bathroom, then crawled into his bed ans pulled the covers over. Maybe he would finally get some sleep.

So he closed his eyes and drifted into dreams that will never become a reality.

He knew in his heart that while today was bad, tomorrow would be worse.

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