on-the-border

[on-the-border]

Not a single ay has passed where I didn’t think of you - and continue loving you.

[on-the-border]

Even after everything, after crying to Paul yesterday, I still miss you and wish things could be different. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do, or how you betray me with your words and actions, I still care for you more than anything.

[on-the-border]

A Villain Origin Story

Every villain has an origin story

Just like every hero who rises to glory

I don’t think that evil is born; it’s created

With a strong desire to feel vindicated

Someone who has dealt with pain for far too long

Tired of hearing “Be the better person, stay strong”

I spent my life putting you above me, that’s true

And you always preferred that I was the one beneath you

I doted on my hero, hung on every word

Always taken for granted while you looked for a third

Constantly left feeling that my best wasn’t enough

Feeling insecure because I wouldn’t do your extra stuff

Endless money and time given, yet I’m the one you blame

Leaving me cold and broken, feeling constant shame

Now the hero has a princess, someone who took my place

But you still tell me that you want me, you lie to my face

My hero calls me “good girl”, as long as I keep our secret

But he immediately gets hostile if he doesn’t think I’ll keep it

An angelic hero, he hides behind a façade

Only the villain knows that he is truly flawed

I wasn’t the only one who always wore a mask

So how did this queen become a villain, you ask?

Through unconditional, unfailing, unwavering love and adoration

And meeting someone proficient in exploitation

There was so much happiness and many memories, but I guess you forgot

Because now all I am to you is a footnote, a mere afterthought

I hope this all fits into your great master plan

I never want to feel this hollow again

You can call me neutral evil, say I’m the worst

Who knew that would happen when I put myself first

But you were never a hero, you only use all those you see

But if a villain is what you want, then a villain I shall be

#my poetry

[on-the-border]

Every wish I could ever make

At 11:11

On a shooting star

Blowing out birthday candles

Is for you

[on-the-border]

I don't care what people say

The rush is worth the price I pay

I get so high when you're with me

But crash and crave you when you leave

[on-the-border]

I can’t believe it’s been two years since you left. I still think about you and miss you every single day. And the love and longing never even slightly lessened.

[on-the-border]

You were the brightest light in my world. And still continue to be. I’m so sorry I turned out to be the detriment. But I work hard every single day, so that one day I might not be.

I debate every day about contacting you… re-entering your life, like I promised I would… But you’ve made such positive progress without me around; Perhaps I truly was a detriment to you…

Perhaps to show back up would be negative, or toxic despite my best intentions or ideals…

Perhaps I should lay the past to rest and carry on, my wayward son…

#please come back

[on-the-border]

Why the fuck do I still care about and cry over someone who clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about me? The fact that the love is still so strong on my part and I still try to do everything I can to make him happy is heartbreaking. I still have such hope. And it gets me nowhere.

[on-the-border]

Told you how I felt on the 26th and was extremely vulnerable for the first time in almost a year. I spent a lot of time wishing things would be different and nothing as changed. After all this time, you’re still my favorite person. When I get turned down on advances, it hurts and I feel inadequate. I know you’re not mine anymore. But fuck, I keep trying to tell myself maybe you’re not happy where you’re at or any number of things. Missing you comes in waves and tonight, I feel like I’m drowning.

[on-the-border]

Christmas Eve eve. I’m sitting at my old house in Florida. Suddenly got dizzy and physically sick when I remembered I wasn’t coming home to you and Creed and that you were celebrating the holidays with someone else. Ten damn months. And it hasn’t gotten any easier.

[on-the-border]

You still have such a magnetic pull on me. Even after everything this year. Even after all this time.

And not seeing you or celebrating your birthday for like the first time since I’ve met you fucking killed me. I spent most of the day crying.

Still hoping for the best...

[on-the-border]

This still doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m living a lie every day. Just going through the motions, still holding out on hope.

[on-the-border]

I resonate so hard with Obito

#my Kakashi #rob

[on-the-border]

I wish this was true. I miss you

Six-Winged Savior

So I thought I’d write a poem- A rap- Or maybe more a song.I wanted a way, a means, a chance to to illustrate what was wrong. Something that I could do to- show you, who- means more than anything in the world to me and out of anybody its you I choose.

Now- starting with the fact most pertinent, I thought it’d be best not to lament the idea that your issues are permanent but its in your mind that I must cement these thoughts. Still you seem lost. But don’t mistake, don’t assume, don’t get me wrong- I’m not a savior I’m no martyr I don’t bear any cross; Christ, I’m just trying to show you a whole new world- a new reality soon to be unfurled- one in which we’re together and the devils of your past will never return. So close your eyes, take my hand, take look inside- And I’ll take you on a magic carpet ride.

You’ve been through a lot- I get it- I feel it- I know that its true. But that doesn’t mean that your past has to define you. And I understand that forgetting your past scares you too. Yet to get this far you’ve had to see it through. The good, the bad, the ugly, the confused- You’ve been higher than high, you’ve been beaten and bruised. I’ve heard of your lowest lows and yet you continue- to push on and to fight and to never lose. Thats an admirable quality and another reason why I choose- to dedicate so much time and effort to remove that noose- that is figuratively established by these other fools- that you’ve allowed into your life but haven’t worn your shoes. Now if you’ll allow me into you heart, into your life to change it’s tune- I’d love to show you that theres no reason to keep singin the blues.

I’m no saint- I’m not great- I’m nothing to write home about, not something on which you should wait, but I still feel like I can relate. I may not have BPD but I’ve already been inside your mind, its too late- for me to try to back down now, its not how I carry myself, I don’t go with the crowd- I won’t tell you that you can’t get better somehow- and let you live believing this disorder will control you from here-on-out. Look inside yourself, then look beside yourself- see me standing there strong and confide whats felt. I promise- to help you through anything thats hard, and if you don’t think you can handle it alone, I’ll be your guard- I’ll stand vigilant against these demons tooth and claw- I’ll stand watch over you until my soul is raw- and when all is said and done after the battles fought, I’ll stand tall and proud beside you; Arm-in-arm.

I’m your Seraphim Defender; Angelic Prince of Thieves Upon six wings I fly; In flame my heart is wreathed. I’m the darkness to your light- the shadow cast by your lightning flash- and when it comes to you and I its for an eternity this love shall last. When you’re shrouded by doubt; I’ll act as your scout- finding only hope and beauty throughout. And when you think that you’re less than perfect I’ll be ready- to disperse these clouded misconceptions and hold you steady.

You’ve had a rocky past, yeah, well haven’t we all- Just know I’ll always be there to catch you if you fall.

[on-the-border]

You ghosted me for two weeks and now you’re upset when I won’t talk to you? You were a complete asshole to me. You lied to me. You used me. You gave me false hope over and over and over again. And I still fucking want you. Fuck me. God fucking dammit. All I want is to have some space and time. I want to be that happy family with us and Creed. I cry constantly over missing you. I just want you to be honest. And apologize.

You weren’t taking time for yourself. I wish I could know what pretty stories and lies you told Sam to get her back when she didn’t even want to be friends with you after you cheated on her and now she lives with you.

But I can’t help but be jealous that she has everything I want.

I lost everything when I lost you.

But I found myself. I’ve been so emotionally strong. I’ve been happier alone with Creed than I am with anyone else. And that speaks volumes. But I miss you. And I still want to try again. Start over fresh. I’m hitting that potential you talked about for years.

Can you please just realize what you’ve done wrong and sincerely apologize and show your own growth?

“I am flawed. But I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”

[on-the-border]

“I'm afraid to turn the lights on

I don't want to face this rebound

Is it weird if I come over?

I want to, but I know that she's around

So I'm touching myself to the photos that you used to send me

I should have deleted, but kept it a secret

Is that crazy to do?

Oh, I'm hungry and wasted and my hands are shaking

I shouldn't be cooking, be spilling hot water

It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you”

#rob

[on-the-border]