I don’t need to surround myself with people that don’t believe in my character. I don’t fuck with people that feel the need to poke at me and pick at me until I reach my breaking point. I am a nice person, but anyone will blow up when they’ve had enough. I don’t need to be around people who try to “expose” my character because they don’t believe in my goodness. I am who I am wholeheartedly. I deserve people in my life who accept that and will just let me be.
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I am beyond excited to announce that my very first poetry book, Like A Butterfly, will be published and released on JUNE 8th, 2021! 🦋💐
My mom asked me how I felt about my book being done the other day, and I told her that I feel so incredibly accomplished. I’m so proud of myself for publishing my first book at 24 years old. It’s a great start to many more book creations to come. ✨ I can’t wait to share a piece of my heart, mind, and soul with you all. I hope you all are just as excited as I am.
I’d love to give a HUGE shoutout to Nicole Mauck for the amazing illustrations, she did for the book! Her hard work and creativity are unmatched. I love her. 💓
We worked hard at putting this baby together!
As always, thank you guys for being here with me on this journey. You know that it's been a long road for those of you that have been supporting me from the beginning. But we’ve made it here, and it’s only the beginning. I’m grateful for you ALL, nonetheless. Cheers to healing and feeling together. Much love. 💖
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I don't ever want to be crazy in love again.
I want to be happily in love.
I want to be healthily in love.
I want to be peacefully in love.
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I wish I could go back in time and let go of you gracefully. If only I had the wisdom that I have now. If only I could see the reality of why we weren't going to work clearly, then I could of walked away from you with poise and dignity. But I was blindly in love with you. And it was the deep kind of love, too. The kind that feels like a punch in the chest when it's all over. The kind of love that makes you lose your breath. But the kind of love that we had didn't matter. Because we were never going to work, you see? It was never meant to last. At some point it was bound to end. And everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. I just wish I could go back in time and tell you that I was sick and tired of being treated like an option and that I am leaving because I deserve better. I wish I could go back in time and walk away from you with my head held high and my heart still attached to my chest. I wish I could have let you go gracefully.
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I'm a gentle little butterfly,
please, let me be.
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I know you were hurting on the inside. I know that you had demons that you had no idea how to conquer and that you were struggling, that you were reacting to your suffering, but the way you treated me was unfair. Because I deserve a lover that speaks to me with warmth and compassion even when their soul is on fire. I deserve to be with someone comfortable sharing their mind with me, their pain with me. And not in a way that makes them feel like a burden, but in a vulnerable and honest way. In a way that always keeps us connected. Even through the hurt.
See, the problem with you is that you looked at the world through a black and white lens. You believed that you were the only one walking through life hurting. You convinced yourself that no one would ever understand your pain. So you held it all in. You kept it inside of you and let it settle. You held onto it even when I extended my hand to help you. And then you resented me for it. Because I was mirroring back to you a concept that you weren't comfortable with just yet.
I know you were hurting on the inside, but that was no excuse to project onto me and try to make me feel like my brokenness was the reason why we weren't working. I'm a firm believer that if you just took my hand when I extended it, if you had just released the ego and held yourself accountable for the way you were acting and how you were treating yourself and others that we could have discovered some real healing together, but... you chose the latter.
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Trying isn't doing.
Hoping isn't doing.
Wishing isn't doing.
All of these things are just dreams, you see?
Doing is acting, doing is living.
You don't manifest by dreaming,
You manifest by doing the work.
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I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.
I sincerely meant that shit.
And I don’t know what hurts my feelings the most.
The fact that you never believed me,
or how much you never really fucking cared.
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You’d never know this, but I cried on my flight home from Hawaii. Because I thought about you. Sitting next to the window seat, gazing down at the clouds, reminded me that the last time I got to hold you was on our flight back home to California after we went to go visit your family in Minnesota last summer. It was the last time that our love felt sincere. I had the whole row to myself, so I sprawled out my legs and allowed my tears to roll down my mask. Because in that moment, I missed you. And I was also simultaneously disappointed in the fact that you spent that whole trip kissing me on the forehead and making love to my body, only to break my heart when we got back home. I never took you for a person who was heartless. But I can’t grasp onto the fact that you would dangle the last bit of hope I had in us right in front of my face and then end up cutting the cord when the fun was over for you. I never took you for a person who would toy with my heart like that. But you did. And I just don’t know how I’ll ever be able to get over that.
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I feel like you paint me as a villain in your mind. Like I’m holding you back from living a better life. Like having me walk beside you is more harmful than good. You want things to be my fault so you have more reason to push me away. To ignore me. To project all of your deepest, darkest insecurities onto me. But the truth is, I bring something out of you. I make you feel. I show you what real unconditional love feels like. I take your dark with your light. I show you the parts of your soul that need tending to. And that’s too intense for you. You say the love I give is exactly what you’re looking for, but you’re terrified of it. You’re afraid to feel. To love fully. And that’s why you run away from me. It’s not because we aren’t good for each other. It’s not because I’m holding you back from reaching your fullest potential. It’s not because you’re better off without me. It’s because I expose you to vulnerability. I expose you to awareness of self and healing. I show you who you are down to your core. And then I remind you to love all parts of you. To be honest about them. To open your heart and not be so cynical. So closed off. I make you feel something. And you can make me the bad guy all you want but the truth will always remain the same. You’re afraid to love me.
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I’m a phenomenal woman that deserves the world, but I am in love with a man that is no good for me. So, what does that say about me? What does that reveal about my self concept? What does that tell me about what I believe I deserve?
Well, for starters, it tells me that I know I am special, but chaos is what I’m used to so I’ll make it my business to entertain this no good man instead of finding a man that deserves me. It tells me that I don’t fully believe that I deserve happiness, that I deserve better. It reveals to me that I am still afraid to step out into the world and claim it as my own. To really cease it.
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One In A Millon
No, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you when you tell me that you’re not starry eyed for me anymore. I don’t believe you, not even for a second. Not when our connection felt like that. Not when the love felt as good as it did. As right as it did. You can pretend to hate me. You can act like you don’t give a damn about me, say whatever you want to make yourself feel better. But the truth of the matter is... you still fucking love me. You haven’t said it, but I can feel it. And no matter how hard you try to push me away, it still won’t change what God knows to be the truth. We are good together. So, no. I don’t believe you when you say your heart doesn’t beat for me anymore. Because I felt it. And you felt it. We felt it. That spark. And we both know that what we had was a love that felt like one in a million.
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I don’t miss him because I am lonely,
I miss him because I am in love with him.
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I never thought I would be able to stop crying. For many days and nights I sat alone on my bed with my head in my pillow flooded with tears as salty as the Pacific Ocean. And then I wept a little harder when nostalgia set in as I recalled the smell of his musky cologne and the days we spent hand in hand, listening to the waves crashing in on the shore. This went on for a week or so. There were enough tears to fix the drought in California. And I started to wonder where on earth all of this water, pouring out of my tear ducts was coming from. And then I thought of him. And the tears came flooding back like rivers running down my face. Only rushing faster and harder by the second. And no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t stop. They just came flooding and flooding and flooding. All of our memories, all of our love was destroyed. And I just wanted so badly to get out of this suffering. Every time my eyes met my mother’s she asked me,”How long are you going to torture yourself like this?” And in between weeps I said to her, “One day I will wake up and there will be no tears. I won’t cry. But for now, I must allow my tears to flood. I must allow myself to feel.” I wasn't sure when I’d get tired of crying, but lo and behold, one day and I woke up and I just did.
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You spend all of your time wishing that you had the life you envision in your mind. And because you walk around acting as if you don't have it or it's not accessible to you, it simply isn't. But what if I told you that the power lies within you. What if I told you that all it takes is a simple change of mindset? A simple change of the way you view yourself. The most important thing to remember in this life is that you are in control. You get to create the reality that you desire. Isn't that inspiring? You are far more powerful than you think, dear one. The worst thing that you could do is place your power in the hands of someone else. That is called self destruction. Because they don't desire the life that you want, they have agendas of their own. When you open your mind up to all of the possibilities and put a muzzle on all of your limiting beliefs, that is when you blossom. When you jump out of bed in the morning and give thanks to the universe for all that it's blessed you with... when you wholeheartedly believe that all that you want is coming to you, that is when you blossom. Your goal in life should be to reach your highest potential. You can't really attain that if you're living in lack, now can you? So, believe in yourself. Start today. The life that you want is out there waiting for you. You just have to be open to it.
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God had to teach me a lesson about love. And unfortunately, it had to be done the hard way. Through many failed attempts with relationships and pouring my love into the cups of boys that weren’t ready to be men yet. I am so passionate about loving. And even though that passion has left me empty handed countless amount of times, I never let it burn me. Not until this last time. That love fucking hurt. That heartbreak ripped my heart to shreds and took away parts of me that I’ll probably never get back. But here’s the beautiful thing about God’s lesson about love. It lead me through an intense rebirth. It showed me how special my heart is. It showed me that the way that I love isn’t wrong, but my heart needs to be protected. Because not everyone deserves that much of me. Not unless they deserve it. Not unless they are worthy. I no longer desire to get back the parts of me that were stolen. Because a new me has been born. And this version of me knows how valuable I am. This version of me understands how special my love is. So I’m going to protect it.
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Last night I had this sudden realization. A moment of clarity. What I realized was that I really owe it to myself to really, intentionally focus on myself for the rest of my twenties. Fuck what everyone else is doing. Fuck searching for love. Fuck going out and being reckless. Fuck anything that isn’t going to contribute to my growth and success. I have all of these dreams and ideas and the only one who is going to be able to make them come true is myself. It’s not going to happen out of sheer luck. It won’t happen if I’m trying to pour myself into relationships that aren’t serving me. It won’t happen if I’m consuming myself with other people’s drama. It won’t happen while I’m out partying my life away. All of the things that I want and desire will come in time with my discipline and focus. I really owe this to myself. To love myself enough to make all of my biggest and wildest dreams come true. And it is going to happen. I open my heart, mind, body, soul, and spirit to all of the accomplishments and success that God has for me. It is already mine. Now it’s time to put this work in.
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Inner Introverted Butterfly
I’ve spent practically my entire life trying to force myself to be an extrovert because I perceived being an introvert as a bad thing. I mean, how could I not? That’s what society likes to tell us. Our world was built on extroversion. We are told that we have to be social and outgoing in order to survive. And that is true to an extent, but allow me to let you in on a little secret. Being an introvert has allowed me to develop important life skills that I most likely wouldn’t have been able to grasp onto if I fell more towards the extroverted spectrum. Over time, I’ve definitely acquired extroverted tendencies and I am thankful that I have the ability to allow myself to be social, meet new people, and not be shy in social settings. But as I grow older, I start to realize more and more that my alone time is sacred. It’s important for my overall well being. Solitude is bliss, baby. It’s much needed for me in order to survive in this world. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that I don’t like people or that I am depressed or that I am boring. It just means that I like doing things differently. It doesn’t make me weird. It makes me more self aware. More observant. A great listener. A deep thinker. More emotionally intelligent. Giving myself my alone time allows me to think about things clearly. It allows me to get rid of the noise and just be with myself. I think embracing my inner introverted butterfly is hands down the best thing to happen to my existence. Because I know myself so well. I don’t need other people to recharge my energy or to make me happy. I can do that on my own. I am the happiest when I am alone.
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I’ve just recently had this epiphany. A strong one. And it made me realize that I’ve been trying to force myself in spaces that aren’t meant for me. With people that aren’t meant for me. Doing things that aren’t serving me. And I don’t have to do any of that. I am who I am and I belong where I belong and I don’t need to try and fit into places that do nothing for my existence.
Where I do belong, I thrive. I am my happiest. I am the best version of myself. Those are the spaces that I belong in. It’s not in a space where I’m not accepted for who I am. The spaces that I belong in aren’t ones where people are trying to change me. The places that I belong in accept me. They love me fiercely. And from here on out I won’t be accepting anything less. If someone doesn’t like who I am and what I stand for, that’s their problem. I’ll go somewhere that I am accepted.
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